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Is this common? - Page 4

post #61 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post
You know what else is common?

Mothers judging other mothers.
Yeah. I feel like this thread is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Obviously the OP already knows it's common enough, since so many of her co-irkers are doing it. This smells like a big old pile of judgement. Sorry, but that's how it reads to me.
post #62 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by PPK View Post


It seems like MDC supports the 'village' community to raise a child, yet there's always a condescending attitude towards the mamas that utilize outside help.
You know, I don't think MDC as a whole does this, but I believe I've seen it here and there. It saddens me because I know growing up (and even now, still) my extended family was priceless to me. I'd hate to deny my children the same experiences. I understand some folks don't have anyone reliable around them to have this "village" but I see nothing wrong with people who do have a village taking advantage of it. In fact, I wish I could grant anyone who wanted it a village of trustworthy adults to spend time lovingly with their kids. I'm happy to know that my kids are well loved by many and that plenty of people think nothing of spending a few hours together with the kids.

Some of us (like myself) just aren't the best day-to-day momma material. I love my DD, I love my DSC, but you know what? If I had to be with them 24/7 we would have a horrible horrible relationship. I'm not the best very-involved, day-to-day mom type. I do far better as a WOHM than I ever would being a SAHM. Nothing wrong with a person knowing their own weaknesses and doing their best to work within those parameters. That way it benefits both kid(s) and the parent(s).
post #63 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post
Why do you need to *get* the way someone else's family works?

You don't know what these mothers and fathers do inside their houses or with their families. You don't know their children. You don't know the way their family works. And it's absolutely none of your business anyway.

Personally, I don't *get* nursing beyond toddlerhood, unschooling, or elimination communication.

And since I don't *get* those philosophies, I don't follow them. But I sure as heck do not care who else does.
Umm...well - because we were discussing it in a thread online? I never claimed it to be "my business" nor do I walk up to strangers and ask them how they parent to make sure that I "approve". You sound rather defensive.
post #64 of 160
I need lots of me time but I usually get it in the morning before everyone gets up . Plus my kids are at independant ages, which is good. Their grandmothers often take them, like once a week or a couple times a month, because they want to do things with them. Like MIL is taking the kids tomorrow night to see a movie.

A few times a month I have obligations in which I can't take the kids but in those cases, family watches them (usually DH is he's not busy or I arrange something with the kids grandparents). For example, I have appointments in the afternoon tomorrow I can't bring the kids along to tomorrow so FIL is watching them. They have never ever been in the care of someone who is not family.

However I bring them everywhere with me. Dentist/doctors appointments, shopping, well, basically anything! Since we unschool they learn a lot but it is amazing how many people are shocked the kids are always with me. It is not common here as far as I can tell.
post #65 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuzzmom View Post
Yeah. I feel like this thread is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Obviously the OP already knows it's common enough, since so many of her co-irkers are doing it. This smells like a big old pile of judgement. Sorry, but that's how it reads to me.
I agree. I have three children. One a "tween" doing ALL the "tween" attitude things and a little girl in the throes of "terrble two's" as well as a 4mos who nurses very frequently. You bet your butt I'm gonna take help that is offered and get some "me" time. It's so much easier and faster shopping by myself than getting 4 people ready, in and out of vehicles, wraps, buggies, stores, etc. Shopping by myself is the only time I have for "me" time and even that is rare. I refuse to feel guilty or allow myself to be judged because I'm-gasp!-human and need my batteries and my MARRIAGE to be recharged once or twice a month.
post #66 of 160
I often wonder about why some people seem to need that extra time without their child in tow. I don't think about in a put down the other mother sense- rather for me to figure out why I don't find having me time a priority. DH and I spent over a decade working towards having a child. Now that we finally have a child, there is nothing I rather do than spend time with him. He's almost four and I know the time goes by fast. We already had years and years of time to nurture our relationship and do stuff for us. Now our priority is our son and for us it works that we are with him. If we had had a baby year two or three into our marriage it may have been different. People are at different places in their lives hence the need for different lifestyles.

I sincerely hope this does not come across as judgement towards those who do things differently. We get a bit of flack for not doing stuff without our son and I don't like feeling like I need to justify our choices. I don't really care what others do- so long as no kids are hurt in the process.
post #67 of 160
Well...

When I had 3 children under 2, I didn't go much of anywhere, because I was sitting down with 2 children on my teats 24/7 for the first 6 months and a little less frequently after. Unlike the tirelessly good mothers out there, sometimes I felt...burnt out. I did not go skipping through the grocery aisles with pure joy at being surrounded with my childrens presence (either in 2 grocery carts or in a triple stroller that was a pain in the donkey to haul around), I really kind of wanted some alone time so that I could get the shopping done in 45 minutes instead of 2 hours (15 minutes for 3 diaper changes/pottying, 5 minutes loading everyone in the car, 5 minutes to take apart the freakin' triple stroller and arrange it in the trunk, 15 minutes to drive sometimes with at least 1 wailing baby the whole time, 5 minutes to set up the triple, 5 mins to transfer everyone, 15 minutes of shopping, and then the reverse to get home--this is assuming no blowouts in the car, not needing to stop to nurse at some point, ect.)

Now, I was lucky. All three of my kids are pretty easy going and laid back and have been that way from birth.

When I was a nanny, and when I had one easygoing kid, oh boy did I look down upon people who dared to offend my sensibilities by implying that someone might want to do something by themselves even though they COULD take their child/ren with them. You see how stubborn I am and how the universe chose to enlighten me on this subject.

There are lots of things I don't get in this world. There are lots of things I'm not going to get in this world. I frankly don't expect anyone who doesn't get why someone might actually feel they need some kid-free space to ever get it. I know I certainly don't get why people can't get that some people are different from them and you're not going to get what other people get all the time anyway, it just seems natural to me. But oh well.

If you want to have your kids everywhere, that's lovely. If other people don't, then ya know, just leave them alone. Maybe your kids will someday tell you, "Jeez, mom, did you HAVE to DRAG us EVERYWHERE all the time?!?" And maybe mine will say, "You ripped me off, because you didn't take me to your dental/gynecological appointments/the bank/the grocery store all the time/to wait in line at the post office." Or maybe all of our kids will be just fine. Or it might depend on their mood that day.

You're always going to be able to look at someone else and see how they're screwing up, and how they're selfish. Guess what. There's other people who think they see how YOU are screwing up and selfish.

Who cares if it's common or not. That has no relevance to what YOU or anyone else does. Just enjoy your family. If you need to have them all close by all the time, or you need some quiet time to yourself to make that happen, so be it.
post #68 of 160
Yeah i kinda got that vibe from this thread here too. I just wanted to add that you dont know the full story. i know a few examples of these.

One was when i was working in childcare, we had a 6 week earliest that children could start, but one mum arranged for her baby to start at 2 weeks by special arangement. Do you feel your judgment rising? your outrage? Well this mother had to do so, she had fallen pregnant and she and her husband had decided she would be a sahm, he was a very well paid business man so no probs right? so she went on maternity leave early as the pregnancy was hard, then she had a miscarrage. And then fell pregnant again before she went to work, again it was hard so she stayed on maternity leave. Well her hubby was diagnosed with cancer not long after, and had to go on some pretty heavy duty treatments, and not long after that he lost his job. So it came to 2 weeks after baby was born, her maternity leave run out, hubbie still recovering from chemo and trying to find a gob and in danger of loosing their house, she went back to work and put the child in childcare so her hubbie could recooperate and work on getting a job. 6 months later her hubbie found another job that enabled her to be a sahm, it took him awhile to find one that paid enough.

Dont judge people, you dont know the whole story, you may think you do but you dont, especially something like this.
post #69 of 160
We have friends that work full time and have their baby in daycare - but nearly every single moment outside of daycare she is with them. When they have tried to have a date night or something, they were unhappy and missed her. So they have decided until she's older, they will do things together. I can totally understand.

I had to work part time when ds was younger and my Mom watched him. Otherwise he was pretty much with me, except for a few nights when I would put him to bed, let my sis sleep with him and go out on a date with dh.

Now that ds is older, we feel just fine being away from him - and he's fine with it too. A few nights with my Mom and Dad here and there and we are looking for a babysitter to set up a regular date night every other week. Dh and I need time alone - ds is great and fun, but also Aspergers and sometimes we just need some US time.

I don't fault anyone for needing more "me" or alone time. I think that is very individual and a very real need for some people.
post #70 of 160
I've always wondered if anyone else looked at "Am I that weird?" or "Is this really common?" type threads and saw the actual statement as being, "Behold the ways in which I am both a superior mother yet utterly modest because I am not even aware of it, even though I really am!"

I guess now I know.

I don't know how "common" date nights and such are. To be honest I don't really have any desire to go out with DH and pretend we are just a couple - I really feel like our biggest thing in common now is our kids, which is kind of worrisome. I wish I had a desire to just go off and be a couple and be all excited about just each other like we did when we were dating but ... oh well. I'm kind of jealous of people who still feel that way. I can see myself saying "Can you believe they are getting a sitter for a week while they go to Hawaii? Don't they realize once you have kids, you don't get to go those things?" as if I were all superior for always being with my kids... truthfully I'd be thinking "I have no interest in getting our own room and getting it on for the sake of getting it on any more, what is wrong with me?"

Maybe that means we NEED a vacation together before it's beyond hope, LOL.

As for leaving the kids somewhere to get things done... I generally don't. I don't know many people I could really ask, for one thing... for another I don't like to burden other people! I don't even like to leave DH in charge of the babies which drives him nuts, he thinks it means I think he is not capable. But I will say grocery shopping with a 5 year old is a royal pain in the ass. The babies are easy - one rides in the cart, one rides on my back, they don't ask for much. (Though the one on my back did once try to shoplift at Trader Joe's...) But my son will run ahead, hide behind displays, beg and whine for things "It's not NICE to not let your son have a donut!!!!!" or "You never let me have caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandy" and so on... I recently discovered the Giant Eagles with "Eagles Nests" where you can leave your kid for an hour while you shop - they can color, play on the computer, play with other kids - he LOVES it. He begs to go. We have to drive further to get to those stores but if I have a big trip, we do it.

We also go to Ikea JUST so he can play in child care, LOL.

So I see no problems with leaving your kids somewhere while you get things done. I don't think doing so makes one a bad mom. I don't think the kid being with mom 100% is necc. best for the kid in all cases.
post #71 of 160
I think it's fairly common in general, but not where I live and definitely not with DH and I.

Our kids are always with us and we're almost always together as a family. We're the weirdos who are all together at every lesson, camp, activity, school function, practice, game, wedding, birthday, Scout function, vacation, etc. All 4 of us go to everything. I know it's not common but it's just the way we do things and it works for us. We love being together and we know that in 10 years, both kids will be out of the house so we're all taking advantage of it while we can.

When the kids were smaller, I'd color my own hair, cut my own hair, take them to the grocery store, mall, dentist, whatever. Now I do all of that while they're in school. Also, with them in school, I volunteer there 2-5 times/week just to be near them.

The first time they were away from DH and I for a night, was this year when DH and I went away for 2 nights (for our 10 year anniversary) and they stayed with my their grandma and grandpa.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild
Who cares if it's common or not. That has no relevance to what YOU or anyone else does. Just enjoy your family. If you need to have them all close by all the time, or you need some quiet time to yourself to make that happen, so be it.
:

Of course, to each his own.
post #72 of 160
I burned myself out badly doing the 24/7 on duty thing for years on end. I missed weddings and other "adults only" events. I couldn't spend 15 minutes browsing for a library book (reading is my great love) without somebody emptying one of the lower shelves. My husband coming home from work was no respite and there were times when he was working out of town for months.

I would not choose to parent that way again. I have no need to leave babies who are still in-arms, but once they get mobile, I have got to be able to meet my own needs (like that 15 minutes browsing for books!) without having to "pay" for it.
post #73 of 160
Believe it or not, there are some freaky children who actually enjoy spending time with people who are not their parents.

Each of my three kids spends a part of the summer with my large, extended family. They love it. They also enjoy camp and sleepovers. And yet somehow they manage to still love me too.
post #74 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by battymama View Post
Dont judge people, you dont know the whole story, you may think you do but you dont, especially something like this.
Boy, is that ever true. You NEVER know what is going on in people's lives.

I am a work-outside-the-home mom; the ONLY one of my social friends who is. The only other WOTH moms I know are the ones I work with. My non-work friends are awesome and supportive and we manage to communicate/ commiserate quite well, given the differences in our daily lives.

Since my child is in daycare all day, my husband and I really want to spend as much time as possible with our son, because our "me" time is already built into our day-to-day existence. We don't need or want more. If I were home with my son all day, I would absolutely need time away to recharge, get persepctive, etc. I have no idea whether I would put him in daycare once a week or wait until my husband got home or what, and it doesn't really matter because I'm just not in that situation.

Having said that, my DH and I are having bi-weekly date nights since DD-to-be will be born soon, and we really won't have the opportunity to be together just-us for quite a while. We miss DS's bedtime when we do this, but that's it. And anyway all we end up talking about on date nights is DS and parenting.
post #75 of 160
I am sooo confused here! I am just not seeing the horrible judgment in this thread. What I am seeing is moms trying to understand something different from what they do and really what is so wrong with that? Aren't open discussions more beneficial than assumptions? I'd much rather someone ask me why than assume. Understanding our differences is so essential to understanding each other and building that bridge. The "mommy wars" are fed by insisting we all need to just mind our own business and pick a corner and helped by reaching out.

I do see lots of defensiveness in this thread though.

I am not one of those moms who goes out a lot or even not at all. Weekly date nights are important to DH and I , I shop alone, and DH and I trade time during the week to be all by ourselves. I just really am not offended by the OPs question at all nor do I think it's so outlandish and wrong to point out that yes one can over do it.

I dunno we keep talking about to each their own and giving the benefit of the doubt and I can't help but wonder what the OP and some posters said to get accused of some of this. I just think maybe even in the case of this thread we need to follow the "you just don't really know" preaching.
post #76 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post
Believe it or not, there are some freaky children who actually enjoy spending time with people who are not their parents.

Each of my three kids spends a part of the summer with my large, extended family. They love it. They also enjoy camp and sleepovers. And yet somehow they manage to still love me too.
My three year old think today is the most awesome day. He has a field trip at school with all his friends and tonight he gets to spend time with GRANDMA! Despite the intense competition, mom and dad still remain tops. We feel blessed to have loving grandparents on both sides to dote on the kids and who the kids love spending time with while we do some self care. I never thought that that was a strange/bad thing until I came here. I still don't, I guess I just don't "get" those who think that it's not cool.
post #77 of 160
I haven't read the other replies, but it does seem to be common.

I work ft, my 3 year old goes to daycare 4 days a week for roughly 7 hours a day. My 7 year old stays home with dh 2 full days a week and goes to a sitter 3 days for around 4 hours per day for the summer.

I do go grocery shopping once a week while my 3 year old is at daycare. That may make me a bad mother, but I feel like taking both my kids with me and losing my patience and snapping at them doesn't make me a good mom either. My kids do go to their grandparents' houses probably once a month so dh and I can go shopping or go on a date. I really don't see that as all bad. Obviously some people go overboard but sometimes, there are ways to make things a tiny bit easier on yourself. And you shouldn't feel guilty about that.
post #78 of 160
Isn't it great how in some cultures, people have the option of a family network for child-care? Frequently, parents in the west do not have that option, and end up doing a lot of child-rearing themselves, there are also more single parents out there. You know what, it is a lot of intense, hard work, caring for children, especially in the early years. I have a lot of respect for parents who are doing it in the absence of a family support network. Personally, I am a bit wary about leaving babies under a year, in outside care. But, there are always exceptions such as PPD, financial/work pressures, etc.

There are those who do it more than necessary, but, there is nothing wrong about needing to keep a portion of time for yourself. There are many factors that come in to play here- the child's temperament, number of children, grandparents' health, spousal support (or lack of it). I say, look at the overall picture. And, remember that pros and cons are part of every culture.
post #79 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by alicia622 View Post
I often wonder about why some people seem to need that extra time without their child in tow.
Well, fo rme, I just need time without anybody around. Right now, ds1 (16) is the hardest one for me to deal with. He's a total extrovert, and recharges by talking to people and interacting...and when I'm the one he's interacting with, I can't get my recharging done. I need to be alone, to think, reflect, etc. in order to recharge. I can't do that with ds1 talking Marvel (we're both comic fans) at me, or with the younger ones demanding constant attention. When you need to be alone, even kids are too much company. (I can generally have a newborn/infant around all the time - it's the serious social interaction that drains me.)

Quote:
DH and I spent over a decade working towards having a child. Now that we finally have a child, there is nothing I rather do than spend time with him. He's almost four and I know the time goes by fast. We already had years and years of time to nurture our relationship and do stuff for us.
There's also the circumstantial side. It took me 10 years to have my second child. DH isn't ds1's father. When we got together, I had a 7-8 year old (7 when dh and I met, and 8 when dh moved in). We've never had time alone to nurture our relationship, except what we grab in short bits here and there, and an occasional date night. So...totally different dynamic, yk?

The upside to our situation is that ds1 is 16. So, if dh and I are out for a date or something, dd and ds2 are usually with somebody they already live with.
post #80 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
I am sooo confused here! I am just not seeing the horrible judgment in this thread. What I am seeing is moms trying to understand something different from what they do and really what is so wrong with that? Aren't open discussions more beneficial than assumptions? I'd much rather someone ask me why than assume. Understanding our differences is so essential to understanding each other and building that bridge. The "mommy wars" are fed by insisting we all need to just mind our own business and pick a corner and helped by reaching out.
I think it's the disingenuousness of the OP's question that sticks in folks' craws here.

If the OP is seeing so many examples of the behavior that befuddles her, she ought to realize that it's common. Furthermore, you'd have to be living under a rock not to know that parents - especially mothers - needing and taking time for themselves is a huge topic in parenting books, magazines, websites, blogs, newspaper articles - everywhere! If she were asking about a truly obscure topic - say the parents in her immediate circle all believe in scattering grass clippings on their children to promote growth - and she just wanted a reality check, that would be understandable.

But to ask "Is this common" about a topic so ubiquitous, it comes across as, well, simply disingenuous.
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