Help-my 11 year old thinks he's a teen

[MamasBoys]

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum, but I am desperately seeking help. We have four sons and my oldest turns eleven tomorrow. We bought a house and relocated few months ago and the elementary school my oldest children are attending is so much different than what they are used to. In a few months time, my son has went from being a CHILD who enjoys developmentally appropriate activities, to being moody and rebellious and hating us because we:

1. Won't get him a cell phone (He doesn't need one yet!)
2. Won't let him download music on his ipod that has explicit lyrics (I don't even like him listening to music past Children's songs but I've allowed some American Idol singers, etc.)
3. Won't let him have "junk" in his lunch (chips, cookies, juice.)
4. Don't think it's appropriate that he has a girlfriend and says that he loves her and talks about kissing her.

He is completely peer oriented now and says that we don't understand anything because we can't remember what it's like to be a kid. (We're just barely 30, by the way.)

I have no idea what to do! Every day is now a struggle with him. He told me last night that "his body is HIS body and he can do what he wants with it", which scares me so much because it reminds me of what I used to tell my parents when I was 17 years old and doing outrageous amounts of drugs.

I'm so worried and I can't figure out what exactly I'm supposed to do!

[choli]

He's 11, and he's beginning to grow up. There is no point in trying to force him to remain a child. Whatever about the junk food and the cell phone, I think it's really inappropriate to expect him to listen exclusively to children's songs and American Idol singers. That seems rather ridiculously controlling to me. I have an 11 yr old daughter, and she's been way past children's songs for years.

[MeepyCat]

He may be hitting puberty, and that is a hard stage for kids. Also, he may be telling himself that he *is* a teen. His age is in double digits! He's almost a grown-up!

Honestly? I'd hold the line on some stuff and relax on others.

The cell phone is completely your call. If you don't think he needs one, he doesn't need one, end of story.

The music - hold the line on explicit lyrics, but I'd let the rest go. At eleven, it's reasonable to expect him to have tastes that aren't satisfied by children's music and American Idol. There's a whole, rich world out there, full of really good music that might help him express and understand his feelings, even give him a chance to explore the emotions involved in edgy behavior without actually engaging in it. Also, there's nothing like some classic rock and some air guitar to let a kid work out some attitude.

The junk in the lunch - I'd take two approaches. 1. Tell him that he can spend his own money on what he likes, but you aren't going to buy him junk food. 2. Make a point of putting some kind of treat - one that you approve of - in his lunch. If all the other kids have dessert of some kind, and he's just got a sandwich and some carrot sticks, he'd have to be superhuman to not feel envy and resentment.

The girlfriend - you think he's too young, he thinks that what is feels is True, Real and Important, and these things are both true. If you drop the disapproval, you can talk to him about what it means to him to have a girlfriend and be in love, as well as sexually responsible behavior, consent, consideration, and how to be a good partner to someone. You can reasonably restrict some things: you can declare that he's too young to date one-on-one, but support parent-chaperoned mixed-sex outings. You can insist that, before he considers himself to be "dating" anyone, he invite them to dinner with the family.

When he says that he can do what he wants with HIS body, I'd be more worried about sex than drugs, but I'd ask him what he means. And I'd tell him that, as his parent, it's my job to get him age 18 hale and whole, and that means that sometimes I have to use the judgment gained from my own experience to insist that he do things my way. I might share some of the stories from my own misspent youth if I thought they'd be helpful (I did some dumb sh!t, and some of it went badly), and because they might convince my kid that I do, in fact, remember what it's like to be that young.

[MamasBoys]

Originally Posted by choli

He's 11, and he's beginning to grow up. There is no point in trying to force him to remain a child. Whatever about the junk food and the cell phone, I think it's really inappropriate to expect him to listen exclusively to children's songs and American Idol singers. That seems rather ridiculously controlling to me. I have an 11 yr old daughter, and she's been way past children's songs for years.

This works for your family. We believe, however, that an eleven year old IS a child.

[MamasBoys]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

The music - hold the line on explicit lyrics, but I'd let the rest go. At eleven, it's reasonable to expect him to have tastes that aren't satisfied by children's music and American Idol. There's a whole, rich world out there, full of really good music that might help him express and understand his feelings, even give him a chance to explore the emotions involved in edgy behavior without actually engaging in it. Also, there's nothing like some classic rock and some air guitar to let a kid work out some attitude.

That's the thing! We have definitely exposed him to all types of music, as we are music lovers ourselves but he is gravitating towards hip hop, where the lyrics are almost always about sex, drugs, alcohol, violence, or they are demeaning to women. Even if it's a radio edit, I'm not okay with him listening to "Blame it on the Alcohol", etc.

[MamasBoys]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

The cell phone is completely your call. If you don't think he needs one, he doesn't need one, end of story.

It's not that I mind him owning a cell phone--it's more of the reason behind it. He wants a phone so that he can be in constant contact with his peers through text messaging, etc. I just feel that this is too early to be peer orientating. If anyone has read Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, you'll know what I'm speaking of.

[MeepyCat]

MamasBoys, if that's the case, you need to talk to him about why you don't want that music played in your house, and why you don't want him to listen to it. He's eleven. He probably loves that certain songs drive you nuts. Fighting him on it may be increasing the appeal.

Right now, it sounds like you and your boy are having an extended fight on whether he's an adult or a child. The truth is, he's not really either. He has some adult needs and capacities, and some childish ones. You have to figure out a middle way.

ETA: If you don't mind him owning a cell phone, tell him that if he can buy one and pay for it himself, he can have one. Set some rules - it's his to pay for, it must be turned off during family times, church, etc. - let it go. And since you set his allowance, you pretty much control whether he can have one or not.

[heartmama]

We homeschool and I do enjoy the fact that ds doesn't get a lot of peer pressure on issues like this--but that doesn't mean he hasn't come up with issues on his own.

I'm pretty much in the camp that around 11/12 you need to start thinking about the future. They aren't getting younger. They aren't little kids. In another 6 years he will be an adult. You have to start preparing yourself for it.

My ds is 13 and he just got a cell phone. If he were in school he would have had one last year at 11 or 12. It's a safety issue. We asked ds to save up half to buy his own Tracfone, and he is responsible for earning money for minutes. He buys those minute cards. That way he won't get out of control. I guess if he had a huge social life we'd look into a more economical plan. Tracfones are good if you just want your kid to be able to make 20 minutes or so of calls a week to check in etc.

Ds has said he has a "girlfriend" since he was 7. Any friend who is a girl that he 'likes' is a girlfriend in their mind. It's natural to talk about wanting to kiss someone at this age. We have always been open about ds' questions, although to be fair I always thought his interest was age appropriate. To me kissing talk is normal in the 11-13 range.

Ds can listen to whatever music he wants, although rather than "forbid" something we would heavily discourage if not more or less ask him not to listen to really graphic hard core adult level lyrics. But that is just one small segment of music--most songs are more about the music.

As far as junk I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it. I don't think it's your job to supply him with oreo's but if he wants to save up and buy his own extras I would let him.

My ds started to grow his hair out this year and we just asked him to be sure and keep it washed.

As long as he is happy and enjoying life I try not to consider it my job to micromage his interests. Although again, we aren't dealing with the same level of peer pressure. If he were into something really dangerous or unhealthy we would talk and try to get on the same page.

[j924]

I love Hold On To Your Kids. It is a great book. We also have four dc with our oldest being 12. I feel your pain. It seems like just a year ago she was playing dolls wiht her sisters and this year she wants to conitnually be connected. What has been helpful for us is to give in a bit but make rules that work for our family. With the cell phone, it docks in our room at night and only has a specific time to be used, and NO ONE should have a phone at meal or family times. Music: we discuss together (opened up a lot of great topics) and she pays for her downloads. Boyfriend: he is there but now that school is finished for the summer not really as they don't date The most important has been to schedule lots of family time and to make that time really exciting and bonding. Recently when we were feeling a bit disconnected from one another we called a family day where every member got to do at least one actvitiy that they suggested. It took nearly twelve hours but we did it. It was a transforming day. Good luck to you. It takes so many levels of compromise as your kids get older.

[heartmama]

It's not that I mind him owning a cell phone--it's more of the reason behind it. He wants a phone so that he can be in constant contact with his peers through text messaging, etc. I just feel that this is too early to be peer orientating. If anyone has read Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, you'll know what I'm speaking of.

But I think you have to accept this will happen if your child spends all day in school with peers. If you don't want him to be peer oriented I would not have him in school. If he is in school then peer orientiation is inevitable at this age.

[MamasBoys]

Originally Posted by heartmama

We homeschool and I do enjoy the fact that ds doesn't get a lot of peer pressure on issues like this--but that doesn't mean he hasn't come up with issues on his own.

I'm pretty much in the camp that around 11/12 you need to start thinking about the future. They aren't getting younger. They aren't little kids. In another 6 years he will be an adult. You have to start preparing yourself for it.

My ds is 13 and he just got a cell phone. If he were in school he would have had one last year at 11 or 12. It's a safety issue. We asked ds to save up half to buy his own Tracfone, and he is responsible for earning money for minutes. He buys those minute cards. That way he won't get out of control. I guess if he had a huge social life we'd look into a more economical plan. Tracfones are good if you just want your kid to be able to make 20 minutes or so of calls a week to check in etc.

Ds has said he has a "girlfriend" since he was 7. Any friend who is a girl that he 'likes' is a girlfriend in their mind. It's natural to talk about wanting to kiss someone at this age. We have always been open about ds' questions, although to be fair I always thought his interest was age appropriate. To me kissing talk is normal in the 11-13 range.

Ds can listen to whatever music he wants, although rather than "forbid" something we would heavily discourage if not more or less ask him not to listen to really graphic hard core adult level lyrics. But that is just one small segment of music--most songs are more about the music.

As far as junk I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it. I don't think it's your job to supply him with oreo's but if he wants to save up and buy his own extras I would let him.

My ds started to grow his hair out this year and we just asked him to be sure and keep it washed.

As long as he is happy and enjoying life I try not to consider it my job to micromage his interests. Although again, we aren't dealing with the same level of peer pressure. If he were into something really dangerous or unhealthy we would talk and try to get on the same page.

Thank you for your input. It's interesting to see what others are doing with their "tweens." I realize now that this may not be a strict age issue, it looks like it can vary greatly depending on the child. My son is ten, he will be eleven tomorrow. He is very small and I don't think he is going through puberty. He's always been a little on the immature side. Up until our move, he still enjoyed co-sleeping when Dad was out of town, playing with toys and engaging in activities like a Children's museum. So to make such a drastic change after a few months time in a new school, I strongly suspect this has to do with his peer relationships, influences, and his desire to be liked than it has to do with actual growth or development.

[MamasBoys]

Originally Posted by heartmama

But I think you have to accept this will happen if your child spends all day in school with peers. If you don't want him to be peer oriented I would not have him in school. If he is in school then peer orientiation is inevitable at this age.

I definitely plan on homeschooling our youngest children (this is not the only reason, but it now makes the decision crystal clear.)

[SandraS]

Originally Posted by choli

He's 11, and he's beginning to grow up. There is no point in trying to force him to remain a child. Whatever about the junk food and the cell phone, I think it's really inappropriate to expect him to listen exclusively to children's songs and American Idol singers. That seems rather ridiculously controlling to me. I have an 11 yr old daughter, and she's been way past children's songs for years.

I agree 100%. 11 is no longer a child.

[MamasBoys]

Originally Posted by SandraS

I agree 100%. 11 is no longer a child.

What were you doing at eleven? Does normal human development change in 20 years or is it just "the times" that forces them to change?

At eleven I was still playing childlike games. I had not yet had a period. I was not wearing a bra. My husband was also still playing and he did not start puberty until he was 13.

[mamazee]

I think, rather than just talking about what he can't have, work on wooing him back as talked about in Hold On To Your Kids. Woo him back to the family by doing family activities he lies - mini golf, games after dinner, the beach, etc. It does sound to me like you're right that he's becoming more peer-centered, but I think that trying to reign him in by telling him things like what music he can listen to could backfire while trying to create fun together might be more effective.

[MamasBoys]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I think, rather than just talking about what he can't have, work on wooing him back as talked about in Hold On To Your Kids. Woo him back to the family by doing family activities he lies - mini golf, games after dinner, the beach, etc. It does sound to me like you're right that he's becoming more peer-centered, but I think that trying to reign him in by telling him things like what music he can listen to could backfire while trying to create fun together might be more effective.

Thank you. This is our game plan as of last night. I'm a little confused now on details, but I definitely think this will be Priority #1.

[nj's_mom]

I've watched this issue with my twelve year old brother. Once he hit eleven-ish, he succumbed to the enviorment around him- from the music, to the clothing, to the culture. Unfortunatley, what's "cool" and "popular" now is this glorified drug culture, where rappers are kid's heroes and songs talk about alchohol, drugs, and sex as the obvious in thing to do. There are kids who go against the "natural" order, but not many. I think mamazee is right- all you can do is your part- keep things lovely & loving at home and make home and family a place he can feel a part of and enjoy- eleven is entering into that "pre adolescent" stage, as much as you may want to keep him a child the fact may be that he is quickly becoming a young adult, and you will have to come to terms with that or he may resent you for holding him back (in his eyes.) JMHO.

[SandraS]

Okaaay, perhaps I should've said "11 is no longer a child in the sense that all 11 year olds want to still play barbies or GI Joes". Yes, society certainly does have an impact on what kids are doing these days. So does puberty, peers, schools, television, whatever.

When I was 11 it was 1977. No, it cannot compare to today. Because today is different. And as a parent, I have to roll with the times. I can't force my 11 year old to hold my hand in the mall like I did with my mom.

Just my point of view. I find music harmless, my sons get cell phones when they begin traveling the city on their bikes or scooters for more than 4 or 5 hours, etc.

Just different parenting, I guess.

[holothuroidea]

Wow, I'm blown away by this. If you really want to "Hold on to your kids" you're going to need to love and accept them for who they are, their likes and dislikes, their good and bad emotions, and their peer relationships, whether you like them or not. You're job is not to dictate or control, but to guide and educate, especially during these times of constant change and uncertainty in his life.

10-13 is a transitory period where they still enjoy childish activities and have childish needs but are beginning to understand themselves as individuals. Welcome to pre-puberty. It's the time right before they grow their wings, where the buds are itching under the skin.

One more thing, you claim to remember what it was like to be 11. That is irrelivant. You remember what it was like to be YOU at 11, he is not you.

[MamasBoys]

Originally Posted by SandraS

Okaaay, perhaps I should've said "11 is no longer a child in the sense that all 11 year olds want to still play barbies or GI Joes". Yes, society certainly does have an impact on what kids are doing these days. So does puberty, peers, schools, television, whatever.

When I was 11 it was 1977. No, it cannot compare to today. Because today is different. And as a parent, I have to roll with the times. I can't force my 11 year old to hold my hand in the mall like I did with my mom.

Just my point of view. I find music harmless, my sons get cell phones when they begin traveling the city on their bikes or scooters for more than 4 or 5 hours, etc.

Just different parenting, I guess.

It's funny because I feel like I'm being made to look like an uber strict, conservative parent and I certainly don't feel that way. I'm a pastor's daughter and my parents are/were very conservative Christians. I was not allowed to wear pants until I was 9 years old, we didn't listen to "secular" music or watch any television that wasn't Christian or rated G. As an adult, I'm an atheist, we are liberals, we are very young parents, we enjoy all types of music and our kids have been exposed to a lot of things that my parents would gasp at.

I want my kids to be normal, and normal is not mainstream. If my kids were mainstream, they'd be overweight (like 98% of the kids in my son's 5th grade class). They'd be eating a Standard American Diet and they'd be sickly and ill. They'd play a lot of video games and sit in front of the television instead of being active like they are. They'd be vaccinated on time, they'd be on antibiotics for everything under the sun. They'd be yelled at, spanked, humiliated, punished. I can't believe that so many HERE think that it's inappropriate for me to be resisting the mainstream.