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Do you keep your kids away from other kids? - Page 2

post #21 of 114
Yes, I plan to.

Keeping my kids away from others peoples kids for as long as possible is on my rule list. And that doesn't mean that they will never be around other kids.

There's another book that promotes this based upon the author wanting to instill certain values in her children. She seems to have done a fine job.

I don't expect to get much support on that and really I don't need it.
post #22 of 114
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyGrace View Post
You do realize that what you are describing is age appropriate until about 6yo? Yes? Kids aren't born with filters.
In our grandparents generation kids would have NEVER behaved like that. If parents find it unacceptable, children learn...but because parents seem to do nothing, the kids continue.
post #23 of 114
so, you want her just to imitate YOU?

Not to be snarky but really... kids need kids. It helps them learn new things, accept different types of people and really figure themselves out. Sure, they copy others, that's so natural. If she's just with you then all she has to copy is you and that just doesn't make any sense!
post #24 of 114
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raene View Post
In our grandparents generation kids would have NEVER behaved like that. If parents find it unacceptable, children learn...but because parents seem to do nothing, the kids continue.
That would not have been acceptable in my house growing up either. I wish I would have said that at the dinner table...yeah right. And responses that think it's normal only helps to further why I feel the way I do.
post #25 of 114
Quote:
Originally Posted by SagMom View Post
As far as parents doing nothing: When I've felt the need to talk with one of my kids about something I don't do it in front of an audience--I'd speak with them later, in private about it, or, if a matter of urgency, I'd whisper to them or take them aside. It's possible that the parents ARE addressing these things, just not in front of you. Of course, it's also possible that they're NOT addressing them--I'm just saying it's hard to know.
There are two elements to address in this scenario. I think that parents can handle the parenting part however they want. I would expect however that the parents would handle the manners/relationship part with me/my family immediately. I think it is important to model social graces and to correct/guide children so they learn to behave appropriately and I personally think that while you can reinforce that concept later, addressing it immediately in some way is important.
post #26 of 114
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raene View Post
Oh yes, I'm serious. In general I don't like other kids, only my own. There are a few exceptions, but the children around us are not disciplined/parented and are left to do as they please without having rules enforced. I find them to be little monsters. Sorry if that's rough...it's true. Kids need some boundaries to learn and grow, and these kids don't have it. I've had my friends and their children over for dinner and I'll make a really big meal and their kids will say loudly "THIS is DISGUSTING. I HATE this." To me that is unacceptable behavior, yet parents do nothing.

Maybe I'm just living in the wrong place. This kind of behavior would never have been tolerated a few generations ago...
Yes, I agree entirely (although I really do enjoy some other kids). As I said, I fully realize & expect kids to be kids & say disrespectful things at times. The thing that makes me angry is when parents ignore the behavior! The incredibly rude boy at the strawberry patch that I mentioned in my post, his mom ignored him. I watched him say "hi, dirtbags!" to 2 women that were paying for their berries at the farm stand & his mother only said his name in an annoyed voice & then said "I'm sorry!" to the customers. That was the end of it.

If a child of ANY age made that comment at my house about their food being disgusting & their parent didn't immediately intervene with a sharp word, lecture, or punishment, I would be extremely offended & not want to have the child over again if I could help it. That is totally unacceptable behavior. And "me too" about never having been able to get away with that as a child! I wasn't even allowed to use the word "hate" for goodness sake! If one of my kids made such a comment they would be given a hearty lecture on gratitude & respect on the spot.

We are experiencing a generation of permissive, lazy parenting & many rude children that imitate the TV & their peers more than their families. It's frustrating.

OP, I hope we haven't gone too far OT. I wanted to mention as well that the #1 reason I chose to homeschool many years ago was for the social aspect. I was horrified by how I saw kids acting in PS & I wanted to shield my kids from that. That is still the first reason on my list of why we continue to homeschool.
post #27 of 114
Quote:
Originally Posted by zjande View Post
I wanted to mention as well that the #1 reason I chose to homeschool many years ago was for the social aspect. I was horrified by how I saw kids acting in PS & I wanted to shield my kids from that. That is still the first reason on my list of why we continue to homeschool.
Me, too.

I am not opposed to my children playing with other children, but they are monitored and expected to behave according to the way they have been taught to treat other people. Right now, mine are playing baseball. I see the kids on the team, we've been to a birthday party, I would be content to have most of them to my house to play and I would consider a few for visits to their house...but by and large, I look at some of the parent-approved behaviors and cringe inside. Taunting, teasing, talking about boy/girlfriends, being rude to adults, etc. I don't mind the silly antics and the goofball humor that is common in the 5-7 crowd...but I don't care for cruelty. And if that means that my child is only around certain kids, then so be it. There is a lifetime to learn behaviors and I'm willing to delay it until my kids are older and more self-aware. I homeschool because of socialization - I don't want it
post #28 of 114
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raene View Post
In our grandparents generation kids would have NEVER behaved like that. If parents find it unacceptable, children learn...but because parents seem to do nothing, the kids continue.
I said it was age appropriate, not that it was acceptable.


I do have to wonder about who you are surrounding yourself with. If your friends are showing such a lack of manners in your home, why are you friends with them?
post #29 of 114
I WISH I could keep my boys away from other kids, but my DH won't let me

Actually, I've hear a lot of mamas talk in this forum about how they minimize their children's exposure to other kids, and it really helped me. Someone suggested putting a STOP sign on your door during the day in the summer when the neighborhood kids are out all day but you want/need time with your children.

We live on a very kid-friendly street, and while it's great somtimes, it often looks like public-school recess out front. Not to knock ps, but I too read Hold on to Your Kids, and I do not want my dc to spend more time with their peers than their family.

Good luck!
post #30 of 114
I don't necessarily limit contact with other kids, but I do supervise more than some parents might. I'm of the opinion that an attentive adult presence helps to counteract the "blind leading the blind" problem that Neufeld has described.

On the other hand, most of our friends are hs'ers, and we haven't yet encountered many behavior issues....
post #31 of 114
I understand where you are coming from, but be careful on here! I've gotten jumped on before!

Also, if I can't keep my kids from witnessing horrible behavior in the first place, I use it as a tool to help them learn how NOT to act. "Do you see how that little boy is calling names? We DON'T do that in our family" ETc...
post #32 of 114
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raene View Post
In our grandparents generation kids would have NEVER behaved like that. If parents find it unacceptable, children learn...but because parents seem to do nothing, the kids continue.
I'm thinking that had a lot to do with spanking, but I could be wrong.

post #33 of 114
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raene View Post
I've had my friends and their children over for dinner and I'll make a really big meal and their kids will say loudly "THIS is DISGUSTING. I HATE this." To me that is unacceptable behavior, yet parents do nothing.
But see, this is a PARENTING failure, not anything about the kid. My DD (4yo) has said pretty much that exact thing, at home, and so we have talked over and over about how you act if you don't like the food offered you, and she is improving now. It is a normal, but unacceptable behaviour, and it is the parents' job to teach the kid what is acceptable in various situations.

That said, there are kids in our hsing group we avoid, but only the ones who are violent and the parents look on and do nothing about it. I have confronted parents about violent behaviour too. In general though, that is why hsing is so great, because the parents are there to help guide the kids through the conflicts and different social situations that will occur on a playground.
post #34 of 114
But see, this is a PARENTING failure, not anything about the kid.

I agree. We keep our children from the offspring of people whose parenting we don't like. All kids act up and talk back and are annoying and awful sometimes, but I've found, over the years, that the kids whose parents aren't on the ball are just too much trouble for me- I don't feel okay letting my kids go to their house for play dates, which means they always have to be playing on my duty, and if they're not used to having rules or discipline at home they need constant close supervision at my house. When my kids play with kids who are used to limits and discipline they play better and need way less handling, so it's more fun and more independent for them, and more relaxing and much nicer for me, too.

I don't mind my kids being exposed to children with bad behaviour- I want them to not feel like they're landing on another planet as they get older and go places by themselves- but I also want those exposures to be outside of the security our home, to be limited in exposure time, and bracketed on either end by OUR influence. I want them to know not everyone is just like us, not everyone believes the same things we do, are acts the way we do, or treats others the way we do. I also want opportunities to talk about our family values and rules.

We have some kids at church and homeschool activities that I don't really want my kids spending a lot of time with. We decline playdates at houses, but I don't stop them from playing at church or community events, unless the play is too rough or escalating too wildly.
post #35 of 114
Quote:
it's very tempting until she's at an age when she can stand on her own two feet, understand what isn't right (behavior-wise), and follow her heart instead of just wanting to fit in.
The way that happens is by having consistant interactions with peers in a smaller group setting with parents around to step in and explain proper behavior when necessary.

Keeping her away from other kids altogether won't help teach good interaction. I'd recommend having playdates, park trips, etc and talking to get beforehand about how to behave, then interrupting the play if people are being unkind.

You can also get library books about manners and good behavior.

We have a large variety of neighborhood kids over here all the time. Their manners aren't what I would let my kids use and I am comfortable correcting their behavior when they're at my house. I've tried very hard to make our house "the place to be" so that I can keep an eye on everyone and not have to worry about what my kids are doing elsewhere.
post #36 of 114
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by zjande View Post

We are experiencing a generation of permissive, lazy parenting & many rude children that imitate the TV & their peers more than their families. It's frustrating.
Amen to that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hey Mama! View Post
I'm thinking that had a lot to do with spanking, but I could be wrong.

This thought has crossed my mind, but if we agree to this, doesn't that mean that spanking actually does work? I feel like, from my childhood of spanking, it just made me retaliate and act worse (though maybe later, not at that same moment).

Quote:
Originally Posted by water View Post
But see, this is a PARENTING failure, not anything about the kid.
Agreed. So maybe my issue is that parents around me aren't parenting.

I will say it's not ALL children, it's just most children around me. I very much miss my AP group but unfortunately there's not one around here. I wish I could find parents who parent similarly, but I just haven't yet (in this area).
post #37 of 114
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raene View Post
This thought has crossed my mind, but if we agree to this, doesn't that mean that spanking actually does work? I feel like, from my childhood of spanking, it just made me retaliate and act worse (though maybe later, not at that same moment).
I think it does cause immediate compliance if that is how you define "work". In the long run it breaks the trust between parent and child and teaches the child to comply to perceived authority, which is not always in their best interest as an adult.

As for keeping DD from other kids, heck no. We just discuss (ad nauseam) behaviors we see that don't work for us. Guiding a child is not an immediate gratification event, rather a long process.
post #38 of 114
My son is older (11), and I don't keep him away from any children, anymore. He is an extremely empathetic kiddo, and we talk a lot about why friends (both children and adults) act in certain ways or say certain things. That said, he will not tolerate people treating him badly consistently. He will choose not to be around these people.

But, one of the reasons he's able to advocate for himself in this way is that I used to limit the people I surrounded him with. There are toxic people in the world - both adults and children. I don't bring toxic adults into my home. Why would I allow toxic children to stress us out or hurt us?

Yes, I sometimes kept him away from other children. There have been several children on our street that I did not feel comfortable allowing to play with my kiddo - kids who pulled my child in directions neither he nor I felt comfortable with. But, because he was such a social kiddo, and because our street has few kids his age, he was hard pressed to tell them he didn't want to play. So, I had to do it for him.

It caused some stress for a little while. He desperately wanted to play with these kids who called him names, tied him up, hit him with sticks and rocks.... But, it also gave us a chance to discuss why people act the way they do and how we expect to be treated. And, I believe that's why he's able to advocate for himself today - lots of discussions about empathy and making sure he was surrounded by people who treated him with respect and kindness.

We spend a lot of time with a group of homeschooled kids we've known for over four years. There are kids in this group I'm not overjoyed to see, but I don't prohibit my son from spending time with them. The neighborhood kids were an extreme case. These kids aren't. My son will play with them as long as he's enjoying himself, but if he feels like he's being bullied or taken advantage of, he will state his problem with the situation and walk away. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of that. (I worried that, because he was going back to the abusive kids in the neighborhood again and again - before I put a stop to it - that he would allow himself to be subjected to that kind of treatment throughout his life.)

So, I will advocate for my child. And, on occasion, I will advocate for him against his wishes; I can see things in people and in situations that he can't yet see. Most of the time, however, I will simply be there to talk him through any problems he's having with people/relationships. I would never dream of keeping him away from all children or from all children I don't particularly like. It's through experiences with people of all sorts that he will develop the empathy to understand others and the strength to advocate for himself.
post #39 of 114
Quote:
Originally Posted by jplain View Post
I don't necessarily limit contact with other kids, but I do supervise more than some parents might. I'm of the opinion that an attentive adult presence helps to counteract the "blind leading the blind" problem that Neufeld has described.
That's what I did, and it worked very well for us.
post #40 of 114
We live in a neighborhood where it is basically impossible for us to restrict our kids from playing with neighbor kids, because they are literally in our front yard, whether we are out playing or not.

When DS1 was a couple years younger, he was not very good at distinguishing between behaviors that fit our values and those that don't. And he naturally wanted to play with the neighbor kids who were in his yard. So what we did then, was to have him play, but supervise closely, and limit the time. If their behavior was upsetting to him, we verbally pointed that out to all of the kids at our house. If the situation was too much for our son, we had him come in for a break. And we consistently discussed with him our thoughts on how the other kids behaved, and how people feel when they are treated certain ways. We also discussed what our standards are, with regards to playing in a way that is respectful to others' feelings, everyone's safety, and everyone's property. He has been learning that no matter how the other kids play, he is expected to meet our standards for behavior. With this group of neighbor kids, this has worked well. He has learned which behaviors it is not acceptable to us for him to adopt, and what we expect of him, regardless of how other kids are acting. He has also learned to accept our limits on play, so that having kids in our yard is not a constant disruption to our own family activities. Also, DH and I have been able to have some influence over how these kids play together. When we point out behavior that is not respectful, dangerous, etc, they listen to us. So while my preference would be to go live on a rural lot where we will not have kids in our yard and we can always pick and choose who our kids play with and when....really this has worked out well. Our son has learned to play with kids amongst various types of behavior and learned to discern what meets our standards of being respectful and safe and what doesn't.

As far as kids who aren't neighbors, when I have the choice of them playing together or not, if the way a child plays does not work well for both of our boys, resulting in a happy good time for all, then I don't go out of my way to set up play opportunities with that child. If that child is going to be at something we wanted to go to, I won't avoid going, but I may choose to limit the time we spend there, if being around that child is causing stress and upset.

I do feel that one of the benefits of homeschooling is that we can have more control over who our kids socialize with, and how often, and how long, and in what manner. If one of our sons starts spending time with a child whose behavior is really awful, who is either upsetting our kids, or influencing their behavior in a way we are really uncomfortable with, and the child is not respectful of our direction regarding the manner of play at our house, then we will restrict our kids' access that that child if we feel it's necessary.
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