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parenting, to each their own or up for debate? - Page 2

Poll Results: check all options that you think SHOULD be acceptable to comment on.

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 10% (74)
    Breast feeding
  • 5% (42)
    Co sleeping
  • 6% (44)
    baby wearing
  • 17% (129)
    CIO
  • 20% (151)
    Spanking
  • 10% (74)
    introducing Solids
  • 6% (44)
    eating habits post weaning
  • 5% (37)
    Vaccinations (others shouldn't do it)
  • 4% (33)
    Vaccinations (others should do it)
  • 14% (103)
    these and others should be open to discussion. no one has a right to be eternally unchallenged.
731 Total Votes  
post #21 of 204
When you say "open to discussion" are you talking about approaching strangers who do things "wrongly" as you see it? Or discussing these misguided parents with friends, or on internet forums with like-minded strangers, or raising these topics with people who ask, or if the situation comes up. Or what, exactly?

Because these are all totally different situations.
post #22 of 204
I say everything is up for commenting. my rule of thumb is to pay attention to when, where and how.

-online i will comment on anything. if you don't want a comment, don't put it up there. it's a forum.

-in real life, i will only comment if the person is asking for advice or if i think i can get a word in compassionately.

-only exception to #2 is if i think things are being misrepresented or people are being misled for example, if a couple mamas are saying cio is amazing and a newer mama is sitting there soaking it in, i'll speakup.

i've learned some of the best things simply by people making a comment. i don't see what the issue is. if you don't know there's a choice, how will you go looking for it online or in a book???
post #23 of 204
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
When you say "open to discussion" are you talking about approaching strangers who do things "wrongly" as you see it? Or discussing these misguided parents with friends, or on internet forums with like-minded strangers, or raising these topics with people who ask, or if the situation comes up. Or what, exactly?

Because these are all totally different situations.
i was thinking of raising topics with people who ask or if the situation comes up. they are the only ones who know why they parent a certain way and the only way to let someone know there are other ways is to tell them. i think being respectful, asking questions, sharing experiences etc is a good way to learn. lecturing is pointless and rude and talking to other people about it doesn't affect anything but how you feel about it... which is fine but if your not going to talk to the person then you are only talking to make yourself feel better.

approaching strangers is weird and inappropriate. you don't know what they do or why they do it. your more likely to freak people out, turn them off completely, or make someone feel guilty for something they had no control over.

i don't see anything good coming from discussing other people with friends.. esp. mutual friends. i mean i guess you could tell a friend about something you saw or talked about but if it is a mutual friend you better be willing to take the heat for whatever you say and if it is someone they don't know i am not sure why they would care.

on the internet with like minded people is fine in a general sense i think. everyone needs to vent and sometimes it is a good way to get some perspective. it is also a good way to practice appropriate and effective ways of voicing our opinions so that we can have a discussion without being insulting and rude. it is also limiting if everyone agrees with you.. differing opinions help us learn and gain perspective.
post #24 of 204
I didn't vote.
I don't think people will never change and grow if I don't give my opinion or question everything they do.
I don't think these are things I feel are so clearly "this is right for everyone" and "this is wrong for everyone". I don't think they are off limits for discussion ever but unless the other person is asking for advice or wants to discuss the topic I'm going to keep my opinions to myself.

I don't discuss parenting a lot IRL.
post #25 of 204
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat View Post
I didn't vote.
I don't think people will never change and grow if I don't give my opinion or question everything they do.
I don't think these are things I feel are so clearly "this is right for everyone" and "this is wrong for everyone". I don't think they are off limits for discussion ever but unless the other person is asking for advice or wants to discuss the topic I'm going to keep my opinions to myself.

I don't discuss parenting a lot IRL.
if someone gave you advice would you say something along the lines of "oh we do what works for our family" or "thanks for your opinion" or would you consider that an appropriate situation in which to give your opinion? not critical btw.. i'm just curious. b/c i agree that in most situations different things are right for different people so you don't want to railroad people but if they offer you advice would you think it was ok to offer your own opinion or no? i know there are many right ways and right reasons that are specific to each family, is there anything that you would never consider right? for me that is spanking but i know some might disagree
post #26 of 204
A lot of my close friends had babies after I did. I share my own experiences with breastfeeding, CLW, co-sleeping, ECing, babywearing, etc. I share any resources I have...books, studies, etc and let people know how well things have worked for our family.

Most of my friends don't follow through on this kind of stuff like I want them to. At least they have the info though.

Also, I would never in a million years thought to continue breastfeeding my first child past 1YO if my neighbor hadn't mentioned nursing her child as a toddler. This normalized the behavior enough for me and she is still nursing at 3.5!
post #27 of 204
Quote:
Originally Posted by LuxPerpetua View Post
My wish is that the media would be more broad in it's portrayal of parenting. ... What I would like to foresee is having more AP and natural-minded parenting views presented alongside the mainstream views in magazines, books, television, and especially in doctors offices (how many times have we all witnessed doctors giving out parenting advice as opposed to medical advice?). I personally don't think AP is right for every family situation but it would be nice for more families to be aware of it. That, to me, is the real crux of the issue.
:


Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
only exception to #2 is if i think things are being misrepresented or people are being misled for example, if a couple mamas are saying cio is amazing and a newer mama is sitting there soaking it in, i'll speakup.
If I consider commenting, it's not usually for the benefit of the person I'm having a discussion with, but for the by stander, listening in, who isn't participating likely because they haven't formed an opinion yet. I learned a lot about parenting and baby care by attending mothers' groups and watching the other moms and listening to their discussions. Luckily, it was a fairly crunchy bunch, with nursing past a year, co sleeping, no formula, babywearing, etc. not being unusual.

I have a hard time not commenting if I think someone is spreading misinformation, though. And I find that there is a double standard (though it might be my bias towards AP). I've heard women talk about the non-AP things they had to do, as though there were no other choice, and if someone suggests an alternative, they get upset and say it's no one else's business. But people can jump to conclusions about my parenting and challenge the safety of cosleeping or babywearing or delaying solids, and I have to just smile and answer them politely, and if I point out the problems that these things solve, I'm somehow attacking them.
post #28 of 204
OH yeah, if I'm in a group and moms are talking about something, I'll say, "Oh, well what I do is . . . . " Or something. I won't just sit and not contribute. That's a different situation than giving someone unsolicited advice when you see them doing something you disagree with, though. And yes I do internally judge, and I make my choices based on that - like how much time I want to spend with someone, whether my dd can play at their house, etc. But that's an internal judgment.
post #29 of 204
when I comment its not for the sake of bystanders, myself, or the offender. its for the sake of a child who is being treated like than human.
post #30 of 204
I couldn't vote since my option wasn't there. I only talk about parenting choices when I'm asked. It's not a normal conversation I would have on purpose. Now if somebody asks me what worked for me, then of course I'll tell them, but I don't bring it up. Even if somebody is talking about their choices and they differ from mine, I don't add to the conversation.
post #31 of 204
I already posted but wanted to clarify, I do not offer my opinion ever really...because I get sick and flipping tired of DH's family criticizing everything that DH and I do.

"Oh, isn't she a bit old to still do **that**?" Re bf'ing (even though my DS bf'ed until he was over 2)

"Oh, she looks so uncomfortable to be in her carseat like that! I think she'd rather be the other direction to see the world!" (Re my DD still rf)

"I feel so bad for such-and-such homeschooled child! They have no friends because their homeschooled. Ya know, DH's Uncle/Brother thinks that homeschooling is CHILD ABUSE, and I mostly agree with him!" (even though they know we intend to homeschool)

"I'm so glad that I got to feed B and M and K." (since my kids were bf'ed and never took a bottle)

"C and J let B cry for a little bit and ya know, he will just climb up the stairs when he's ready for bed! They just shut the door and he goes right to sleep." (like it's the most wonderful thing ever **shudder**, to which I reply "Oh, I could NEVER let my kids cry in a cold dark room wanting me, that's just so sad..." I was tempted to pull the CHILD ABUSE line since C is the one who said hs'ing is child abuse)

etc etc etc...
post #32 of 204
I would comment on any of those topics if they came up, but it is as others have said it is how you comment that is most important. Parenting is a sensitive topic, so you have to be more careful about discussing it IMO, but you can have a civil discussion about anything if all parties are willing. If you make your comment and the other person/people are not open to listening on that topic, then there isn't any point in continuing further with them, though others did point out if there are people listening that aren't speaking, it can be worth continuing for their benefit. Also, you have to be willing to listen too which can be hard. I try to be good about that myself, but I do not always succeed.
post #33 of 204
Thread Starter 
i forgot circ! thats a big one but its one i pretty much never talk about since infant foreskin isn't exactly everyday mom talk. ok well i don't talk about any of this most of the time b/c i don't know any moms IRL whose kids are younger then mine.. my friends pg but thats really it.

soooo circ.... would you, have you, and how on earth would it come up?
post #34 of 204
Thread Starter 
everyone keeps saying if it comes up or someone asks their opinion.... how else would you talk about it? i can't imagine ambushing some poor unsuspecting person who is minding their own business at the grocery store or something. has this happened to any of you? b/c that would inappropriate IMO ... not to mention just weird.
post #35 of 204
Didn't vote , but my answer is that it depends on the situaation and the people involved, I think it's NEVER OK to go to a complete stranger in the mall and yell at them for not BF, BW, letting their baby cry or whatever they are doing that is wronk in your parenting eyes.
post #36 of 204
I make it a point not to comment on others choices about any of these things unsolicited. If a friend ASKS my opinion, I'll give it; likewise on MDC threads. But not otherwise. I make judgements for myself, I'll make supportive comments to friends, I might not be interested in being friends with people who do some of them, but I don't make comments. It has to be illegal before I would comment unsolicitedly.

On the CIO, I've refused to visit family members currently doing CIO. It would be too emotionally distressing for me to listen to a baby cry. But DD has 5 yo old friends who CIO as babies. I'm not going to bar the friendship or ignore the mom. If she's pg, I let her know we never did CIO and look, DD sleeps fine in her own bed, to get the gears turning. (And the mom was talking about how hard CIO was and how she was dreading it).
post #37 of 204
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
everyone keeps saying if it comes up or someone asks their opinion.... how else would you talk about it? i can't imagine ambushing some poor unsuspecting person who is minding their own business at the grocery store or something. has this happened to any of you? b/c that would inappropriate IMO ... not to mention just weird.
Um, YES! There are threads about it all the time! It's happened to me some.
post #38 of 204
Believe it or not circumcision does come up and I make sure to be very clear that it's wrong and there's no way in hell I'd let someone take a scapel to my sons' (or daughter's for that matter) genitals nor is it my right to do so. Circumcision is not just another parenting decision. Circumcision also isn't a crunchy versus mainstream thing but a human right's violation. Most people I know who leave their sons intact aren't crunchy or AP really.
I do make myself bring it up with anyone I know who is going to have children, it's too important not to imo.
post #39 of 204
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EviesMom View Post
Um, YES! There are threads about it all the time! It's happened to me some.
well yeah but i just never imagined it happened so much... i mean thats just so inappropriate.
post #40 of 204
I haven't read the responses yet, but I voted for the last choice with the caveat that I will only discuss when asked for my opinion. For example, this morning, a coworker just returned from maternity leave and during the course of our baby discussion, she told me she was FFing by choice. She didn't ask my opinion, so I kept my mouth shut and continued with our conversation. Had she asked me for advice or for my opinion, I would have commented, but she didn't, so I didn't.

If I thought someone was crossing the line into abuse, however, I would say something. Immediately.
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