DD behaving badly after visitation with non-GDing father

[jazzybaby9]

The title sums it up... DD is clingy and more prone to throwing tantrums over little things after staying with her dad... What's going on?!

[junipermuse]

I don't think this is really a discipline issue. Young children have trouble transitioning from one home to another. You are likely her rock and her safe place. She probably felt like she had to be "good" while she was with Daddy and now that she feels safe at home with you again she is releasing her scared, sad emotions that she held in when she was with her father. I know that this was the case for me when i was a child. My parents were divorced in the first year of my life. My mom said that my transition home after visiting my dad was always difficult. She would always ask me if something bad had happened, but nothing had. I just had used up all my energy being on my best behavior and then when I got home where I felt safe, all those emotions came spilling out. I would just hold her, or stay close to her when she is tantruming and crying. Reassure her that she is safe, that you love her, and that it is all right to cry. In a few days she'll probably be back to her normal self.

Also it may have little to do with how GD her dad is. She's probably expressing her sadness at being away from you. I recently left my dd (2y4m) at home with her daddy (we're married, so he's with her everyday) for 3 days and 2 nights while I attended a LLL conference out of town. She was great for him, but when I came home there were several days of crying and tantrums. It wasn't that she wasn't treated well by her Daddy, but when I came home she had to release her sad feelings, her feelings of loss at my being away.

[Mama.Pajama]

I second what Junipermuse said.

[jazzybaby9]

So you don't think it could be a reaction to the 10 minute time outs or constant yelling and control her dad uses as punishment?

[sweetkid]

It probably is a reaction to the different parenting style. But what can you do? aside from filling her to the brim with your unconditional love and affection when you have her? Would your dd's Dad even consider GD? Has he read any good GD bboks? The Discipline Book by Dr,Sears is pretty basic and not too over the top, would he go for that?

[meemee]

Originally Posted by jazzybaby9

So you don't think it could be a reaction to the 10 minute time outs or constant yelling and control her dad uses as punishment?

yes and no. if he turned into the best GD daddy ever would her behaviour stop? no!!! it really isnt about GD. its more about her transitioning between two parenting styles. if you check into teh single mama's forum once in a while this subject comes up and almost all the kids go thru this.

if he GD'ed would it help. of course. but it would not stop the issues. i used to yell much more than my ex did. that's what my dd accused me of. which was maybe once in two weeks. he didnt even do that.

my ex GDs. however he is also a control guy who thinks children should behave in a certain manner. i parent dd the way she asks me and guides me to parent her.

when she goes thru a hard time - yup strong feelings, i hate yous, hitting scratching all comes out on me. i accept them as a compliment.

bottom line my dd told me - you get me mommy. daddy doesnt.

and yet in a way i think no matter how hard it is, its a great training for my dd. learning how to handle two different styles of parenting when at least one parent is giving her all she needs. so she is getting emotional support as well as figuring out how to survive with teh other parent.

my dd loves her daddy to pieces. he has shortcomings. but i try to make sure its not my bias showing thru. i am sure he is not happy about the way i am parenting dd.

so yes i agree 100% with junipermuse.

i mean dont you think when they are going thru so much. a lot of it just growing up that they have a place where they can explode adn be who they are.

what a compliment to you mama that your dd feels so safe with you that she is wlling to show you her worst which she knows will be accepted with love.

if your ex has control issues, you saying anything will make it worse and your poor dd will suffer. i would just let it go - if you think your ex will see your words as criticism.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Your little girl isn't even 2 yet by my calculations. There are some things you can control and some things you can't. You could try talking to her father about parenting. If that doesn't work you could try counseling or mediation.

You are a doula and student midwife. I understand your desire for these callings and you want to be able to support your daughter. However, being a doula takes you away from your daughter for extended periods of time including overnight. If you are attending home births this may also take time away. Then she is away from you when she is with her father.

Your daughter's behavior could be a reaction from away from you. Is now the right time for her for you to be a doula? She is only a toddler once. Could you put your plans on hold? What about nursing school? Nursing school is hard but you have control over your hours and you don't have to be gone at night.

You can always get a good paying job with a 2 year RN degree - $40+ an hour. Some schools you can earn your LPN after a year and work part time while you finish your RN. Practically it would be hard to be a midwife and a single mother.

If you have to go to court for custody the father could use your being away at births to get full or shared custody. Even if he doesn't want custody he could do this to be mean or to avoid child support. You could even be ordered to pay child support.

It's normal for kids to have behavior issues when they get home from dads even if the dad isn't that bad. My kids would eat and drink sugar and have lots to talk about. I would be prepared to pay 100% attention to them and just listen a lot. There was no way I was going to get their father to change the way they ate. They were bouncy and had trouble going to sleep. That was just the new normal.