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"You should be grateful!"

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
Does anyone else get really irritated by people who think you should be wildly grateful for whatever the non-custodial does right? I just got told by a third party that rather than being annoyed that the CS is LATE because he forgot the new schedule he asked for for his convenience I should "be grateful he sends it at all." It's like when people tell me I'm "lucky he babysits." Umm... hello? Isn't this allegedly his kid too?

(Note: It's NOT the non-custodial telling me to be grateful. He's kind of a foob at times, but better than that.)
post #2 of 23
i am not even in that situation and that would make my head explode. lets just say that what i would say to someone who said that would not be pretty.
post #3 of 23
Sorry, that made me giggle, because we don't get CS and money is really tight... We sure could use it.

I know what you mean though. Certain things should be expected and be simply normal, and I understand your frustration.
post #4 of 23
As Chris Rock said, "What do you want, a cookie? You're SUPPOSED to take care of your kids."

I'm not in your situation (my partner is joint custodial) but yeah. That would drive me nuts.
post #5 of 23
I'm married to my kids dad (lol not divorced) and I hear that garbage!!! I should be gratefull that he takes care of me (i'm injured and ill) and I should be gratefull that he's such a "help" around the house. Umm- yeah. I love my hubby and he does lots of stuff! He is great! I don't feel that I need to be GRATEFULL and falling all over myself because he's stepped up and cares for his family!!!

I hate hearing that the custodial parent should be gratefull that the non even does xyz. I once told someone that was saying the same comments that "Well, in that case then the non-custodial parent should be gratefull that she carried his child, takes care if him every day, and feeds "HIS" kid! Really? Come on! We are so past this!" I don't understand this 50's mentality of the split family life. Oy!
post #6 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
As Chris Rock said, "What do you want, a cookie? You're SUPPOSED to take care of your kids."

I'm not in your situation (my partner is joint custodial) but yeah. That would drive me nuts.
post #7 of 23
Some people have a strange of idea of how things should be.

My personal pet peeve in blended family life when folks will say..."Well, there not his kids..." in refernce to man who married or taken on the role of stepparent in a family....like that exempts the guy from having any role/responsibility in their upbringing.
post #8 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Elsa View Post
Does anyone else get really irritated by people who think you should be wildly grateful for whatever the non-custodial does right?
I actually tell myself that about things my step-mother's mom does... I should just be grateful she abc, or that she doesn't xyz...

AND at the same time, if I was griping to someone looking for support, I would likely be pretty annoyed if that was their response.

For me, it is a matter of perspective... keep my expectations low and any surprises are pleasant ones.
post #9 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
As Chris Rock said, "What do you want, a cookie? You're SUPPOSED to take care of your kids."

I'm not in your situation (my partner is joint custodial) but yeah. That would drive me nuts.
I'm totally boosting this line.
post #10 of 23
I once had a support enforcement case manager tell me that I should not rely on child support... EVER. That most women don't get it, or dont get all of it.. and I should be grateful that I got it as regularly as I do.
(the state was about a week late in processing and I called to find out what was going on)


I was like WHAT??? I had children with their father, a man I KNEW to have a decent career that he was NEVER going to walk away from. (He's a LEO)
post #11 of 23
i thought they had gotten their crap together in regards to child support. dp and i aren't married but we are together (in a relationship and living together as a family etc) and if i wanted to get state health care or wic i would have had to marry him or sue him for child support.

why would they make me do this if no one was planning on enforcing it?
post #12 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Elsa View Post
Does anyone else get really irritated by people who think you should be wildly grateful for whatever the non-custodial does right? I just got told by a third party that rather than being annoyed that the CS is LATE because he forgot the new schedule he asked for for his convenience I should "be grateful he sends it at all." It's like when people tell me I'm "lucky he babysits." Umm... hello? Isn't this allegedly his kid too?

(Note: It's NOT the non-custodial telling me to be grateful. He's kind of a foob at times, but better than that.)
I agree with you.

I also agree that single parents should protect themselves and their children by creating a situation in which child support is gravy, not a budgetary necessity. And I know that this doesn't happen overnight! It's going to take me, personally, several years.

And I also know that when I approach situations from a "gratitude" perspective, I am a happier person. This doesn't mean grovelling, pathetic gratitude for crumbs, or celebrating someone who gives so much less than he "should." It's just something that goes on in my head.

One of the most difficult things about dealing with my ex is that he does not see what he has, but complains constantly about what he wants but doesn't have. What he has is apparently an entitlement and what he doesn't must be a punishment. I'm grateful that I'm not banging my head against that wall anymore.

I hope this didn't come out like a lecture. And believe me, I vent about the injustices between us as supposed co-parents. Now I feel grateful to have people who let me complain without chastising me for it.
post #13 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post
I agree with you.

I also agree that single parents should protect themselves and their children by creating a situation in which child support is gravy, not a budgetary necessity. And I know that this doesn't happen overnight! It's going to take me, personally, several years.

And I also know that when I approach situations from a "gratitude" perspective, I am a happier person. This doesn't mean grovelling, pathetic gratitude for crumbs, or celebrating someone who gives so much less than he "should." It's just something that goes on in my head.

One of the most difficult things about dealing with my ex is that he does not see what he has, but complains constantly about what he wants but doesn't have. What he has is apparently an entitlement and what he doesn't must be a punishment. I'm grateful that I'm not banging my head against that wall anymore.

I hope this didn't come out like a lecture. And believe me, I vent about the injustices between us as supposed co-parents. Now I feel grateful to have people who let me complain without chastising me for it.

We do actually live in a way that we can sustain without CS if necessary. It was no fun, but when the non-custodial lost his job and was out of work for a few months last year (not his fault, and the first time he's ever been unemployed for more than 2 weeks in the 17 years I've known him.) we were able to pay the bills and give him some grace to make up the debt over time. I absolutely agree that that's a really good idea when at all feasible because even the most reliable people are finding that jobs are unstable lately! I know it isn't possible for everyone, but it's a really good goal.

I suppose there is an extent to which I am "grateful" for what he does, like I'm grateful for a waitress who remembers to refill my water promptly and the kid who takes my groceries to the car. It's nice when those around us do their jobs and make our lives more pleasant. I just resent people acting like he's going above and beyond, KWIM? I don't feel like he's so super-awesome that I don't have the right to be irritated that he "forgot" to send his son's check. It's swell that he fulfills most of his obligations in a mostly timely manner but that doesn't make him Father of the Year.
post #14 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Elsa View Post
. I just resent people acting like he's going above and beyond, KWIM? I don't feel like he's so super-awesome that I don't have the right to be irritated that he "forgot" to send his son's check. It's swell that he fulfills most of his obligations in a mostly timely manner but that doesn't make him Father of the Year.
Yep. I hear you.

Once my ex was commended for picking his own children up at school. I did feel compelled (not in front of him or the kids) to let her know that that 10 minutes errand was the extent of what he'd done all day. He was unemployed.
post #15 of 23
I agree with every post here. I hate the fact that a CP should be grateful that a NCP bothers to acknowledge their children at all. It's so crazy.

It did make me ponder if the NCPs ever hear how grateful THEY should be that the CP raises their children. Probably not too often.
post #16 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
I agree with every post here. I hate the fact that a CP should be grateful that a NCP bothers to acknowledge their children at all. It's so crazy.

It did make me ponder if the NCPs ever hear how grateful THEY should be that the CP raises their children. Probably not too often.
I did once get, "you should be grateful that you get to enjoy the presence of a child without all the inconvenience of pregnancy and childbirth." (It came from my mom. Blegh.)
post #17 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
I did once get, "you should be grateful that you get to enjoy the presence of a child without all the inconvenience of pregnancy and childbirth." (It came from my mom. Blegh.)
Ugh! I got that one several times too! Totally not what a lot of women want to hear. Especially at the time I was being told it over and over again was when we were trying to get pregnant and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to have kids of my own.

Every woman deserves a chance to experience pregnancy and childbirth. I certainly did not find it inconvenient!! I loved the experience!! And am still loving the experience of having a baby! Of course there are challenges with very little sleep, etc... but soooo incredibly worth it.


As for the other question... yes we have heard that one too how we should be grateful to DSD's Mom for doing the bulk of the childcare... thing is DH has repeatedly told her that he would do more. He has offered to take turns calling off work when DSD is sick, etc. But she never takes him up on it. He would take DSD full time in a heart beat if DSD's Mom would ever let him. It breaks his heart that she isn't there all the time...
post #18 of 23
I can't even say how that drives me crazy. It comes from everywhere. Even right here on MDC, I've seen someone refer to the "blessing" that single mom's have of "free babysitting" when their kids are with the NCP. I'm still pretty tweaked about it.
post #19 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by montlake View Post
I can't even say how that drives me crazy. It comes from everywhere. Even right here on MDC, I've seen someone refer to the "blessing" that single mom's have of "free babysitting" when their kids are with the NCP. I'm still pretty tweaked about it.
I can understand the sentiment--that when your kids have two households, you can schedule grown-up stuff when the other parent has the children, and you don't have the expense of a babysitter. And, in that way, it's akin to free babysitting. I can still see how calling it "babysitting" would be annoying, though.
post #20 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post
I agree with you.

I also agree that single parents should protect themselves and their children by creating a situation in which child support is gravy, not a budgetary necessity. And I know that this doesn't happen overnight! It's going to take me, personally, several years.

-snip-
why should it be gravy?

I was completely UNprotected for years when I stayed at home with my daughter while my ex went to school and worked his apprenticeship. I had zero income, nothing going into my social security or personal savings, nothing. I assumed a lot of extra risk and, well, work that benefitted him for years. Why should his helping provide for his child now be "gravy"? I can't make nearly as much as he can for the above reasons. He can darn well do what he's supposed to do now, until I finish school and can support myself like he supports himself. It's his turn.
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