4yo suddenly hitting his friends

[lisalulu]

Last week, DS1 was on a playdate with one of his friends who he typically plays really well with. Unfortunately, this playdate didn't go so well. They were playing mostly outside and when his friend wouldn't get off the slide, DS hit him-not once, not twice but probably 4 times in a row. We took them apart, let them calm down and then let them start playing again. Later in the playdate, I caught DS spitting at his friend and then hitting him again.

I was hoping it was an isolated incident but I spoke with his preschool teacher about it and she told me she felt that ds was easily aggravated and had been aggressive there a couple times. Today after school he told me he was in time out for hitting and for pointing his finger at a couple classmates (he will often point his finger at you when he's mad and make a sort of gun sound-not sure where he picked that up). He was upset that his two friends were shutting the door on him? I didn't quite understand the scenario

Is there a way to teach him to use other methods for expressing his frustration and anger? I've been trying to talk with him about it but it doesn't really seem to be clicking with him. This is all very new behavior for him and I can't really think of anything that could be triggering it.

[mom2grrls]

Is he getting enough sleep? Can the school keep an eye out and when they feel a situation may lead to agression intervene? The time out isn't really solving the problem of him dealing with frustration/anger differently. It takes a while and a bit more muturity to use other things like say counting or deep breathing when you are angry but you can certainly work with him on it

[bendingbirch]

Hi there,
According to the Gesell Institute book, "Your Four Year Old" four years olds are essentially aggressive with friends, not exceptionally good at being social, difficulty with sharing and taking turns and such...So, I guess I would regard this as a new developmental phase that he needs guidance in.
During these periods, of course we go back to the basics of sleep and food and rhythm and how much energy they are getting out, but there is also the need for an adult to be around to help the children take turns and model sharing and those sorts of things....Hopefully that is what this teacher is doing!
As far as playdates, I found when my children were between four and six and a half, we had times where we just limited social stuff a bit until things were more under control. We also worked hard when we did have playdates to structure things - such as starting with a craft or a specific activity, planting seeds in the garden or whathave you and then moving into free play so we could model as the adults good manners, sharing, taking turns and then hopefully the children would move some of that into the free play. I also discovered that when the children are ages 4 and 6 that the adult really needs to be near, on the lookout and not involved in a deep grown-up conversation. It wasn't time to get my social needs met at that point because my children really needed my help at those ages. We also limited the time of playdates to around an hour or so unless things were just going so well.

Don't know if any of those suggestions resonate with you, do take what works for you and your family; you know him best!

I have several posts on my blog regarding the four year old and developmental things with four year olds in general www.theparentingpassageway.com

Hope that helps,

[lisalulu]

Thank you both so much for the advice! We are just now trying the deep breathing stuff but he is still very impulsive.

Carrie-a lot of what you said makes perfect sense. I'll check out the book and your blog!