I'm visiting my family from out of town and staying with my dad and step mom right now and had an incidence with ds and with my step mom today that I would like some advice on.
Ds woke up and wanted to watch a movie, so I let him. Part way through, I had him come to the table and eat breakfast while he watched, which he did but he didn't eat much. When the movie ended, he asked to watch another one and I told him no and that I wanted him to eat his breaskfast first. He got upset and started saying that he didn't want to eat, he wanted to watch a movie. My step mom then told him that he wasn't going to get another movie until he finished eating, to which he replied that he was full. He kept going on and on about wanting to watch a movie. I told him no again, to which he started yelling at me. My step mom said to him "You don't talk to Mommy that way" to which he yelled "Yes". He then came over to me and was tugging on me/trying to push me off my chair and trying to go put a movie in and yelling/getting upset at me that he wanted to watch a movie and didn't want to do any of the things I suggested he could do. I eventually got him down to the room we were staying in and he nursed and calmed down.
Later my step-mom asked me if I always let him talk that way to me. She told me that I shouldn't let him talk back to me and be so disrespectful and I said, "well, he's only 3!". She gave me this big long lecture on how I needed to start when he's young to teach him to be respectful and how if I don't start now, then when? She asked if I thought it was okay for him to yell at me, completely disregard me telling him he couldn't do something, and pushing me. She told me how my step-sister gets down on my 3 year old nieces level and says "S, you do not talk to Mommy that way. It hurts my feelings. Please say sorry." and that I should do the same. She went on and on about how I need to 'nip this behaviour in the bud" now because when ds is a teenager, it's only going to get worse. I need to teach him to talk nicely to me, as well as to all adults, and that I should not let him get away with not talking nice. Kids need boundaries, ect, ect.
I just sat and listened and didn't know what to say. It's hard to have your parenting come under attack and I know that there is nothing I could have changed her opinion. I've always felt that you teach respect by being treating respectfully, not by demanding/forcing it. I've heard many parents say to their kids not to talk to them a certain way but I've never once been bothered by the way ds talks to me, for the most part. I will ask him to ask for things nicely if he is demanding I do/get something, but that's about it.
But the more I think about it, the more I am wondering if some of what she is saying is true. Maybe I am being too relaxed with the way ds talks to me when I say no. He gets really upset when he does get his on way and will go on and on about how what he wants is a good idea and will say "no, mommy" a lot, and yell at me. I don't give in and let him do what he wants to do when he's like this, but I also let him yell at me. I've always looked at it as his way to vent his frustration with not getting his own way.
What's your take on this? Should I be trying to teach ds to 'talk nicely' to me? Do you do anything when your kids yell at you when they are upset? How do you respond to what other people call "talking back"?
Ds woke up and wanted to watch a movie, so I let him. Part way through, I had him come to the table and eat breakfast while he watched, which he did but he didn't eat much. When the movie ended, he asked to watch another one and I told him no and that I wanted him to eat his breaskfast first. He got upset and started saying that he didn't want to eat, he wanted to watch a movie. My step mom then told him that he wasn't going to get another movie until he finished eating, to which he replied that he was full. He kept going on and on about wanting to watch a movie. I told him no again, to which he started yelling at me. My step mom said to him "You don't talk to Mommy that way" to which he yelled "Yes". He then came over to me and was tugging on me/trying to push me off my chair and trying to go put a movie in and yelling/getting upset at me that he wanted to watch a movie and didn't want to do any of the things I suggested he could do. I eventually got him down to the room we were staying in and he nursed and calmed down.
Later my step-mom asked me if I always let him talk that way to me. She told me that I shouldn't let him talk back to me and be so disrespectful and I said, "well, he's only 3!". She gave me this big long lecture on how I needed to start when he's young to teach him to be respectful and how if I don't start now, then when? She asked if I thought it was okay for him to yell at me, completely disregard me telling him he couldn't do something, and pushing me. She told me how my step-sister gets down on my 3 year old nieces level and says "S, you do not talk to Mommy that way. It hurts my feelings. Please say sorry." and that I should do the same. She went on and on about how I need to 'nip this behaviour in the bud" now because when ds is a teenager, it's only going to get worse. I need to teach him to talk nicely to me, as well as to all adults, and that I should not let him get away with not talking nice. Kids need boundaries, ect, ect.
I just sat and listened and didn't know what to say. It's hard to have your parenting come under attack and I know that there is nothing I could have changed her opinion. I've always felt that you teach respect by being treating respectfully, not by demanding/forcing it. I've heard many parents say to their kids not to talk to them a certain way but I've never once been bothered by the way ds talks to me, for the most part. I will ask him to ask for things nicely if he is demanding I do/get something, but that's about it.
But the more I think about it, the more I am wondering if some of what she is saying is true. Maybe I am being too relaxed with the way ds talks to me when I say no. He gets really upset when he does get his on way and will go on and on about how what he wants is a good idea and will say "no, mommy" a lot, and yell at me. I don't give in and let him do what he wants to do when he's like this, but I also let him yell at me. I've always looked at it as his way to vent his frustration with not getting his own way.
What's your take on this? Should I be trying to teach ds to 'talk nicely' to me? Do you do anything when your kids yell at you when they are upset? How do you respond to what other people call "talking back"?
Seriously, he's in a new place, he was pissed that he couldn't watch another movie, you're pregnant, etc.
We're all so different.
It's just not ok to get all bat sh** crazy on people. That's the breaking point for us. That's when it's time to take a time out.
) "He's probably hungry!" "He's got gas!" "There's something wrong with him!" or my all-time least favorite (the one that instigated primal rage in me) "What did Mama do?!" 
There were several occasions in those first months where I snapped and said, "Seriously, back off! I don't want to hear it right now!" But I eventually regretted taking the advice as a personal attack on my maternal competence... Because it wasn't. They were all just trying to help my baby be happy again, and there's nothing wrong with that! Eventually I stopped taking it personally, and ever since, I've been a more confident Mama when the public melt-downs do happen. Not to say it doesn't ever make me cringe a little when they do offer it, especially when it's something like "You need to get him on a bottle!" or "You'll have to give him a good paddling or he'll never learn". But I can usually contain myself knowing where their advice comes from.
