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Women of Color #13 - Page 40

post #781 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by eilonwy View Post
Purplegirl, that is so upsetting. Are you okay?
Ya know for a minute, it was sort of stinging. I found it incredulous that he was so blatant. However, I realize he's a man who must struggle with his sense of self. I mean he's an accomplished surgeon with tremendous credentials but, he obviously felt some type of way that we had gone to the same university. I felt somewhat powerful writing him a letter because I suspect he intimidates a lot of people. I can walk away maintaining my grace and self respect meanwhile, he has to know he's a jerk!!
post #782 of 845
Go you!
post #783 of 845
Thread Starter 
Yeah, Purplegirl, I'm not used to it being so blatant. I'm more used to looks of surprise or shock if I mention I have a master's degree. I don't know how I would have been! I mean, really!

At least he recognizes he's a jerk. I'm amazed by people who will readily say, "I am a jerk."
post #784 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplegirl View Post
Ya know for a minute, it was sort of stinging. I found it incredulous that he was so blatant. However, I realize he's a man who must struggle with his sense of self. I mean he's an accomplished surgeon with tremendous credentials but, he obviously felt some type of way that we had gone to the same university. I felt somewhat powerful writing him a letter because I suspect he intimidates a lot of people. I can walk away maintaining my grace and self respect meanwhile, he has to know he's a jerk!!
I wish I could say I can't believe he said that but the older I get, I am not surprised. It seems in many ways when it comes to race relations this country is going backwards. We may have elected a Black president but at times it feels like we went 15 steps back. Good for you for not being intimidated, many would have just sat in the chair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rootzdawta View Post
Yeah, Purplegirl, I'm not used to it being so blatant. I'm more used to looks of surprise or shock if I mention I have a master's degree. I don't know how I would have been! I mean, really!

At least he recognizes he's a jerk. I'm amazed by people who will readily say, "I am a jerk."
Rootz, I hear ya. I get the looks too, yesterday we went to register dd for school and I have been on the fence about school. But the reality is homeschooling would not work for us, she is an extrovert she needs to be around people. Anyway at the school while she was being screened wemet with the guidance counselor and it was one of those situations as a mixed race couple it could have been interesting. I had dressed for the occasion despite the fact it was hot, I made a point early on of mentioning my job, also that I have an M.Ed, immediately I was asked where I went to school. As soon as I said where I went (well known private school in this region) attitudes changed, it was all good.

Funny thing had I come dressed like all the other parents (shorts/flip flops) I know it would have been a different vibe. Stuff like that annoys me greatly but at this age, its the price of being Black in this country.
post #785 of 845
Lisa, it amazes me when people are openly an ass and feel ii's all good.
post #786 of 845
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by shayinme View Post

Rootz, I hear ya. I get the looks too, yesterday we went to register dd for school and I have been on the fence about school. But the reality is homeschooling would not work for us, she is an extrovert she needs to be around people. (
Despite homeschoolers proclaiming that socialization is not an issue, I am still very worried about it. Like it or not, school can come with built in friends, parties, playdates, etc . . . I see it at my job all the time. And I am having a really difficult time finding groups of homeschoolers for my kids within a reasonable distance. I'm not so excited about having to drive 30+ minutes to hang out. Hopefully this gets better as time goes on but right now, still very worried. But hanging on to my conviction to homeschool.
post #787 of 845
We don't really socialize with the local homeschool groups because they are, by and large, very Christian (and not in a good way) and exclusive (by which I mean, if you don't sign a statement of faith you can't join). Bean in particular is extremely extroverted, he *needs* to be interacting with people as often as possible... and he makes that happen, despite the lack of formal opportunities.

I think that the reason parents worry about socialization has less to do with the "ease" of socialization in school than it does with feeling the need to constantly/consistently entertain our children. Yeah, school can come with a built-in group of friends, invitations to birthday parties, etc but it can also bring exclusion, bullying, and downright abusive situations which cannot be escaped for years and years.

Chibi is 13 now and is very popular at school, she's got tons of friends, but she would still drop out to homeschool in a New York Minute. Her personality is such that regardless of where she is, she's going to socialize and make friends with ease. My Bella is a different story-- she's quiet and can be quite bashful around people, especially in group situations. She opens up fairly quickly when she's dealing with one or two people, but the more people there are the more likely she is to shut down entirely. For her, school would be a social disaster-- she would FREAK if I left her in a classroom, and I probably wouldn't be able to make it out the door before the hideous shrieks coming from her throat drew me back in to rescue her. She definitely socializes more as a homeschooler than she would if she was in a school setting just because she's far more comfortable with individuals.
post #788 of 845
Thread Starter 
That's a good point Rynna. I guess I have to let my kids lead me when it comes to their socializing needs.

On another note . . .

I know that often issues of race and class become conflated. Here is an issue of class I am struggling with (well, I finally identified what the issue was after a lot of thinking).

I'm invited to a shower. I am not the closest of friends with the honoree but we hang out and she's cool. I like this sister--she has means but she's not showy about it. I know without ever having asked outrightly that we are of different classes. Even though she's down to earth and cool, the organizations she's involved in, town she lives in, lifestyle all indicate this. It has never been an issue for me until this shower.

I received the invitation yesterday and it came in a beautiful envelope. Lilac lining, parchment paper--the works. So I'm admiring the invite and starting to feel a little funny. I read it. It's a cutesy poem that essentially does four things:
1. asks for diapers and wipes
2. lets you know that there will be a wishing well (which means no gifts right? Just money/gift cards?)
3. guests should "wear white" (all white or something white?)
4. it will be at a gourmet restaurant (I have no idea if the guests are expected to pay for their meals, don't want to pay for expensive, nasty looking gourmet food, and don't really want to ask because it reflects on my class).

I won't know anyone beside the honoree btw and I am hell of nervous about who and who will be at this party. I am worried I'll feel uncomfortable like a fish out of water. I know I should hold my head high but I am almost certain I'll be surrounded by designer bags, fresh manicures and pedicures, and expensive white linen outfits. I'm not necessarily in the mood for all that.

You know, I grew up in the South Bronx. Never been to a baby shower that didn't involve a church basement and food in foil trays with burners underneath buffet style. Now I'm living in Westchester, hardly living like a Westchesterite but trying not to be bothered by it and making it work, trying not get hung up on race and money. It's such a minor thing too--a baby shower. Wow.
post #789 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by rootzdawta View Post
That's a good point Rynna. I guess I have to let my kids lead me when it comes to their socializing needs.

On another note . . .

I know that often issues of race and class become conflated. Here is an issue of class I am struggling with (well, I finally identified what the issue was after a lot of thinking).

I'm invited to a shower. I am not the closest of friends with the honoree but we hang out and she's cool. I like this sister--she has means but she's not showy about it. I know without ever having asked outrightly that we are of different classes. Even though she's down to earth and cool, the organizations she's involved in, town she lives in, lifestyle all indicate this. It has never been an issue for me until this shower.

I received the invitation yesterday and it came in a beautiful envelope. Lilac lining, parchment paper--the works. So I'm admiring the invite and starting to feel a little funny. I read it. It's a cutesy poem that essentially does four things:
1. asks for diapers and wipes
2. lets you know that there will be a wishing well (which means no gifts right? Just money/gift cards?)
3. guests should "wear white" (all white or something white?)
4. it will be at a gourmet restaurant (I have no idea if the guests are expected to pay for their meals, don't want to pay for expensive, nasty looking gourmet food, and don't really want to ask because it reflects on my class).

I won't know anyone beside the honoree btw and I am hell of nervous about who and who will be at this party. I am worried I'll feel uncomfortable like a fish out of water. I know I should hold my head high but I am almost certain I'll be surrounded by designer bags, fresh manicures and pedicures, and expensive white linen outfits. I'm not necessarily in the mood for all that.

You know, I grew up in the South Bronx. Never been to a baby shower that didn't involve a church basement and food in foil trays with burners underneath buffet style. Now I'm living in Westchester, hardly living like a Westchesterite but trying not to be bothered by it and making it work, trying not get hung up on race and money. It's such a minor thing too--a baby shower. Wow.
I was raised working class thanks to my Pops but my Mom was solidly middle class to upper middle class (she had one of those coming out things back in the 60's) so I know a little about social graces.

Um, this woman may be nice and all but honestly they sound like new money. A wishing well shower seems tacky to me, especially if these are folks with means. A couple of young kids having a baby, I can understand maybe but grown folks, nah... A wishing well does indeed mean money, generally cash in envelopes.

I guess I say all that to say if you want to go, just be you. A crisp white blouse (love em) and a cute skirt is sufficient and most likely something you already own.

I would err on the side of caution and expect to pay for the meal though it seems like it should be provided but considering its wishing well, that makes me think you might be expected to pay.
post #790 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by rootzdawta View Post

2. lets you know that there will be a wishing well (which means no gifts right? Just money/gift cards?)
Don't feel intimidated. Asking for money is the antithesis of class. It is tacky and the hallmark of new money. Someone who is not familiar with proper etiquette.
post #791 of 845
I've been to a few parties like that, and I wouldn't worry about it too much. You can call and confirm-- it doesn't reflect on your class as much as it reflects on the common sense of the sender (who should know that it's polite to warn people if you expect them to pay for an expensive dinner at their party). I've never been to one where I was expected to pay for dinner, though. Even if others were expected to contribute, I wasn't because it was fairly well known that I *couldn't*.

I've seen the wishing well done a handful of times; Once was for a young couple just getting started, very working-class. Another was for either a bar/bat mitzvah (can't remember which) and again, very working class. The only time I've seen anyone wealthier do it, they were collecting money for charity. It was a "We'll feed you and hang out together and instead of bringing a boatload of gifts we'll never use, why don't you donate to our favorite cause in a fun way that involves tossing things?"

(For the record, I was raised upper/upper-middle class with no money. I've actually met a few others who feell similarly, but it was a real struggle trying to explain things to Mike sometimes. He was raised solidly working-class and his values & outlook reflect that. He found my priorities impossible to grok in the early days, but now he knows better. )
post #792 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by AndrewsMother View Post
Don't feel intimidated. Asking for money is the antithesis of class. It is tacky and the hallmark of new money. Someone who is not familiar with proper etiquette.
LOL. You said what I was thinking
post #793 of 845
I agree with Shay on the 'new money' issue and the unintended tackiness that sometimes accompanies said folks! I grew up in a comfortable background but frankly, I eschew much of the pretentiousness of folks around me. I've gotten quite comfortable with a circle of folks who are down to earth and come -as you- kind -of -people. There are times when I can't avoid situations like the one you described, Rootz. However, I do my best to avoid them when I can. Michael's family and friends are very much into placing high value on social and economic status. I cringe at the thought of HAVING to attend a social function with them next weekend; I just can't be phony!

That said, I'd probably go, count on not staying long or perhaps connecting with someone else in attendance who seems down to earth but very importantly, be yourself!
post #794 of 845
Thread Starter 
Thanks you guys. I feel so much better about everything now--your replies, thinking about it has given me some clarity. I posted in TAO and got some interesting replies too. But I'm going to relax and go. Show my support. Be myself. And keep it moving right along.
post #795 of 845
RD, yesterday I remembered that I was livid when I saw my shower invites. Someone listed the stores where I registered The invitations were already mailed, so all that I could so was suffer in silence. Perhaps your friend was in a similar situation.


As for issues of class, the denotative meaning has become convoluted by popular culture and the media. I listen to the women at my job, and realize that their meaning of class and my meaning of class are separated by different worlds. Popular entertainers are considered the echelon of society, where as I feel differently; not everything that glitters is gold.
post #796 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by AndrewsMother View Post
RD, yesterday I remembered that I was livid when I saw my shower invites. Someone listed the stores where I registered The invitations were already mailed, so all that I could so was suffer in silence. Perhaps your friend was in a similar situation.


As for issues of class, the denotative meaning has become convoluted by popular culture and the media. I listen to the women at my job, and realize that their meaning of class and my meaning of class are separated by different worlds. Popular entertainers are considered the echelon of society, where as I feel differently; not everything that glitters is gold.

post #797 of 845
Hey! How is everyone? Any babies born yet?
I am doing alright. M. and I are leaving Monday for a week in Seattle. I am sort of excited but, I hear the weather has been less than agreeable. I'm hoping to meet one of our MOC who currently lives in Seattle
We want to drive up to Vancouver if time permits. Really, it will be fun just getting away for a minute. Later in July, we're going to the Vineyard. As most of you know, that's my paradise
I've been struggling with a bit of depression, so any distraction from real life is welcomed.
I'd love to hear how you all are doing and what your summer plans are.
post #798 of 845
Hello Sisterfriends!

Just popping in to get this tribe going again! It's been almost a month since the last post here!
I hope that all is well with everyone. My family is doing well, traveling a lot and finally enjoying some summer weather here in the NE.
I am really looking forward to a couple of camping trips that we have planned and I also hope to get in a couple of cool day trips here and there in the coming months.
How about the rest of you? What are some of your summer plans? Please share them here!
And if you plans bring you to New England, please let me know! I would love to meet you in person!

*..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ Peace, Love & Light!-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*


Take Care,
Erika(I don't wear a fro, I'm just a sister who likes this smilie!):
post #799 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplegirl View Post
Hey! How is everyone? Any babies born yet?
I am doing alright. M. and I are leaving Monday for a week in Seattle. I am sort of excited but, I hear the weather has been less than agreeable. I'm hoping to meet one of our MOC who currently lives in Seattle
We want to drive up to Vancouver if time permits. Really, it will be fun just getting away for a minute. Later in July, we're going to the Vineyard. As most of you know, that's my paradise
I've been struggling with a bit of depression, so any distraction from real life is welcomed.
I'd love to hear how you all are doing and what your summer plans are.
Hi Lisa,

Don't worry about the weather in Seattle! It changes quickly and there are so many great indoor activities to enjoy while you are there!
And I would highly recommend going to Vancouver if you have the time. It is one of my favorite cities in the world!
Have a great time!

Take Care,
Erika(I don't wear a fro, I'm just a sister who likes this smilie!):
post #800 of 845
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErikaDP View Post
Hi Lisa,

Don't worry about the weather in Seattle! It changes quickly and there are so many great indoor activities to enjoy while you are there!
And I would highly recommend going to Vancouver if you have the time. It is one of my favorite cities in the world!
Have a great time!

Take Care,
Erika(I don't wear a fro, I'm just a sister who likes this smilie!):
Awesome. I can't wait and I will be sure to let you know about my experiences in your home city!
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