Help me restore peace at the dinner table

[goylesgirl]

Hi, family dinners have always been important to me as a way to connect with everyone, but lately they have seemed more trouble than there worth. Instead of family closeness, I am getting crying, stress, yelling...

There are 6 of us in the family, me, dp, ds-13, dd-5, dd-3, and ds-6mo. I think the majority of our stress is coming from the girls. To begin, the agreeable one is not very agreeable about food. She is very picky and is always asking for something else, which I can accommodate to a certain degree, but not to the degree she would like. The high needs one is a great eater, but she is high needs. We are also dealing with a what has been a very long phase of dropping naps. So by dinner, they are often exhausted, or they have just woken from nap cranky-meaning screaming, clingy, and irrational.

Dinner is a constant struggle and I feel we are just rushing to have it over with. How can I have the family dinners I want? I thought about having a meeting to go over expected behavior, but I don't know what would be the consequences if this behavior isn't met. Is it ok to ask them to leave the room? I know they won't do this willingly. Should I just stop trying to have family meals for a while? I would love some suggestions.

[j924]

We have six at our table too and it seems like we hit ruts where I'd do anything to skip dinner.One thing that has helped us during ruts is to jazz things up a bit. Picnics in the living room and iron chef competitions have been winners. Obviously these can't happen everyday but the suprise factor is always there after. Also is it nice where you are? could you eat outisde? Just something to shake it up a bit. Also if the girls are tired what about an earlier dinner? Good luck. These dinners are worth it.

[Alyantavid]

Family dinners are big for me too. But I only have 2.

The kids help with the meal planning, we do ocassional dinners in the living room while watching a movie. We've always had the same dinner time rules (no toys at the table, no fork-sword fighting, etc) but in your case, I would totally have a meeting and set the rules. Come up with a few alternatives to whatever dinner you've made, if you're comfortable with that. I have no problem sending kids away from the table if they're not behaving (screaming, throwing food, etc). They're more than welcome to come back and eat when they feel they're able to. And for the ones dropping naps, I'd probably feed them earlier and let them out of the family dinner for the time being. That might be a little too much for an overtired child to deal with.

[mom2grrls]

How about letting all members get some input on what makes up dinners and helping prepare? Can you move dinner up or back a little bit to a more "uncranky" time?

[tanyam926]

If I make something my kids don't like they only have 2 choices for an alternative (cheese and crackers or sandwich). I don't mind if they want something else but I don't want to cook 3 different dinners.

We try to have dinner early and then have a snack before bed.

We play games at the table like guess the family member (our fave-we give hints and everyone has to guess who in our family it is), i spy, or we tell stories. The kids also like to go around and tell about their days.

Hope you find something that works to bring the peace.

[foreverinbluejeans]

I would not allow any problems at the table. I have ulcers and my stomach gets upset easily. Having 3 boys they were not all going to like all of everything I made. If they didn't like it they didn't have to eat. I let them put what they wanted on their plates.

They are adults now and what they remember most is the last one done had to clean up the table. They could eat other things if there were other things to eat, if they could find/make them, they cleaned up, and it didn't cause a lot of bother. When they were young we usually ate four meals and a couple of snacks a day so they didn't have to go long if they didn't like something.

As a child I was forced to eat things I didn't like. I was picked on at the table, I was never good enough. My parents didn't let up even when I was diagnosed with ulcers when I was around 10.

[skreader]

Originally Posted by goylesgirl

Hi, family dinners have always been important to me as a way to connect with everyone, but lately they have seemed more trouble than there worth. Instead of family closeness, I am getting crying, stress, yelling...

There are 6 of us in the family, me, dp, ds-13, dd-5, dd-3, and ds-6mo. ... We are also dealing with a what has been a very long phase of dropping naps. So by dinner, they are often exhausted, or they have just woken from nap cranky-meaning screaming, clingy, and irrational.

Should I just stop trying to have family meals for a while? I would love some suggestions.

My suggestions are to modify things a bit, for a while. Try two seatings.

Feed the baby & the 3-year-old earlier. Start the 5 year-old w/ them as well & explain that if she shows very nice manners, she can "graduate" to eating later w/ you.

The younger ones can either SIT with you and your DP and 13-year-old while you eat, or they can play quietly away from the table.

Or, if you all don't mind a late evening meal, eat after you've put the 3-year-old & 5-year-old to bed (say after 7:30pm)?

[spruce]

skreader has some great ideas.

We went through times (around 2 or 3 usually) when one child just couldn't sit through a meal, but was hungry. We called it, "Fly by eating." It was a developmental phase, and I tried to accomodate with healthy food choices both before and after their antsy eating during dinner.

Because my DP works a 24on/48off shift, when he is home lunch is our big meal. This is MUCH more doable than dinner, as they are famished in the middle of the day, but not completely exhausted or whiny or spinning with nighttime insanity.

For a while we let the two boys share a table (our kids are DSD 17, DD 16, DD13, DS 8, DS 5, DD3) rather than make them sit with us. For a while their table was a milk crate. It sure made life a little easier, although as I said, lunches together were never an issue.

Could you make lunch on the weekends a big family meal, and teach them from there? So that there isn't so much daily strife about a single meal, and they still get to begin learning good table manners and begin wanting to feel included in such a grown-up ritual?

Good luck! I always wondered why we didn't have the "Norman Rockwell" type family dinners, and then I figured out that Norman was painting an ideal, and we are from from perfect!

love, penelope

[wendyland]

We don't do family meals together much. It wasn't something I did growing up, so I don't really feel that it's important for us to all sit down together. I imagine that we will more often when the kids are older. My oldest is also picky and vegetarian, so we often have several different options and sometimes have "fend for yourself" nights. It's a pain, but I have yet to figure out something better.

I think I also see it differently because I have food issues. I don't want our social gatherings to revolve around food. I want meals to be something that fuels our bodies, but we don't have to connect over food. So, we do family activities before and after meals, but not as much during meals.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Is the problem picky eating, not wanting to sit, or something else? There might be different solutions depending on what the actual problem is.

Family dinner is important to us too, but I'm also a big proponent of "pragmatic parenting" -- AKA doing what works to get as close as possible to my goals. Our kids are required to come to the dinner table and sit long enough to say grace. If they aren't hungry, they don't have to eat. And once they are done they are excused. I'd rather have a pleasent 15 minute family dinner than an unpleasent 30 min. one, YK? Dinners are getting longer now that they are a bit older.

For picky, my approach has been to make a meal that everyone is served and that has a reasonable chance of being liked by all. If the kids don't like something, they are free to get an alternative. But I'm not cooking anything else and I'm not getting up. With strategic pantry/fridge stocking, they have been able to get their own snacks/ alternatives by the time they were out of highchairs (about 2). By 3 they could come close to making a PB&J if they so desired. I get to eat a hot meal, they get control over their bodies and I respect their wants/likes/dislikes. So far this has worked really well for us (kids are now 6 & 9). They have pretty open palates (I think because we never forced things) AND they have basic kitchen skills.

We still struggle with dinner timing a bit. DD is clearly most hungry about 5:30 or so. Unfortunately, its not possible to eat dinner until 6:30 or so because of work schedules. So she tends to snack until close to dinner, and eat less dinner. I've decided that as long as snacks are things that I might put on the dinner table anyway, this is an OK compromise. I'd rather she ate more "dinner" but it doesn't work for her, so she has more "snack" and less dinner, but dinner is a happier occasion. I had to realize that pleasent family dinner time was more important to me than when she ate most of her evening calories.

[sunnmama]

Overtired is a separate problem. If my 2 yo is overtired, or has just woken and is cranky from a nap, I don't try to get him to the table. It doesn't happen often, though. If it did, I'd try to adjust something so that he could be less tired when we eat.

For picky--esp with that many eaters--I'd just have a rule that we don't discuss the food, period. Seriously. I'd make sure that there was a food on the table that each person liked, and invite them to eat or not. They can make something else after dinner if they are still hungry. When dd went through a dinner-struggle stage at 3, I put cut cheese and fruit on the table *every day* as if it were a planned part of our meal. She'd start with that, and usually move on to the actual meal.

How about a daily ritual around the table? For instance, each person could say their best and worst part of the day so far, or what they are thankful for that day.

Is it possible they are over-hungry? Maybe try serving a high-protein snack an hour or so before dinner.

[babsbob]

Hey,
I don't have anything to add really to these great suggestions. I just wanted to let you know - if you allow your DC to watch videos - that there is a great video called "Miss Shirley's Finishing School" that is perfect for girls that age. I have it on DVD but I have an extra one on VHS is you have a VCR I would be happy to send it to you. Miss Shirley teaches table manners and how to set a table including folding napkins as well as etiquette for other situations. My DD loves it and has her own little apron and helps me with with meals and setting the table.

You can read about it at: http://www.kids-express.com/

If you're interested - just PM me.