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Women of Color #13 - Page 31

post #601 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplegirl View Post
...It feels good to reconnect with you all here. I spend a lot of time on facebook but instantly sought this tribe out when my friend called upon me for advice.
Hi Lisa,

I feel the same way about this tribe that you do! And I am going to try to come here at least weekly to post so we can keep this tribe active!
I hope that you all will join me!

*..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ Peace, Love & Light!-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*


Take Care,
Erika(I don't wear a fro, I'm just a sister who likes this smilie!):
post #602 of 845
Just popping in to say hi to all. Hopefully we can get the conversations rolling again soon in here.
post #603 of 845
I'm around but this is the beginning of my busy season. The agency that I run does special holiday assistance programs and this year I decided to add a new piece and it's chaos. We are doing a lot in the community but I am tired...then after the holidays I have several grant deadlines that will be hitting back to back. So while I tend to be around it's more scan and go.

As for the kiddos, the son is sending out his college applications so we will start the waiting game. My baby graduates HS in June...where does the time go? I swear it seems like he was just born, I am not sure if I mentioned he got his own car. Yikes.

My dd is my mini me aka the mini diva, I love her to death but girl energy is so different than boy energy at least for me...all in all I am good, could complain but no use trying.

Shay
post #604 of 845
checking in....
I am doing great. I am in the throes of holiday stuff and enjoying it. I put my tree up this weekend and though I have much more to do, I feel pretty good. You all might recall, I had a basement flood last spring and lost ALL of my Christmas decorations and needed to purchase new stuff. I had some really pretty purple stuff that I will never be able to replace---such a bummer. Not sure where DH and I will be spending Christmas...maybe Virginia or Maryland. Our lives are so complicated *sigh*
post #605 of 845

Vent about parenting choices

My family and I have attended a church for almost two years. We are not members, but we are active participants. I teach church school classes about twice a year(parents volunteer to teach for a month at a time), I work with the youth group and I recently decided to work with the social committee.

Andrew has quite a few friends, and I am friends or associates with the parents of his friends. Some I am closer to than other. For the most part we share similarities in how we parent our children, but there are a few differences. The most obvious difference is that I don't spank. I will admit to having swatted his bottom a few times when I am overly frustrated, but I am diligent about calming myself down until I am able to better process a solution to the problem at hand.

Most if not all of the children at the church are able to sit through a two to three hour service. Some are spanked if they make noise or fidget too much, some are scolded, some are fed snack on demand to keep the peace, and some are just children with a quiet patient nature. All of the children are with a year range of age, be it younger or older. We go to church school, and have attempted in the past to stay until the Children's Story during worship, which is about 1 hour into the service. It is a long hour. I don't expect for my 3 year old to sit quietly for an hour, nor do I feel comfortable with him disturbing others. There is not a nursery, only a cry room which I generally avoid, because Andrew tends to want to play with the other children. Again, I know that this is normal behavior, but the other parents want for their children to sit quietly and eat their snacks. I respect their desires, so we generally leave right after children's story.


Because of my child's energetic and bubbly personality, and his inability to sit still for more than 15-20 minutes he is viewed by many as "bad", or a "problem". One parent teaching the class told Andrew that he needed to get rid of his energy before class began. I interjected and told her that having too much energy was not a negative attribute. (this is from a mom who told me that my son looks as if he is not spanked . She is not a friend, but a mom who spanks her young 2 year-old so that he will sit through the service)

I take worship seriously, but I also believe that it is not always suitable for children. Until I was 6 or 7, I only attended church school.


Last night I was to work a table at the Children's Christmas craft program. DH was at work, so Andrew was not under my general supervision. I had my eye on him but I was busy. We arrived at 4 to begin set up for a 6 o'clock program. Between 5 and 6, Andrew was playing with the other children. When he plays, Andrew goes into a zone. He plays hard. He was playing with 4 children. A 5 year old, another 3 year old and a 10 year old. The 10 year old said that Andrew spot on him. He did , but they were making growling, hissing sounds. This I saw with my own eyes, but to me it was a mistake. I talked to him about being careful and that spitting is nasty and we should not spit on our friends, etc, etc. The mom, a friend, was annoyed and said something to Andrew. She then came to me and said that I needed to be firmer with him, and that other parents would have/have a problem because I was only talking to him and not being hard enough. She then went on to say that her daughter use to spit and she spanked her and she has not spit since.

I have a serious problem with this, because I don't parent my child to please someone else. I told her that the method that I use was sufficient for our needs and that I was not interested in parenting my child to appeal to others.

Less than 15 minutes later the children were wrestling, and Andrew kicked the her son. I called for Andrew to come and sit next to me. We talked about his behavior, I admonished him and he played with clay (after his time out) while I finished attempting to set up.

After awhile, the other younger children came to play with Andrew. General silly3 and 5 year old behavior ensued. Soon they were running in circles in a small area near my table, away from others. Someone walked by and said that Andrew needed to stop running. There were two other children present.

At this point I took of my costume, packed up my belongings and I left, but not before talking to the director who said that the others words were in jest. Well, ha. ha. I don't see the humor in the situation.

Since we arrived all that I heard was Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.

Before others arrived Andrew was standing at my table playing with a portion of clay that I set out for him. Someone walked by and said. "What is Andrew doing with the clay, is he wasting it?"

A short while later someone said, "Oh you have to keep an eye on that Andrew".

Then a statement was made about beating children.


I would never begin to think that my son is perfect or refuse to believe that he is in the wrong. Andrew is three, and what he does not know or not remember, I must teach or reinforce.

Andrew attends PK, and not once have a received a negative report from his teachers, and there are parents who have. I ask about his behavior and his teachers reply that his wrongs are age appropriate and with consistent reinforcement they will go away. Andrew's busy nature is never a negative, but a plus. His school friends parents have talked about how well behaved he is, and they see his good and bad days.

I am tired of him being greeted with negativity in our place of worship. This is my month to teach, but I have already spoken with the lead parent (another friend)) and informed her that she will have to find a replacement for the remainder of the month.

Either I will teach my child at home until he is older, or I will find a church that caters to children. My husband objects and says that he will take him, so that Andrew can see his friends, but I don't see how that will remedy the situation.

I need a nap.

--
post #606 of 845
I have been in your shoes, my dd is spirited. She has no problems in PS but she is not a kid who will sit for hours...yesterday was the Christmas Pageant and it was a miracle we made it through the service. Normally she is in the PS Sunday school class but there was no class since most kids were in the pagaent. (she would have been in it but IMO was too hyper during the rehearsal so I pulled her out)

When we were looking for a church home we took a pass on several churches that IMO did not have a realistic clue about kids and offer appropriate kids programming. I got tired of folks gently mentioning that a spanking would work ....

If I were you I would either take a break from church until he is older, or maybe you and your dh can switch off weekends so one goes one week the other next and Andrew stays home. Or I would look for a new place.
post #607 of 845
I never get any notice that there are new posts here so I'm glad I popped in.

Lisa I have nothing to add to the sage advice already given & agree wholeheartedly that your friend is lucky to have you in her life.

Shay, I can only imagine how exciting and a little bit anxious I'll be when its time for my kiddos to send out college apps. I'm hopeful that one of them will go to my alma mater but time willl tell on that front.

AndrewsMother, I'm sorry that your church is a difficult fit for your family as a whole. As a small child my husband was one of the quiet, "well behaved" crowd and hated every minute of it. His family went to several churches that weren't particularly child friendly & even though he went with the flow at the time, it had an enormous negative impact on him.

Gearing up for the holidays is fun but very low key for us. Normally we travel to visit family but we're not even doing that this year. I adore Christmas activities and always spend the bulk of our gift money on doing things, I'd rather take us somplace than buy something. I'm happy now that my kids are old enough to also have memories of our little adventures.

This year we're going New England in the spring so I'm prepping for that & all the $$$ it will cost. But I love to plan, (in a former life I was an event planner) so I'm in my element finding flights, hotels & tickets on the cheap

Take Care,

Kia
post #608 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia74 View Post
This year we're going New England in the spring so I'm prepping for that & all the $$$ it will cost. But I love to plan, (in a former life I was an event planner) so I'm in my element finding flights, hotels & tickets on the cheap

Take Care,

Kia
Where in New England will you be? I am in Maine and its a gorgeous place, actually of northern New England is scenic.
post #609 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia74 View Post
...This year we're going New England in the spring so I'm prepping for that & all the $$$ it will cost. But I love to plan, (in a former life I was an event planner) so I'm in my element finding flights, hotels & tickets on the cheap

Take Care,

Kia
And we are in Connecticut(almost equal distance from NYC and Boston), maybe we should try to schedule an MDC Mom's of color meetup some where while you are here in New England Kia!

Take Care,
Erika (I don't wear a fro, I'm just a sister who likes this smilie!)
post #610 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by shayinme View Post
I have been in your shoes, my dd is spirited. She has no problems in PS but she is not a kid who will sit for hours...yesterday was the Christmas Pageant and it was a miracle we made it through the service. Normally she is in the PS Sunday school class but there was no class since most kids were in the pagaent. (she would have been in it but IMO was too hyper during the rehearsal so I pulled her out)

When we were looking for a church home we took a pass on several churches that IMO did not have a realistic clue about kids and offer appropriate kids programming. I got tired of folks gently mentioning that a spanking would work ....

If I were you I would either take a break from church until he is older, or maybe you and your dh can switch off weekends so one goes one week the other next and Andrew stays home. Or I would look for a new place.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kia74 View Post
AndrewsMother, I'm sorry that your church is a difficult fit for your family as a whole. As a small child my husband was one of the quiet, "well behaved" crowd and hated every minute of it. His family went to several churches that weren't particularly child friendly & even though he went with the flow at the time, it had an enormous negative impact on him.

Kia
We have decided to take a break from this church and even evaluate a few friendships. Once DH overheard a phone conversation his opinion of the situation changed.
post #611 of 845

Maine

Shay, we are going to ME. I vacationed there a lot as a kid & ended up going to college in Brunswick (30 minutes N of Portland) We are going to visit my alma mater and head North either to Mt Desert or Cranberry... I have to keep in mind that April/May in the South is a far cry from temps in your neck of the woods I'm trying to decide if we are going to fly thru Bost0n or Portland. Either way will keep you & Erika posted

Andrewsmother from what you have shared I think its a wise decision to take some time off of that particular church. I hope you all find the perfect spiritual home soon.
post #612 of 845
Kia, I would come here in May. April is still pretty iffy as to whether or not it will feel like spring. We moved here March 02 and I was shocked when we got a huge snowstorm in April. I am from the midwest and used to cold and snow but normally April means spring and in Maine that is not true at all.

This year winter has been slow coming especially along the coast so I would count on lousy weather in April. You can most likely get better prices coming into Boston but you have to battle Boston traffic, though sometimes you can get a good deal. Only downside is if there is bad weather the Jetport seems to cancel and delay flights more often than bigger airports which is why we avoid using the Jetport in cold weather months.
post #613 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by shayinme View Post
Kia, I would come here in May. April is still pretty iffy as to whether or not it will feel like spring. We moved here March 02 and I was shocked when we got a huge snowstorm in April. I am from the midwest and used to cold and snow but normally April means spring and in Maine that is not true at all.

This year winter has been slow coming especially along the coast so I would count on lousy weather in April. You can most likely get better prices coming into Boston but you have to battle Boston traffic, though sometimes you can get a good deal. Only downside is if there is bad weather the Jetport seems to cancel and delay flights more often than bigger airports which is why we avoid using the Jetport in cold weather months.
Weather wise May makes more sense but there are a couple of other things going on that might make April the only possible time. And yes I know to be prepared for anything! My family still talks about the big stadium blankets that were handed out during my Memorial Day graduation
post #614 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by eilonwy View Post
Mixed!

Speaking of, I was in Target last week and saw these books for the first time. Has anyone read them?
I'm late to the conversation, as usual...
Anyway, that looks interesting to me. The character will be a mix of what my son is and our soon-to-be daughter will be. I'm curious about it.

As for the term "mixed", I can't recall knowing anyone being offended by it, but of course, I don't know everyone, do I? I personally don't mind it myself. It's a more apt description than "mulatto" (which is very offensive) for someone like me or my son. I have referred to myself as "a mix of" whatever in the past.
post #615 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by AndrewsMother View Post
We have decided to take a break from this church and even evaluate a few friendships. Once DH overheard a phone conversation his opinion of the situation changed.
Great idea, AndrewsMother.



I would have difficulty spending time with people who are so ready to place my child in the "bad kid" box, or people who openly challenge my parenting choices. How I discipline my child is my business and no one else's.

Andrew sounds like he plays and behaves like any other child his age would play and behave.

I'm sorry this happened.
post #616 of 845
I'm working on my book. It's going well, considering that I have to take a break every few minutes from the screen or I start to get dizzy. I've been sick for the past few weeks and that's not going well. Life is as busy and crazy as always around here. At least we have snow, which looks pretty and makes the cold a lot more tolerable.
post #617 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by Draupadi View Post
Great idea, AndrewsMother.



I would have difficulty spending time with people who are so ready to place my child in the "bad kid" box, or people who openly challenge my parenting choices. How I discipline my child is my business and no one else's.

Andrew sounds like he plays and behaves like any other child his age would play and behave.

I'm sorry this happened.
Shelia, I always laughed when I read the posts of MDC moms who wanted to end friendships with their spanking mom friends. Yes, I inwardly wince at some of the spankings that their children receive, but I never questioned their parenting. As I type, a furry grows in me because supposedly, according to some, the Bible is their justification.

For the life of me, I refuse to believe that the same Jesus who "suffered the little children to come unto him", would inflict pain excessive pain upon a child.

Anyway, we attended a birthday party of a child who attends the church, Her parents are very AP but have probably never even heard the term, along with a few others. No one who was in attendance was in the "anti-Andrew" camp.

As I watched the children who ranged in age from 1 1/2 to 10 play together, loud and boisterous but not quite as rough as last week, it reinforced my belief that my child is not the problem.

I feel bad because I know that I have lost a friend, or I that the friendship will never be the same. Somehow, I don't think that I can share a part of me with someone who is openly critical of my parenting.
post #618 of 845
Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to say:

I wish for you and yours a very Happy Holiday Season and a bright and prosperous 2010!

*..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ Peace, Love & Light!-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*


Take Care,
Erika(I don't wear a fro, I'm just a sister who likes this smilie!):
post #619 of 845
Hi all. I'm not really new, used to be a regular years ago when my DD who is now 7 was younger but forgot my username and all that. I'm now preggers with my 2nd baby and very excited. I'm away from my b/f for a few month so feeling a bit lonely atm and I remembered how much fun and how much I used to look forward to reading and posting on this site so I'm back!
post #620 of 845
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
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