Originally Posted by Surfacing
So I've been reading When Anger Hurts Your Kids by McKay (et al). It is basically cognitive behavioural therapy -- examining our beliefs and assumption, how we magnify our thoughts and label. For example, my child keeps crying and tantruming when I say no to something. Belief/assumption: "She's doing this to test boundaries... AGAIN! She ALWAYS does this! It's so annoying!" Magnification: "I can't take this!!!!" Labelling: "She's so uncooperative!!!"
There's a brief 3 or 4 page section on age appropriate behaviours, and developmental norms based on age. Then comes the reality check (for example): "My four year old is just trying to get what she wants. This is human. She doesn't know how to cope with disappointment yet, she's only 4. She will learn. It's annoying but I can handle it. I'm the grown up here. How can I gain her cooperation/redirect her/give her what she needs?"
Similar to Steps To Effective Parenting, there is a section that talks about how a child "misbehaves" when she/he doesn't feel like they fit into the family in a productive way. I'm not sure I'm explaining it right. But I'll keep trying... a child needs to feel like they belong and are worthy by fitting in through cooperation and contribution of their skills and attributes. So they may use revenge or power plays or something to get attention and feel important. We should encourage them to feel important through cooperation and encourage them to develop skills to do things themselves that they're capable of. This develops self-esteem.
I'm learning so much here. This is some stuff I've read before but I feel like I'm ripe...
Another excellent resource Mamas, from my pdoc: http://www.circleofsecurity.org/
"The Circle of Security® is an innovative intervention program designed to alter the developmental pathway of parents and their young children." Click in, go to the Resource section at the top of the page and check out the downloads. You can print out some stuff, and post them around you as reminders (
: like I have done
). Based on attachment theory. Very lovely.
Thinking of you Mamas today!!! We had a rough few days but today was much better.
You have to try, try again. Pick yourself off, dust off and keep going.
Thank you for all this, it's so helpful. I like the idea of the child needing to feel a productive part of the family.This is where, for me, Continuum Concept stuff helps - not being child-centred, helping the child be part of what the family does rather than the other way round. But that's just an aside.
I've just had two 'no yelling at all days', - which at the rate I've been going lately, is good in my books - and felt much more connected with DS, enjoying parenting him, and more patient too. It seems to be a weird kind of feedback loop - once I start giving into my frustration and venting it in any way towards him or the environment, I then feel frustrated more easily and more quickly,and so it goes on. But when I manage to control myself and be the parent I want to be, which for me largely involves SLOWING DOWN (not rushing around) and remembering 'How important is it?', then I am far less likely to get impatient in the first place.
I'm finding what's helping me the last couple of days is, when I start feeling frustrated, and feel I might soon crack, to voice my feelings gently (DS is 21 months so prob doesn't understand, but it's for my own benefit mainly), ie 'I'm starting to feel a bit angry now', and for some reason that really helps me. It's like ,I'm owning my feelings, acknowledging them, not suppressing them, but for me it puts that 'pause' button between the stimulus and response that BetsyNY was talking about. It helps me to acknowledge my own needs in the situation, and hopefully as DS gets older it will model for him how to approach one's emotions. Today, sadly, I did shout one time (after he did the same thing for a 10th time and I just got so frustrated b/c he seemed so 'wilful' and bc I was getting no housework done as a result), but straight afterwards I hugged him and apologised. It was terrible to see him upset. That should be enough for me. But somehow, I have to keep learning over and over again. It's forming new neural pathways in my brain, bc in my family anger was always the way. As Surfacing says, pick yourself up and start again...