UGH. I'm in a place I really never imagined I'd be (again).
I have OCD -- for years and years and years I thought I was just someone who worried too much. It was always clear to others that I was an anxious person, but I hid about 90% of what was REALLY going on. Even when I tried therapy, I never told the therapists how bad I really was and how crazy I really felt.
It started when I was 12 (although there were signs earlier as well). I used to worry that I was pregnant (never mind the fact that I had never even been kissed, let alone had sex). I was afraid that someone drugged and raped me when I was at the bus stop or walking to the store -- and that I got pregnant. Then I worried that no one would believe that I was really drugged and raped and they'd tell me it was my fault. Then when I'd get my period every month, I'd feel about a nanosecond of relief and then start thinking about the story I'd heard about a woman who got her period the entire time she was pregnant. Every time I heard a story about a pregnant teen -- I used to think it was a sign from God telling me I was in the same position. This obsession continued until I was about 17 or 18 (so 5 or 6 years of thinking about it every.single.day).
Then I went to college and became terrified that I was really gay, but I didn't know it. Now, on the spectrum of gay-straight, I'm pretty damn far to the straight side. To this day, I've still never felt any desire or attraction for a female. Yet, I spent the years from 18 - 23 in a state of panic that I was really gay and was just repressing it. I monitored every sexual feeling I had to see if I was able to reassure myself. I knew in my heart that I was not gay, but I couldn't shake the fear. I spent about 80 to 90% of every waking moment thinking about this. Like my pregnancy fears, every blip of information about homosexuality seemed like a sign of God telling me I really was gay. 0
There have been more -- I spent several years worrying about HIV, despite multiple negative tests. I spent several years worrying that I was infertile and fearing my boyfriend (now DH) would leave me if I told him that my GYN suspected I had a fibroid. I spent several years worrying that he'd also leave if he knew my credit wasn't great. I've also worried that I was the driver in a hit-and-run accident and that I buried the body somewhere and then repressed the memory. The worries go on and on -- one of the most debilitating ones is fear of illness, which is where I am right now. I get into these places where I'm convinced I have some sort of horrible cancer -- in the past year, I've worried obsessively about colon cancer, ovarian cancer, skin cancer, and lung cancer. The compulsive part of the OCD is that I spend HOURS checking my body for signs or symptoms of disease and HOURS of time online reading about the diseases I'm currently fearing. Plus, I also have had times of really strong reliance on "signs" -- i.e., if the light turns green before I brake, then I don't have HIV (or I'm not, gay, pregnant, infertile, a criminal, ect.). I've even been known to go through intersections again just to test the "signs".
Like I said, I've been in therapy before but I've always hid how bizarre my worries actually were and, until recently, I'd never told anyone about my compulsions. My OCD has gotten to the point where I'm not able to focus on my husband or children (or anything else for that matter). All I think about is how to get some sort of reassurance and relief from my obsessions. Even when I may *look* like I'm not obsessing, I usually really am -- it's like there are 2 of me, the one who is having a seemingly normal conversation with you and the one who is in a state of pure panic on the inside. During my college days, this lead to a really severe bout with depersonalization -- that was an awful time.
So, like many people on MDC, I am disinclined to jump to pharmaceuticals. I rarely use them for anything else, and I generally believe that most ailments can be treated with nutrition and a decent amount of exercise. But - I feel like the amount of time and energy I would need to put into playing with my diet (which is already quite good) and taking extra supplements and getting enough energy is just beyond me right now. I am just tired of being worried, tired of feeling like I can't focus on anything, tired of not ever being fully engaged with my family, just tired of feeling this way. I want to feel better. I did use zoloft briefly, after my DD was born, to help manage some severe PPD (and what I now know was an exacerbation of my OCD). It was OK, but I hated the idea that I was taking it.
I have found a wonderful therapist and I'm doing work on that front -- she has a very spiritual and holistic attitude, but even she suggested that I may need some meds to help for a while and that I can worry about going off them when I'm stronger and have better insight and coping skills (from the therapy).
So, has anyone ever used an SSRI to treat OCD? Unfortunately, my insurance won't cover a psychiatrist (crappy policy) so I have to see my family practice doctor and I don't know how well-versed she is in this stuff. The good news is that my graduate degree is in behavioral neuroscience and I used to work in the pharmaceutical industry (which is exactly why I DIDN'T want to take meds in the first place). But -- I have a greater understanding of the drugs than most (at least with regard to how they treat depression and generalized anxiety), I just don't know much about how they're used for OCD.
Anyone have any suggestions?
I have OCD -- for years and years and years I thought I was just someone who worried too much. It was always clear to others that I was an anxious person, but I hid about 90% of what was REALLY going on. Even when I tried therapy, I never told the therapists how bad I really was and how crazy I really felt.
It started when I was 12 (although there were signs earlier as well). I used to worry that I was pregnant (never mind the fact that I had never even been kissed, let alone had sex). I was afraid that someone drugged and raped me when I was at the bus stop or walking to the store -- and that I got pregnant. Then I worried that no one would believe that I was really drugged and raped and they'd tell me it was my fault. Then when I'd get my period every month, I'd feel about a nanosecond of relief and then start thinking about the story I'd heard about a woman who got her period the entire time she was pregnant. Every time I heard a story about a pregnant teen -- I used to think it was a sign from God telling me I was in the same position. This obsession continued until I was about 17 or 18 (so 5 or 6 years of thinking about it every.single.day).
Then I went to college and became terrified that I was really gay, but I didn't know it. Now, on the spectrum of gay-straight, I'm pretty damn far to the straight side. To this day, I've still never felt any desire or attraction for a female. Yet, I spent the years from 18 - 23 in a state of panic that I was really gay and was just repressing it. I monitored every sexual feeling I had to see if I was able to reassure myself. I knew in my heart that I was not gay, but I couldn't shake the fear. I spent about 80 to 90% of every waking moment thinking about this. Like my pregnancy fears, every blip of information about homosexuality seemed like a sign of God telling me I really was gay. 0
There have been more -- I spent several years worrying about HIV, despite multiple negative tests. I spent several years worrying that I was infertile and fearing my boyfriend (now DH) would leave me if I told him that my GYN suspected I had a fibroid. I spent several years worrying that he'd also leave if he knew my credit wasn't great. I've also worried that I was the driver in a hit-and-run accident and that I buried the body somewhere and then repressed the memory. The worries go on and on -- one of the most debilitating ones is fear of illness, which is where I am right now. I get into these places where I'm convinced I have some sort of horrible cancer -- in the past year, I've worried obsessively about colon cancer, ovarian cancer, skin cancer, and lung cancer. The compulsive part of the OCD is that I spend HOURS checking my body for signs or symptoms of disease and HOURS of time online reading about the diseases I'm currently fearing. Plus, I also have had times of really strong reliance on "signs" -- i.e., if the light turns green before I brake, then I don't have HIV (or I'm not, gay, pregnant, infertile, a criminal, ect.). I've even been known to go through intersections again just to test the "signs".
Like I said, I've been in therapy before but I've always hid how bizarre my worries actually were and, until recently, I'd never told anyone about my compulsions. My OCD has gotten to the point where I'm not able to focus on my husband or children (or anything else for that matter). All I think about is how to get some sort of reassurance and relief from my obsessions. Even when I may *look* like I'm not obsessing, I usually really am -- it's like there are 2 of me, the one who is having a seemingly normal conversation with you and the one who is in a state of pure panic on the inside. During my college days, this lead to a really severe bout with depersonalization -- that was an awful time.
So, like many people on MDC, I am disinclined to jump to pharmaceuticals. I rarely use them for anything else, and I generally believe that most ailments can be treated with nutrition and a decent amount of exercise. But - I feel like the amount of time and energy I would need to put into playing with my diet (which is already quite good) and taking extra supplements and getting enough energy is just beyond me right now. I am just tired of being worried, tired of feeling like I can't focus on anything, tired of not ever being fully engaged with my family, just tired of feeling this way. I want to feel better. I did use zoloft briefly, after my DD was born, to help manage some severe PPD (and what I now know was an exacerbation of my OCD). It was OK, but I hated the idea that I was taking it.
I have found a wonderful therapist and I'm doing work on that front -- she has a very spiritual and holistic attitude, but even she suggested that I may need some meds to help for a while and that I can worry about going off them when I'm stronger and have better insight and coping skills (from the therapy).
So, has anyone ever used an SSRI to treat OCD? Unfortunately, my insurance won't cover a psychiatrist (crappy policy) so I have to see my family practice doctor and I don't know how well-versed she is in this stuff. The good news is that my graduate degree is in behavioral neuroscience and I used to work in the pharmaceutical industry (which is exactly why I DIDN'T want to take meds in the first place). But -- I have a greater understanding of the drugs than most (at least with regard to how they treat depression and generalized anxiety), I just don't know much about how they're used for OCD.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Absolutely agree with the books to get above. I have severe OCD and tried many things to no avail. I hate taking Zoloft 100mg, but I do...mainly because we're TTC and I had to make the hard decision to weigh the risks and benefits of taking Zoloft. I've read some recent research about how under severe stress our bodies secrete chemicals that can cause m/c. I've had two in '08, not saying it was because of stress, but there is that possibility. I seriously had internal vibrations (from stress) everyday and lived in constant fear (the what-if's were driving me insane)
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