How to forgive yourself for not practicing Gentle Disipline?

[marlee]

I am totally on board with GD. I understand the reasoning and don't advocate agression as means of disipline.

To make a long story short. I feel terrible for treating my dd the way I did and it goes against all my values and beliefs and I still did it. I crossed my line.

I am sooo angry at myself and can't believe that I didn't have the control to not react. How do I forgive myself and move forward? While still knowing and feeling that how I acted was totally inappropriate!

Gotta run..

[krystyn33]

Please be kind to yourself. Think about how you would want to speak to your child when she was dealing with regret and use the same tone & nurturing thoughts toward yourself.

No parent is without mistakes and I think we all struggle at times to live up to ideals while coping with our own emotional baggage. Children can be so resilient so it does make a HUGE difference if you concentrate on each moment going forward rather than dwelling on the past. Finding supportive friends with the same values and challenges can help tremendously. By meeting your daughter's needs now & going forward she will be able to process any issues she may have and not be burdened by any past parenting choices you regret.

Some people go through life not being mindful of the quality of their responses and behavior toward their children, or if they are aware, lacking the courage and will to change. To look honestly at yourself and take such a step is a remarkable effort. What a great thing to model for your children--showing them that transformation is possible and worthwhile. Feel sad about the past as you need to, but then let those feelings go. Now matters more than anything!

[4inMyHeart3inArms]

everybody makes mistakes. just make ammends and move forward. see if you can learn what triggered your reaction and how you can prevent it next time. I dont know the details or your situation but the solution may be something like if you had walked away 5 minutes sooner, took a breather, then came back and reapproached things. Or, even though I personally am not a big fan of time out, if you can't remove yourself remove the child to the room and take a breather before reapproaching the situation. or something else, but look at it as a learning experience.

[marlee]

Thank you so much for the replies. I will keep reading throughout the day to help be gentle on myself and enjoy the day with my children.

Sorry I cut the post short, my baby woke up. I didn't post details about the situation was looking for responses that are based on each persons individual ideas of crossing their person lines of what is acceptable.

Some may say what I did wasn't that big of a deal and others may think I am a terrible parent for what I did or said. But the point is that it is for me and I feel horrible

I've gotten very little sleep last night being so filled with regret. I do feel that I have been able to recognize the trigger as this is a spin off from a previous thread of a women reacting to her older child hurting her younger child. I do realize that in the future this will happen again (it is new she has only hurt him once before and I was extremely angry and scooped up the baby and walked away). I believe the baby's increased mobility may have something to do with the changes.

[Amberenergy]

Like the other posters said it's important to model being gentle with yourself. We all walk that fine line as mothers trying to do the right thing but sometimes we make mistakes. Modelling acknowledgement of the mistake and then moving on is a great gift to your children. As they will most likely make mistakes themselves. Whereas being caught in a quagmire of guilt...that's not what we want to teach our children right?

In the moment some things I have done seem awful now but many times I myself was stressed, exhausted and brought to my edge and that was why I reacted as I did. Practicing forgiveness of my own actions has made me a better mama to my precious babes. Like I always say,your children truly are the best teachers! Even for self love.

[averlee]

This is only an indirect answer but maybe it will help.

Parenting my daughter is parenting myself too. I am teaching her and I am learning. I'm remembering things I forgot- like how it felt to be tiny.
I try so hard. I love my daughter so much. But l'm not perfect. Sometimes l'm not even good.

I'm not really religious, but please allow me to express this religious belief- We are all children of God. God tolerates and forgives us. God does not exercise his wrath on us- He is too mighty, we are too small, we could not handle it. If we strive to be like God, we extend forgiveness to our children. We protect them from our wrath. And since we are only human, we falter.

Having this idea in my mind helps me a lot.

[foreverinbluejeans]

I think we should be tough on ourselves. We should expect a lot from ourselves. Expecting a lot is how we get better, how we grow.

Some days we do better than others. We can reflect on and learn from the times we wish we would have done better. We can plan how we might handle the same or a similar situation better next time. Usually in parenting there will be a next time.

Getting angry at yourself doesn't do anyone any good. The priority isn't to forgive yourself, the priority is to make a plan so it doesn't happen again. Gentle mothering is a learned skill set.

[krystyn33]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans

I think we should be tough on ourselves. We should expect a lot from ourselves. Expecting a lot is how we get better, how we grow.

I agree with this, and I don't see it as mutually exclusive from being kind to oneself also. Everyday I make great effort to do the best by my child. My standards are high and I practice mindful awareness of my feelings and actions. But being harshly self-critical or perfectionistic is a line I won't cross--I don't see how that helps DS or myself or anything period. We do our best, surely, but the circumstances aren't always ideal. When I snap at DS or lose my temper in front of him I catch myself, take deep breaths, apologize and comfort him as needed, but I can't beat myself up over it. In that moment I was doing the best I was able--most likely the 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep the night before was a major contributing factor. I assume DS is always trying his best even when he behaves poorly. We are none of us perfect and the pressure to be so is crazy-making & not unconditional love--which is what I strive for.