4yo DD compulsively picking her face - help???

[piamama]

any suggestions about how to handle communication/ behavior modification for a habit like this?
she is not under overt stress, though i have concerns that we've fallen into a scape-goat rut - she's the oldest, and very strong willed - prone to being defiant and ignoring reguests to stop, or go, or whatever she's being asked to do... often needing to be asked 4 to 110 times to do something. she has her own ideas, and is determined to pursue them. but this has come with the cost of high levels of frustration from her parents.
her little sister is also a strong (aries) girl, but takes the charm tactic to achieve her aims. very different approach. the butting ram model gets a butting ram mama back, frequently - despite my best intentions.
she sees little sister getting an easier ride.
i put this in the gentle discipline forum bc i think stress is caused by harsh communication on my part. she has been picking mercilessly for a month+ now.i ask her to stop,( ask her to remind me to stop if she sees me do it, too.) she cries and flails and hits me. it's very disturbing to her to be asked to stop picking. her father got really upset about it tonight after seeing the damage she'd done to her face - he frightened her i think by showing her that he was scared by it... not cool.
she went to sleep asking me about death and dying - telling me she didn't want to die, etc.
she has not had overt trauma in her life. pretty comfy cozy circumstances. but has obviously internalized some stress and self-judgement???
any ideas are very welcome. i am at a loss. band-aids are just band-aids - i can't prevent whats going on w. her if i am clueless.
pia

[mamamille]

The only thing that comes to mind is that she is internalizing something that she needs to get out. My dh does this and not only does it make me crazy to watch him mutilate himself, but it saddens me because he never learned an outlet for his anxiety. In your shoes, I would go out of my way to get her outside. In the fresh clean air of a forest or mountain she could reconnect with the greater world. You want to provide environments of peace to mirror her spirit. I also would keep tv, crappy foods, crappy people away for a moment cause her nervous system is over stimulated. (I am not saying you have those in your environment of course!) And there is something very healing about being physically active. Stacking wood, dragging logs, digging in the dirt all require no mental labor and provide a brain vacation. Also you can dose her with Bach remedies, herbal teas and tinctures and homeopathic.
I'm sorry for you- she is 5? It is something I worry about myself with my dd, cause children are so sensitive, and I treat her as if she is older and more capable. Good Luck!

[demottm]

If you are picking at yourself then she is modeling the behavior. If you want her to quit doing it then you need to quit also. For me it helps to have something to do with my fingers. I knit or crochet, but these might be too difficult for a 4yo. The pp had a good idea about getting outside. Even going for a walk helps. Good luck!