Unconditional Parenting support thread - Page 8

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

MarineWife, I sent that to my DH. He's been talking to me about having a hard time not blaming others for the way he feels.

My dh has the same problem. He grew up in a blaming atmosphere and he doesn't seem to comprehend that it could be any other way. If something happens, it has to be someone's fault. When I try to talk to him about how whatever it is isn't 5yo ds' fault, for example, he then turns it around on himself. It must be his fault, then. He's wrong. He's bad. He's an idiot. I try to explain to him that it's no one's "fault" but he just doesn't get that.

I'm better at it. I don't blame others for my feelings but I have a hard time sometimes distinguishing, practically speaking, between responsibility and blame. Maybe it's just the feeling behind it. If I take responsibility for something, I accept my part but don't feel bad about it. However, if I blame myself for something, I feel quilty.

As soon as I can, I'll post a bit about why I need this thread. You all will find that I double post a lot and am long winded. Sorry about that.

[smeisnotapirate]

I have a problem with feeling responsible for OTHER peoples' feelings. Like I frequently find myself worrying whether I've caused people's reactions - total strangers sometimes.

I'm working on it.

[MarineWife]

Finally, a little about my situation right now. My main issue is with the demands that my 5yo makes. He expects me to do whatever he wants whenever he wants it no matter what. If I don't do what he wants right away, he screams and wails and has a fit. I've tried talking to him about it, giving him reasonable reasons for why I can't do whatever it is right now, like I'm in the bathroom. He won't accept any of them. I have tried just sitting with him while he works through the feelings but it goes on so long that I eventually have to leave him to do other things such as attending to my 2yo. He goes on and on and on and gets right in my face until I finally can't take it anymore. When I try to leave he follows me, continuing with his fit. I end up sending him to his room. I tell him he has to go there until he can calm down. I don't set it as a punishment but he still feels like it is, anyway. Any ideas?

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

I have a problem with feeling responsible for OTHER peoples' feelings. Like I frequently find myself worrying whether I've caused people's reactions - total strangers sometimes.

I'm working on it.

Yeah, that's a hard one, too. I had a hard time with that for a long time. I went through some things myself several years ago and was able to work through that so I don't put that on myself anymore. I do a lot now to avoid situations where I think someone might get upset by something I say. I just let a lot of stuff go without comment these days.

[apple_juice]

So the kicking is still happeneing during diaper changes. I lost my temper today (I am a such a b*%ch in first trimester) so I feel like crap!

I will keep trying different techniques to get it to stop but it is so iritating.

I am also finding myself being influenced by the paenting culture here on the base and I do not like it. I find a lot of paents here are very disrespectful of their kids to the point it makes me uncomfy and when they talk about the discipline they use at home (not allowed to be punitove at the centre, although some are) I feel so icky. I ty to steer the conversation away from that because I don't want to talk about contolling kids.

I was very heabily influenced last week by a mom (she controls her kids so much it is almost micromanagement) who basically judged my parenting and my house cleanliness infront of a bunch of people and it left me reeling and rethinking but I am back on trackand trrusting myself and my instincts that G defintley is thiving with less control and more compassion.

I have even found myself relaxing about his bedtime more and not freaking when he isnt in bed by 8. I find I am so much more relaxed when I don't sweat the small stuff and try to look trhough his eyes and meet his needs.

This seems kind of rambly andnot making much sense but I was sort of in need of a brain download.

Thanks

[MarineWife]

apple_juice ~ Are you guys military? I am, in case you couldn't tell by my name. Being in the military community seems to make it a lot harder to treat kids gently. Most parents seem very controlling and punitive, many to the point I consider abusive. I tend not to get involved in child activities and playgroups and the like that are through the military or for military families. I just can't stomach it. Remember that when someone is judging you it's usually because she feels threatened by you. Maybe your lifestyle and parenting threatened that other woman because she's not comfortable with how controlling she is. You don't need to respond to that sort of thing. Not getting drawn into trying to justify how you do things shows your confidence. Sometimes a short, flip comment can nip things.

With the kicking while being changed, is it necessary to keep your ds dressed all the time? Or does it have to be done right at that moment? Can you walk a way or step back and just wait for him to stop kicking? Tell him you will finish getting him dressed when he's done. Maybe you can wait a while or do it in bits and spurts. My dcs run around naked in the house as much as they want so we have less struggles with changes and dressing (and one is not fully potty trained but he's working on it). If you are pulling your ds away from something to change him, that could be contributing to his resistance. Can you change him wherever he is so that he's not pulled away from what he's doing?

Today I had to get ds3 dressed so we could go out. He turned himself over on his stomach so I couldn't dress him easily. I said, "Ok, you can stay there until you are ready to be dressed but we can't get in the car and go until you are dressed." He immediately turned over and let me dress him. I think he's a bit older than your ds. He's 26 months (2 years).

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

My dh has the same problem. He grew up in a blaming atmosphere and he doesn't seem to comprehend that it could be any other way. If something happens, it has to be someone's fault. When I try to talk to him about how whatever it is isn't 5yo ds' fault, for example, he then turns it around on himself. It must be his fault, then. He's wrong. He's bad. He's an idiot. I try to explain to him that it's no one's "fault" but he just doesn't get that.

I'm better at it. I don't blame others for my feelings but I have a hard time sometimes distinguishing, practically speaking, between responsibility and blame. Maybe it's just the feeling behind it. If I take responsibility for something, I accept my part but don't feel bad about it. However, if I blame myself for something, I feel quilty.

As soon as I can, I'll post a bit about why I need this thread. You all will find that I double post a lot and am long winded. Sorry about that.

I do this - the overactive responsibility bit.

My son tends more toward tone of voice issues than words that are hurtful or otherwise undesired. What have you all found to be helpful in helping a child to perceive tones of voice?

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by harrietsmama

My son tends more toward tone of voice issues than words that are hurtful or otherwise undesired. What have you all found to be helpful in helping a child to perceive tones of voice?

Modeling what you want to hear is always a good thing. Try to pay attention to the way you and other family members talk to each other and to other people you come in contact with. Many times I have found that when my child is doing something I don't like, he is copying my behavior that I didn't even realize I was doing.

Not reacting to the tone in an emotional but way matter-of-factly stating that you don't like being talked to like that. I have stopped doing things for my ds when he yells an order at me. I tell him that I don't like being ordered around but am usually happy to do things for others when they ask. I don't make him say please or anything like that. Just, "Would you ...," rather than, "Do this right now!"

One thing to keep in mind is that behavior won't change over night. It's a constant ebb and flow.

[jewelsJZ]

joining this great thread!

[chataine]

hey guys, i am not a regular poster.. but i often come here when i am at my wit's end because i don't agree with most secular parenting..then i login today and see this thread and it made me <3 ...

so i think i need to whip out "how to talk to kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" but i haven't yet.. my 3.5 yr old, it seems ,all of a sudden has stopped listening.. before if she was tormenting her brother and i said "stop" she would..and i could help her through either calming down or redirect her.. lately she escalates her behavior or takes off running into another room.. her level of aggression seems to have escalated towards her brother (19 mos) but i am thinking it might be a) one of the kids she plays with often started getting really rough.. and her brother finally started hitting back..so now they fight all the time.

this isn't even really my big issues.. my DD is always in what she calls a "mama mood" where she doesn't want to let my DH do anything for her..she says "no mama!" and whines, its gotten so bad that i feel SO taxed...my DS nurses a lot still and i am 10.5 weeks pregnant. she won't hold his hand when crossing the street, let him put her to bed etc.. and then its like she is having mini breakdowns anytime she is disappointed..

its all within the last two weeks all of this started to climax to the point where i am now..i don't know how to handle it.. my husband and i are starting to get really frustrated.. and exhausted.. maybe she knows something is going to change? with the baby..she has known about my pregnancy for a long time, and is very gifted verbally so we talk about it all the time.. and has seems very excited..

i guess like anything else i didn't know how to parent a two year old until i had one, and i am struggling with this stage.. any advice or insight would be great..

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

Modeling what you want to hear is always a good thing. Try to pay attention to the way you and other family members talk to each other and to other people you come in contact with. Many times I have found that when my child is doing something I don't like, he is copying my behavior that I didn't even realize I was doing.

Not reacting to the tone in an emotional but way matter-of-factly stating that you don't like being talked to like that. I have stopped doing things for my ds when he yells an order at me. I tell him that I don't like being ordered around but am usually happy to do things for others when they ask. I don't make him say please or anything like that. Just, "Would you ...," rather than, "Do this right now!"

One thing to keep in mind is that behavior won't change over night. It's a constant ebb and flow.

I'm not saying I'm totally innocent, although I do very well, but he's modeling my ex. His dad is very very stressed right now and I try to give him extra time to himself and what not, but I've heard him speaking very sarcastically, grumpy, etc., even to me. I'm not sure I can do anything to influence him, but I can help Crispin when he's in my environment. That's kind of why I need some extra ideas because He's getting lots of dad, then he's here and I want to help him undo it, kwim?

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by chataine

hey guys, i am not a regular poster.. but i often come here when i am at my wit's end because i don't agree with most secular parenting..then i login today and see this thread and it made me <3 ...

so i think i need to whip out "how to talk to kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" but i haven't yet.. my 3.5 yr old, it seems ,all of a sudden has stopped listening.. before if she was tormenting her brother and i said "stop" she would..and i could help her through either calming down or redirect her.. lately she escalates her behavior or takes off running into another room.. her level of aggression seems to have escalated towards her brother (19 mos) but i am thinking it might be a) one of the kids she plays with often started getting really rough.. and her brother finally started hitting back..so now they fight all the time.

this isn't even really my big issues.. my DD is always in what she calls a "mama mood" where she doesn't want to let my DH do anything for her..she says "no mama!" and whines, its gotten so bad that i feel SO taxed...my DS nurses a lot still and i am 10.5 weeks pregnant. she won't hold his hand when crossing the street, let him put her to bed etc.. and then its like she is having mini breakdowns anytime she is disappointed..

its all within the last two weeks all of this started to climax to the point where i am now..i don't know how to handle it.. my husband and i are starting to get really frustrated.. and exhausted.. maybe she knows something is going to change? with the baby..she has known about my pregnancy for a long time, and is very gifted verbally so we talk about it all the time.. and has seems very excited..

i guess like anything else i didn't know how to parent a two year old until i had one, and i am struggling with this stage.. any advice or insight would be great..

It sounds like she needs a few extra times snuggling skin to skin with mommy, maybe take some of her favorite fluffy/dolly buddies and a few books to bed and just snuggle for awhile. Shorter more frequent periods will probably help fill her cup.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by harrietsmama

I'm not saying I'm totally innocent, although I do very well, but he's modeling my ex. His dad is very very stressed right now and I try to give him extra time to himself and what not, but I've heard him speaking very sarcastically, grumpy, etc., even to me. I'm not sure I can do anything to influence him, but I can help Crispin when he's in my environment. That's kind of why I need some extra ideas because He's getting lots of dad, then he's here and I want to help him undo it, kwim?

Yeah, that's a hard one. I have to deal with the influence of my oldest teenager on my LOs. I also have to deal with the influence of his friends and their families. My 5yo ds has picked up a lot of nastiness from his best friend that I have to try to combat. I also have the issue right now of the influence from the other children who were in my home for a week. They come from a very controlling, nasty, abusive home and were just plain mean to each other. Now I have to try to sort of deprogram my dses from thinking that's an ok, normal to talk to others.

Again, I think the best way to do that is to not react emotionally to what the child does but state in a neutral tone that you don't like it and to model what you do find acceptable as much as possible. I do tell my ds that I don't like being ordered around and feel less inclined to do what he wants when he demands it. I don't hold a grudge, though, and refuse to do anything for him even when he changes his tune unless I'm so angry in the moment that I need some time to calm down myself. I guess that could be seen as positive reinforcement. I think doing it that way seems to express that I love him no matter what but I do have personal boundaries of how I want to be treated. It's a balancing act and I'm certainly not perfect at it, either. Every day is a new beginning, though.

[ShineliketheSon]

So grateful for this thread...just got UP book from the library..I take a little of this and a little of that...I know there are some key things I will apply to my molded GD parenting style...always learning always changing! thanks for your openness mamas!

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

Yeah, that's a hard one. I have to deal with the influence of my oldest teenager on my LOs. I also have to deal with the influence of his friends and their families. My 5yo ds has picked up a lot of nastiness from his best friend that I have to try to combat. I also have the issue right now of the influence from the other children who were in my home for a week. They come from a very controlling, nasty, abusive home and were just plain mean to each other. Now I have to try to sort of deprogram my dses from thinking that's an ok, normal to talk to others.

Again, I think the best way to do that is to not react emotionally to what the child does but state in a neutral tone that you don't like it and to model what you do find acceptable as much as possible. I do tell my ds that I don't like being ordered around and feel less inclined to do what he wants when he demands it. I don't hold a grudge, though, and refuse to do anything for him even when he changes his tune unless I'm so angry in the moment that I need some time to calm down myself. I guess that could be seen as positive reinforcement. I think doing it that way seems to express that I love him no matter what but I do have personal boundaries of how I want to be treated. It's a balancing act and I'm certainly not perfect at it, either. Every day is a new beginning, though.

Glad to know I'm not the only one This is kind of how I've been approaching it, but I'm going to try to pay more attention to my own tone and make sure it's what I want to convey. Thanks mamas!

[apple_juice]

Hey everyone,

New day new issue..

But first yes Marinewife we live on a base, my husband is in the Canadian Forces. I have never lived on base before prefering living in the towns we are posted to but it wasn't possible this time. I do notice what you notice about the parenting culture it is very punitive. I also notice alot of disrespect towards their partners which usually alienates me from any adult conversation going on.

On to my newest issue. My son is eating art supplies and by eating I mean chowing down. He asks to pain or colour everyday and I am getting so angry about this constant eating of crayons, markers and paint that I either do not let him do art or I get so angry that he won't stop that I need to leave him until he is finished his snack. For some reason it makes me really angry. Right now I can hear him biting the tips off the crayons. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, should I just leave it. Let him paint and pig out till his heart is content and eventually he will grow out of it? They are all non-toxic.

Should I put all art supplies out of sight and revisit art in 6 months?

My husband suggested spraying bitter apple on crayons and putting soap in the paint so he will be detered but I think that might be a little mean. Any other suggestions would be great because right now art time is on the verge of mommy freakout time for me.

[mckennasmomma]

apple juice-how old is your son again?

[harrietsmama]

Apple Juice, do you think it could be anything nutritional? Pica is a possibility if he's especially picky ( hence a mineral deficiency) or I don't know what else might lead to it - it's a craving to eat non food stuff. Unless he's still pretty young in which case some of the stuff they eat just is exploratory. Could you do art with food items? Like paint with ketchup or ummm, ugh drawing a black here but I'll bet you could find something online.

[apple_juice]

G is 19 months old. I think it may be that he is exploring and likes the taste. I was a bit worried about pica. He isn't very picky at all though. He eats everything with gusto except meat.

Someone at a playgroup today mentioned maybe getting soy crayons so I am not worried about the petro based ones.

I noticed he rarely eats it when he is at his easle. He mostly eats them when he is siting so maybe if we try only doing arts standing at the easle.

On a funny note my DH actually tried the paint and he said it isn't too bad, kind of minty.

[MarineWife]

I like the idea of doing art with food items until he grows out of this phase. My 2yo likes to eat crayons. It drives me crazy. But, then, he's been putting everything in his mouth lately. I feel like I'm constantly talking to him about how it's not safe to put anything but food in our mouths.