Feeling disenchanted about childbirth? - Page 2

[jennica]

Originally Posted by soxthecatrules

First,

I'm not sure that I belong in this section either. After spending several months reading posts on MDC and starting to become depressed about my birth experiences and feeling like I had been robbed.... I had to stop and put things into perspective and think for myself. I came to this conclusion....I had two intervention laden births (due to HBP issues)....one was not very peaceful (DS born at 35 wks 5 days) and one I felt was every bit as peaceful as delivering naturally. DD birth was just magical IMO. I have a wonderful OB, I had probably the best L&D nurse at the hospital, everyone in the room was relaxed, and as soon as DD was born she was put on my chest, the nurse asked if I was going to BF, I said yes, and she said "well. Lets get this baby to the breast!!" It was beautiful! But, sometimes I feel that if some women on this board experienced what I experienced that day they would have cried foul!....and I can guarantee you there was nothing bad about that day!!!!

I am not sure what you are saying here? Are you suggesting that women are retrospectively finding their births traumatic because they read stories here on MDC of better births then theirs? Being disappointed and being traumatized are quite different things. I can assure you that no one is feeling traumatized because someone else had a better birth then they did, or even because more interventions were needed to deal with an issue that arose. There are many reasons why a woman would perceive her birth as being traumatic, and those reasons are not always apparent to people on the outside of the experience. Feelings of trauma do not spring from feelings of disappointment or depression. Trauma comes first. Trauma can give way to depression if left untreated, or if it persists for some time. Disappointment is always present with trauma, but trauma is not always present with disappointment. Reading other women's good birth experiences will not create a traumatic response, though it may trigger buried feelings of trauma that were already there.

[lotus.blossom]

I feel like soxthecatrules might be saying that the general theme here is that natural or homebirth births are best and that while her birth wasn't traumatic-it wasn't the natural birth or homebirth that most women here desire.

Maybe I'm wrong.....

But this thread is less about trauma and more about just feeling let down by the dream of a magical perfect birth that I know I geared myself up for. Mine wasn't traumatic but it certainly did burst the birth bubble that I took 9 months to build up around me.

[jennica]

Originally Posted by lotus.blossom

I feel like soxthecatrules might be saying that the general theme here is that natural or homebirth births are best and that while her birth wasn't traumatic-it wasn't the natural birth or homebirth that most women here desire.

Maybe I'm wrong.....

But this thread is less about trauma and more about just feeling let down by the dream of a magical perfect birth that I know I geared myself up for. Mine wasn't traumatic but it certainly did burst the birth bubble that I took 9 months to build up around me.

I see your point. I just took it differently in the context of it being posted on the trauma forum, and my having had a truly traumatic birth. I certainly didn't find my own birth traumatic because I read about better births here. I didn't even know this forum existed when I gave birth. But perhaps I mistook the comment, or am being a bit too sensitive.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by jennica

II just don't buy into the whole joyful, ecstatic, orgasmic, trust birth ideals. I just want my next birth to be not-traumatic. I don't believe I can trust something that has proven itself to not be completely safe or satisfying of an experience. When you come away with physical and mental trauma, you just can't "trust" that this wont happen again. I can't delude myself that well, I guess I am just too firmly grounded in reality.

Yes!

[Katico]

4 months after DD's birth I am still just....SO disappointed.

I was a birth info junkie, read every book on natural birth, loved people's birth stories, watches all the movies, had a midwife, planned for a home waterbirth......I was so confident that I was prepared, that I could stand up to the pain (after all, I have a "high threshold" for pain.....) and would have a beautiful, natural birth where my body did what it was meant to do.

And then I had to be induced b.c of hypertension, and my dream of a homebirth disappeared. And I started to worry about whether it would be more painful b/c it was an induction but was determined to do the best thing and avoid drugs. And at first I was so proud of how I was dealing with the pain. But then I went from 5cm backwards to 3 cm and stayed there for hours! And they decided they had to step up the pitocin.

I tried the tub to help with the pain and found it DID NOTHING FOR ME. My dreamy notion of the "midwife's epidural" was shattered

And the panic set in. The pain was so unbelievable and I wasn't even half dilated....I had gone backwards!!.....they were ramping up the pitocin and I knew that would mean it was just going to hurt more......I tried the gas and it made time slow down to the point I thought minutes were hours.......I was so scared. There was meconium so they were prepared to swoop her away from me when she was born.

I screamed, I swore, I verbally harassed everyone in the room. I accused my midwife of lying to women, telling them natural birth was possible. I could not have cared less about birth balls or warm water or visualizations...I was too busy wishing for death, begging for a c-sections, finally breaking down and begging for an epidural.....

And when the epidural finally took effect and I was back in my right mind I started sobbing....because I already felt like such a terrible mother - I had wished I wasn't having a baby, I had wished my little girl away! I wasn't strong or brave. I was humiliated and so terribly sad. I was so sad because in that moment I felt like I had ruined her birthday and also so sad because I felt like we could never possibly have more children, which we wanted so badly- I knew I could never do it again.

Happily, I went from 4 cm to 10cm in less than an hour, pushed her out in 20 min with only a tiny tear and she was so beautiful, it was instant deep unbelievable love.

Physically I was fine afterwards, very little healing/pain.....but emotionally was a different story. I felt like either something was terribly wrong with my body that it hurt so badly, or the horrifying truth was that women had been suffering like that forever.....and I don't know which idea is worse.

I feel like there is a big club of mamas out there who were strong and brave and DID IT...and I wasn't good enough somehow. I went from being this big natural birth advocate to knowing I will never ever birth without an epidural. Everyone was so impressed with how quickly she was born, assured me that next time would be so much easier, that without an induction I would have been a natural......none of that helps. I gave away all those natural birth books and videos....unpacked my homebirth box....and just try not to think about it too much. It's like a huge part of who I was and what I believed just.....stopped.

And then to top it all off I wasn't able to breastfeed. After a month with such a tiny supply, trying everything under the sun, with my MD, midwife and LC mystified......I had to formula feed.

I felt these things were so vital, so funadamental to my image of how I would mother.....and here I am.

I am so disappointed, disillusioned, saddened, embarassed, traumatized

But DD is the greatest gift I could have imagined. I would go through it again 10 times for her. I am a good mother. A great mother. And she brings us such joy.

[Mechella]

^^I'm sorry.

[Harmony08]

I love this thread. I want to quote so many posts that it became too much. I agree that something wonderful has happened to the way we view birth in this country. Things are changing and that it great but we are forgetting something. We are losing our focus. Childbirth has never been risk free and it still isn't. Every time a mother and baby make it through the process in good health, we should celebrate. But many of us have gotten the message that this isn't good enough. Somehow we are all getting this message that we won't feel pain if we are enlightened enough, that getting an epidural is selfish and damaging and you are trading bonding with your baby for your own personal comfort. Sure birth can be a very positive life affirming experience...for some people...but every body, every baby, and every birth is different. Once size fits all attitudes never work. So lets encourage the demedicalization of birth and give women more control, more choice, but maybe we could stop short of making the birth itself seem more important than the baby.

I had a mix of an experience. I was centered, confident, positive, prepared. I wasn't stressed. I was one with the universe. I had done my Hypnobabies, I had read Ina May Henci Goer, Active Birth, and Birthing from Within. I trusted my body, i felt connected to my baby..............After 30 hours of painful contractions....about 20 of which were so painful I couldn't not wail and moan at the top of my lungs...I was only 3 cm. I was absolutely exhausted having not slept for 2 nights. I went ahead and got the epi. (If I had known how hard pushing was I would have gotten it earlier and had more rest). I LOVED my epi. I felt SO good. I was SOOOOO tired. It allowed me to connect to my baby again and feel happy about the whole thing. I thought I had it in the bag for the pushing because I had the epi. Pushing for me was pretty rough. I pushed for 4 hours. I was puffy, swollen, exhausted, broken blood vessels everywhere. I had to push like I thought I would die from it. I pushed so hard I thought it would kill me. "Like you're having a bowel movement" my a**! I remember blackness and me screaming and yes PAIN!!!

I had a really hard time after birth. I felt so betrayed by my body. I felt so confused, so disappointed. My friends said things like "Pushing was so empowering" "I pushed 9 times!" "I just worked with the contractions" etc and I felt like something was wrong with me. I also felt like something was wrong with me because it was SO painful. I thought it was the same pain for everyone and I assumed I was just wimp . At my 6 week my midwife told me that No it is not the same for everyone. She told me I had a successful vaginal delivery and I pushed him out all by myself under extreme exhaustion. I was dumbfounded because it had never occurred to me to be proud of myself. Especially because I got the epi.

One point that makes me different here is that I swear that I experienced a birth high. I know I wasn't supposed to because of the epi but when they put my son on my chest I just felt like something inside me exploded (in a good way).

Natural birth does not equal magical, empowering experience.

Medicated birth does not equal painless, easy, unmagical birth.

Almost a year later I do feel empowered or something like it. It is the craziest, hardest, biggest, most insane thing that ever happened to me but it is just that....something that happened to me.

Birth is just birth but your baby is YOUR BABY.

[ZoraP]

I think much birth trauma could be avoided by making sure women have the right kind of psychological support during their births, rather than giving them the illusion of control they get from all the natural birth propaganda. My first birth was difficult, long, and medicated (PROM, pitocin, epidural, episiotomy), but I didn't feel traumatized by it, largely because my doula (also an experienced midwife) was so excellent at helping me come to terms with each intervention as it happened. ("OK, we didn't want to use pitocin, but now that you're on it, here's what will happen and here's what is good about it.") She was so awesome that I really felt proud of myself despite having had so many things stray from my "birth plan." In the birth journal she kept for me she called it "the epitome of a triumphant birth" and I couldn't agree more.

(BTW, I also had a real birth high after that birth, despite all the meds and the 48 hours w/o sleep. I don't agree that epis take away all the joy of birth.)

Given the same circumstances, the same pain, and the same interventions with different birth attendants I could easily have felt terrified and traumatized.

My next birth went much faster and was unmedicated; once again, my birth attendants were very positive and helped me through the pain. I can only hope that my upcoming third birth will be the same; of course I'm still going into it with some apprehension because I know how tough giving birth is. All I ask is that my birth attendants advocate for the best options and psychologically support me while I'm going through it; I don't aspire to a "perfect birth." For me, a perfect birth is one in which both mother and baby are healthy at the end of it.

[crwilson]

I can't say how happy I am to see this thread and to realize that I am not the only one who feels this way and who had this experience. With my first, like many of you, I was an information junkie. I read everything I could get my hands on about natural childbirth. I felt confident; I was excited about labor. I couldn't wait to put all of my newfound knowledge to use.

The experience of birth...not at all what I thought it would be. I was induced after contracting every five minutes for 48 hours with no progress. I hadn't slept in that full 48 hours for more than 5 minutes at a time. MW broke my water and then gave me pitocin (which I didn't know about until later). I remember my contractions getting so painful and so quick...and all the birth balls and position changes and visualizations were a joke. My midwife said something about "imagining my baby coming to meet me" and I remember swearing at her in my head. Once I started throwing up, I asked for something to ease the nausea...somehow I got Demerol. After that was the most horrifying experience I've ever had. I think the dosage was wrong; something was wrong. I was basically paralyzed and conscious only at the peak of my contractions and then pass out again. I couldn't talk or communicate, or think. I finally managed to beg for an epidural, which I had sworn I wouldn't get no matter what.

And then I got it, and it was heaven. I felt like myself again. I wasn't a desperate animal wishing that I could just die. I pushed, and I worked with my contractions, and my daughter was born. At first, I was okay with the way things worked out, but then I started to realize that I am ashamed of my birth story because I did all of the things I was hoping to avoid. I still feel embarrassed to talk about it because I was so set on having a natural birth and I let everyone know it.

Now I'm pregnant again, and I'm terrified to go through labor. I still really want that natural experience that I hear so much about...but I have no confidence in my body's ability to labor without so much pain that I want to die. I feel like I'm just not made right for this particular part of mothering. I've tried to convince myself that if things had gone differently I wouldn't have needed the epidural - if I hadn't gotten the Pitocin, if I hadn't been so scared of the hospital, if I would have had a doula. But then I'm worried that I'm just deluding myself, and that I'm just not tough enough to do it. And I also can't help wondering - what am I struggling so hard for? The epidural wasn't negative for me; it was the opposite. I feel like I'm becoming a sell-out, though, a selfish person if I go in wanting an epidural.

Ugg - it's just a mess emotionally.

[Katico]

Originally Posted by crwilson

And then I got it, and it was heaven. I felt like myself again. I wasn't a desperate animal wishing that I could just die. I pushed, and I worked with my contractions, and my daughter was born. At first, I was okay with the way things worked out, but then I started to realize that I am ashamed of my birth story because I did all of the things I was hoping to avoid. I still feel embarrassed to talk about it because I was so set on having a natural birth and I let everyone know it.

......

Now I'm pregnant again, and I'm terrified to go through labor. I still really want that natural experience that I hear so much about...but I have no confidence in my body's ability to labor without so much pain that I want to die. I feel like I'm just not made right for this particular part of mothering. I've tried to convince myself that if things had gone differently I wouldn't have needed the epidural - if I hadn't gotten the Pitocin, if I hadn't been so scared of the hospital, if I would have had a doula. But then I'm worried that I'm just deluding myself, and that I'm just not tough enough to do it. And I also can't help wondering - what am I struggling so hard for? The epidural wasn't negative for me; it was the opposite. I feel like I'm becoming a sell-out, though, a selfish person if I go in wanting an epidural.

All of this!!!!

The embarrassment of having talked to everyone about how you were going to avoid interventions! And noooooo, you weren't going to beg for the epidural! And when people ask you about the birth it's so awful to talk about.

The shame of being "Selfish" and getting the epidural when you know it is riskier for you and your baby - that you "cared more about your own comfort than your baby's safety"

That in the middle of the pain dying just wasn't scary anymore - staying in the pain was! That messed with my head.

Wanting another baby but being terrified to do it again. half thinking "hey, next time I won't need to be induced! Next time they said I will go super fast! I pushed like a pro the first time, the second time will be much easier!" and contemplating doing it naturally. Maybe if I hadnt been induced my milk would have come in?

But then the other half of my brain despairs at the thought of ever being there in the pain again, wants to "order the epidural from the parking lot" like everyone joked I would, runs through scenarios like 'omg, what if it were a snowstorm and we couldn't get to the hospital and I had to have the baby at home WITH NO DRUGS??!!'

And yes, the 'evil' epidural was awesome for me! As soon as I got it I felt sane again, got a bit of rest and then pushed with no pain or problem and she was born lightening fast! I had no side effects, baby was alert and beautiful........we bonded instantly.......there was no negative for me. Only that I had waited so long.

It's so hard. I was talking to my dr. shortly after DD was born and confessed how ashamed I was of the birth, that I was so out of control, wasn't strong enough, wished the baby away, got the epidural. She was suprised because she had been impressed with how well it went and how fast DD was born for a first baby. She told me "The measure of a mother can't be taken at 3cm. It is 3 months, 3 years that matter, not how you do at birth"

[Katico]

And you know what else? Now that I think of it, I ended up being disenchanted about midwifery too.....

While my MD was totally supportive afterwards and reassured me that I wasn't a bad mother because of how my birth went....my midwife told me she felt that ANXIETY had held me back during labour....that if I had just been in a more open state of mind my labour would not have stalled/I would have been able to visualize through the pain, etc......

And then, I saw my midwife twice in DD's first week of life, before we knew my milk really hadn't come in....and she reassured me everything looked great, that yes DD had lost a bit more weight than usual but that I shouldn't be concerned, that it wasn't so terribly strange she hadn't pooped since we left the hospital.....and then I take her to my doctor because I realized something wasn't right....and she was practically starving and dehydrated.

I did everything imaginable for a month - constant breastfeeding and pumping, supplementing at the breast, a prescription, herbs, oatmeal, hot compresses, LLL consultations....you name it, I did it and I still had almost no milk. I was a miserable, sleep deprived wreck, wracked with guilt that I couldn't feed my baby.

When I finally decided I had to stop, my (very pro-breastfeeding) MD told me she had never had a patient try so hard for so long to avoid formula feeding, that I should feel proud and not guilty, that she had no idea why I had no milk but that I had done everything I could.

My midwife? She thought I just must be pumping wrong, or latching wrong, or something.....the insinuation was that I just wasn't trying hard enough, that I could still make it work.....even when I told her I was stopping

As if I didn't feel badly enough as it was, as if it hadn't been an agonizing decision to stop and formula feed.....I just felt it was the final black ball against my membership in that 'amazing brave milk laden mama club'

[crwilson]

Katico- it sounds like your midwife was completely unsympathetic and unempathetic too! I'm sorry that you had that experience.

To add to all of this, I feel guilty for even calling my experience a "trauma" because it wasn't what I wanted, and I do feel badly about it...but was it really trauma? I came out of it with a healthy baby and being relatively healthy myself. I think about trauma as something from which you don't emerge whole.

Nevertheless, I do want to work through this before my next labor in about six months. As I'm setting up interviews with doulas and talking to my midwife, though, I can't help but wonder if I'm just wasting my time. If I am in the same kind of pain that I was the first time, I can't say that I won't just give in to the epidural again, maybe sooner.

[First Time Mama]

Definitely. Before I had DS I was a birth junkie, loved attending births, reading about them. I was a doula, and a midwifery student. I really wanted to find an apprenticeship. I spent five or six years before I became a mother immersing myself in birth. I had always dreamed of homebirth and had waited impatiently to experience pregnancy. When I got pregnant I planned a homebirth. I did have an absolutely wonderful, joyous pregnancy. It was truly probably the happiest time of my life. Most of my labor actually progressed very well, and I did a lot of it alone. However when I got to the pushing phase everything went wrong. I ended up pushing for many hours without any progress, getting exhausted and transferring. In the hospital, it ended in a c section, as the on call o.b claimed my cervix was too swollen for any other options. I am incredibly disappointed and let down by my midwives, I felt they intervened in ways that hurt my labor and I feel that their actions may have caused my section. I have felt such an incredible loss in not being able to give birth. I wanted to feel my child coming out of me. I wanted to hold him right away, and see him before he was cleaned up and bundled. I wanted to discover for myself if our baby was a boy or a girl. I wanted to feel empowered and strong (I expected to feel so) and instead I felt helpless and not a part of the process. I do not feel now that I can do birth work, I don't want anything to do with birth. I don't want to see it, watch it in movies, or read about it ( only vbacs). I don't want to be a midwife any longer. And so, I grieve not only the experience of birth and passage into motherhood that I so wanted and lost, but also my desire, what I felt I was so sure was my calling of working with birthing women. What do I do now? I haven't found anything else to be as passionate about.

[CherryBomb]

Wow, I totally empathize with pretty much everything said here. My second birth (HBAC turned urgent c/s) was definitely traumatic. My third birth was an easy, uncomplicated hospital VBA2C. I did have the birth high right after and phsyically felt so much better than with my two preivous c/s. But I just don't feel that "OMG BIRTH IS SO AMAZNING!!!" thing. I don't "trust birth". I RESPECT birth. It's like the wind, you know. 9 times out of 10 you get a nice gentle breeze, but then every once in awhile it's a tornado up your ass.

I feel a lot of disenchantment with the birth community. I felt like there was a lot of hype and pressure to conform to an idealized vision of birth. I see so many women who don't live up to that and it seriously damages their self-image and their trust in themselves as mothers. I felt a lot of negativety from the natural birth community (not pointing any fingers, just talking generally) for having the audacity to not only have a successful VBA2C in the hospital (which I was told repeatedly was basically impossible), but to also have demanded some interventions and then refusing to apologize for them. I guess I feel like there's a lot of lip service about respecting women's choices but it doesn't seem to pan out so much in reality.

I think a lot of my feelings now have to do with being 18 months down the road and realizing that I don't love my VBA2C child anymore than my others. I didn't bond with her any easier than my first baby that I didn't get to hold for four hours, or my second baby that I didn't get to hold for 5 days.

I'm pregnant again and while I hope for another easy vaginal delivery, I'm just not looking forward to it (the delivery itselft). I can remember the intense pain of transition and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'm not even going to have a doula this time because the one I had last time (that I loved and that truly believed in respecting women's decisions and not cramming an agenda down their throats) moved and I just don't want to deal with feeling like I have to live up to someone else's expectations of MY birth.

I think these feelings are good to get out. Thank you for starting this thread.

[lotus.blossom]

I enjoyed reading your perspective Katie, especially since you have had a
VBA2C. My HBAC transfer really threw me for a loop. Especially since it was my do-over from the mistakes I made in my first labor. But now I feel like I don't have any more chances. My HB midwives won't take me again and I live in an area where you have to travel for 2 hours to get to a VBAC friendly hospital and I don't even know about VBA2C. So the thought of having to schedule another c/s and go through a medicalized pregnancy takes away the magic of it all. I seriously don't know if I will have any more children because of it. Its a shame that I built up the process of birth to the point of it almost being more important than the baby.

I have avoided the mama/baby get togethers that my HB midwives put together because I cannot bear to face the other HB mamas and have to explain my story over and over. I feel like I would be the outcast, the transfer statistic.

[Ceinwen]

I had a fourth degree tear with my first (short pushing phase - 7 minutes) and a scheduled c-section with my second. Both left me feeling out of control, despite the fact that I had extensive birth plans, an awesome support team, and a fabulous midwife. I'm nostalgic at best and bitter at worst...

[lillacfaerie]

I think it's very important to be practical when it comes to our health in general. Yes, a lot of the choices we make have an affect on our health (birthing babies included), but our choices do not guarantee a healthy birth, healthy baby or healthy body. Even the most healthy people get cancer, heart disease, etc. The reason I chose to have a natural birth was because I didn't want to recover from anesthesia. Plain and simple. I'm happy I didn't get an epidural, BUT, if I were in terrible pain, I would have asked for it. There are so many factors that go into birth outcome. Your muscles, or ligaments, your pelvis, the size and position of your baby, your comfort level with your practitioner, your relationship with your hubby, your relationship with your body. The list goes on forever! I think it's a bad idea to have a natural labor for emotional reasons. We get so hyped up about it! Yes, some women are so proud of themselves after they have a natural birth. Some women are proud of themselves after a planned c-section too! I was not proud of myself after the birth of my baby. In fact, I thought it was terribly humiliating. I didn't really enjoy all those people seeing me in such a primal state. But, I am happy that I don't have any vague symptoms from getting an epidural, like so many women who've had them get. I will always try for a natural birth from now on, because I believe there are benefits to it. But to think that it's going to help you bond with your baby, or get some sort of a high, is just setting people up for disaster.
ON a side note...people have been getting PTSD from birth for a long time. My great grandmother was in labor for a week with her twins in 1910. One died, the other was a healthy baby girl. She was traumatized. She never had another baby after that. Once she attended the birth of one of her neighbors, like women did in ye olden days, and her husband had to come and get her. Apparently she had a flashback to her own labor and was hiding behind the stove trembling and hysterical. The doctor was more concerned about her than the laboring mother. Keep in mind that this woman was a farmer's wife in 1910! She was tough as nails. Birth can be terribly traumatic.

[terrabella]

Originally Posted by crwilson

I was induced after contracting every five minutes for 48 hours with no progress. I hadn't slept in that full 48 hours for more than 5 minutes at a time. MW broke my water and then gave me pitocin (which I didn't know about until later).
<snip>
but then I started to realize that I am ashamed of my birth story because I did all of the things I was hoping to avoid.

I didn't sleep for over 72 hours from labor that wouldn't progress. I was so happy to be induced. I was exhausted and had a fifteen month old baby. I was thrilled to receive the cytotec and have my bag of waters ruptured. I have no guilt about that. I wasn't in a good place. Yes, I think my body would have had that baby. I'm a "good birther". In fact I'm actually very proud that my body was rocking out the early labor like that. Sure, I *know* that I would have had him just fine on my own when the time was right. And on top of it all, I found out after the fact, that there is a reason cytotec contractions hurt SO bad. I'm so very thankful that my birth ended safely. And yet, knowing all of that, I have zero regrets about opting to be induced. I wasn't in a good place. I'm totally ok with my decision.

Originally Posted by CherryBomb

I don't "trust birth". I RESPECT birth. It's like the wind, you know. 9 times out of 10 you get a nice gentle breeze, but then every once in awhile it's a tornado up your ass.

Originally Posted by lillacfaerie

I think it's very important to be practical when it comes to our health in general. Yes, a lot of the choices we make have an affect on our health (birthing babies included), but our choices do not guarantee a healthy birth, healthy baby or healthy body. Even the most healthy people get cancer, heart disease, etc.

Yes! Yes, yes yes. Do all that you can. Do your best to have a healthy pregnancy, and a good birth. Make that effort, it usually pays off.

But when the cards fall a different way, do not, not, NOT beat yourself up about it! You're not a failure. Your body isn't broken.

"Variation of normal", right? If a footling breech is a variation of normal, if a posterior presentation is a variation of normal, if a 43 week pregnancy is a variation of normal, then why isn't a woman with a narrow pelvis a variation of normal? Why isn't a woman who "can't carry to term" a variation of normal? Why are women so quick to blame their bodies for something that is so entirely up to chance?

Do we blame our perfect babies when they're born with a birth defect? Absolutely not.

Why blame ourselves for being pre-disposed to high blood pressure, or having an incompetent cervix?

Originally Posted by lillacfaerie

people have been getting PTSD from birth for a long time. My great grandmother was in labor for a week with her twins in 1910. One died, the other was a healthy baby girl. She was traumatized. She never had another baby after that. Once she attended the birth of one of her neighbors, like women did in ye olden days, and her husband had to come and get her. Apparently she had a flashback to her own labor and was hiding behind the stove trembling and hysterical. The doctor was more concerned about her than the laboring mother. Keep in mind that this woman was a farmer's wife in 1910! She was tough as nails. Birth can be terribly traumatic.

Wow.

[DocsNemesis]

@Katico-that's just horrible! I can't believe a midwife would be so selfish and rude and...just wow. I hope I never become like that!!

I had been seeing midwives with my last baby and ended up very sick, totally out of the blue, and facing a decision of whether to risk myself and my baby and try to have an induction at 33 weeks or just go ahead with a cesarean. All of this just a few hours after going to the ER for what I thought was gas!

Anyway, I decided on the cesarean after seeing how quickly my labs were going downhill (I had a single liver enzyme raised when I went in; 2 hours after that, with all the support systems in place, I had one or two other liver enzymes raised through the roof and my kidneys were shutting down). When I told my midwife I was opting for the cesarean, not only was she very supportive, but she was actually the one who went back with me and supported me through the whole thing. She stayed with me for a few hours afterwards, advocated for me while she was there (she made sure they got me a pump immediately and made sure they were taking my pumped colostrum up to my son in the NICU), and had me come for a postpartum visit even though I was technically not her client anymore. She had me come in again once my ds was out of the hospital and just spent an hour talking to me about the whole experience and how I was doing, emotionally.

I know this was kind of off topic but this, in my mind, is what a midwife is supposed to be like! I came away from this experience so sad that I couldn't go back to her (they don't take VBACs) and at the same time, knowing that this is how I want to be when I become a midwife.

Just know you did everything you could and heck, even I probably would've given up sooner!

[shells_n_cheese]

Originally Posted by LilacMama

I completely understand what you're saying. I will be getting an epidural with my next birth, no apologies.

I admittedly dream of this often when thinking about a possible #3 in the future... but the thing that will most likely deter me from going with an epidural next time is the fear of another shoulder dystocia and being unable to move around to get the baby out. The thought alone just terrifies me.

Kinda pissed though. Me--natural birth advocate--would have HAPPILY looked forward to a more relaxed epidural laden birth in the future.