How do you react when someone threatens to spank in front of you?

[minkajane]

I work in a maternity clothing shop. Since we don't get a lot of business we usually have only one associate in the shop at a time. So I was the only one in the store when this woman came in with her young (3-ish) daughter. The girl was sniffling slightly as they came in and the mom snapped at her at least three times in the five minutes they were in the store that if she didn't stop crying, she'd spank her.

I tried to just ignore the situation, but I honestly don't know how I'd react if she actually spanked her. I have this picture in my head of either saying in a shocked voice "Please do not hit your child in this store!" or saying in a cold, firm voice, "This store is a violence-free zone. Please do not hit your child here." I don't like to think that I'd just freeze up and say nothing, but that's the most likely reaction. I was hit my whole childhood and it's ingrained in me that it was my fault if I got hit and doubly my fault if anybody found out about it.

What would you do if you were alone in the store and somebody spanked their kid in front of you? Would you say something and risk a confrontation or a complaint to corporate? Or would you just ignore it, since it's highly unlikely anything you say is going to make the parent stop spanking and they make take it out on the kid later anyway?

[NiteNicole]

If you're at work, you might first ask yourself how important your job is to you and form a response from there. No place I have ever worked would've backed me up if I said something to a mom who was threatening to spank. I'm pretty sure unless an actual spanking got REALLY ugly or threats became clear cut verbal abuse, I would have been on my own and in trouble if the customer complained. That said, if someone went beyond a few swats on the behind, I'm mouthy and would say something anyway.

The FIRST thing I'd try (and have tried) is customer-servicing the hell out of them. Hi, how are you? What nice weather we're having. Hello, what's your name...if Mom is just stressed to her limit, she may appreciate you distracting her kid. If that clearly isn't going over well, back off but at least she knows you're paying attention. That may be all the reminder she needs to take a deep breath and re-set her attitude. I'd say most of the time this has gone over well if the mom is just flustered and frustrated and the kid is just kind of whiney and over shopping.

I know there have been times I've been in a low parenting moment and some cheerful sales person will kind of remind me that ok, we're in public, the kid is tired and I need to just relax and get over it. Of course, I have also told people that I will let them know if I need them and given them my very worst stink eye.

[Just Elsa]

I prefer that random strangers not challenge my parenting skills when I'm shopping and try to have the same respect for other people. I don't want to hear it about my choice to homeschool, which some people feel about the same way I do about spanking, so I mind my own business when strangers make legal parenting choices I disagree with.

ETA: If a store clerk did it, I'd be having a conversation with her boss about why they had lost my business. That's so screamingly inappropriate I'd be really pissed.

[minkajane]

Like I said, I did not say anything and she did not spank the child. I just can't help but cringe at the thought of turning the other cheek as an innocent child gets hit in front of me.

[Just Elsa]

Originally Posted by minkajane

Like I said, I did not say anything and she did not spank the child. I just can't help but cringe at the thought of turning the other cheek as an innocent child gets hit in front of me.

I don't like it either, but the fact is lots of us on this forum do things that others consider to be over the line into abuse and neglect. If we want the freedom to homeschool or to refuse to vaccinate our kids we also have to accept that others have a right to CIO or spank. We can hate those practices and think they're abusive, but I guarantee for every person we line up who feels that way there are at least as many who are equally against some of our choices. We can try to help our friends and family make good choices but we are not the parenting police for strangers nor do we want to open that barrel of worms.

[leaveit2beeker]

Even at 16 months, I try to tell my ds (after the offending parent has left) that 'we' don't hit and what that child was doing that is or isn't acceptable. And believe me, we've run into these situations already, at the street fair or at the indoor playground...I recently saw a 3-4 year old get swatted in his stroller for whining; all the while my son was in his push-car less than two feet away. I just say that 'that mommy doesn't like whining and the boy was whining'. Maybe this is incredibly naive, but I think if I talk to ds what is going on around us, he might be more in-tune to our family 'rules'.

Of course, I'm whispering and it's very tempting to shout but I'd never...*devil horns*

[MtBikeLover]

I'm one that will always say something if I see a child being hit in public. However, in this case, I think it is not appropriate for a store clerk to say anything. They choose to shop there and would probably be very offended if someone said something to them. It could result in you losing your job.

If this happens, I'd just offer to play with the child or try to occupy the child while the parent shops. Can you buy a few coloring books and some crayons and offer to let the child color while the mom shops or tries on clothes? Something that really helps my kids when we are shopping and they aren't in a good mood are stickers. A clerk will almost always offer stickers and they become as happy as can be, which helps me become more patient. Maybe you could buy a few sticker sheets and use them as needed.

[elfimka]

If I were you, it would make me very angry too. And since she was shopping for maternity clothes, I can only imagine what her daughter will have to go through when the sibling is born and mother's patience reduces even more.

If it happened to me and I was unprepared, I would probably freeze and not do anything, but then come up with millions of things I could have said or done.

But as many mamas pointed out, there is nothing illegal in spanking and we, as moms, really hate when someone intervenes in our methods.

The best thing, I think, would be to somehow let the mother know that you understand how stressed out she is so that she feels you are sympathetic and on her side. Like, just come up, offer help, not in a cheery happy way, but in a way that says "oh I so feel your pain, I know exactly how you feel right now, been there done that " tone of voice. And then distract the child with a toy or coloring book, like people suggested here.

And I know you are not on her side, but if you pretend that you are, she'll chill out a lot faster and the child will remain unspanked (at least for the meanwhile).

So sorry you had to see/hear it.

[Tanibani]

My daughter was running wild tonight, not getting in the bath, and I threatened to spank her. (Having zero intention of doing it. Never done it or had the inkling to either.) She stopped and started to cry. Drat. I wasn't expecting that reaction. Of course I regretted it.

I agree with the previous poster of offering sympathy/help to the exasperated parent if you MUST do something. Calling "management" is just annoying... as annoying if I was Bfing in public and someone called management on me. Huff!

[Astrogirl]

Everyone has such well thought out answers and much more mature than mine!

Ok, kneejerk reaction? No thinking and just a gut, honest response?

I'd say "You hit that child, and I'll be calling the cops for abuse." Then I would console the child.

Don't flame me. I know that response isn't helpful, but its my honest gut reaction. I live in a country where spanking is illegal, so its absolutely ingrained in me that spanking IS abuse, and if anything my reaction would be a tiny reminder to both the parent and child, that hitting *might* (gasp) be wrong.

[Equuskia]

Originally Posted by Just Elsa

I don't like it either, but the fact is lots of us on this forum do things that others consider to be over the line into abuse and neglect. If we want the freedom to homeschool or to refuse to vaccinate our kids we also have to accept that others have a right to CIO or spank. We can hate those practices and think they're abusive, but I guarantee for every person we line up who feels that way there are at least as many who are equally against some of our choices. We can try to help our friends and family make good choices but we are not the parenting police for strangers nor do we want to open that barrel of worms.

I don't think anyone should have the right to hit their children. After all, if I hit you, it's considered assault and I could be jailed. If I hit my husband, it's considered domestic violence. Hitting my dog will land me a $5000 fine. So why on earth should it be ok to hit my kid, who's small and defenseless?

This isn't a slippery slope. Just because we want the right to not vax and homebirth and homeschool doesn't mean we should sacrifice a child's bodily integrity.

Don't get me started on CIO.

[Just Elsa]

Originally Posted by Equuskia

I don't think anyone should have the right to hit their children. After all, if I hit you, it's considered assault and I could be jailed. If I hit my husband, it's considered domestic violence. Hitting my dog will land me a $5000 fine. So why on earth should it be ok to hit my kid, who's small and defenseless?

This isn't a slippery slope. Just because we want the right to not vax and homebirth and homeschool doesn't mean we should sacrifice a child's bodily integrity.

Don't get me started on CIO.

And if you read my post you'll see that I am NOT advocating spanking or saying it is right or good. Nowhere did I say it was okay, don't put words in my mouth. THAT isn't okay.

I'm pointing out that as abusive as you think spanking is, someone else thinks not vaxing is. There are lots of people out there who think your kids should be taken from you if you don't vax. Do you want store clerks telling you you're abusing your kid for that or declaring the store a "no-vax free zone"? Because if we get to harass strangers then we're fair game too.

Whether we agree with the choice is not the issue. It's currently legal most places and there's a limit to what you can say to strangers without being out of line.

[krystyn33]

Spanking doesn't compare to homebirth or an educated choice to withhold vaccinations, IMO.

There are some great articles here on intervening on behalf of a child in a public place.

I agree with the PP that under that circumstance the best response would be to approach the mom with great customer service, trying to be helpful & deflate the pressure of the situation. Smiling and engaging the child in a positive way might do the trick to deescalate. It is SO hard to see situations like that & I find I get emotional so it is hard to act from a clear-headed place. But I fear an angry or judgmental confrontation would not only get ugly & escalate things, but it might get taken out worse on the child later.

[heartmama]

In that particular situation I'd focus my concern on other patrons and assume a posture of helpfulness. After all, your clientele is pregnant women. If she actually spanked a screaming child I would respond with something like "I'm afraid what you are doing may upset other patrons--is there some way I can help you?".

I highly doubt you would be fired for saying that and she would get the hint that her behavior really wasn't considerate of others. Which it was not

[dachshundqueen]

Well my 4 year old effectively deals with this for me and starts getting loud about how "We don't hit people. We need to sit down and talk about what's wrong and then have some quiet time." If the person continues she starts asking really loud questions about, "Why are they hurting their kids? Do they still love them?"

ETA: I'd try to be super friendly to mom and try to divert her attention from whacking her kid. Pretty much interrupting her every time she starts yelling at the kid. "Johnny shut up or.." "Ma'am is there something I can help you find?" "Oh I need, Johnny shut" "I'm sorry I missed what you needed, was it blank?"

Liz

[pixiekisses]

Originally Posted by Astrogirl

Everyone has such well thought out answers and much more mature than mine!

Ok, kneejerk reaction? No thinking and just a gut, honest response?

I'd say "You hit that child, and I'll be calling the cops for abuse." Then I would console the child.

Don't flame me. I know that response isn't helpful, but its my honest gut reaction. I live in a country where spanking is illegal, so its absolutely ingrained in me that spanking IS abuse, and if anything my reaction would be a tiny reminder to both the parent and child, that hitting *might* (gasp) be wrong.

Indeed. That would be my response as well.
(Also living in a country where spanking is illegal.)

[SandraS]

Ugh. My SIL is a hitter, and it sickens me.

I can't say anything. I sit and watch helplessly. If she weren't my SIL, I wouldn't ever be around her. I can't tolerate violence, especially against children. I hate it. With every fiber of my being.

And if anyone, including my SIL, laid a hand on MY kids, they'd be in court. I wouldn't hesitate.

Now, if I were in the store, I think I would've interjected. I would've asked her to stop abusing her child. And I would've used that word too. I wouldn't care. Just like I would interject if a man was hitting his wife. Or a boy his girlfriend. It's all the SAME THING, no matter what pretty word you want to attach to it.

JMO, of course.

[phathui5]

Spanking doesn't compare to homebirth or an educated choice to withhold vaccinations, IMO.

That's our opinion here at MDC. Many, many people think that having a homebirth is terribly dangerous or that not vaccinating could kill your child. I read threads here all the time where people are giving an MDC mom a hard time about parenting choices.

In the OP's situation, I would go with the customer servicing that another poster recommended. If it were someone I knew, I would say "Please don't" and then leave if they did hit them. A stranger in public? Probably the "Please don't."

[4inMyHeart3inArms]

Originally Posted by heartmama

In that particular situation I'd focus my concern on other patrons and assume a posture of helpfulness. After all, your clientele is pregnant women. If she actually spanked a screaming child I would respond with something like "I'm afraid what you are doing may upset other patrons--is there some way I can help you?".

I highly doubt you would be fired for saying that and she would get the hint that her behavior really wasn't considerate of others. Which it was not

good advice on the store clerk end of things.

as a patron I would say something.

all in all that child needs the message sent that hitting is not okay and they don't deserve it. If a grown woman gets her feelings hurt it will bother me a lot less then a child being physically hurt and having their spirit crushed. and that child needs to know they don't deserve it, even if the parent thinks they do or think its no one else's business. guess what, if I have to see it or hear about it it is now my business and I will say something. not to mention, it's the child's business too. the whole thing just makes me ill, how children are seen as lesser creatures of this world, the ones who are most vulnerable ad defenseless and no one is willing to defend them. Sure, we all get unwanted advice sometimes. Personally, I dont mind. I don't have to take the unwanted advice and neither does a spanking mama. but the child can still get the message they dont deserve poor treatment. I'm just not in the crowd of "Oh I'll mind my own business while someone hits their child because I dont like it when people tell me my baby doesn't look comfortable in their baby carrier" Nope, people will keep making those comments, and I'll keep not caring, and my baby will keep being comfortable. at the same time, I'll keep saying something to those who spank, and they may keep not caring (or get mad at me) but their child will get the message they didn't deserve to be hurt. To me, its just all worth it. We (society as a whole) are so worried about upsetting a full grown adult who knows how they deserve to be treated in life (but obviously doesnt know how their children deserve to be treated)... but not upset that a child who is still learning this world is being taught that they deserve to be hit and everyone who sees it thinks nothing of it. Just another day, la de dah, the sky is blue, the grass is green, and a child is being hit.

In my opinion, it is my business when a child is being hit. They say the children are out future and sorry but I dont want my future or my childrens future in the hands of someone who thinks they deserve to be hit or thinks that people weaker then them deserve to be hit, etc.

[minkajane]

Wow am I having bad luck! It happened AGAIN today. Different family. This kid kept making noises and apparently it was annoying his aunt. After a bit she said if he didn't stop, she'd spank him. His mom and grandma made a big deal out of "Oh, a spanking from Aunt J! That's pretty bad!" The kid didn't end up being spanked and I just busied myself putting stuff away and ignored the situation. It sucked because other than that, they were really sweet and the mom was carrying around her 6-day-old in a Moby and nursing him while she was in there.