3yr old hitting baby sister - what to do?

[littleveggiemom]

My 3yr old son mostly ignored his baby sister (8 months now) until she started crawling, then he started hitting her if she went near his toys and now sometimes her own toys. As I reacted and scolded him, he now thinks it is funny to get me upset and hits her or me to get me to react.

I've tried "time outs" but he will not stay on a chair. I've put him in his room but I'm afraid he'll connect negativity with his bedroom. (I already have difficult napping issues.) I've tried talking to him, but he won't even look at me. Sadly, I have hit his bottom in reaction, but he laughs at that too. I try to keep them apart, but my gut says they need to be together and learn to interact correctly.

When he hits her, I go and comfort her. 1) She needs comforting and 2) hopping that her getting extra attention will cause 3yr old to see that his actions gets him less attention. Non of this seems to be working. HELP!

[vixnix]

I'm having the same issue with my nearly 4 year old and his 7 mo brother. It always happens when my older one feels threatened or angry about what the 7 mo is doing. I have set up a "big kid's area" in the living room, partly so that he has a space to play with toys that are not safe to have around the baby (like lego and magnetix), and I think that has helped.

The most effective thing for me was ignoring the bad behaviour and telling him that I understood how anxious he felt about the baby coming near him, then giving him strategies for dealing with it, that didn't involve hitting. So if he was worried about the baby going for his toys or knocking down his tower, he can call out for me to move him away, or redirect him with a ribbon or shaker, etc.

We went through all the other stuff, too. It has been really hard for me and I have been losing my temper a lot, it sucks. But nothing has worked apart from preventing it from happening by reassuring him that I understand how he feels and trying to address that.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

I think vixnix has some good ideas.

I try to keep them apart, but my gut says they need to be together and learn to interact correctly.

I would agree if your daughter were older but what is she learning at this age? I do not think any lesson needs to be learned at the expense of someone elses pain.

The first thing I would do is edit the toys as a way to make the enviroment less stimulating and I would take away any toy that he hits his sister over.

What if you take your daughter and the two of you go into your room for a few minutes? This could go hand in hand with the idea that no one hits anyone else in the house, that if someone hit him you'd protect him as well.

[Romana]

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. When the 3 year old hits (much rarer now, fortunately) she is told explicitly that hitting is not acceptable and that she shall not hit her little brother. If she hit him with a toy, the toy is taken away (toy time-out) to be returned the next day, possibly sooner depending on the circumstances. Also, usually she's sent to her room for a time out. I think she actually *likes* time outs most of the time - it gives her an opportunity to regroup and calm down from the excitement of whatever got her acting inappropriately in the first place. Kind of like a quick kiddo re-boot. Time-outs are short.

She usually cries when sent to her room, but only for a moment, and mostly for the drama of it.

I've also explained to her about hitting and hurting etc. but depending on her mood, sometimes she just doesn't feel like having any empathy, so it can fall on deaf ears. Or her new favorite of going wide-eyed whenever hitting is discussed and saying piteously "You CAN'T hit me! You can't hit me! No hitting me!" Which is absurd in that we would never hit her, but a good example of her failure to get the logic and just doing the toddler thing of turning everything into a conversation about her.

We've also gone the route of separating them if she was having a particularly bad day. No reason to set the baby up for a toy to the head if we could see it coming, yk?

[Romana]

Just wanted to add that specifically in the toy arena, we gave dd the option of taking ds' toy away provided she gave him a different one to play with. It made no difference to him, and it allowed her to deal with the conflict in a non-violent way. Sure, it's not perfect, but for the 4 or 5 months that she really needed to use the strategy, it was effective. Now she's less possessive.

[littleveggiemom]

Thank you all for your ideas. I'll do my best to implement them. It is the end of another long day of battles. I so wished that DS had taken a nap today....that's another issue. I know life is good, but I'm tired. :

[1littlebit]

i read that as 3yo hitting baby sitter...then i read your post saying he mostly ignored her took me 3 tries realize it was about his sister!

[littleveggiemom]

3 yr old hitting for attention

More information:

DD is sometimes hitting DS over toys, but now it seems more about getting attention. Yesterday morning DS called for me "Where's Mommy?" When I said "here I am" he pushed DS laughed and ran away.

When I answered the phone yesterday (twice) DD hit DS. Other times DD hits DS for no other apparent reason other than to get my attention.. laughs and runs away.

More advice please.

[royalmommy]

You could try time-outs in the bathroom. And/or time-outs for his favorite toys when he hits.

[littleveggiemom]

Originally Posted by Zing

Oh yes, we have been there too and it is so hard. I began to feel really disgusted by my older DD and had to readjust my attitude. I wrote some articles (with tips) about this here.
It has really helped my older DD to feel like she has some sacred space (special alone time and outings with me, toys she doesn't need to share, and lots of laughter and playfulness). This behavior is just a reaction to feeling displaced and disconnected.
The book, Playful Parenting has been tremendously helpful (even though the title is deceptively simple).
Beast of luck to you!

I just ordered Playful Parenting early this morning after reading another post. I'll check out your site. Additional note, I just love your member name. I'm co-owner of a business with Zing in its name Natural Zing.

[mom2grrls]

It has really helped my older DD to feel like she has some sacred space (special alone time and outings with me, toys she doesn't need to share, and lots of laughter and playfulness).>>>>>

I'll second this. When my kids were younger I let my oldest put some things up and out of reach that she did not have to share.