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"Bad Parenting" popular, according to CNN - Page 5

post #81 of 113
the thumb sucking blankie loving baby was me.. i was also BF for over 18 months, my mom couldn't have used a stroller if she had wanted to, i screamed bloody murder if i could see my mom and she wasn't holding me and i co slept until i was old enough that i don't want to tell you ..... and my mom left me with my grandmother before i was even 6 weeks old b/c apparently my father, who i love and am incredibly close to who read me books before bed, listened to me read him books, sung me beatles songs to sleep, and played softball in my bedroom with me needed some husband time

my brother weaned at nine months... my mother says it was his choice b/c the bottle was quicker and easier for him (if you knew my brother its almost believable ) he sucked on a pacifier like it was a life line, he was fed his first solid food (baby apricots) at 2 mos old by his 3yr old sister... yours truly! he co slept longer then i did and he is closer to my mom than i am now. i am closer to my dad. i know this is true b/c he does not contemplate matricide everytime he spends more then 10 minutes talking to my mother and he did not dream about duct tape and ear plugs as a teenager.
post #82 of 113
It has occurred to me several times through my parenting "career" that the parenting philosophies that work the best are the ones that are flexible to adapt to the needs of each individual child, rather than try change the child to fit into the boundaries of a "parenting philosophy".

AP is easier to the extent of less work for Mom, the cost for me has sometimes been more than I bargained for. There have been times when my sex life has suffered, where I've been ready to scream because I'm tired to being touched, and where I'm just so exhausted I could cry.
post #83 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
perhaps we should start a thread about all of the things we don't do or struggled with nobody is perfect.. and even the seemingly perfect AP mama might have relationship trouble, fertility trouble, financial trouble, crazy In laws, be in poor physical health, want nothing more then to be a WOHM/ SAHM, go to bed at 2 am and get up at 5, have a house that looks like a tornado went through it, orders in every meal they eat except what comes from her boobs, or she might struggle to do all that she does and still have time to read a book, watch a movie, etc.

everyone struggles with something, nobody is the perfect mom and nobody has the perfect life. its hard to judge without the whole picture yk?

Just look through their past posts .
post #84 of 113
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexsam View Post

...

Anyway, back a bit more on topic. Take MDC here . There are always a bunch of parents who say "I'll never be as great a mom as these MDC moms! AP is too hard because I'm not 'crunchy enough'. How do I live up to the impossible MDC standards?" and the flaw in the logic here is this- the vast majority of the time, you see people's "good sides". They talk the most about the things they are passionate in. So you get a few MDC'ers who really are great at cloth diaper issues. Others are big advocates of breastfeeding. Many want to talk about their natural births. Some are really well read on gentle discipline. So, it comes out looking like MDC is full of super-people when really, it is some people are great at some things and not so big on others. The diaperer might not do the healthfood thing (so they most likely will not post in those forums or talk about it much). The breastfeeder might not have found a natural birth an important part of their parenting experience. So, they just don't go there. So, when we find out that, lo and behold, there are OTHERS who have lost it and yelled, others who have struggled with nursing, others who have gone through the McDonalds drive through... Well. We feel a little better. We're not perfect, but NO ONE is. There IS some peace in that. This "bad parent" thing takes the idea one step further.

...
THANK YOU for this wonderful post.

I had never really put my finger on it... but I guess I was feeling MDC mamas were nearly perfect. I think you described why I was feeling that way and gave a great explanation. Again, I didn't even think I was feeling this way until you put words to it. Your post gave me an unexpected sense of relief.
post #85 of 113
Yup, I had the natural birth and did it to perfection. Breast feeding (exclusively, not even using a bottle of EBM for the most part) has been a breeze and not even really a hassle for me at all (spare two or three days of sore nips which have never returned). I still have a higher sex drive than my husband even after giving birth, and the only disagreement we've had since our baby came three months ago was his getting a little annoyed that a week after birth I was resuming totally normal activity and he thought I should rest more! Our marriage/relationship has never been better! Gee, makes me sound awesome? Well... I'm not. I guarantee I'll never make home made baby food. I can't even cook for myself. I use a stroller... it's so hot here that unless I'm inside in the air conditioning, I couldn't stand having a baby pressed against me all the time in a sling (I have one, but when I'm in air conditioning, I just carry my baby in my arms). My kid sleeps in a bassinet next to my bed since he was about seven weeks (I think?) and only bedshares for his early morning meal and until I then get up for the day, and he had has vaccinations. But he's not circ'd! lol

But yeah, there's no perfection here, and you're right that we tend to share our good sides which we're passionate about. I don't know which end of a shovel to dig with, so you won't find me on the gardening threads. I'm so happy with my incredible birth that I wish I could relive it over and over so you find me on a lot of birth threads. Just the way it goes
post #86 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by UhOhWhatNow View Post
Yup, I had the natural birth and did it to perfection. Breast feeding (exclusively, not even using a bottle of EBM for the most part) has been a breeze and not even really a hassle for me at all (spare two or three days of sore nips which have never returned). I still have a higher sex drive than my husband even after giving birth, and the only disagreement we've had since our baby came three months ago was his getting a little annoyed that a week after birth I was resuming totally normal activity and he thought I should rest more! Our marriage/relationship has never been better! Gee, makes me sound awesome? Well... I'm not.
And the thing is, what you are describing is only the VERY BEGINNING of parenting-- a drop in the bucket, if you will, but people get fixated on these as whether or not you are "AP." What I've found out (for myself here) is that the most important thing about AP isn't birthing, feeding, or even carrying a baby in a sling all day . . .it's gentle discipline. If someone FF, had an epi, used a crib, etc. but is amazing at gentle discipline, then I think THAT person is truly an AP. And that GD work is the work of a lifetime. And man, for me, is it hard!
post #87 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizelenius View Post
GD work is the work of a lifetime. And man, for me, is it hard!
Amen Sister!
post #88 of 113
As for the baby sleeping through the night I don't judge anyone about what age their baby sleeps through the night but I do think there is proper and inproper treatment towards a child to reach that point. None of my children were left to CIO but my youngest slept through the night since the day we got home from the hospital for 6 hours a stretch in a bassinet then slept the rest of the night with me. Moved to a crib at 6 months, and at 14 months was in a toddler bed sleeping 12 hours a night and all I had to do to put him to bed was rock him for literally 10-30 seconds and say good night. I learned more about the benefits of co-sleeping and coslept with my middle child until they were 15 months, then co slept part time with them until they were 2 in their bed, then sometime after 2 they started sleeping through the night on their own more consistently. My youngest is over a year and still co sleeping and waking frequently. Anyway, my point is, I wouldnt say a mom isn't AP or is doing a bad job just because her baby sleep through the night at 2 months old. Or because their 3yo still wakes up at night. The only thing I think is realy wrong is treated a child poorly in order to gain a desired result, and IMO that is why I don't see CIO as something to be proud of. Being proud your baby sleeps through the night either... I can see being proud that you kept your patience and gave your child all the time they needed to learn to STN, but as I look at it, so what the baby learned to sleep. I mean its a GOOD thing but I don't understand why someone feels proud of that, ESPECIALLY if it was acheived by letting a baby cry so hard so long they were throwing up. How does one say "go me, im proud to be a bad mama and let my baby cry for 3 hours if thats what it takes for them to put themselves to sleep" I dont get it... what exactly is there to be proud of in that? Is it hard to ignore your child? if not, then why pride? if it was hard, then why are you proud that you ignored all your instincts while your baby suffered to achieve a goal that could be achieved without making your baby suffer?
post #89 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by UhOhWhatNow View Post
Maybe I'm dumb but there are people who don't feed (breast or otherwise) on demand? Even if you were a selfish louse, wouldn't you at least feed your hungry child to quiet him???
Unfortunately, there are many who believe they should schedule a child's feedings. As a mom who nursed and will nurse again, this is ridiculous to me as we don't eat on a schedule. I eat when I am hungry and sometimes when I am not! How do you tell a baby, "No, it is not time for you to eat yet, -don't care what your belly tells you-my clock knows better"! WTH? I also don't force my daughter to eat all that is on her plate and don't really stress the eat it even if you don't like it. I ask her to try it and sometimes she will, sometimes she won't and sometimes she will surprise me and ask to try something that even I won't eat--Onions, tomatoes, etc...raw! I know, I am the weinie not her...LOL! Although the video said that mom's are professionalizing being a mom, I don't agree. I believe that the importance of the job has been taken away and has been gone for some time. Too many think it is easy to be there 24/7, fulfilling every "need" not want--trying to run a household, maybe in a relationship at the same time, raising your one child or several others. I have been told that it is not work to which I reply, "Yes, it is but I just don't get a paycheck". I get paid with love, respect, sometimes anger, silliness, cuddles, etc...but I put in way more hours in a day than my husband when it comes to being on the job all the time. As I am sure most of you do as well.
post #90 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
i agree. DS is FF and while i am not proud of that but i do not believe that i am bad mother because of it. i tried to BF and between a jaundiced sleepy baby, lack of information, medication contraindicated while nursing, and the wrong kind of support i switched to Formula. i am pretty much 100% certain that i did the best i could in the situation i was in with the support and information that i had. i know next time i will do it differently. IMO thats what a makes a good mother.
BF is not easy when you have little to no support. I remember that I got engorged, had cracked bleeding nipples, you are working on little to no sleep and a baby who is hungry! Medications are another thing. If you have to be on something that is not conducive to BF, then that just throws another hurdle at you. You poor mama! If you have an infant who is also suffering from one ailment or another, then you will eventually find a way to get the two of you through those first few weeks. I hear you loud and clear! I did end up nursing but it did not make me a better parent. I enjoyed it and hope that with the right support, hopefully a healthier baby (jaundice free, I mean), information (WIC dept. is great for this if you have a BF advocate there), and medication changes or free of, you will be able to have this amazing experience! I still remember my first daughter's hand on my breast and marveling at how tiny it was. That is not all of it though, the little suckling noises, watching how that tiny nose moves kind of like a rabbit's, and I could go on and on...Although, watching a baby feed any old way would amaze me whether FF or BF as I am sure the similarities are there. Good Luck!
post #91 of 113
I think being a bad mom is not giving all that you have to motherhood as well as placing your child in a painful or dangerous position. I would LIKE to think that moms are all doing the best they can but sadly most are not. Am I perfect, VERY far from it but I have no problem saying where my short comings are and constantly working on them.
Now if you read this and get all huffy, maybe that is your own guilt, if so, own that guilt and doing something about it to change it.
I will freely admit my lack of patience with this topic ( it come up alot around here) is slightly bitter driven. If I was doing everything ' the mainstream way' what is going on in my life would be ok, accepted, no big deal. BUT because I do things differently than most around here ( locally) I have " made my own bed, now I have to sleep in it" is what I get alot. I think that AP here has saved us, yes it can be harder but didn't people's mamas teach that that more often then not the right thing to do is often the hardest? Or treat others how you want to be treated? Or others before self? Sadly these basic moral princiaples are vanishing from our society. When moms want to schedule a c section so that they are not inconvienced with the birth of there child, it sets up the mentallity that motherhood is all about mother, and how to make it easy for her. Motherhood isn't about pushing a cute little baby in a cute little outfit in a cute little pram on the way home from the nannies after you played tennis all day for the 5th day in a row this week. It isn;t about being able to turn mommy on and off when you feel like it. I think that is what socitey has turned it into. I think the world of moms who bust there hump all day long at work so that they can have food and a place to live and live in a decent area for there kid to grow up in, knowing most of that check is going to go to day care. It makes me sick for them, I could not imagiane that pain and frustration, to see moms throw motherhood around like a cool thing to do when they feel like it and piss there time away doing what THEY want while the child is with a nanny all day, all because mom " just needs to be herself still". Sorry chica, you are a mama now that that is what you should be to your child, of you didn't want all that comes with it don't do it.
Am I a perfect one, no!
List to come of what I do that is so wrong, baby up, off to nurse again!

Why some locals moms have said I am a bad parent:
I BF he until e self weaned at almost three, and still BF J
We still cosleep with J full time and E whenever he wants, ( usually 3 until he awakes for the day)
I let them play naked in the backyard in the sprinkler all day
i cut dairy and gluten out of e's diet
We are relaxed learners
I did not circ
I BF on demand
i WILL NOT vax ever again
J is still RFing in the car
I feel strong against CIO

there are more that are escaping me right now
but I am still coming to terms to things I did before I knew better with easton:

the doctor told me at 9 weeks that my milk wasn't enough for E and that he needs to be on three solids a day, formula inbetween and BM whenever I want inbetween, and I listened. that still weighs on me
oh he was 22lbs at that appointment on JUST my milk on demand, he said he nursed to much and that I needed to work on a schedule.

I turned he forward facing when he was 10 monthes because he was over thrirty lbs and screamed all the time. You would think that when the screaming still didn't stop that I would just turn him back around but I never thought of that, why would that matter?

I vaxed him for four monthes before I second guessed the coincidence in the encyphalitis after EACH round in him and the vaxes and all the other bad weird things too.

I tried CIO when I was at the end of my rope when he was ten monthes old, mad him worse, and he still remembers it

But when I was doing all these things everyone praised me on what a great mom I was, never got a second glance or thought from people, only when I started doing what I LOVE to do did I get a hard time, bad rep, and a 'bad mom' threat.....
post #92 of 113
Snipped:

Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
Definitely true sometimes. But sometimes, all too often really, a mom makes it clear she does actually think another mom that does things differently is bad or a failure of sorts. And I have seen the terms "abuse" and "abusive" thrown around way too liberally at times.
:

I read and post on true crime boards. That's were you learn about real "abuse". Abuse IS children being beaten, abandoned, dumped in trash cans, sexually abused, raped, left to die in a bedroom a few feet from where the "parents" are because the "parents" couldn't be bothered to get off their video game to feed the baby. Abuse IS NOT using a stroller, feeding a baby formula, giving a kid food that is not organic, letting your baby fuss for a few minutes, using disposible diapers, not co-sleeping, etc, etc.

And why do people have to throw in derogitory terms for other moms like "helicopter mom" (just one I can think of that I've seen recently). Why?? What purpose does it serve other than to tear another mother down who is probably trying to do the best she can?
post #93 of 113
the moms at the park call my aunt a helicopter mom. i have always thought hover craft was a more accurate description. she doesn't take it personally and i don't know why someone would. 'you watch your kid really closely' 'what? how dare you insult my parenting!' ..... huh? why would that bother people?

my family calls me an earth mother.. i call me she who has yet to clean to kitchen.


and erm.. what on earth is a true crime board? and lord it sounds depressing
post #94 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by camracrazy View Post
And why do people have to throw in derogitory terms for other moms like "helicopter mom" (just one I can think of that I've seen recently). Why?? What purpose does it serve other than to tear another mother down who is probably trying to do the best she can?
Well exactly so why call yourself a "bad mom". Makes no sense. Then again I don't really see "helicopter mom" as bad but more of a description. But I don't think being one is a horrible thing even though I am not. Did that make sense?
post #95 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post

and erm.. what on earth is a true crime board? and lord it sounds depressing

True Crime discussions.

Caylee Marie Anthony - 2 - murdered most likely by her mother (who breastfed her!).

Haylee Donathan - 3 - missing with her mom and a dangerous sex offender who the mom (and dad, and mom's brother) helped escape from a half-way house.

Haleigh Cummings - 5 - still missing.

The list goes on and on.

As for the term "helicopter mom", like most words it isn't derogitory in itself, but the way some people use it makes it seem like it's a horrible thing.
post #96 of 113
yikes... how on earth do you read that? i think it would make me sad.. and paranoid.. probably very paranoid.
post #97 of 113
i knew the thing about caylee anthony and someone said to me once "gosh and her mom BF..imagine how bad it would have been if she had FF" to me .. whose child is FF. wtf is that supposed to mean? how does it get worse then killing your child? how on earth could FF have possibly made that worse?
post #98 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
i knew the thing about caylee anthony and someone said to me once "gosh and her mom BF..imagine how bad it would have been if she had FF" to me .. whose child is FF. wtf is that supposed to mean? how does it get worse then killing your child? how on earth could FF have possibly made that worse?
Dude, no kidding!!! WTH????!!!
post #99 of 113
i know right! i was lucky i didn't burst into tears or haul off and smack her. it was not long after i started trying to re lactate .. and was struggling a lot with it.. i mean who the F#$% says that anyway?
post #100 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
i know right! i was lucky i didn't burst into tears or haul off and smack her. it was not long after i started trying to re lactate .. and was struggling a lot with it.. i mean who the F#$% says that anyway?
People who buy into the BFing/natural birthing automatically guarantees the optimum bonding no matter what and all BFers/NBers have the best relationship with their LOs ever. Much better than if they were to FF or get an epidural.

IIRC women were killing their children long before epidurals and formula came into play.
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