Regretting the big V ?

[Halfasianmomma]

My DH has wanted to get a vasectomy since we first brought DD home from the hospital. He's had 2 oopsies with 2 other women before me, and then he met me. I really wanted to be a mom so he agreed to have a child with me but he told me straight off the bat that he couldn't handle any more after that. Although he's only 32, he started young and I think he truly is done. He says he feels like he spent his early adulthood raising kids and now he would like to focus on his career a bit.

I'm actually happy that he's willing to get a vasectomy to save me from having to take BCP all the time, but at the same time, I'm wondering if we'll regret it in a few years from now, when DD is a toddler. DH categorically refuses to admit that this might be a possibility, but I'm a bit worried. At the same time though, I'm so fed up of taking pills, and I certainly don't want to get preggo again...perhaps even never. It was pretty hard from start to finish and I don't have that *yearning* when I see other babies...perhaps I'm done too, even after only one?

I'd love to hear from other mamas out there whose partners have had a vasectomy and were either a) happy about it or b) not happy about it. I'm still on the fence about this...

[zinemama]

My husband had one and has never once regretted it. Neither have I. We have two children (and when we got together dh didn't want any).

I understand your worrying that you might come to want another. I truly do. And if you and dh had only the one child, I might advise you two to wait. But your dh has three children. Two of which he didn't want in the first place. If I were you I think I would have to shelve any desire for a second baby with this man and accept the fact that he is truly done, the way he says he is. I'd go ahead.

[Sailor]

My partner is getting the big "v" as soon as we have our first child. People think we will regret this. But, personally, neither of us feel capable of parenting more than one child. Plus, I'm an only child - loved it. And we've always wanted just one child.

However - here is the difference for us: we are VERY open to adoption. My partner was adopted. We wouldn't have another biological child, anyway, if we wanted more than one. We would adopt. In fact, if we can't conceive "naturally" - for whatever reason - we plan on skipping any in-vitro or fertility treatments and just adopting.

So, even if we change our minds later on - the surgery won't make a difference. Neither of us are attached to the idea of a child genetically related to us. In fact, we just don't see the difference.

However, like the previous poster said, I would also get used to the idea of having one child. If your husband says he is done - take him at his word. And make absolutely certain that you, too, are OK with one child.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Could you think about an IUD? There is one out there with fewer hormones than the pill, plus then you could put the big V decision on hold for 5 years. At least this would be reversible. A lot could change over the course of 5 years.

[Keria]

You could always freeze some just in case sperm.

[bobandjess99]

Originally Posted by *Louise*

You could always freeze some just in case sperm.

ya, that

[Vermillion]

I don't have any advice in regards to the vasectomy, but I did want to respond about you feeling like you’re done after 1. I felt the same way! I was so happy and complete with my DS that I was all set with another baby... Well, as you can see by my signature, DH and I are TTC right now. My DS is 7 now, and I didn't even start to feel the baby urge until he was about 5, so... yeah. Things can definitely change over time. It's something to think about.

[MoonWillow]

Moved to Family Planning

[mama to 2 girls]

Dh had one when ds was only 2 weeks old and have not regretted even once....but that being said he is our 3rd and we are both DONE...my main reason being physically (I have a cystocele and a slight rectocele from ds and I feel like if I had to push out another 10lber everything might just collapse) .....

It's such a personal decision though....but I guess I would have to say that if he told you right off the bat how he felt then I agree with the op that I would have to respect his wishes and go thru with it...and although I know it doesn't always work, V's are pretty easily reversed (at least the type that dh had done). If you 2 are truly done I would do it. I've heard of too many people getting preggo with an IUD in place.

[Teenytoona]

Well, OP I guess we are a bit similar in our situations, given that your DH has previous kids and now one with you. DH has 5 kids, me being birthmom of the youngest. He is done. I am pretty sure that one (of my own, in addition to the stepkids) is all I can handle. He got snipped almost a month ago. We talked a little about it, he expressed some uncertainity (concerned about some of the occasional bad side effects), but then, he knows he's done. I'm certain I'm done. Sometimes I feel a little badly thinking DD might not ever grow up full-time with a sibling, but I also know that I do not want to go through those early PP months ever again.

I reckon it's possible that I might feel a little regret about it in the future. But it's ok. I feel regret about various life choices that I can't change (like transferring to the hospital for pain during my HB attempt), but I still am fairly content with where I'm at. I feel one can make a choice and it be permanent, and have some regrets about it, but also be at peace with it. If that makes sense. I also feel that a person can be content with giving birth just once. There are alot of mommas here who certainly want more than one, but there are also those of us who are content with our one pregnancy, birth and one genetic descendant (as it were). I too still think babies are adorable, but I also think something along the lines of "I'm so glad DD is older than that now..."

Even more so, I'm done with worrying about charting and condoms and did we do it right and should I try this method or that method and will this be another extra long cycle or do I really have to worry... and on and on.

[phatchristy]

If you're really not sure, freeze some sperm. Seriously. I have a friend whose DH had it done when she wasn't sure, their doctor told him to freeze sperm and they did not.

Of course, now three years later she's sure that she wants another and he would be OK with it too. He made an appointment for a reversal consultation, but then found out how much it costs and they can't do it financially, so they're stuck.

[Soul-O]

Yes, we regret it.

DH had a V when I was 6 months pregnant with DS #4. We bowed to societal, and familial pressure to permanently limit the size of our family, when in our hearts I think we always knew we weren't done adding to our family. We also felt that we were interfering with God's plan for our family by taking such drastic steps to limit fertility (although we are not exactly Quiverful).

After the V was done, DH began having testicular pain that has only gotten worse since he had the operation 18 months ago. He now relies on daily doses of pain medication to be functional in his line of work.

DH's reversal is scheduled for this coming Tuesday. We were very blessed to have the Army taking care of the surgery at our local hospital free of charge. The wait list for surgery through the Army was 2 years, but by some miracle, we were only on the list for 6 weeks before receiving the call to schedule.

Anyhow, OP, I hope you and your DH will feel at peace with your decision. I know that our situation is unique and rare, so don't feel that having the V will be a regrettable decision based on what I've written. I just wanted to throw out a "worst case scenario" for your review.

Take care, and good luck with your future plans.

[Sonnenwende]

It will be two years next month and the vasectomy was probably one of the best decisions we have made so far. Seriously, it is awesome.

[guestmama9916]

DH and I are soooo done! He's having the big V soon after our newest little one arrives. This will be #3 for me and #4 for him. I physically can't go through another pregnancy and DH is 47 so he's would like to think about retiring eventually. It just makes complete sense for us to do this and we both feel very ready for it. OP, how do you feel about only having one child? It sounds like you might be the one to regret it later on, not him (and that's ok! people are allowed to change their minds). I think its very important for both partners to be completely on board with this decision. If you have any doubts, those should be worked through before the V happens so it doesn't cause problems later on.

[annie2186]

So I have a question that is "kinda" off topic.

All the time I hear about getting a V AFTER the next baby arrives............I don't understand this at all - only because it takes "x" amount of time before the tubes are cleared, and wouldn't it be better to ummmm clear them while the wife is still preggers???

I don't understand - or is it just because you don't want your husband out of commission while you aren't feeling good?

Totally confused

[zinemama]

¥ou never know what is going to happen with a pregnancy. You might lose the baby. Or you might have a very sick baby that dies. Or after the baby is born, you might re-evaluate whether you are done or not.

I think that many people wait until the youngest is a few years old so that they can see how things feel with the new kid and what they want. When the dust has settled, so to speak. Pregnancy is such a highly charged time.

[Halfasianmomma]

ok, so what's involved in freezing sperm? Is it expensive or complicated?

[RunnerDuck]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

ok, so what's involved in freezing sperm? Is it expensive or complicated?

Personally I don't think the freezing some sperm idea would be my top choice, if I were in this position.

If you have an interuterine insemination (IUI) they have to prepare and wash the sperm. I don't know if they do this prior to freezing. You don't have to wash it for normal artificial insemination (where you just place it near the cervix) but it might just be standard protocol ... I don't know. But basically you need to make a sample and find a cryogenic lab - if you call any local fertility doctor they should be able to tell you who to use - they will prep it and freeze it and then you will pay for that and the storage for however many years...

Here's the thing. Even when the timing is perfect - which you would aim for with this - you only have a 20% or so chance of getting pregnant. Frozen sperm is never as good as fresh. Your odds of getting pregnant if you do this are not that high. And you'd only have as many chances as you had frozen samples - and how many samples do you want to freeze? You could end up paying for 3, 4, 5 years of storage and then get hit with baby fever and then get... nothing.

In theory it's a great idea. In practice... it might lead to disappointment. I don't know what the costs are for storage - it might be a few hundred a year, not a whole lot, but still.

Personally - if you're comfortable with the idea of an IUD - did you say? - I would say go with an IUD for a few years and then decide to either pull it and try (as many times as you want!) - or snip DH and pull it a few months later.

I think if you only have one and they are still small it may seem like you are OK with being done - and maybe you really are. But once the baby gets bigger and starts to do things like preschool, soccer, things like that - and the baby's friends are getting new siblings - that is when baby fever might crop up - and it would suck to be hit with baby fever and not be able to act on it.

I speak as an infertile woman, LOL... it sucks to know you can't just try like a normal person!!!

If you KNOW you are done, that is one thing... but if there are any reservations... I think the IUD gives you a nice way to stall.