post #41 of 367
6/24/09 at 8:54pm
When my middle DD started having the tantrums, I myself started having panic attacks. I didn't know what to DO and I was so afraid of what would happen the next time she had one. I lost my temper on more than a few occasions and I ignored her on others and that never worked. It became highly evident that she herself was afraid of those emotions too and needed to know we were there for her. She had one just today, in the middle of open gym with other parents and teachers everywhere and I am proud to say I had no fear, and I was able to just hold her and be there for her. I did restrain her from going out to the area where the stuff had just frustrated her, but finally she relaxed and made me take my arms off of her but just sat. Then she started doing her deep breathing and her teacher brought over some bubbles and you could just see her poor little self sort of crumble out of exhaustion. It's a lot to be 3, and it's a lot to support it. It's so much like being a doula it's weird. There's nothing I can DO to make it better, or make it stop, I can just be there and that's just what she needs. I almost started crying myself when it was over because it's just so intense. She's very smart and compassionate but man, when she's in that state she's difficult to like. But I feel like I'm learning so much and becoming a stronger parent because of how she is. I think it's the crux of UP to be able to accept your child even in their worst moments, because I know my mom would have advised taking her to the bathroom for a swift spanking. I apparently never got a spanking as a child because I was so good...but I wonder if I was so good because of fear?
Anyway, then later this evening she delivered a terrible beatdown on her baby sister and I completely lost my temper and UP went fully and completely out the window and I now need to go downstairs and apologize and put her to bed and mend our relationship since I actually called her a "terrible big sister". I have to hope that the good moments outweigh the bad because it's incredibly difficult.
So, what do you do from a UP perspective when one child hurts the other intentionally?
Saw this in New Posts and I'm curious - how do you handle #12 and #13 in the mornings, when you HAVE to be at work on time, dc HAS to be at school on time?
Is there any interest in this?
Here are the thirteen principles of Unconditional Parenting:
1. Be reflective.
2. Reconsider your requests.
3. Keep your eye on your long term goals.
4. Put the relationship first.
5. Change how you see, not just how you act.
7. Be authentic.
8. Talk less, ask more.
9. Keep their ages in mind.
10. "Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts."
11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily.
12. Don't be rigid.
13. Don't be in a hurry.
It's hard, and by no means does it mean you HAVE to run on toddler time all the time. I mean, if I completely never ever rushed my kids we'd never go to the fun places they really enjoy.
But I'd say if you're finding your mornings consistently hairy, I'd try to do even more prep work the night before...