Tricks for controlling temper in the moment - Page 3

[Xoe]

Originally Posted by La Rune

I'm struggling with this and my poor DD is only 13 months old.

She has always been a high-needs baby, and I have to admit, that made me angry. I have no tolerance for screaming. Crying I can take, it makes me feel like helping a child ... screaming is a different story. It makes me want to just shut. them. UP. And she has been a screamer from Day 1. Even when I was wearing her, nursing her, bouncing her, and getting nothing for myself, she screamed constantly......

I had screamers. Have you checked to see if she has reflux? You may have to consult a pediatric gastro doc for the answer.

xoe

[xbabymamax]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz

I, too, was parented by an angry and violent dad. And although we don't hit or spank our son (conscious choice), I realized that the reason my child hits and pinches ME is that my big-scary-angry-face "feels" violent to him! By virtue of the fact that I am big and powerful and a parent, any time I turn big anger onto him.....sheesh....who could blame him for feeling the need to (a) defend himself by fighting back and (b) follow my lead and adopt anger as his response? I'm sure this is it. I taught him how to do all the rotten angry things that he does.

That being said, I am having great success turning it around. And I am sure I can do it. (And having my first & only kid at 43 and having this realization just this year at age 49, that's really saying something! It's never too late!!)

Here is my attempt at explaining what helps. First I realize that *I* control whether someone pushes my buttons. You can read that in a million different books, but until you really FEEL it, it doesn't make sense. But it's true.

Because of the experience of being hit by my dad, and feeling utterly helpless, I can see that when someone hits me, it is a potential trigger. But note the word "potential." We signed up for a 3-class trial of Kung Fu for him last week, and already the talk of "respect" and "discipline" and the practice of getting down to his level and looking each other right in the eye when speaking....this has all helped. I also keep my eye on the ball; i.e. my goal.

Example...Today, he got frustrated during lessons (we homeschool). He started to take it out on me first by sassing, and then by trying to hit me. I kept my eyes locked on his and deflected his blows, saying "I will not be hurt." "We don't hit during lessons." And I tried to enunciate his feelings to defuse it "You might be frustrated; maybe you're scared you'll get the wrong answer, but this isn't the way" (all the while he's whapping at me, mind you, and I am deflecting, eyes steady). I ask "do I need to go into another room to be safe from you?" (he says No) But in my mind I am NOT letting go of the idea that "I will sit here and finish this lesson. Nothing will get us off track. He needs the assurance that his powerful feelings can't knock me over emotionally. I am strong enough. He needs me to be stable enough. I am teaching him now. No matter how frustrated he gets, it's his job to sit down and handle it without hitting. I can wait him out. I am TEACHING him by my calm. It is my job to do this. I will NOT have the same fear & violence-based relationship with him as I had with my Dad." etc

And BTW I forgive my Dad. I heard from relatives that HIS Dad had been brutal to him. And then died when my Dad was only 7. He was a scared and angry little kid, no doubt. He didn't have it in him to break the cycle, and he passed it to us. But I am DETERMINED to break that chain. Actually I can say that I HAVE done it, because parenting this boy is the most important and precious thing I will EVER have been entrusted to do. And my life was so marred by sadness and fear by what my parents did.....it stops RIGHT HERE. It is these thoughts that "I choose better" that really calm me.

The past is really gone. The future hasn't happened. What will I do with the only moment I have--i.e. NOW?

Thanks for listening. If I can feel hopeful about this, then I'm sure you can too when your time is right.

Wow. You brought tears to my eyes. Your message was really poignant. Thank you for sharing. Thanks for the scenario examples.

[prothyraia]

I encourage my oldest (3 in November) to tell ME to take a time out when I'm being grumpy/yelling/scary/whatever.

And I find that hearing that calms me right down, even if he yells at at me while trying to smack me in the face, or something.

[kreeeesta]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz

I, too, was parented by an angry and violent dad. And although we don't hit or spank our son (conscious choice), I realized that the reason my child hits and pinches ME is that my big-scary-angry-face "feels" violent to him! By virtue of the fact that I am big and powerful and a parent, any time I turn big anger onto him.....sheesh....who could blame him for feeling the need to (a) defend himself by fighting back and (b) follow my lead and adopt anger as his response? I'm sure this is it. I taught him how to do all the rotten angry things that he does.

That being said, I am having great success turning it around. And I am sure I can do it. (And having my first & only kid at 43 and having this realization just this year at age 49, that's really saying something! It's never too late!!)

Here is my attempt at explaining what helps. First I realize that *I* control whether someone pushes my buttons. You can read that in a million different books, but until you really FEEL it, it doesn't make sense. But it's true.

Because of the experience of being hit by my dad, and feeling utterly helpless, I can see that when someone hits me, it is a potential trigger. But note the word "potential." We signed up for a 3-class trial of Kung Fu for him last week, and already the talk of "respect" and "discipline" and the practice of getting down to his level and looking each other right in the eye when speaking....this has all helped. I also keep my eye on the ball; i.e. my goal.

Example...Today, he got frustrated during lessons (we homeschool). He started to take it out on me first by sassing, and then by trying to hit me. I kept my eyes locked on his and deflected his blows, saying "I will not be hurt." "We don't hit during lessons." And I tried to enunciate his feelings to defuse it "You might be frustrated; maybe you're scared you'll get the wrong answer, but this isn't the way" (all the while he's whapping at me, mind you, and I am deflecting, eyes steady). I ask "do I need to go into another room to be safe from you?" (he says No) But in my mind I am NOT letting go of the idea that "I will sit here and finish this lesson. Nothing will get us off track. He needs the assurance that his powerful feelings can't knock me over emotionally. I am strong enough. He needs me to be stable enough. I am teaching him now. No matter how frustrated he gets, it's his job to sit down and handle it without hitting. I can wait him out. I am TEACHING him by my calm. It is my job to do this. I will NOT have the same fear & violence-based relationship with him as I had with my Dad." etc

And BTW I forgive my Dad. I heard from relatives that HIS Dad had been brutal to him. And then died when my Dad was only 7. He was a scared and angry little kid, no doubt. He didn't have it in him to break the cycle, and he passed it to us. But I am DETERMINED to break that chain. Actually I can say that I HAVE done it, because parenting this boy is the most important and precious thing I will EVER have been entrusted to do. And my life was so marred by sadness and fear by what my parents did.....it stops RIGHT HERE. It is these thoughts that "I choose better" that really calm me.

The past is really gone. The future hasn't happened. What will I do with the only moment I have--i.e. NOW?

Thanks for listening. If I can feel hopeful about this, then I'm sure you can too when your time is right.

I to was very moved by your post. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts/feelings/story.

[rockportmama]

Haven't read any but OP yet, but this jumped out at me:

Originally Posted by ginadc

I hate myself for this.

I've learned that once I learn to forgive myself my mistakes, it becomes possible to forgive others. In other words -- as long as I yell at myself, I will yell at my kids. Learned that from NVC -- Non-Violent Communication. Excellent book.

Gonna read the thread now.

*Hugs*

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by rockportmama

I've learned that once I learn to forgive myself my mistakes, it becomes possible to forgive others. In other words -- as long as I yell at myself, I will yell at my kids. Learned that from NVC -- Non-Violent Communication.

Thanks for sharing this.

[AngelBee]

: This is a major issue for me as well

[doublyblessed]

my almost 7yo dd follows me a lot too when i need space to calm down. i also am short fused. it sucks. i have all these skills yet sometimes in the moment when she is NOT stopping something like talking rude, being mean (to me or herfriends...),etc. drives me up the WALL. she's been doing this not stopping thing since about 3yo. she just won't quit. or she defies what i told her not to do...ie. stop playing so rough w/ a kid in the pool or stop jumping on the floor as we have people downstairs from us ...i have even given alternative ideas. sometimes i don't WANT to be playful and let my guard down when i'm already so darn upset and hurt/frustrated.

lately i'm at a loss. i too just had a major major blowup. i'm trying SO HARD to be non-punitive andl loving all the time but this child is something else. i seriously have considered many a time the past 2 years of giving her up. she just is so mean and rude. so i become mean and rude. and the cycle goes on and on...

[NellieKatz]

Sometimes it seems to us like the child is "being bad" when that's really not what's going on. First, they may be imitating us (have we been yelling or using our "big scary face"? have we been impatient and raising our voices when we get frustrated?) Secondly, they may have something going on, or some unmet need, but they just haven't learned the skills to cope with their strong feelings yet. I mean, if WE are having trouble with controlling ourselves when someone provokes us, imagine how hard it is when you've only been on earth for 6 or 7 years, and haven't seen that much "good coping" to begin with!

So take a breath, realize that this is all a learning experience--for both of you. Don't feel that you have to be "loving all the time." If you are upset, I'm sure it would benefit both of you to have that feeling expressed--in a non-volatile way, of course. :-)

Hang in there. I know how it feels. When you feel like you're getting it all wrong, it's pretty painful. I haven't visited this thread in a while, but though many things have improved for us since it was first begun, just today we had our own issues. And I feel like a failure and I worry for his future, blah blah......I think it's just natural to feel very intensely about these issues with our kids.

Speaking of our kids, mine is calling me, so I must go.... Best of luck to you.

[jennpn]

I take deep meditating breaths..."Breath in love....Breath out anger" in and out...until the anger disipates. You may need to leave for a moment to do this. Works for me.

[jewelsJZ]

Signing on to this thread. Love the idea of a pause button.

[mataji4]

This is the thread I am looking for tonight! I love my kids super much but my oldest is just my button pusher. I cannot believe how challenging he is. I feel like sometimes it's all day every day management of him, i.e. where is he, what is he doing, etc...oh look, he's sawing on a tree or he's gone off on his bike or he's picking all the apples off the tree or carving in our picnic table or?????? He's always always been very willful and perseverant. In the last year or so I have hit him a handful of times, like whopping him upside the head, when my patience is gone and I feel like I'm going totally insane. I want to stop it. When I pass a certain point I'm gone. It's like I have no control over what I'm saying or doing, like my brain is one step behind and then it's like "what have you done?" It's a HORRIBLE feeling. How can I expect him to make good choices when I can't??

The counting doesn't work for me, but I'm going to try out the idea of the PAUSE between input and response...that makes good rational sense to me. I'm just scared I can't get ahead of my monster mama self. I'm scared I can't change. I am so tired of fighting with him, butting heads, letting him get to me. ugh.

We got in a fight today before he left for a weekend trip and I feel just awful. Why would he love and respect me when I act like that???? It's not so often considering his often button pushing, but still, I don't ever want to feel out of control like that again.

Thank you for the insights...please keep sharing what's worked for you!

[kreeeesta]

I too feel absolutely HORRIBLE about myself. Just yesterday I was yelling at my 18mo ds at the top of my lungs!! I'm so embarrassed of myself - we live in a condo - everyone probably heard me and must think I'm psycho!

I just don't know how to control myself. In the moment, when I'm "seeing red", in some corner of my mind I may even think, "What am I doing to him? Stop it!", but still can't seem to stop acting the way I am. It's like I'm possessed by the rage. Afterwords, I am so crushed.

I sometimes think it might be nice if something happened to him and he died. Then I could get my life back, my SELF, my SPIRIT, back. I know this sounds so completely horrible. I feel horrible for thinking it. I just am at the end of my rope. He just gets into EVERYTHING, and doesn't listen when I tell him he needs to stop doing something. He goes and does it anyway, while looking out the corner of his eye to see what I'll do. I don't know what I have possibly done that has made him act this way. It's been ever since he became mobile.

Ugh! I'm a mess right now, sorry. I just feel like such a failure, you know?

[mataji4]

I was inspired around midnight last night to replace our long list of family rules with signs in each room that read "BE KIND." I took that from my daughter's teacher, as it's their only class rule. It pretty much covers everything and is in big letters, easy for us to see from anywhere in the room.

I also tied white cotton yarn to my wrists...symbolism: wrapped four times on each wrist, one wrap for each child, white for peace and easy to see, and will remind me of my children and to PAUSE. They worked twice for me today in moments where I was going to yell, not too loudly, but still, I took a breathe and just talked nicely. That felt very very good

Thank you all for sharing. Glad to know that other people just get more mad too while counting to 10. I like counting out loud backwards from 1000 til calm...it might take me the whole way sometimes!!

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by kreeeesta

I too feel absolutely HORRIBLE about myself (snip) I don't know what I have possibly done that has made him act this way. It's been ever since he became mobile.

:

His behavior is entirely age appropriate; you didn't do anything to make him that way. They're ALL that way.

I can empathize with the feeling of being totally consumed by your child and ceasing to exist; it can be so overwhelming. My only advice is to try and carve out some time and space for yourself (you need it!), and I can tell you that things will get less intense as time goes on. My almost-three-year-old has actually asked me to leave him alone (!?! )

[NellieKatz]

I heartily agree with the age-appropriateness thing. At 18 months a kid isn't necessarily "being bad" or "misebehaving" -- so every time we interpret their actions that way we think we will go crazy because they are ALWAYS doing "it" (whatever "it" is). But seriously...at 18 months they aren't about to "obey." It's not as simple as that. They have a lot to learn and experiment with, and frankly they might get a charge out of our reactions if they're explosive.

And do NOT worry.....this WILL pass. You will eventually get your Self back. Seriously! When we are in the middle of it, we think that oh my god my Self is gone forever. It is not. It gets better. But it is up to you to find a way to set Boundaries if you are going to have that happen.

I am not a Christian, but the Boundaries series of books by Cloud & Townsend is SUPER. There's regular Boundaries, Boundaries for Kids, Boundaries in Marriage....the lessons you can learn in these books will serve you for your whole life, even if you are not a Christian. And I don't mean angry boundaries...I mean firm, kind, limit-setting, sanity-saving boundaries.

And one more thing: there is a book by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka called Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. GET THIS BOOK. I sound urgent because a few posts back I heard some real urgent-sounding stuff that freaked me out a little. (I think I hit "quick reply" on the wrong post but can't see how to get out of it) So seek out these good resources that can give you a better, more helpful perspective when you're in the thick of it.

These children get ONE CHILDHOOD. We owe it to them to do our very best to honor them---and also to show them that we honor ourselves. That is a powerful lesson they need to learn, by example.

OK I will get off my soapbox now.

[jennydecki]

I'm a counter. Not your "calm down in ten seconds" kind, oh that would be a joke if I tried to do it.

When the kids have me at my wit's end I yell for them to go to their rooms, then I stop yelling about what they *did* and start counting...at the top of my lungs... it goes a little something like this:

ONE, TWO, RUTABEGA, ELEPHANT, DEER SOCKS, FOURTEEN, EIGHTY-SEVEN...

And I keep counting until one of the kids starts laughing and then I start laughing and then I'm able to sit down and tell her that what she did was not okay and it made mommy so mad she forgot how to count. (They know this is important, they're 3&4)

I get my yelling anger out, they know the situation is important, and I'm enjoying this thread because it will have other great ideas I can try!

For me, the key is to keep yelling until I'm not mad anymore, but my kids aren't scared because I'm saying funny stuff. (They have tempers, too and have done this to each other on several occasions...it makes me feel good I'm teaching them a way to cope with anger that's not "be a good, sweet, nice girl and bury it deep" - that never works...)

[NellieKatz]

I like that idea....it made me chuckle. It points something out to me that needs to be looked at.

Very often, when I am in the heat of the moment, and I remember a funny and cheerful suggestion like this one, something is revealed to me about myself. It is this: I find myself not wanting to laugh. I become very aware that I want this to stay dead serious. If we laugh, something will be lost (or so says my subconscious). But what is it?

I think this is very interesting! It reveals to me that maybe the yelling bit is more about ego and ME, ME, ME and YOU MUST COMPLY and I'M THE BOSS.......(sounding childish yet?)

It takes a true grownup devoid of ego to be able to "give something away" at that key moment of fury. To be able to let down guard, become soft again, to laugh, to give the child that funny way out, then talk later when the waters are calmed.

So very often I am not that big a person. But Jennydecki has nailed it. How dangerous we become when we take ourselves too seriously.

Thanks for the reminder, Jennydecki....a reminder which can't come too often!

[Limabean1975]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz

These children get ONE CHILDHOOD. We owe it to them to do our very best to honor them---and also to show them that we honor ourselves. That is a powerful lesson they need to learn, by example.

I like this alot. In fact, I just e-mailed it to DH and asked him to print it up in large font to put on the fridge. A great and gentle reminder.

[Limabean1975]

Originally Posted by jennydecki

I'm a counter. Not your "calm down in ten seconds" kind, oh that would be a joke if I tried to do it.

When the kids have me at my wit's end I yell for them to go to their rooms, then I stop yelling about what they *did* and start counting...at the top of my lungs... it goes a little something like this:

ONE, TWO, RUTABEGA, ELEPHANT, DEER SOCKS, FOURTEEN, EIGHTY-SEVEN...

And I keep counting until one of the kids starts laughing and then I start laughing and then I'm able to sit down and tell her that what she did was not okay and it made mommy so mad she forgot how to count. (They know this is important, they're 3&4)

Oh my god, you are awesome.