I think we have decided to stop

[manitoba_mommy]

I am so torn right now. I realy wanted to have one more baby but I am starting to think that it might not be a good idea. My dh is pretty much ok with whatever I decide so there is no pressure one way or the other. I am starting to wonder if the reasons I want just "one more" might not be very good, can someone help me by giving me an objective opinion on the pros and cons?

Pros;
*I realy want to experience a more empowered, preferably midwife attended, birth and after 3 uncomplicated hospital births I figure it is a realy good chance. I just want to experience a fully natural birth. My last was the closest but I still allowed ARM at a weak point.

*I want a boy, I have always wanted a boy. I feel like I might always wonder "what if" if I don't try on more time.

*I finaly feel like I realy like babies, this is new in a way and I don't feel like I have anjoyed it enough.

*I want at least one of my children to have a sibling they can relate to age wise. All of the girls are 5 years 9 months apart and have a great deal of problem relating.

*I know we have the room in our hearts for another one and the bigger our family gets the more fun it is.

Now, the cons;

*We would need a huge gas gussling vehicle that my enviromental conciousness is cringing at.

*Our oldest would be about 15 when the last was born and that seems like a heck of a gap.

*We have already replaced ourselves plus one, is it just irresponsible to do more then that?

*We would have to move into a much bigger house and have much higher expenses due to that.

*I am realy missing sleeping and I wonder if I have the patients to do it all again.

* My DH realy likes the idea of an international adoption after the eldest (any maybe second) has left the house and I have to agree it appeals to my humanitarian side.

*With me now home schooling the kids I am worried about how disruptive a new baby and pregnancy realy is. I know being pregnant knocks me for a loop and I don't want to do that to the kids when they relly on me to get them out of the house.

*I am getting anxious to start volunteering and learning again and I find communtiy involvment with a small baby hard. Related, I want to travel and that is also hard with a baby, or even young toddler realy.

*I became realy overweight with the last one and I am having a bear of a time slimming down this time, how much harder will it be with the next one

So, thats all I can think of, opinions?


MM

[TurboClaudia]

When I was reading your pros and cons, I thought of a story my friend told me...

She and her husband had 4 children (3 boys (a twin set included!) and a girl) and the kids were all old enough to sit at the table for dinnertime. Except that she kept setting the table for 7 people. Repeatedly. She said that she realized that their family was not quite complete. So they decided to have another baby. It was a boy, and according to her, he is the one that keeps the family connected. They are all grown now (youngest is in his early 20s) and live in varying locations (Rocky Mountains, Southwest, Pacific Northwest), but she still says the youngest is the one that instigates the staying in touch.

I thought that was a sweet story, and I just wanted to share...

warmly,
claudia

[SageRibbon]

Re: I think we have decided to stop

I wanted to address some of your cons.

First of all, I think it is wonderful you are giving this so much thought and consideration. You are not just acting "on a whim or a hormone". As my DH says.

I totally get you on the vehicle. It is sad that we don't live in a society that is conducive to walking. I think about this all the time. I wish that everything wasn't located in a big concrete jungle that requires a car to get to.

About the age difference. My younger sister and I are 13 years apart. We have a wonderful relationship! Growing up, I took a motherly and sisterly role which caused great joy and strife at the same time. But siblings will argue regardless of age. Don't you worry a bit about that.

About the "replacing ourselves plus one" conundrum. I assume you are speaking about population growth? I wouldn't keep myself up at night worrying about that. There are tons of child-free people out there that will more than make up for your breeding.

I love the idea of adoption! But, if you decide you just don't have the energy or patience, then adoption wouldn't be the right choice. You want to give that kid all you've got.

You are awesome for homeschooling. What a wonderful family you would be bringing a little one into. You have already got your system for schooling in place...it might be easier than you think now that you are an expert.


All that being said (can you tell I love babies?) I think you should sit down with hubby and decide together. I don't know if you are a spiritual person but it is definately a factor for most people. I find that a little prayer, a little yoga, and a little quiet meditation clears my head right up.

Let us know what you decide! I'm sorry if I babbled at you a little too much here...dd is asleep so I am typing like mad and not always coherently!

[momsgotmilk4two]

It might sound overly simplistic, but maybe if you just table it for awhile and don't dwell on it too much, the answer will come to you. Dh and I had this discussion just 2 months ago. I told him I would like one more child (this after I had an IUD put in 4 months prior and we were talking like we weren't going to have anymore). We had just moved into a bigger place that could hold 3 kids if we wanted them, and I decided I wanted one more. Dh was not sure at all, didn't sound too enthused, so I just told him that we didn't need to talk about it right now, that he could just have some time to think and I would just have to be okay with whatever he decided. Two weeks later, he told me that he wanted one too! We are planning on tcc sometime within the next 6 months or so. Maybe if you just give yourself some time, not to weigh the pros and cons, but to just open up and listen to your heart, you will find the answer.

[Mamajamz]

I hate to chime in after what Kari said. I so agree. But...since I'm thinking about these things too I already have some thoughts rollin' around in my head.
On the one hand, I think there is never a perfect time or circumstance for a new baby. I think babies create their own space for themselves.
On the other hand, your practical reasons make a lot of sense. I am pregnant with our third, due in a coupla weeks. I'm already feeling the pangs of knowing I won't have another but I know the specific reasons why "I'm DONE". (going back to school, getting older, wanting to move onto other things, needing to work, difficult pregnancies, etc.) And yet there's this other part that tugs at me to "complete the set". I have a girl and a boy now, and one on the way. My brain keeps saying..."wouldn't it be neat to have 2 of each...?"
Truthfully, I think that on a deep philosophical level we are never quite ready to hand over our powers of reproductive energy. I think some of us are able to stay in our practical minds and experience more clarity about this issue. But maybe for those of us who are dreamers and possibility thinkers it's hard to say no to the incredible wonder of co-creating. I'm going way out on a limb here, so pardon my musings. There is something so deeply satisfying and awe-inspiring about creating life. Nothing else we do on earth compares. I know for myself I'm in the throes of having to deal with this. I just can't agree with DH for him to go get snipped. EEEK! Not yet! Not ready! NO way! I wonder if I will always wonder about number 4--enough to be pregnant again and go through all this again in my 40s??

So I spiral back down to what was so beautifully said before this post about waiting and living into the answer, and trusting that it will come to you.

Peace to you.