Books/ ideas for a spirited toddler...HELP!

[nummies]

Title pretty much says it all. I have a non-verbal, 2 year old who is very spirited. So much so that I think that spirited doesn't describe him.

Anyway, we can't take him anywhere because of how he behaves. He runs our house and our lives with his tantrums. And yes, I know that tantrums are normal for this age, but he takes it to the extreme.

So I need a good book or some good discipline ideas that will help me out. I am pregnant with twins and really need to get this behavior under control before they arrive.

I love this kid with all my heart, but some days, I just can't control him.

[lrgs]

Where's that eating popcorn icon when you need it?

[lindsayjean]

My 2 y.o. DD is VERY spirited. What worked WONDERS for us, I randomly discovered amidst yet another tantrum (and her tantrums are never small...). I always try to just be there next to her and comfort her or talk to her, but that was NOT working. She would just get more upset and freak out more if I were anywhere near her or HEAVEN FORBID I say anything. So I took her to her room and told her that she just needed a little breather and that this was a safe place where she could feel better and that she could come find me when she was feeling better. I *never* forced her to stay there, but AMAZINGLY she stays in her bed (toddler bed- where she wanted to be) until she feels better and she comes out of her room a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHILD- just happy and smiling. It's the strangest thing. I am totally against time outs, but for some reason my child just needs to be alone and work out her feelings herself. My DD is very verbal though so she actually asks me for breathers when she is feeling angry. I always make sure to tell her that her feelings are not wrong but that it makes mommy sad when I get screamed at or hit or whatever.

Also if she demands something when she's mad I gently tell her "mommy can't understand you when you are screaming, can you please ask me nicely?"

I felt guilty for a while- almost like I wasn't being "gentle enough" with my parenting because my daughter needed her space, etc, but I realized that I *am* being gentle, but I am also following her lead and doing things the way SHE needs them done. I'm not going to sit next to her during a tantrum if it just makes her more mad. I think gentle discipline is about listening to your childs needs and parenting/disciplining them accordingly while at the same time validating their feelings.

One last thing. When my DD does something that is hurtful to someone else or me I always tell her about how it makes the other person feel. VS. the "don't do that" that a lot of parents do. Now all I have to do is tell her how something makes someone feel and she is very in tune and wants to listen because of how it makes others feel. For a while I didn't think this was having an effect on her at all, but now she responds so quickly to that- sometimes it just takes a while maybe? At the library I told her that it would make the librarians very happy if she would help pick up the toys so they wouldn't have to clean them all up and she happily picks them up because YAY it's making them happy (vs the power struggle I watch as other parents try to force their kids to pick up their toys).

Good luck!! Gentle discipline definitely takes more creativity, ESPECIALLY with a spirited child, but I think it will MAJORLY pay of in the long run!

[ssh]

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is a great book. I got it at our library, but I'm ordering a couple of copies from Amazon when it's in the budget. I know another parent whose DD is also spirited. I read a couple of other books on the topic but they weren't as useful or as respectful to children in their approach as Kurcinka's book. The book not only helps you understand and respond to your child, but identify situations that are likely to cause problems so you can avoid tantrums.

[nummies]

Originally Posted by lindsayjean

My 2 y.o. DD is VERY spirited. What worked WONDERS for us, I randomly discovered amidst yet another tantrum (and her tantrums are never small...). I always try to just be there next to her and comfort her or talk to her, but that was NOT working. She would just get more upset and freak out more if I were anywhere near her or HEAVEN FORBID I say anything. So I took her to her room and told her that she just needed a little breather and that this was a safe place where she could feel better and that she could come find me when she was feeling better. I *never* forced her to stay there, but AMAZINGLY she stays in her bed (toddler bed- where she wanted to be) until she feels better and she comes out of her room a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHILD- just happy and smiling. It's the strangest thing. I am totally against time outs, but for some reason my child just needs to be alone and work out her feelings herself. My DD is very verbal though so she actually asks me for breathers when she is feeling angry. I always make sure to tell her that her feelings are not wrong but that it makes mommy sad when I get screamed at or hit or whatever.

Also if she demands something when she's mad I gently tell her "mommy can't understand you when you are screaming, can you please ask me nicely?"

I felt guilty for a while- almost like I wasn't being "gentle enough" with my parenting because my daughter needed her space, etc, but I realized that I *am* being gentle, but I am also following her lead and doing things the way SHE needs them done. I'm not going to sit next to her during a tantrum if it just makes her more mad. I think gentle discipline is about listening to your childs needs and parenting/disciplining them accordingly while at the same time validating their feelings.

One last thing. When my DD does something that is hurtful to someone else or me I always tell her about how it makes the other person feel. VS. the "don't do that" that a lot of parents do. Now all I have to do is tell her how something makes someone feel and she is very in tune and wants to listen because of how it makes others feel. For a while I didn't think this was having an effect on her at all, but now she responds so quickly to that- sometimes it just takes a while maybe? At the library I told her that it would make the librarians very happy if she would help pick up the toys so they wouldn't have to clean them all up and she happily picks them up because YAY it's making them happy (vs the power struggle I watch as other parents try to force their kids to pick up their toys).

Good luck!! Gentle discipline definitely takes more creativity, ESPECIALLY with a spirited child, but I think it will MAJORLY pay of in the long run!

Thanks for your perspective. My DS needs his space as well. Although it is hard for me to explain that to him because he just doesn't have that level of understanding yet. But I did notice that sitting next to him wasn't doing him any good so I tell him that I love him and leave the room. Sometimes he comes and finds me, sometimes he just lays there and cries. It breaks my heart but there is literally nothing that I can do for him when he is like that.

Our problem is two-fold. Lack of speech and understanding AND hyperactivity. I feel like I could handle one thing at a time but both together is sending me over the edge. I have him in speech therapy and it is helping some, but not nearly fast enough...

Originally Posted by ssh

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is a great book. I got it at our library, but I'm ordering a couple of copies from Amazon when it's in the budget. I know another parent whose DD is also spirited. I read a couple of other books on the topic but they weren't as useful or as respectful to children in their approach as Kurcinka's book. The book not only helps you understand and respond to your child, but identify situations that are likely to cause problems so you can avoid tantrums.

Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I will check that out!

[Norasmomma]

I'm another vote for Raising Your Spirited Child I currently am reading it for my DD. I can completely commiserate with your situation. I'm not pregnant with twins but am pregnant and OMG her behavior has been magnified since I've been pregnant. The first tri I spent a lot of time yelling.....She wouldn't nap, she was tired, I was tired and having a tired momma and a tired 2 y/o old cooped up in a house isn't the best thing in the world.

I had an incident with her a few weeks back and I just about lost my marbles, she freaked in Home Depot and I ended up having a nervous breakdown in the car after taking her out while DH continued to look for his stuff inside. Dh came out and I was a mess, she was a mess-it was a bad situation.

I came on here for advice and some women directed me toward this book reading it is helping me understand her behavior more. It is very insightful. My DD is many of the things she describes, energetic, persistant, keenly observant. I have been so frustrated because of of how she is at times, and how one else has understood her behavior. After doing her little quiz of the definition of "spirited" it's obvious she is, and well so am I, so is her dad. I was a spirited child, gosh my family wanted my mom to put me on meds, and my grandma said the same thing about DD. Ugh....I totally understand. Get this book it can help communicate in a more productive manner. HTH.