strugglingI am fighting against some personal demons which seem to growing as I get older. Despite my fair amount of personal and professional accomplisments, I find myself fighting strong waves of insecurity. I suppose this malady has been a part of my being for a long time but lately, it is haunting me like crazy.
I was chatting with a facebook friend who shared that she has 'imposter syndrome'. Much to her surprise, I could relate. She couldn't believe that a person who is, seemingly, so extraverted and self confident could harbor such feelings. I do though; I've learned to mask and compensate for the most part. At times, they eek out and get the best of me. I know a ton of people and really am a 'people person', but there are times I wished I could disappear in the woodwork.
Long ago, I spoke with a good friend who is a renown psychologist. He suggested I do somethings, some of which has helped. He suggested that I surround myself with folks who are doing the things, living the life that I long for. Some of you know I am lover of art and all things creative. So on facebook and other venues, I've 'friended' people who are masters in the creative arts. I've chatted with some and gotten excellent pointers on how to further my aspirations. I took an art class on the vineyard last summer and recently enrolled in one locally. It's been great but the feeling of accomplishment doesn't last long before the negative thoughts pervade my mind.
I have a private practice and I have developed it to be pretty succesful. Three years ago, I got a big contract with the local school district and it continues to grow. Nice, but not enough to keep me feeling like I've accomplished much. My dh encourages me to hire more therapists and expand. I know I can do it but find myself sabatoging forward movement.
I hate feeling this way and sometimes it's like fighting against the strongest tide.
Is this a plague that is common in women, black women??