"Is She Yours?"

[AVeryGoodYear]

Today, my 4 month old daughter and I took the bus out to the local farmer's market. We had a lovely time, and she was really well-behaved. On our way home, a lady sat behind us who was just enamoured of my daughter, and was so sweet and complimentary... but then she asked me:

"Is she yours?"

I can't pinpoint why, but I was SO insulted. Or maybe I just thought it was incredibly rude. My lineage is Polish and I look it: pale skin, blue eyes, blonde hair. My daughter looks like her father: tanned skin, dark eyes, dark hair; she has his nose, his mouth, his ears, EVERYTHING. When we're out as a family, we get a lot of comments about how much she looks like daddy.

My husband thinks it's silly that I thought this woman was rude. I can't get over it. "Is she yours?" I said yes, and the woman sort of laughed like she felt self-conscious and said, "Oh, I guess you're NOT the babysitter then!" I mean, is that normal, to assume that a baby doesn't belong to someone?

Is someone here on my side? Please tell me I'm not loopy!

[NicaG]

I can understand why you're upset, and it's a stupid question for a stranger to ask. Sounds like she just blurted it out and regretted it afterwards.

On the other hand, in my town there are a lot of nannies and babysitters taking care of kids during the day, and it's sometimes hard to figure out the relationship when you're at the playground or whatever. Usually I don't need to know the relationship (the exception is when a kid falls down and no one's around, so you ask if his mom or nanny or whoever is nearby). So I don't comment or ask about it, even if I'm curious. But sometimes people just aren't thinking, kwim?

[holyhelianthus]

HATE that question!!! As a biracial child I got to hear my white mother get it often and now that I have a white child I am the one getting it. : Why is it THEIR concern? So ridiculous.

[liliaceae]

Do you happen to look really young?

[confustication]

I got that a lot with my first. I also looked like I was about 15 at that point, so it rattled people.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by confustication

I got that a lot with my first. I also looked like I was about 15 at that point, so it rattled people.

This is still my DH's problem in public and we are well past number 1

[angie7]

I have gotten that so many times. But for me it's a compliment I look really young and I am very thin. I guess people that have twins aren't suppose to be skinny?? I don't know but I get it a lot.

[Barefoot~Baker]

This happened to me once. At the time, I was aware that I didn't look like my girls; my hair was blonde (not naturally ) while my children's hair is brown, and I was wearing dark sunglasses. I was taking them for a walk and stopped to chat with a couple and their baby, and after a few minutes the husband asked if they were my children

He didn't mean anything by it of course

[not now]

I get it all the time. I'm Mexican and have a dark blond, pale, blue eyed little boy. My mom's side is light complected with light eyes, I just happen to take after my dad with the dark hair/eyes, olive skin and wavy hair.

[lilyka]

perhaps she just didn't want to assume anything. i usually ask before I tell someone "your baby/grandbaby/whatever is so cute." because heaven forbid you guess and get it wrong.

[accountclosed2]

I think it is very rude. As a former nanny, and in an area where there are lots of nannies, I never had anyone ask me that. Everyone just assumed that I was the mother, unless I told them I wasn't! When I cared for three 3yos from two families, everyone assumed I was the mother of triplets. And more than once, while I cared for two boys from different families, after I just told them the boys were "2 and almost 2", people would say "Oh, you had them close together!".

The default, out of respect, should be that whoever is with the children is a parent. Until you are told otherwise. For all you know, the child may be adopted, a step-child or just not look like the parent. And it may not be something they want to discuss with a stranger.

Also, as a nanny there were times when I didn't correct people and just let them assume. Fore example, the cashier might be nice to the little boy, and hand him the paper, saying "what a good boy, you give that to your mum!". I'd just smile and say thanks, and outside of the shop I would assure the LO that we'd give Mummy the paper when she came home from work.

Frankly it is none of their business,

[A&A]

Originally Posted by liliaceae

Do you happen to look really young?

:

I got that when I was 25 and people thought I was 16.

(Ooh, to look young again!)

[mushka3000]

I think its a rude question regardless of how dissimilar a parent-child pair look.
People can be thoughtless and insensitive.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by lilyka

perhaps she just didn't want to assume anything. i usually ask before I tell someone "your baby/grandbaby/whatever is so cute." because heaven forbid you guess and get it wrong.

:

[mrspineau]

I don't think that it is rude at all. I look after a little girl during the days and I always take her and ds everywhere and people are always assuming she's mine and I always get a kick out of that. I don't know why really, but people will always say "oh, twins!" or they'll say "oh mommy has you two dressed up" or something like that. sometimes I correct them, sometimes I don't bother. It's no big deal. Probably this lady has come across someone like me before who corrected her and now she doesn't want to make the same mistake again.... who knows

[Anglyn]

I use to get the opposite. I'm white, my bestfriend is black and she has twin daughters who are light complected, I mean, they could be mixed (sorta are as thier dad is mixed). Anyway, I cannot count the times I was complimented on my beautiful daughters or asked if they were mine. I was even told that the family resemblence was obvious. I thought it was obvious that I wasnt thier mother, but then you never know. My sil is white and her x is black and her kids are fairly dark though she is anemically white. I also got that with my actual niece who does look remarkably like my son, their fathers (who are brothers) look just like each other and just like their dad plus my nieces mother has similar characteristics to me, same color/type of hair, same basic body build etc.

I also was watching my friends baby, four days younger than ds4, by the pool one day when they were babies and several times got, "Oh, twins!!".

Now, when ds1 was small, I did get people who thought he was my brother, because at 24 I looked 16 and at two he looked four!!

I think its natural to be curious but I would never ask a stranger!! I had a friend once I met becuase our sons did scouts togather, it took a long time for me to feel comfortable enough to ask if her ds's had diffrent fathers. She laughed about it though, but seriously, they didnt look like they were the same race. One was very white and blue eyed, blonde hair while his brother was dark, brown eyes, black hair. They were full brothers same mom, same dad, just one looked like his white mother and one like his hispanic father. I mean they didnt the mixing or blending of both parents at all!! Well, they did of course, but they didnt LOOK it!

Oh, when I got complimented on my "daughters", I always just said Thank You!

[Anglyn]

Ive also seen the opposite where a child was adopted but parents frequently told that the child looked just like them!

[PretzelMama]

I've had that too. Funnily enough, when I was a nanny, most people assumed the kids were mine. Now I have one of my own, I get asked "Is she yours?".

I can relate to being sensitive about having your child looking more like their father. I hear over & over & over how much my DD looks like DH, but almost never that she looks like me. It really bothered me at first, but now I'm so used to it that it doesn't bug me as much. It still bugs me a little, though!

[mom2cash]

I get this all the time and while I'm dark-haired and my son is very blonde, I think its mostly asked because of how young I look. I still think its rude, even if they're not intending to be... but that's probably because I get the "You look like a teenager" comments a LOT. I can only imagine the reaction I'm going to get with 2.

[mbhf]

I got that a lot with my first (and second and third if I was out with just them) and I think it was just because I looked young.