Tantrums, Whininess & "NO!"

[Ganesh78]

Those three are a recurring nightmare for me lately. My -almost 2yo- DS can pull off all at the same time repeatedly throughout the day and I am at a loss. As I am sure everyone experiences on a daily basis as well. I am just still at a loss on how to deal with it. I feel myself getting so angry and I am frustrated and exhausted with him. DH has been away for the last week for work and we are unsure when he will be returning. 24/7 is a lot and we have a 6 month old as well. I have read Unconditional Parenting and while it all makes sense to me and seems logical I am having a hard time seeing how any of what he has spoken of can help in day to day life. When my son is screaming in my face that he wants cookies for breakfast and completely loses his mind when I tell him absolutely not, proceeds to hit the floor in a full out tantrum and gets this look of sheer anger cross his face. I don't know how to help him get past this. It is constant. I try holding him and explaining things but he only grows more mad that he can't have his way. Right now he is going nuts in bed thrashing about because he wants to get up from his nap although he's only been down for 1 hour if that. If he doesn't get his sleep he will be worse off. He's kicking the crib and screaming his head off. He's constantly doing this just when the baby has gone to sleep only to set the baby off screaming too. This baby is so sleep deprived because his brother will not allow him any rest. It's mostly the tantrums that are getting to me because they are just so ferocious! Any advice? Any recommendations for books...A couple of times now I have just ended up yelling at him so loud to STOP and I feel terrible about it. I have never been so unsure of what I am doing, how I am coping as I am right at this very moment....:-(

[bendingbirch]

First of all, hugs, hugs and hugs. It is so difficult to parent an almost 2 year old and a 6 month old! Be easy with yourself.
I guess when my children are in these tough spots, I really go back and try to look at the basics - food allergies/food/amount of sugar in food because sometimes when we are busy or alone with small children preparing healthful meals can really suffer; sleep disturbances - do we need to all be together in one bed, do we need separate beds, do we need to go to bed earlier, are we getting up at the same time every day to set a rhythm for naptimes and therefore bedtimes, outside time because that is so important and does it really involve pushing, pulling, tugging lugging to really wear little bodies out?; are my older children getting any "alone" time with me (or at least time when the baby is asleep in the sling so they can pretend the baby is not there for a bit, LOL); are we doing anything small but fun and creative for the day at all?

Most of all, if you have been solo, is there any way you can get a break for even an hour? Is there a girl in your neighborhood who could come over and entertain your almost 2 year old while you sleep for an hour? A relative? A friend?

And then to me, once you have those things under control, perhaps then you will feel good about setting those limits lovingly and when he is upset, using no words, being nearby in a peaceful way as he needs you, being able to physically move him outside for distraction if possible (I know, so hard with a six month old), if he is a bit calm can you start to tell a story to the dog? (with mine, as they were winding down a story seemed to really help them come back into their bodies but if you looked at them directly it just ramped them up again so telling stories to the dog in the area seemed to work well, LOL)....

Rhythms and warmth are just so important, those gentle hands and voice that you have to really help them come back into their bodies when they are just not there...It is so hard, and you have to be so centered to be able to offer that, so I hope you can get everyone to bed tonight and you all can rest!

Hugs,

[mom2grrls]

I agree with the above and will add try to take absolutely not or no out of your responses. Try "cookies aren't for breakfast, you can have x or x". He may still react but he may be happier with a choice

[Shakti77]

ok, this might not be what you are looking for... but what about making some breakfast cookies - very less sugar, looks round like cookies but is very healthy. - just to save your sanity till you figure out what you can do or get help handling two small kids.

[bumblecat]

Originally Posted by bendingbirch

if he is a bit calm can you start to tell a story to the dog? (with mine, as they were winding down a story seemed to really help them come back into their bodies but if you looked at them directly it just ramped them up again so telling stories to the dog in the area seemed to work well, LOL)....

You had some great stuff to say - telling a story to the dog cracks me up! i'm sure it works sometimes though. it's so funny the way we have to frame things for kids sometimes. I used to do something similar for a girl i nannied for. we would check out books with tapes of them being read and i would put those on for her when she needed something to help her calm down but didn't want me talking to her.

Originally Posted by Shakti77

ok, this might not be what you are looking for... but what about making some breakfast cookies - very less sugar, looks round like cookies but is very healthy.

You may have something there. I think for a 2 year old this is something I would do.

To the OP: I don't have any more advice to add right now, but I feel for you and I hope you find some successful tactics. If I remember anything that worked for me when I was with a LO that age a few years ago, I'll post it.

[bumblecat]

after re-reading your post, one thing that stood out is that I realize that it is disappointing when he doesn't sleep for his "full nap length" and probably makes the later part of the day more difficult, but if he wakes up and is not allowed to get up and starts getting upset, then if you still do not let him get up, will he actually fall back asleep again? I take care of a 2.5 yr old boy through the week (don't have my own yet - expecting my first) and he takes a 3 hour nap most days but if he wakes up after an hour, then he just does. I can't imagine trying to force him to stay down and go back to sleep. It's unfortunate when it happens that way, but we just try to take it easy the rest of the day and I let his mom know so she can try to get him to bed a little early that night. That being said, he doesn't have that many tantrums in general so it isn't as big of a deal as it might be for you.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

First, big hugs because this is tough stuff and not getting enough sleep does not help.

I don't know how to help him get past this. It is constant. I try holding him and explaining things but he only grows more mad that he can't have his way.

With my little one, holding him and explaining did not work. I only found this out when I walked away from him once because I was afraid of my temper. He needed to scream, kick the floor and cry. And then he needed to know that mama was there to snuggle and talk about feelings that can be scary.

Again, it's very individualized but with my S, I found empathy helped. Something like, "It is a bummer that we can't eat cookies for breakfast. I sometimes wish I could too. Let's see, shall we have X or Y now?" At first, more often than it ended with him having a tantrum but slowly (oh so slowly), he was able to use his words and the tantrums disappeared. He really loved words like "unfair", "angry", "mad" and "disgusted." He really needed those special, strong words for his strong feelings.

As for the sleep, I too would allow him to get up. And I would try to get some sleep for myself and my babe. Any chance of calling in some help?

Lastly, whining was my red button. I cannot stand it. So, and some here will surely disagree with me, I pretended I could not understand him when he whined. As in, "Oh gosh, I really want to help you but I can't understand you. Can you try it in your regular voice?" It not only worked with him but with several children I've nannied for. Perhaps it would work with your little one as well?

[MichelleAnnette]

My ds is your ds's age and I can tell you what I do in those sort of situations. I do not have a baby to contend with as well so things are a little easier for me, although I will have one in about 3 months! Toddlers (and everyone else) like to be in control of themselves so I let ds control his environment as much as possible. This minimizes struggles. It doesn't mean we never have them, but he's not throwing fits all day or anything. With naps, I would never force him to sleep if he did not want to. He has woken up early before and been grumpy later because of it, but really, I cannot force him to sleep. He's just going to be grumpy that evening. He tells me "Mommy milk sleep" when he is ready for a nap and calls for me when he is finished and that's that. With food, I generally do not keep things in the house that he can't have anytime, and if I do, I don't let him know about it! He would not think to ask for cookies for breakfast. My dh and I eat the same things for breakfast every day (him - waffles, me - oatmeal), and ds eats some of both. Sometimes he sees the bananas on the counter and asks for a banana with peanut butter. I let him have it. He often eats 3 bites and is done when the other food is ready but it's not worth the struggle to tell him he cannot have a banana. He does this with bananas throughout the day. If it really bothered me, I would stop buying bananas or put them out of his sight.

He makes "no" into a game by smiling, saying "no," and running away when I ask him if he wants to do something - get in the car, go to the pool, take a bath, etc. I just let him do it and soon enough, we are doing whatever it is I wanted to do.

When he throws himself on the floor crying because, say, I have to bring him in the house from playing outside so I can go pee (pregnant!), I leave him there while I attend to my task and then sit there with him. He doesn't cry for long before he's ready to be comforted by nursing and go play again. I always explain things to him when he is calm. We try to avoid tantrum causing situations, but they are not all avoidable and that's okay. I understand that he can only handle so much and I try not to overwhelm him with a situation that he is not mature enough to handle, like, say, sitting in the car for 2 hours without stopping.

I find Scott Noelle's "Daily Groove" (free e-mail - something quick to read about parenting) especially helpful in cultivating harmony in our house. It helps me keep a good attitude and is something I get every day. I also love Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Both of these authors write more about overall attitude and world perspective than specific techniques to handle specific situations but they resonate really well with me. You might like Adventures in Gentle Discipline. It is more "hands on." I have also read Unconditional Parenting and like it but it is more about general attitude.

When I am frustrated with my ds, I try to remember that what goes on in my head is about ME and I can control my reactions and thoughts. He is his own person and is learning about the world and how to be in control of himself. I do not have to be upset with him. I can be there to empathize but I do not have to take on his upset as my own.

Good luck in finding peace in your house! It's not always easy!

[Ganesh78]

Thank you for all of the useful advice. Very appreciated. Thank you especially for Bending Birch and Michelle Annette...some very specific tactics to help me deal with the situation I am in . I have sought out some outside help to assist me on somewhat of a casual basis. I will have to see how that goes. I do have family around but everyone works full time and is quite busy with their own lives. I think Nana is even having a hard time dealing with DS and doesn't seem as keen to come by as she used to. It's a tough time. He is a sweet, gentle boy but this other side comes out and I really try to remind myself what a difficult time this is for him as far as seeking independence and trying to communicate but honestly...it's very difficult and it grates on me ESPECIALLY the whininess and yelling (and this boy can scream as so many people have also kindly pointed out to me).. I am working on effective ways to deal with it though and trying to refrain from letting my own emotions get carried away in the moment. I was raised in a family were spanking was normal (not excessive but it was still there) and yelling by my father so I know that this is not the type of family environment I want my kids to grow up in. I already try to eliminate my "no's" but even redirecting or distraction most often does not work with my son. When he has mind made up, there's no changing it! All I can do is work on myself and my reactions. I will check out those sites and books recommended. Thank you for taking the time to respond!