Women of Color #13 - Page 2

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by Brown Lioness

I would say i didnt hit "the doldrums" concerning my naps until I started freeforming SEVEN YEARS into locking my hair lol. I had to get used to my thickening root bed and how I would have lil fly-aways everywhere and EVERYBODY wanted to ask me when i was going to twist again. I STILL get people asking (like week before last) when Im going to twist again or they'll just ask when Im going to cut my hair (which I guess is understandable since my hair is stretching past my butt now lol).

I was so down and out about my hair and i seriously considered doing a big chop, but i held fast and now my locks have finally "grown into themselves" and back to feeling lovely again.

I dunno what it is tho that makes people think that they can run a commentary on your appearance like that; its just a huge assumption people make when they wanna comment like that.

As a former free-former I agree with you 100%. I had a lot of bad hair days when I was free-forming but it was a journey in more ways than one.

[rootzdawta]

Could I have you ladies' input on this (my thread in personal growth)--either here or there. Thank you.

[olliepop]

Originally Posted by shayinme

All this to say, don't be hard on yourself and brush that woman and her thoughts off.

Shay

I am definitely going to try. Thanks for the BTDT -- sometimes I just need to hear that others have gone through it and have come out stronger and all the better for it. Thanks.

[Sorin]

Ooo, look! Shiney new thread!

Cool new thread, ladies.

I've been going through some weird mental gymnastics lately. Earlier this month, DH and I decided to throw caution to the wind and TTC. Originally, I had wanted to wait until around Oct because I'm an academic working on tenure, and next June I will complete all my tenure requirements. So, I wanted to deliver sometime after that (why yes, I'm a mega-planner, why do you ask?) Anyway, DH and I had some epiphanies and just said forget it! Why wait?! Baby now! We engaged in horizontal hijinxs around ovulation time and here I am two weeks later with my period.

Now here's the weird thing, I'm bummed about it and slightly freaking out about it. Even though I *know* that having a baby in the middle of the semester would be a pain in the a** and make for some sleepless, stressful nights come time to turn in my tenure stuff. I KNOW the timing would be wrong if I got pregnant right now, and yet, I find myself disappointed that I am not.

And in the back of my head, there is that little voice--that little "maybe you waited too long" voice. Today is my birthday, and I am now 36. I was so not ready before, and I know that. But yet . . . And I know that it can take perfectly healthy women up to a year to get pregnant, and yet . . . And I know that statistically, I've still got a couple of good eggs left, and yet . . . And I know that we've only been trying for about TWO WEEKS, and yet . . .

WTF is wrong with me?! I'm normally an intelligent, rational person who all of a sudden has to be talked down from the "I want to be pregnant now!" ledge (even though getting pregnant right now would make spring semester *really* hard!) I've turned into a nutcase--but a very private nutcase because I don't want to share my new-found anxiety with DH because it would really bother him (he is very empathetic and would feel just as anxious as I do if I told him). So, the other day, I must have let something slip because he said, "Are you depressed that you didn't get pregnant?" and I just laughed it off and said no.

So . . . um . . . everything's going to be cool, right? I mean, in the long run everything is going to work out, right? RIGHT?!

[eilonwy]

Yes Sorin, everything will work out. What you're feeling probably has a lot less to do with logic and reason than it does with the fact that your hormones are in 'quiet mode' right now. Lots and lots and LOTS of women (i'd go so far as to say the overwhelming majority) experience a mild, bluesy-feeling when they menstruate, even if it's a perfectly normal, expected period. When you're TTC, it's even worse. You'll feel MUCH better seven to nine days from now. Everything will be upbeat and exciting, strong positive energy, etc.

[purplegirl]

Originally Posted by Sorin

Cool new thread, ladies.

I've been going through some weird mental gymnastics lately. Earlier this month, DH and I decided to throw caution to the wind and TTC. Originally, I had wanted to wait until around Oct because I'm an academic working on tenure, and next June I will complete all my tenure requirements. So, I wanted to deliver sometime after that (why yes, I'm a mega-planner, why do you ask?) Anyway, DH and I had some epiphanies and just said forget it! Why wait?! Baby now! We engaged in horizontal hijinxs around ovulation time and here I am two weeks later with my period.

Now here's the weird thing, I'm bummed about it and slightly freaking out about it. Even though I *know* that having a baby in the middle of the semester would be a pain in the a** and make for some sleepless, stressful nights come time to turn in my tenure stuff. I KNOW the timing would be wrong if I got pregnant right now, and yet, I find myself disappointed that I am not.

And in the back of my head, there is that little voice--that little "maybe you waited too long" voice. Today is my birthday, and I am now 36. I was so not ready before, and I know that. But yet . . . And I know that it can take perfectly healthy women up to a year to get pregnant, and yet . . . And I know that statistically, I've still got a couple of good eggs left, and yet . . . And I know that we've only been trying for about TWO WEEKS, and yet . . .

WTF is wrong with me?! I'm normally an intelligent, rational person who all of a sudden has to be talked down from the "I want to be pregnant now!" ledge (even though getting pregnant right now would make spring semester *really* hard!) I've turned into a nutcase--but a very private nutcase because I don't want to share my new-found anxiety with DH because it would really bother him (he is very empathetic and would feel just as anxious as I do if I told him). So, the other day, I must have let something slip because he said, "Are you depressed that you didn't get pregnant?" and I just laughed it off and said no.

So . . . um . . . everything's going to be cool, right? I mean, in the long run everything is going to work out, right? RIGHT?!

My response is not based on timing, logic or perfect planning. However, as a sista who tried to wait for the perfect time and universal synchronicity, I timed myself out. Go for it mama. It becomes exponentially more difficult to conceive with each passing year. You are still young enough to have viable eggs. Everything will work out;it always does. I wish you the best

[Sorin]

Thanks, eilonwy and Purplegirl, for your comforting words. I really appreciate it! It is funny, Purplegirl, I did have a moment after my period arrived where I said, "Whew! Ok, let me hold off now for a few months so I can aim for that perfectly timed summer baby." But then I kind of woke up and said, "The time for timing is over. Just let go of the control thing. Things will work out as they are meant to work out--either now, later, or never--and I must be at peace with the outcome."

Hugs to you, Purplegirl. I feel your emotions in your post, and I hope that your life eternally overflows with peace and joy.

[Bloomingstar]

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother

Bloomingstar, speaking from experience I would look for a stroller. I live in Houston and it is 110 degrees outside. "If" I were to ever have a baby in Houston, I probably would not babywear. Maybe in the winter, but not for a majority of the year. You will be hot, and the baby hotter. Andrew was miserable in his Ergo once we moved to Houston, and I am from Atlanta so we know heat. Just not 110 degree in June heat.

We love our Maclaren Quest Mod, and it travels quite well.

Yeah, we're gonna go stroller shopping tomorrow. NYC is the second worse place I've lived humidity wise. (nowhere else I've lived tops New Orleans--you get outside for all of 5 seconds and wonder why you bothered to shower since you're already soaking wet ) I've already had a couple sweaty days with the Moby and it's not fun. Facing him outwards helps--but then he won't stop chattering and squeaking at people It's the cutest thing, albeit quite noisy.

My old boss gave us a Maclaren Techno XT but it'd been living in her basement and she must not have known how filthy it was. I mean, I'd never give someone something so dirty. Or at all dirty. I mean it's so bad my DH refuses to touch it, and when I did it looked like I'd been playing in soot. I wish we had a yard so I could hose it down or something. I put it out in the rain today hoping that'd help it a bit. I can't get the padding off. I should probably get a bucket, spray bottle, etc. and keep trying since it's a perfectly good but FILTHY stroller. I'd prefer to have the baby facing in rather than out right now, and DH really wants to win this one and buy a stroller so I'll let him, but I can't seem to give up hope on the dirty one. Now I'm just reading product reviews of strollers...and I CANNOT believe how much a Bugaboo costs, and how many of them I used to see around where my old job is (Brooklyn Heights).

[bajamergrrl]

Lately I've been thinking about mom's groups and playgroups since I'll soon be a mama. I can definitely find a group that's more AP/alternative/crunchy and I can find a group with other WOC. What I can't seem to find is a combination of the two, i.e. a group of WOC that is primarily AP/alternative/crunchy. I know these women must exist in my area since I've seen some brown faces pop up on a local ning site. Well, this got me thinking about why I don't see a lot of WOC mamas who aren't quite so mainstream.

1) Is it because what's considered alternative/crunchy/AP are things that WOC have been doing for a long time and don't think they're doing anything radical?

2) Is it because we feel pressure (subtle or overt) to conform to the predominant culture since we have minority status (in the US)?

3) Is it because alternative/crunchy/AP moms in general are a cultural minority right now and so it makes sense that there would be fewer WOC engaged in that culture?

These are just some of the questions swirling around in my head this morning. I guess I woke up feeling philosophical and reflective about my own upbringing and what led me to my current views . Feel free to expound on the subject...

[Bloomingstar]

Originally Posted by bajamergrrl

Lately I've been thinking about mom's groups and playgroups since I'll soon be a mama. I can definitely find a group that's more AP/alternative/crunchy and I can find a group with other WOC. What I can't seem to find is a combination of the two, i.e. a group of WOC that is primarily AP/alternative/crunchy. I know these women must exist in my area since I've seen some brown faces pop up on a local ning site. Well, this got me thinking about why I don't see a lot of WOC mamas who aren't quite so mainstream.

1) Is it because what's considered alternative/crunchy/AP are things that WOC have been doing for a long time and don't think they're doing anything radical?

2) Is it because we feel pressure (subtle or overt) to conform to the predominant culture since we have minority status (in the US)?

3) Is it because alternative/crunchy/AP moms in general are a cultural minority right now and so it makes sense that there would be fewer WOC engaged in that culture?

These are just some of the questions swirling around in my head this morning. I guess I woke up feeling philosophical and reflective about my own upbringing and what led me to my current views . Feel free to expound on the subject...

I wondered similar things and never found a group. Then I met a woman in the laundromat who invited me to the neighborhood breastfeeding support group and baby n me class run by the city, with a lactation consultant and the home visit people--who I didn't let visit me, though they called and called since I live in an area that has high rates of something or other bad for moms and babies. When I finally went, I wondered if I'd be the lone weirdo wearing my baby and cloth diapering. Well, all but one of the women are WOC, at least 4 others are cloth diapering at least some of the time, almost all of them wear their babies at some point though they also have strollers, etc., a couple are making their own baby food...yes a couple also use "cry it out"--even the lactation consultant : But I've found it's more important for me to just spend time with other moms and babies, even if we are along a big spectrum. And my being there has encouraged a couple other moms to try to figure out their Moby wraps one more time, and they now love them, and one of the other moms encouraged me to not be afraid of cloth diapering on the go (meaning I got over my fear of walking around with a bag of poop)...I think at least trying to see what's around you can be a good idea. I was pleasantly surprised and wish I'd started going earlier.

[Arike]

Hi Ladies!

I have been lurking around a bit on this thread, I have been so busy with everything. Ari will be 8 months old on Monday! Where does the time go???
He is almost 18 pounds and I am still wearing him in the Moby Wrap. I think I will probably end up getting the Ergo Carrier. I actually have two strollers, one that stays home and one that stays with his childcare provider. I like using the stroller for when we travel in and around Brooklyn on foot. But I refuse to use the stroller when we use the subway, it's just too crazy for me, especially if I am by myself. He commutes with me 5 days a week and i wear him in the wrap. So I am up and down subway stairs with him in the morning and in the evening. I would think by now my legs would be so diesel...oh well! And now he does this thing where he wiggles his upper body out of the wrap and starts trying to touch everything while we are in the subway: the pole (ick!), other people and their bags!!! Besides that, my LO has been teething and he cut his first tooth a few days ago! It's so great watching him grow! In the meantime, i am slowly but surely getting myself back together. I have been working out regularly for two weeks now, which based on my schedule working full-time and commuting is like a miracle for me. I just decided to suck it up and start getting up a little earlier and work out at home to DVDs. I just bought a new DVD set called ChaLean Extreme off of e-bay for cheap and I am excited to try it out. I belong to a gym, but I feel kind of ambivalent about going. I wanted to use a personal trainer who specializes in pre and post natal fitness but I decided it wasn't a necessity so I couldn't justify the cost. The cost of one session basically cost as much as my new DVD set and that includes 15 different workouts.
On another subject, do any of you ladies here use an IUD? I was supposed to get the Paragard IUD yesterday but my old OB-GYN office never sent over my PAP results from last year to my new OB-GYN/Midwifery office. So they told me this when I got to the office, "We never got your PAP results from your old provider so we can't put in the IUD." I am kind of like, if you sent a fax request and never got a response, why didn't you call the doctor's office or perhaps call me so I could follow up on the matter? I took a half day at work for that appointment and I didn't even end up getting any services rendered!: So now I don't even want to go back there because it just seems sort of incompetent to me. I miss my homebirth midwife...She doesn't really do well woman care because it actually is not financially lucrative for her for whatever reason. She just focuses on births so that's why I decided to branch out and find a midwifery/ob-gyn office to handle my "well woman" needs. Currently my form of family planning is abstinence. Poor DH...LOL
Okay and last thing, me and my parents and little Ari are supposed to go visit my brother in Costa Rica. He randomly decided to go there and be "one with nature" for like 3 months. But he got robbed by two police officers(or two people pretending to be police officers) so now he is thinking about returning a bit earlier.
Okay this is a novel, sorry about that! I hope everyone is doing well today!

[AndrewsMother]

Originally Posted by Bloomingstar

Yeah, we're gonna go stroller shopping tomorrow. NYC is the second worse place I've lived humidity wise. (nowhere else I've lived tops New Orleans--you get outside for all of 5 seconds and wonder why you bothered to shower since you're already soaking wet ) I've already had a couple sweaty days with the Moby and it's not fun. Facing him outwards helps--but then he won't stop chattering and squeaking at people It's the cutest thing, albeit quite noisy.

My old boss gave us a Maclaren Techno XT but it'd been living in her basement and she must not have known how filthy it was. I mean, I'd never give someone something so dirty. Or at all dirty. I mean it's so bad my DH refuses to touch it, and when I did it looked like I'd been playing in soot. I wish we had a yard so I could hose it down or something. I put it out in the rain today hoping that'd help it a bit. I can't get the padding off. I should probably get a bucket, spray bottle, etc. and keep trying since it's a perfectly good but FILTHY stroller. I'd prefer to have the baby facing in rather than out right now, and DH really wants to win this one and buy a stroller so I'll let him, but I can't seem to give up hope on the dirty one. Now I'm just reading product reviews of strollers...and I CANNOT believe how much a Bugaboo costs, and how many of them I used to see around where my old job is (Brooklyn Heights).

The padding should easily come off, look under the stroller along the frame and you should see fabric looped over metal prongs. I throw the padding in the washer and it always comes clean, and I have a baby blue Maclaren

I love the Bugaboo, and if I ever have another baby I want one, but I would still own a Maclaren because they are just so easy to use. I would not trust airport baggage with a bugaboo, and they don't fold compactly so I don't know if I would want to travel with one either. They also take up a fair amount of trunk space.

[AndrewsMother]

Originally Posted by Arike

Hi Ladies!
He commutes with me 5 days a week and i wear him in the wrap. So I am up and down subway stairs with him in the morning and in the evening. I would think by now my legs would be so diesel...oh well! And now he does this thing where he wiggles his upper body out of the wrap and starts trying to touch everything while we are in the subway: the pole (ick!), other people and their bags!!! !

HA HA HA!!! Just wait until you put him on your back in ther ergo and he desices to grab the hair of the person next to you and suck on it!!! :Puke

[bajamergrrl]

Originally Posted by Bloomingstar

I wondered similar things and never found a group. Then I met a woman in the laundromat who invited me to the neighborhood breastfeeding support group and baby n me class run by the city, with a lactation consultant and the home visit people--who I didn't let visit me, though they called and called since I live in an area that has high rates of something or other bad for moms and babies. When I finally went, I wondered if I'd be the lone weirdo wearing my baby and cloth diapering. Well, all but one of the women are WOC, at least 4 others are cloth diapering at least some of the time, almost all of them wear their babies at some point though they also have strollers, etc., a couple are making their own baby food...yes a couple also use "cry it out"--even the lactation consultant : But I've found it's more important for me to just spend time with other moms and babies, even if we are along a big spectrum. And my being there has encouraged a couple other moms to try to figure out their Moby wraps one more time, and they now love them, and one of the other moms encouraged me to not be afraid of cloth diapering on the go (meaning I got over my fear of walking around with a bag of poop)...I think at least trying to see what's around you can be a good idea. I was pleasantly surprised and wish I'd started going earlier.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I agree with looking around and being open. I'm pretty sure I can find a kindred spirit WOC mom around here, particularly if I make myself visible.

I guess I'm just wondering why it seems like there aren't that many WOC visibly embracing "alternative" parenting/birthing or even applying that label to themselves? Is it because they hold fast to the mainstream for various reasons or is it because the "alternatives" are really pretty run-of-the-mill or passe for them to begin with? Or is there another reason?

I hope that made some sort of sense.

[AndrewsMother]

Originally Posted by bajamergrrl

1) Is it because what's considered alternative/crunchy/AP are things that WOC have been doing for a long time and don't think they're doing anything radical?

I need clarification, would you mind listing a few examples?

[Arike]

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother

HA HA HA!!! Just wait until you put him on your back in ther ergo and he desices to grab the hair of the person next to you and suck on it!!! :Puke

OMG! Now I am going to be paranoid about that! He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth!

[AndrewsMother]

Originally Posted by Arike

OMG! Now I am going to be paranoid about that! He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth!

DS has an immune system made of steel!!!

I hate all things nasty, dirty or gross and he trives on them. My boy!!!!!

[bajamergrrl]

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother

I need clarification, would you mind listing a few examples?

Ok, for example, in my family, co-sleeping, breastfeeding and cloth diapering aren't unusual. One of my sisters breastfed her son until he was about 2 yrs old. I don't think my family members think of themselves as doing anything "alternative." On the other hand they also embrace mainstream practices of using cribs, formula and disposable diapers.

[AndrewsMother]

Originally Posted by bajamergrrl

Ok, for example, in my family, co-sleeping, breastfeeding and cloth diapering aren't unusual. One of my sisters breastfed her son until he was about 2 yrs old. I don't think my family members think of themselves as doing anything "alternative." On the other hand they also embrace mainstream practices of using cribs, formula and disposable diapers.

I would never consider the above practices to be typical of Black Americans. Yes, I know a few people who do, most follow mainstream practices.


Part of me wants to attempt to answer your question from my point of view, but I don't have the strength to write an essay length response that will not earn me a letter grade.

[bajamergrrl]

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother

I would never consider the above practices to be typical of Black Americans. Yes, I know a few people who do, most follow mainstream practices.


Part of me wants to attempt to answer your question from my point of view, but I don't have the strength to write an essay length response that will not earn me a letter grade.

No need for an essay - bullet points are fine.

My family is Caribbean so I admit my view is definitely colored by that.