Originally Posted by crwilson
And then I got it, and it was heaven. I felt like myself again. I wasn't a desperate animal wishing that I could just die. I pushed, and I worked with my contractions, and my daughter was born. At first, I was okay with the way things worked out, but then I started to realize that I am ashamed of my birth story because I did all of the things I was hoping to avoid. I still feel embarrassed to talk about it because I was so set on having a natural birth and I let everyone know it.
Now I'm pregnant again, and I'm terrified to go through labor. I still really want that natural experience that I hear so much about...but I have no confidence in my body's ability to labor without so much pain that I want to die. I feel like I'm just not made right for this particular part of mothering. I've tried to convince myself that if things had gone differently I wouldn't have needed the epidural - if I hadn't gotten the Pitocin, if I hadn't been so scared of the hospital, if I would have had a doula. But then I'm worried that I'm just deluding myself, and that I'm just not tough enough to do it. And I also can't help wondering - what am I struggling so hard for? The epidural wasn't negative for me; it was the opposite. I feel like I'm becoming a sell-out, though, a selfish person if I go in wanting an epidural.
All of this!!!!
The embarrassment of having talked to everyone about how you were going to avoid interventions! And noooooo, you weren't going to beg for the epidural! And when people ask you about the birth it's so awful to talk about.
The shame of being "Selfish" and getting the epidural when you know it is riskier for you and your baby - that you "cared more about your own comfort than your baby's safety"
That in the middle of the pain dying just wasn't scary anymore - staying in the pain was! That messed with my head.
Wanting another baby but being terrified to do it again. half thinking "hey, next time I won't need to be induced! Next time they said I will go super fast! I pushed like a pro the first time, the second time will be much easier!" and contemplating doing it naturally. Maybe if I hadnt been induced my milk would have come in?
But then the other half of my brain despairs at the thought of ever being there in the pain again, wants to "order the epidural from the parking lot" like everyone joked I would, runs through scenarios like 'omg, what if it were a snowstorm and we couldn't get to the hospital and I had to have the baby at home WITH NO DRUGS??!!'
And yes, the 'evil' epidural was awesome for me! As soon as I got it I felt sane again, got a bit of rest and then pushed with no pain or problem and she was born lightening fast! I had no side effects, baby was alert and beautiful........we bonded instantly.......there was no negative for me. Only that I had waited so long.
It's so hard. I was talking to my dr. shortly after DD was born and confessed how ashamed I was of the birth, that I was so out of control, wasn't strong enough, wished the baby away, got the epidural. She was suprised because she had been impressed with how well it went and how fast DD was born for a first baby. She told me "The measure of a mother can't be taken at 3cm. It is 3 months, 3 years that matter, not how you do at birth"