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Bisexual while married... - Page 3

post #41 of 66
Thread Starter 
Polyfidelitous sounds good.
post #42 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama.Pajama View Post
Uzra, your perspective is incredibly interesting. The dynamic of the circumstances of your bisexuality while married to a man is different from my own, and I've gleaned a broader understanding of this by hearing from you.

I agree that poly has been equated with being a married bisexual in this thread, and not rightly so, because several women who posted weren't "out" to their husbands- it's a secret, because it has to be.
This is probably juvenile, but your secret relationships with these women sounds so... adventurous.
For you, is it difficult maintaining that secrecy?
Sorry for the delay in replying as I had a miscarriage. Am okay now.
Keeping a secret is always somewhat difficult, but it is manageable for the present. I have not to roam about with my lesbian friends; our meetings are at each others' places - usually the latter. Right from entering the house we switch over to the lesbian selves. Complete sex may or may not follow. But the two of us who are married avoid talking about our husbands while being with the unmarried ones although they don't mind an occasional reference. We also don't take children along to such meetings. As I had said in my earlier post, for the present it is working; future is uncertain for everyone.
post #43 of 66
Except that I wouldn't go with this version of polyfidelitous: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyfidelity

because dh is one sex monogamous. Perhaps I would be poly, but he has expressed he is not interested in adding a regular full time partner. However, he is fine with me being with other women. I dunno what label that takes. In all honesty, I'd rather just drop any label.
post #44 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama.Pajama View Post
I agree that poly has been equated with being a married bisexual in this thread, and not rightly so, because several women who posted weren't "out" to their husbands- it's a secret, because it has to be.
While being poly doesn't require one to be married and bisexual, a polyamorous relationship requires that everyone involved be aware of the outside relationship and consent to it. Exception being if one partner says something like "I don't mind if you sleep with other people but I don't want to know any details whatsoever", which is still consent of a sort.

Keeping another relationship a secret, especially if you know your partner wouldn't approve, isn't poly, it's cheating. This isn't meant as a judgment against anyone here - you do what you have to in your particular situation. Just please don't conflate the two together. People have enough trouble distinguishing between them already.
post #45 of 66
Thread Starter 
I understand what you mean ocelotmom. So would you say poly is a relationship status more than a personal identification?
post #46 of 66
I do think that it can refer to personal orientation, but I'd probably say non-monogamous instead of polyamorous unless honesty and openness was an integral part of the personal orientation.
post #47 of 66
I just posted on your other thread (about "romancing divorce") and just wanted to mention that the happy, long-term marriage DH and I have has also involved openness about each other's "outside" desires and some periods of poly-ness in our relationship. We don't define ourselves by any labels but I will say that, for both of us, our dyad and our children take the top priority. Other people that get involved with us have to respect that. At this point in time we both find it simpler and better to actually live the "standard" monogamous lifestyle, but we haven't always done so and we may not always in the future.

A good thing to keep in mind is the idea of "sequencing." You've mentioned wanting to live life to the fullest; that's a good goal, but you'll probably find you just can't do everything at once. Right now you have a young child and you both need to finish your educations and start earning some money. There's only so much you can handle at the moment. Some of the other desires can be "sequenced" in later once these issues start being phased out. Hopefully you'll have a long life to explore, experience, and grow -- it doesn't all have to happen now.

One more tip: Be aware that your tendency to have emotional relationships with lovers will make this all pretty complicated and difficult if you do pursue this actively. I also tend to become emotionally involved and it's a hard path to navigate without hurting people, no matter how good your intentions are. Good communication is crucial, as well as brutal honesty with yourself (and partners).
post #48 of 66
I wanted to resurrect this thread... back when I first signed up, I think there was a monthly bisexual/married thread that was pretty cool, and the poly thread is too long
post #49 of 66
Just start on the second last page on the poly thread... that's recent enough.
post #50 of 66
The pressure! Ack!
post #51 of 66
Glad you found your way over!!
post #52 of 66

Sorry if I am crashing

I am new here and wonder if there is a group of bi moms here anywhere. I haven't really done this board before so I don't know how to find groups yet. Thanks for any info!
Lisa
(joyfulbimama)
post #53 of 66
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post #54 of 66

so conflicted

I identified as bi most of my life but I married a man...now i feel I'm pretty sure I'm queer and have no interest in him as anything other then a freind and partner raising the children...but if I come out I'll probably totally disrupt our lives and hurt people not to mention fiancially I'd be doomed...
I also have few to no friends or social life so would I ever meet any women anyway....maybe I should just stick to things as they are until our children are somewhat grown and we are more finacial stable. What if I'm just glamorising what I don't have...maybe I'm just unhappy in general.
Some days I think I should just admitt I'm queer to my DH and to myself and see what happens but I always find an excuse not to do it.
post #55 of 66
I'm threadcrashing to express my sympathy for Super8~ I can't imagine how conflicting it must feel to know you'll be disrupting the lives of others, but I do want to urge you to value your own needs and desires as much as you value those of others. If the price of family life is your happiness and fulfillment forever, that's a LOT to pay.

I've also read this thread with interest~ I'm a gold-star lesbian who's usually less-than-convinced by bisexuality, especially since, in 100% of my experience, women who tell me they're bi then tell me they're married to men. I promise I'm not here to be a troll or pick a fight, I just am hoping that those of you who are bi and married and are looking for a threesome will go to other bi, married women for those. It's really hurtful and insulting to lesbians to use them to experiment for yourself and entertain your husband.
post #56 of 66
LibraryLady, while I applaud your advice to Super8.

I have to say as an bi married gal, that does not in any way = looking for a threesome. And I say this especially as I have the freedom to build relationships outside our marriage (neither of us took the vow to foresake others), both male & female. I was lucky in that I knew who I was from day one of my relationship with DP.

I am sorry your experience has been negative, but please try to refrain from blanket statements.
post #57 of 66
super8, I've found that honesty is practically always the best policy. Even if it results in some anger and confusion at first, the end result is feeling better about yourself as a person. Also, it may be possible that your husband feels the same way! A lot of the time, we queers tend to marry/hook up with other queers even when we think we're both straight. lol

I'll have to second that, Indigo.

First of all, LibraryLady, everyone has to start somewhere. Some of us don't mind having a little swns with a married womyn; particularly if she's being honest with her DH! I wouldn't mind if emotions became involved either though. Secondly, I know plenty of bisexual/polysexual wymyn who are not married to men. I, for example, identify as queer/bi, and am in a polyamorous relationship with a womyn. I've also been in loving, monogamous relationships with men and wymyn (and never cheated once!). Thirdly, I've had such a hard time in the lesbian community with people being disrespectful to me about being bisexual, I found it a little difficult to control my temper with such blatant bigotry. Please consider others before saying things like that!
post #58 of 66
As I said before, I don't mean to offend. My 'blanket statement' referred only to the women of my actual experience. I do admit it's colored my view of what bisexuality is or at least seems, but I'm not speaking of anyone whom I've not actually met.
post #59 of 66

Thanks

Thanks, I know honesty is the best way to go ...it's just scary to admit something that may change our lives...
post #60 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraryLady View Post
I've also read this thread with interest~ I'm a gold-star lesbian who's usually less-than-convinced by bisexuality, especially since, in 100% of my experience, women who tell me they're bi then tell me they're married to men. I promise I'm not here to be a troll or pick a fight, I just am hoping that those of you who are bi and married and are looking for a threesome will go to other bi, married women for those. It's really hurtful and insulting to lesbians to use them to experiment for yourself and entertain your husband.
Are you aware that, even though you're speaking from personal experience, you're expressing stereotypes of bisexuals that are very commonly held within the GLBT community in general? And, like any stereotype, it's hurtful. Bisexual people can have a very hard time finding acceptance within either the GLBT or heterosexual community, largely because of stereotypes such as this.

Like most stereotypes, I'm sure there is some basis in fact. I'm not denying people like this do exist. But it's hurtful and dismissive of those of us who are trying to be responsible and aware of the emotions and needs of others.

I've been attracted to females continuously since I was 10 (and males since 11). I married and had kids young, before sowing my wild oats much with either males or females, and at a point where I hadn't really come to terms with my sexuality yet. I think lesbians in some ways have it easier in this respect - you come to terms early with your sexuality or experience no (or unsatisfying heterosexual) relationships. Bisexual people can ignore or misunderstand same-sex attraction for a lot longer. And bisexual people find it easier to have unintended pregnancies that may change their plans

If I were unmarried and "experimenting" now, would be it be any less insulting? I'd think it could potentially be moreso, as I could realistically pass myself off as a lesbian with an interest in a long-term committed same-sex relationship in order to get the experience I wanted, and then go on and marry a guy when I was ready to settle down. Any "experimentation" (what defines "experimentation" vs. "relationship with someone with whom I experience mutual attraction, which may or may not work out in the long run, just as in any relationship"?) I do now is going to, by necessity and personal preference, be honest and above-board.

For what it's worth...

If I end up in a relationship with someone else, I would much prefer it to be someone else in a committed relationship (whether heterosexual or otherwise) with a similar level of outside support and responsibility. I don't want a secondary relationship with someone (regardless of gender/orientation) who is going to want me to fulfill a primary role. Ideally, I'd prefer that person to be bi, as I tend to relate better to others who are bisexual. But I'm not going to discriminate against a lesbian on the sole basis of their sexuality.

I have no desire to "entertain" DH. Chances are he would not be involved in any outside relationship in any form beyond knowing it existed and facilitating it by taking charge of the kids sometimes. He has had girlfriends during the course of our relationship who were bi, and I have not been involved in any way beyond friendship with any of them.

Anyways... I see my responsibility in a prospective relationship about being up-front about my marriage status, my kids, the fact that we're poly, everyone is fully aware, and we have no intention of breaking up, and any other responsibilities/entanglements in my life. If a lesbian (or anyone else) chooses to become involved with me knowing all this... isn't that her responsibility? Isn't she a grown-up who can make her own choices in this matter?

(Sorry about the rant, but couldn't resist on bi awareness/visibility/whatever day and all )
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