Tricks for controlling temper in the moment - Page 6

[Teenytoona]

Oh what a great thread! I echo the others here who say they often feel out of place at MDC because there is little gentleness in those moments. I can sometimes be a complete tyrant - going on and on about something to the point where afterwards I wonder "if verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse like some will say, it probably would have been better if I'd hit them." Now, of course I know neither is right, (and truth be told, as a child of physical abuse it never came without the other so I can't say which is worse either), but in those moments, you'd think there was nothing more important in the history of the world than me getting those kids to do just as I said. Geez. I hate that I'm here and hate that we all have to be here, but I'm glad to know we can recognize it and work on it. Yeah counting to 10 or 1 billion wouldn't make a difference for me. No way, no how.

I know I yell more and louder because I feel this physical need to do something and in order to not do something (like break, smash or hit someone) I get louder to overrule that side. Well someone here suggested they do pushups to get that urge out and I think I'm going to try that. I need the physical thrust, and truly I am really bad at pushups, so I will try this.

I also like the idea of suddenly whispering. That stirs things up a bit, I"m sure. I bet it would work with the girls.

One thing I used to do with my oldest DSD and now am realizing I need to do with DSS is shift it into humor. Like take whatever it is that they're saying/doing that's ticking me off so much and flip it on it's ear and laugh my way out of it. That was golden with the oldest. Worked. every. time. And we had some really rough times. I need to remember it with DSS, he's 10 now and starting into that territory of just doing enough to sort of but not, but really actually cross a line, but then responding with the mock-innocent "what did I say/do" because he didn't exactly say/do anything, but was there on the threshold or did just enough to do such a thing without doing it. Nothing ticks me off more than that, and I react to that stuff the most strongly. So I have to remember to flip on it's ear. Seriously, if I could do a headstand to remind myself, I would.

Thank you mommas for this thread. And keep the ideas coming.

[paysarah]

Great thread, just adding another great book to the growing list:

Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

Gotta reread it myself, but her point is the anger isn't bad, but most of the ways we have been taught as women to deal with that anger is not helpful or productive.

[dexlor]

This was me last Tuesday. That is the night that DH works late so it is all up to me to put our 23 month old DD to bed. I'm so fortunate to have a supportive and great dad in my DH and to have a typically sweet tempered LO. But I've had this cold/cough since December and hate my job and am worried daily about our finances. So, keeping that in mind, I try to remain calm when I'm seething inside. DD last week started waking up as soon as we put her in her crib after nursing at night. 8pm bedtime is now about 10pm. 8pm is my time, our time to do whatever. So, I could feel my tension building even as I went to lay her down 'cause I knew she wouldn't stay down. I immediately used my very firm voice and ended up yelling and walking out twice as she crawled out of her crib, screaming for mommy. I finally roughly picked her up and brought her downstairs. I told her "if you wont' sleep, then I won't hold you and you have to just sit there and not play". And she did. And that broke my heart. She never just sits there. I was thinking that I scared her or confused her to the point of immobility. I sat there and calmed down and picked her up and said I was so sorry for yelling at her and being rough. She said sorry mommy, sorry mommy. I told her she had nothing to be sorry for and that just because she wants to be with me and not alone is no reason for her to be sorry. I asked her if she was scared when I yelled. She said "yes". From the start I should have just taken her downstairs with me till I finished what I needed to and then brought her to bed with me till she fell asleep. Which is what we have had to do this past week until we can transfer her to her crib. But in the moment of rage? It feels good to get it out. I hate that it feels good. Right after it sure doesn't.

I think visualizing how she and I will feel, think and react is key to staying calm. I didn't do this that night. I am glad that I was able to hug her and apologize and ask how she felt. My mother yelled a lot and terrified me sometimes. She never never apologized. She never asked how I felt. Even if my DD doesn't quite get what I'm saying. I think she understands the tone and my facial expression, so I know something is sinking in. We may do some damage but we need to see our responsibility in it and own up to it. Most of what our children do is for a very good reason...to them...or it's no reason at all...but I can't believe that they know they are pushing our buttons or testing or manipulating. I know once I start down that road, then I will yell and not apologize. I just can't afford to do that and neither can my daughter. Also, we just need to talk to other mothers, gently and honestly and forgive ourselves and remember those moments when we were the mother we always wanted to be.

[ema-adama]

I don't know if this book has been mentioned in this thread. I bought it when DS was a newborn, and refound it. Buddhism for Mothers

I am not a Buddhist, however, I like the chapter on anger.

I have been continuing to get angry, although it is not as bad as it was. But I still feel like a failure each and every time, and wish I could honestly say that I have my anger under control.

So, in this book, the author discusses the Buddha's teaching on dealing with disturbing thoughts (which precede the disturbing behaviour). Once you have identified the disturbing thoughts, there are 5 options he gives.

Dwell on the positive - consider the positives about the person/situation with whom you are angry

Consider the results of our thoughts - what it will look like after you have 'given in' to your anger (the shame remorse etc)

Distract ourselves - plan something in your head (holiday, meal, outing), read a book/magazine/exercise/whatever works for you

Consider the alternatives - Is there another way to see the situation? Use humour? Why does this specifically make me so angry?

Use our willpower - this is the one I try to rely on the most, and I can't. It doesn't work for me, especially if I am LIVID.

This is a rather cognitive approach to managing anger, and I know there are people who love cognitive psychology. I am not the hugest fan, but reading this, I at least felt I had some tools for 'in the moment'. I think I am going to write up the bolded part to put on my fridge to remind me when I start loosing my cool that there are other options.

[Freedom~Mama]

Subbing.

This is just the thread I need right now. Lately I have had a few times of totally losing my cool with my DC and I have felt awful about it.

[rockportmama]

Originally Posted by ema-adama

Buddhism for Mothers

So, in this book, the author discusses the Buddha's teaching on dealing with disturbing thoughts (which precede the disturbing behaviour). Once you have identified the disturbing thoughts, there are 5 options he gives.

Dwell on the positive - consider the positives about the person/situation with whom you are angry

Consider the results of our thoughts - what it will look like after you have 'given in' to your anger (the shame remorse etc)

Distract ourselves - plan something in your head (holiday, meal, outing), read a book/magazine/exercise/whatever works for you

Consider the alternatives - Is there another way to see the situation? Use humour? Why does this specifically make me so angry?

Use our willpower - this is the one I try to rely on the most, and I can't. It doesn't work for me, especially if I am LIVID.

Beautiful! Thanks for sharing!

My big anger trigger lately has been DH yelling at the kids. He yells at them, and then I yell at him. *Sigh*

I think as a society we're not allowed healthy expressions of emotion. And worse, we're taught that some emotions are bad. Anger itself is not bad. The behaviors we choose to use to express it may be bad (hitting, etc). Maybe if we could find healthy/harmless ways to express our anger it wouldn't bottle up? I don't know what that would even look like -- and it'd probably be different for everyone. Painting? Dance? Primal screams? I don't know.

Something I read by Eckhart Tolle yesterday got me thinking -- haven't tried this yet, but what if instead of saying "I am Angry" we said "I have anger"? Maybe once we identify with the anger and claim it as part of our identity it's harder to part with? Maybe if we can observe it inside us and watch it get spent harmlessly (somehow?) it would be easier to release? Tolle says we are not our thoughts and emotions. We are the awareness of our thoughts and emotions.

Still not sure what to do when Hubby yells at the kids. I know that me yelling at him just reinforces that it's OK to yell. *sigh*

[Picard]

I too am coping with anger. It comes and goes. Here's how I try to deal with it:

- Reflect on where my anger comes from. This, for me, is trying not to repeat how my mother dealt with us. She seemed a very angry, fragile kind of woman who was like a powder keg about to go off. She rarely did, but I learned how to tiptoe around her. I do not want to repeat this. Reflecting on anger issues is an ongoing journey.

- Learning how to express my anger in an appropriate way.

- Yoga practice.

- Louise Hay kind of stuff: there is an infinite well of patience and love within me, which I can tap into at all times.

- Always going back to the 'now' and realizing that I have a choice: be angry or be loving. New age kind of knowledge that you cannot hold two vibrations at the same time and that what you emit, will return to you manifold.

- Deflection: right away doing something different. Again, this has to do a lot with learning to be in the now and learning that I have agency over my emotions. (As in, I am not my emotions).

- Relativising: is this really something that I want to get angry over.

- Modeling: do I want to model anger? The answer is NO.

- Picturing my child as a tiny baby, sweet, cuddly, all love.

- Forgive myself for getting angry, and ask for forgiveness (or explain why I got angry).

Anger can stay with me for a long, long time, and it is a learning journey not to choose anger and its consequences. It's hard, but I work on it lots because it is so important.

I was sad and shocked, the first time my child seemed scared of me. It really gave me a reality check. Geez, that is not how I want our relationship to be.

[jp79]

This is a wonderful thread! Thanks to OP for posting and all of the helpful replies!

[madskye]

One thing that has helped me recently is equating my anger to my daughter's tantrums. When she throws tantrums, I want her to learn how to express her emotions in a better way. So lately, when I start to seethe and get on edge, I will actually say

"Uh oh! Mommy's starting to get really angry. I really need cooperation or a minute alone."

And it really helps me. Sometimes she does cooperate. Sometimes I just walk away and come back minutely refreshed.

I'm allowed to be angry too! But just like DD--it's not ok to be verbally abusive, or use angry hands, or slam doors...talk about it, take a walk, take a minute all those things help me get a grip.

[kayleesmom]

subbing to this

[jaam]

subbing also. I so need this right now.

[Chloe'sMama]

THanks for this thread.  I have lost it and actually spanked DD1 several times and I just am so angry at myself.  I found lots of great ideas on how to distract her and myself.

Thank you

[mommy212]

subbing- another short temper mommy 

[abiyhayil]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnLk1dJf7JY&feature=related  the kids saw this on facebook one day and thought it was hilarious  Every so often I sing this except 'spank somebody's butt' and we crack up and the moment is over