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Is this common? - Page 5

post #81 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by not now View Post

Is this common or just the people I'm running into at work?
It's very common indeed. People have always shared the childcare burden among member of the tribe, sometimes to the point of sharing the nursing as well as the childcare.

It's common in the animal kingdom too - even many species of wild animals and birds consider it beneficial.

Elephants in particular
http://features.csmonitor.com/books/...t-reflections/
" In the wild, elephants live in highly developed, matriarchal societies with group parenting and baby-sitting available 24/7."

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/n...laltruism.html
post #82 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
I think it's the disingenuousness of the OP's question that sticks in folks' craws here.

If the OP is seeing so many examples of the behavior that befuddles her, she ought to realize that it's common. Furthermore, you'd have to be living under a rock not to know that parents - especially mothers - needing and taking time for themselves is a huge topic in parenting books, magazines, websites, blogs, newspaper articles - everywhere! If she were asking about a truly obscure topic - say the parents in her immediate circle all believe in scattering grass clippings on their children to promote growth - and she just wanted a reality check, that would be understandable.

But to ask "Is this common" about a topic so ubiquitous, it comes across as, well, simply disingenuous.
Yet she stated it wasn't common in her culture hence her confusion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by not now
I grew up in a culture where mom has babies/kids and she takes them everywhere she can. If kids are not with her because she can't bring them along they are with dad or other relative and she picks them up as soon as she's done. If both parents work family care for kids, the parents pick the children up as soon as the leave work. Basically, a parent, usually the mom, has has their kids with the as much as possible when they are young. I'm only talking infant to preschool age.
As well as rereading her OP you see that she is not saying all moms should be with their babes all the time. She gives examples of children being left with other family members. I think she also may have been asking more than is it common for mom to give her kids to someone else and have been asking is it common for family not to be involved as she stated in her OP that the people watching their kids were co-workers, etc and not family. Again being from a different culture this could easily be something odd to her. She could very well be asking why families aren't more involved as well. So again why not give her the benefit of the doubt here?

Also it being done left and right in one area of her life does not mean it is common everywhere.

As for living under a rock- not all people are subscribing to all the magazines and reading all the parenting books. Some folks are homebodies whose internet is their window to the world. So she asked. Who knows what her situation is which is my point. I think it's more than a little leap to jump all over her for her questions especially when she stated it was odd to her since she grew up in a different culture.
post #83 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by AbbieB View Post
I have been truly surprised by all the people in my life that have suggested that I take some time to "get away" from the kids. It seems like the first thing anyone will say to you if you are having any challenges in your life is, "Why don't you get a baby sitter and take some time for yourself." It's the modern day Mother's cure all.
If time for yourself is being offered as a cure-all, it isn't necessarily a reflection of a culture that doesn't approve of spending time with children. I think it's more reflective of a culture where mothers of young children often find themselves isolated with very little support.
post #84 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
I am sooo confused here! I am just not seeing the horrible judgment in this thread. What I am seeing is moms trying to understand something different from what they do and really what is so wrong with that? Aren't open discussions more beneficial than assumptions? I'd much rather someone ask me why than assume. Understanding our differences is so essential to understanding each other and building that bridge. The "mommy wars" are fed by insisting we all need to just mind our own business and pick a corner and helped by reaching out.

I do see lots of defensiveness in this thread though.

I am not one of those moms who goes out a lot or even not at all. Weekly date nights are important to DH and I , I shop alone, and DH and I trade time during the week to be all by ourselves. I just really am not offended by the OPs question at all nor do I think it's so outlandish and wrong to point out that yes one can over do it.

I dunno we keep talking about to each their own and giving the benefit of the doubt and I can't help but wonder what the OP and some posters said to get accused of some of this. I just think maybe even in the case of this thread we need to follow the "you just don't really know" preaching.

This X20!

I get a little help, I have a mother's helper that comes every other week one day. My parents take the baby twice a month for a date night for me and dp, but it doesn't offend me at all that the OP asked about some moms getting WAAAAAAY more help than that. I personally don't need much more help than I get. If I did, I would seek it out, I would also probably not have more kids if I saw that I needed a ton of 'me' time or personal recharge time or whatever you want to call it.
And I don't feel bad at all for getting the help that I do, but I didn't see the OP asking about occassional help, she was asking about TONS of help, practically avoiding you LO's. There is a big difference that a lot of posters seemed to miss. I guess a lot of people just didn't read well today or something?
post #85 of 160
Quote:
It's very common indeed. People have always shared the childcare burden among member of the tribe, sometimes to the point of sharing the nursing as well as the childcare.
I think this is very true, but I also think it was in the context of the mother working (around the home or some caretaking responsibilities) or looking after other kids, etc. I think the original issue is also a bit of a generational thing.... my generation feels more entitled to leisure time than my parents generation. I don't think it has to be a bad/good question. There are pro's/con's to each. People used to have more kids, and taking care of the basic necessities required much more time, so time for yourself went out the window. We are more self-indulgent as a generation and yet we are also probably a bit healthier physically and emotionally.
post #86 of 160
I sure wasn't being judging- just sharing my experience. I take my baby everywhere and I never leave him. I don't have any outside help, though, and I never have. I was alone with my baby starting the night I had him, figuring out the night time parenting and so forth. DH can watch him for a few minutes here and there, but he doesn't really know what to do with him when he cries, and he hasn't got boobs so... yeah And I don't have other relatives close enough or with enough free time to help. I can say I would not leave him with a sitter as of now. That's subject to change later, maybe.
post #87 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by nina_yyc View Post
If time for yourself is being offered as a cure-all, it isn't necessarily a reflection of a culture that doesn't approve of spending time with children. I think it's more reflective of a culture where mothers of young children often find themselves isolated with very little support.
post #88 of 160
It's pretty common in the states I think. I see it all around me even with my "crunchy, overachieving"" friends. Now that we have 2 children DH does the shopping, with list in hand, because it's easier. If we all go and it's a short quick trip, I'll leave the kids and DH in the car. On the weekends DH and I do go out on a Fri. or Sat. night but again, after the kids are in bed and then my MIL hangs out for a bit in case they wake up.

My "me time" is when the kids are in bed And even then it's not "me" time, I barely ever get time ALONE. And if I did, I wouldn't know what to do with myself, I might wake the baby!! LOL!!

After reading some of the posts I agree, this whole "nuclear" family thing hasn't been around for a while. Usually, it really is/was a village that takes care of the children. It's just not possible alone or is very hard to do it alone, someone suffers along the way be it child or parent. I think we should get back to the old ways of raising children where EVERYONE is looking out for the young ones, not just their parents.
post #89 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by not now View Post
I grew up in a culture where mom has babies/kids and she takes them everywhere she can. If kids are not with her because she can't bring them along they are with dad or other relative and she picks them up as soon as she's done. If both parents work family care for kids, the parents pick the children up as soon as the leave work. Basically, a parent, usually the mom, has has their kids with the as much as possible when they are young. I'm only talking infant to preschool age.
Well, I worked full-time when my kids were little, and I was in the military, too. They went to a home daycare. I'm not sure what you think people should do with their kids if there is no extended family to care for them while their parents are at work....? Even if my mom lived nearby, she was only 38 when my oldest was born and still worked full-time, herself.

As for leisure-time....no, I didn't drop my kids off so that I could have a free day. When I needed a haircut or something, a friend might watch them for me for a couple of hours if their dad wasn't available (he was military, too....sometimes not even on the same continent). Rarely did their dad and I go on dates.

Anyway, the USA is so big and spread out that many people don't have family nearby to help out. Some kids don't like being dragged everywhere. I know my oldest didn't. He started begging to stay home when I went on errands by the time he was 7yo.

Personally, I think quality of time spent together matters more than quantity.
post #90 of 160
It's more common around here for people just to start dumping their kids with people when they turn like, 1.5-2. Which I don't get either, like my cousin, she seemed like a really involved parent to her girls, but since they stopped being "babies" you barely ever see them, they're always with their grandmother/grandfather or their dad. She's a SAHM, so it's not like she NEEDS to leave them.
post #91 of 160
Quote:
It's more common around here for people just to start dumping their kids with people when they turn like, 1.5-2. Which I don't get either, like my cousin, she seemed like a really involved parent to her girls, but since they stopped being "babies" you barely ever see them, they're always with their grandmother/grandfather or their dad. She's a SAHM, so it's not like she NEEDS to leave them.
Well "dumping them" is not a word I would use. Many of us are ebf'ers here and it is at this age that grandma's and grandpa's and cousins can finally spend a little one on one time with my baby. When he was an infant in arms I coulsn't really leave him as he would need to nurse.

As to being a SAHM so she doesn't need to do it-all the more reason sometimes you DO need to do it. It gets pretty lonely only talking to little ones all day every day.

Until you have kids you have no idea how draining some days can be and how some days you just need some adult time.
post #92 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by patronia View Post
It's more common around here for people just to start dumping their kids with people when they turn like, 1.5-2. Which I don't get either, like my cousin, she seemed like a really involved parent to her girls, but since they stopped being "babies" you barely ever see them, they're always with their grandmother/grandfather or their dad. She's a SAHM, so it's not like she NEEDS to leave them.
How do you know that she doesn't NEED to leave them?

You know what? I stay home as well. And my anxiety/depression issues coupled with the fact that I have a spirited 6 year old and a 2 year old who is just simply nuts means that I do in fact NEED to take a few hours or if I am lucky enough (which is once in a blue moon) a day once in a while to recharge and have a mommy "time-out". That time alone can make me feel like a sane person again, which benefits my relationship with my kids greatly. Being a SAHM in a rural area with no family/friends can be very isolating.

I just didn't know that if one is a SAHM parent than that negates their need to ever be without their children. Different families, different circumstances.
post #93 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by betsyj View Post
Well "dumping them" is not a word I would use. Many of us are ebf'ers here and it is at this age that grandma's and grandpa's and cousins can finally spend a little one on one time with my baby. When he was an infant in arms I coulsn't really leave him as he would need to nurse.

As to being a SAHM so she doesn't need to do it-all the more reason sometimes you DO need to do it. It gets pretty lonely only talking to little ones all day every day.

Until you have kids you have no idea how draining some days can be and how some days you just need some adult time.
But I think about 99% of the people on this thread do have kids so they do know how it is and about half of them are saying that they just enjoy spending time with their kids and don't feel a real need to have all this me-time. I feel like it's almost if any of us says we just genuinely don't like to be away from our kids then the other half of moms(who do like the me-time) feel like we are campaigning for the MDC-mother-of-the-millenium award or something. I think the moms who are saying they don't want/need all this time away from their kids are simply saying, as nicely as possible despite the seeming discrimination from the pro-me-time-moms-camp, that it is just who we are, we are wired this way, we just like to be with our kids all the time and it is not a judgement statement on anyone, just a fact about ourselves.


I don't feel the understanding coming from the other side like they are demanding should be afforded to the moms who use outside help for childcare. Where's the love? All i'm seeing is defensiveness.....
post #94 of 160
I was referring only to Patronia's post-hence me quoting only her.

I frankly don't care what other Mama's do with their time. For 99.99% of us we are doing our best with what we have.
post #95 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by betsyj View Post
I was referring only to Patronia's post-hence me quoting only her.

I frankly don't care what other Mama's do with their time. For 99.99% of us we are doing our best with what we have.
Yep. I have enough going on dealing with my own parenting and family, I don't really need to speculate about others.
post #96 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by sisteeesmama View Post


I don't feel the understanding coming from the other side like they are demanding should be afforded to the moms who use outside help for childcare. Where's the love? All i'm seeing is defensiveness.....
Well, when people are using terms like "dumping" and insinuating that people who want some time away "don't like to be around their kids", it's a LITTLE hard not to be defensive. I can understand that, and to be honest aside from school I don't do a whole lot without my kids and pretty much don't have a babysitter these days (I don't count my WAH DH as a sitter).
post #97 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
Well, when people are using terms like "dumping" and insinuating that people who want some time away "don't like to be around their kids", it's a LITTLE hard not to be defensive. I can understand that, and to be honest aside from school I don't do a whole lot without my kids and pretty much don't have a babysitter these days (I don't count my WAH DH as a sitter).
Well, I can understand that. But I wouldn't say that overall the predominant position has been a rude one. For the most part this thread has remained civil and in the beginning of the thread there was A LOT of defensiveness that wasn't even related to the OPs questions and then on top of that assumptions about the OPs motives! Can't we just ignore the few truely innappropriate remarks?
post #98 of 160
Why are any of them inappropriate? They illustrate very real assumptions and problems that moms in particular face.

People who need some time away are accused of "dumping their kids" or that it's all some latest cure-all, real moms would always take their children everywhere.

People who do take their children everywhere are asked stupid questions by strangers, and whenever they might open up about feeling frustrated or whatever are automatically told to "get a sitter".

That is life for most mothers in the US at least. No matter what you do, you're screwed AND screwing up.

If you're going to call out people for making rude remarks, then it should be directed at everyone who has, not turning it into yet another contest of who's been wronged more.

I don't really "feel the love" from the people who have said that they spend all their time with their kids. There DOES seem to be quite a bit of superiority/judging going on there. I'm sure it's not intentional with most people. And the only person I see in the thread who has said that there might be a negative consequence for spending every waking moment with their children was ME--in the context that pretty much children (and everyone else) could find fault no matter how much time you spend with them, so why not just do what works best for you and your family instead of worrying about what other people think (on any side).
post #99 of 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
Why are any of them inappropriate? They illustrate very real assumptions and problems that moms in particular face.

People who need some time away are accused of "dumping their kids" or that it's all some latest cure-all, real moms would always take their children everywhere.

People who do take their children everywhere are asked stupid questions by strangers, and whenever they might open up about feeling frustrated or whatever are automatically told to "get a sitter".

That is life for most mothers in the US at least. No matter what you do, you're screwed AND screwing up.

If you're going to call out people for making rude remarks, then it should be directed at everyone who has, not turning it into yet another contest of who's been wronged more.

I don't really "feel the love" from the people who have said that they spend all their time with their kids. There DOES seem to be quite a bit of superiority/judging going on there. I'm sure it's not intentional with most people. And the only person I see in the thread who has said that there might be a negative consequence for spending every waking moment with their children was ME--in the context that pretty much children (and everyone else) could find fault no matter how much time you spend with them, so why not just do what works best for you and your family instead of worrying about what other people think (on any side).

Tigerchild, I'm loving you on this thread. A big : to everything you've posted.
post #100 of 160
Thread Starter 
Huh, didn't know my question would spiral into a "discussion." I hate when this happens on MDC, people accusing others of not understanding where they are coming from bla, bla, bla. Accusations of judgement. This is also why I don't post often, I love the message of the community as a whole but man things get out of hand sometimes.

I'm first generation Mexican-American, my parents came here as pre-teens. Everyone worked as field workers or packing house workers until they could get enough education to find a better job. I grew up in a city that was predominatly Mexican on the poor side of town, chickens in the front yard and everything. I didn't see much of any other cultutre until my late teens/early 20's and parenting was not something I paid any attention to.

Now I live in a city with a smaller number of Mexicans and I live on the "white" side of town. Mexicans here are assimilated into the American culture which I'm trying to do myself. When the subject came up at work a couple people agreed so I wondered if it was common. Where I come from kids aren't dropped off for "me" time. I was taken care of after school and summers by my grandparents but mom picked me up right after work. I went everywhere Dr appointments, haircuts, shopping, worksites with my grandparents.

Call me jugemental if you will I couldn't care less. I know my intentions, it was an honest question.
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