What to expect...

[dosergirl]

Is it wrong of me to expect that LO's grandparents get at least one larger needed item for us for the shower?
I know for a fact my parents will get us whatever it is that we need after the shower, so clearly that is not the issue. I am not comfortable at all with my (divorced) inlaws (tobe) and therefore i would not even ask what they plan on getting us. But is it wrong of me to expect they get the car seat (the cheapest large item) or something?
i feel like they are gonna show up with like, booties and i will get pissed. my parents have done everything and by done everything i mean, moved us into a nicer apartment with much more room, help us pay rent in said sweet apartment, throwing entire baby shower with $500 in catered food....yeah. you girls know cause i have lamented and gotten advice from you ladies before about the inlaws
oh and i wouldn't be surprised if mil didn't give us anything since she brought over all of dp's baby blankets the other day, that were handmade for him by various family members when he was a baby. we have like, more blankets then one could possibly need.

[Julia24]

yes - it you have that expectation, there's a good chance you'll be disappointed.

My ILs didn't buy us any big ticket item. MIL didn't 'agree' with my choices so she didn't want to give her money for those things. Whatev! In the long run they have been very generous....but with the first, it just took them TIME to get in the groove.

[dosergirl]

these people are the opposite of generous dp totally agrees, it sucks but i know it just is what it is. guess you just hope for more sometimes.

[angelachristin]

Um...I wouldn't expect anything, to be honest.

My mom lives 3,000 miles away. My MIL lives in the same town as us (actually, at the time I was pregnant with DS, she lived almost next door.)

My mom and grandmother flew out to visit me when I was 32 weeks and took me shopping, bought me carseat, stroller, arm's reach cosleeper, swing, sheets and blankets, clothes, bathtub, etc...tons of stuff. Because they knew I wasn't going to have a real shower since I have no family here except MIL.

MIL gave me a bottle sterilizer and a bottle warmer that plugs into your car charger thingy. THAT IS ALL SHE GAVE ME. Knowing that I was going to breastfeed, those are the 2 things she gave. And nothing else. Well wait, after DS was born, she brought over a package of diapers.

DH and I bought the crib, dresser, ourselves prior to my mom's visit or she probably would have bought those, too!

[2boyzmama]

Well, my in-laws basically give us nothing. They send a book or video or outfit for birthdays, but frankly I don't often like the outfits they choose, and it's such a "token" gift that it just annoys me more than if they had never sent anything, you know?

We lived overseas when our first was born, and they not only didn't buy us anything (which is somewhat understandable since shipping was difficult and expensive) but they also didn't send money to contribute to purchasing anything. And since we lived overseas, we couldn't get hand-me-downs from friends or family, there weren't yard sales, we couldn't bargain shop the various stores (the baby gear there was just...different, so we ordered most of our stuff from the States, then had to pay shipping). I was VERY annoyed, I hear all this about how grandparents buy the carseat or stroller or bedroom set or start savings accounts, and we got NONE of that.

BUT...while it annoyed me, I have come to appreciate it to some extent. We've gotten to pick out our own stuff, and there was no feeling of us "owing" anyone because they didn't contribute! We were left alone to raise our first child by ourselves, which was hard, but also nice. Now, our debt level, on the other hand, is a little harder to feel okay about

Even with our second, when we lived only one state away, there was nothing. No contributions, very infrequent visiting, and only token gifts. In fact, my in-laws couldn't even tell you my younger son's syndrome, they have little clue about what he's been through medically, they don't understand what is in store for him in the future, they haven't learned a single ASL sign (so they can't talk to him or understand him), and they don't know his food allergies so I can't trust them to be alone with him.

MY mom, on the other hand, is absolutely wonderful, unfortunately she's also poor through no fault of her own (a mess with her ex), so while she doesn't contribute financially, she's GREAT at yardsaling, she helps me with research and decision making, she knows *everything* about Connor (including even dr's names!), and she makes the 6 hour drive to our house at the drop of a hat whenever we need help (which we try really hard to not ask for because just the gas is hard on her to afford, but she has shown up twice before unannounced when we were having rough spots with Connor, once for an emergency surgery he had, and once when he was hospitalized suddenly with an illness).

[acemama]

Be prepared for some booties With our first my in-laws got us a mini umbrella stroller (that was really tiny, sort of like a the size for a baby doll ) I tried to be happy and grateful, but it's really hard when you see what they get for their other grandbabies

[luv2sew]

I don't think you should expect that they will get you anything significant. You will probably end up being disappointed and then harbor even more resentment towards them. I'm not going to rely on getting anything in particular that I want/need unless someone specifically asks me and I tell them exactly what to get me. I think I'll get a few outfits or some totally random/useless cutesy things from DH's side of the family, but that's about it. My mom offered to get us the first carseat, so I can count on that. But otherwise, I'm pretty much not going to bank on getting anything significant. I'm trying not to stress too much about baby preparations and remind myself that I can get by for a while with just the bare minimum basics just fine -clothes, diapers, carseat, place to sleep, etc. if I need to, YKWIM?

I have also found that in general, things are not equally distributed in families. Some people will get more stuff at these big events than others, and there's not much you can do about it. I already figured this out when I got married and I received less a lot financial assistance from my parents than my siblings did (I am the youngest and the last to get married). Now DH and I are pretty much the last to have babies on both sides of the family, so the only way I think we might get a ton of gifts is if everyone gets worked up about the possibility that "this might be the LAST grandchild". But I don't really think that will happen, either.

Yard sales are great for getting most of what you need, and freecycle and craigslist can help a lot, too. That's where most of my LO's stuff is coming from.

[2boyzmama]

Originally Posted by acemama

I tried to be happy and grateful, but it's really hard when you see what they get for their other grandbabies

You know, this isn't an issue YET since my boys are the first grandkids, but my husband's sister is getting married next summer, so I expect more grandbabies coming within the next few years. And the way his parents treat her vs him is really upsetting to me, if they treat HER kids differently than OUR kids, that will REALLY upset me. I'm not real sure how I would handle that honestly.

Even Ian is picking up on the differences between his two grandmas...if it's my husband's parents on the phone, he's not interested in talking. He doesn't get all excited about trips to see them, he doesn't talk about them. If it's MY mom, he runs to the phone, he LOVES visiting her, he LOVES when she visits, he talks about visits with her for weeks or even months afterwards. And she has NO MONEY, so she's not showering him with monetary gifts at all.

It's really sad when my 4 year old already knows.

[sugarpop]

I don't expect anything, my folks go above and beyone on a daily basis...little gifts and big gifts whenever they can. My inlaws are always complaining about money...then they put hardwoods in throughout the house, or redo the driveway with pavement. One year I got a jar of pickles for my birthday and DH this year, his first living far away, he got a card.

So knowing them I am expecting nothing. MIL has sent forward some maternity clothes from a thrift store, a couple pieces I might wear. They live 800+ miles away and have offered a 30 year old crib and dresser, not sure how I would get those here if I was interested (I am not).

I guess I never expected anyone to share in the financial aspect of a baby, but doesn't keep me from getting disappointed with it when I hear others stories!

[dosergirl]

haha this makes me feel better. i am not the only one. my parents are amazing. my mom came out to visit for a week for my first trimester and took me shopping for clothes that would fit my growing body.

this is her second visit and she is throwing me a shower. it's more friends then family. it's not about getting stuff for me, but buying things for the baby shows that you care, that you are involved or want to be, ya know?

my mom will come out in september so she can be here when lo is born, also my parents will fly my brother out (he is older but disabled) and my dad will come probably after baby arrives. i am very close to my family and they live in another country, dp's parents live 10 min away and are like complete strangers. guess it will just take some getting used to.

[angelachristin]

Originally Posted by dosergirl

haha this makes me feel better. i am not the only one. my parents are amazing. my mom came out to visit for a week for my first trimester and took me shopping for clothes that would fit my growing body.

this is her second visit and she is throwing me a shower. it's more friends then family. it's not about getting stuff for me, but buying things for the baby shows that you care, that you are involved or want to be, ya know?

my mom will come out in september so she can be here when lo is born, also my parents will fly my brother out (he is older but disabled) and my dad will come probably after baby arrives. i am very close to my family and they live in another country, dp's parents live 10 min away and are like complete strangers. guess it will just take some getting used to.

yep, sounds like my situation. My mom also sent me a ton of maternity clothes that she went to Kohl's and bought for me at the beginning of my first pregnancy, and when she came when I was 32 weeks, she brought more clothes for me, too. She and my grandmother came again when DS was born and stayed for 2 weeks (in a hotel...we had a tiny apartment at that time, so they paid for a hotel for 2 weeks to be with us) and cooked and cleaned, got everything ready for baby's arrival, etc. MIL does NOTHING to help, she would come over and expected my mom and grandmother to feed her, too. She makes me sick. Then she would whine to my DH about how she was feeling left out and excluded...um, these women live 3,000 miles away. They will be leaving soon, suck it up. How does she think I feel without my family all the time and only her pathetic self around for family support (ha, ha!) My DS was in the NICU for a week after his birth and he wasn't born until they had already been here a week. He came home from the hospital the day they were flying back east. Do you think MIL could have stayed home that day and let us spend the day with him in peace? NOPE. I was SO angry.

My mom and grandmother are coming out again when the new baby comes. MIL keeps yapping about all the girl baby clothes she can't wait to buy...but uh...I haven't seen anything. My mom and grandmother I know have already bought stuff.

[2boyzmama]

Originally Posted by angelachristin

MIL keeps yapping about all the girl baby clothes she can't wait to buy...but uh...I haven't seen anything.

My MIL, when she found out we were pregnant, said "ooh, I hope it's finally a girl, I'm getting tired of buying boy stuff" and my first response (to my husband, not to her!) was "WHAT stuff? She's not buying anything now! And since when should gender of the baby determine how much stuff you buy for it?"

These people... :

[dosergirl]

to add to this, i just found out that mil is telling everyone about our "surprise wedding"
i am seething right now. seething!
she will get told some things at some point for serious. she is so disrespectful. first she mocked the idea of our surprise wedding. then she insinuated that the only reason we were getting married was cause i was pregnant (uhm, no lady, we are not you) and now she tells everyone!

"makes me sick" does not even describe.
dp can't even understand cause my parents are awesome....must be great to have in laws that are better then your actual parents.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by angelachristin

MIL gave me a bottle sterilizer and a bottle warmer that plugs into your car charger thingy. THAT IS ALL SHE GAVE ME. Knowing that I was going to breastfeed, those are the 2 things she gave. And nothing else. Well wait, after DS was born, she brought over a package of diapers.

that totally sounds like something my MIL would do. She always gets me or my children a gift that is something she knows we don't want or need.

[rockdoctor]

Originally Posted by dosergirl

dp can't even understand cause my parents are awesome....must be great to have in laws that are better then your actual parents.

Um... actually it is not awesome when your in-laws care more about you than your own parents. I am in this situation and it is very depressing.

[ilovejeff]

Originally Posted by dosergirl

to add to this, i just found out that mil is telling everyone about our "surprise wedding"
i am seething right now. seething!
she will get told some things at some point for serious. she is so disrespectful. first she mocked the idea of our surprise wedding. then she insinuated that the only reason we were getting married was cause i was pregnant (uhm, no lady, we are not you) and now she tells everyone!

"makes me sick" does not even describe.
dp can't even understand cause my parents are awesome....must be great to have in laws that are better then your actual parents.

What a UAV!!!

I was kind of thinking about this re: my dad last night. My mom offered to buy our CD's and FIL was upset that we didn't have anything "big enough" on the registry. I'm not sure what to expect from my dad, though. I guess it could go either way - he could go all out, or he could buy a couple of outfits and that's it. Neither would really suprise me. I guess I'll just wait and see.

[dosergirl]

Originally Posted by rockdoctor

Um... actually it is not awesome when your in-laws care more about you than your own parents. I am in this situation and it is very depressing.

point taken, i have never thought of it that way. i thought of it more like, hooray now he has the family he always should have had

[rosedoe]

I am not expecting anything from my in-laws. They live in MI and we live in FL and I doubt they'll give me anything. I doubt my sister-in-laws would give me anything either. My sis is buying us the crib/dresser etc. My parents have bought me my new car so they are obviously done with buying stuff. But my mom mentioned to me this morning that she wants me to make a decision on the car seats so she can buy those for me now too. *ba-link* I was so confused since I thought I was getting the car and that's it. Apparently, my parents plan to buy me everything. My mom's mom (Her dad is dead. I don't expect anything from him.) has given her $400 to buy me something nice. My dad's parents asked me this weekend what I wanted and I told them cash so that I could buy some big items and they wanted to know if $1000 was enough. My Aunt Rose who I don't even like (she's married to my mom's brother) was talking about buying me a stroller. But that's just how we have always been. It isn't about the money. It's all about "The baby needs this so we'll get her this." I don't think my husband's family will get me anything. (I've also got various clothing items in various sizes from everyone on my side of the family. And not even booties from the in-laws.)

[KayleeZoo]

I haven't read the other responses yet, so I may be the odd man out here, but personally, I think it's wrong to expect ANYONE to buy anything that you need for the baby.

Gifts from friends and family are always nice, but IMO, they shouldn't be counted upon. It's just not anyone else's responsibility to buy for your baby, IMO.

I mean, unless the person has already offered to buy something specific, and said that it's basically taken care of and that you shouldn't worry about it, I wouldn't be counting on anyone to get the things your baby will need. If someone did say that and then didn't come through, that would be really rude and inconsiderate on their part.

[Pinkbruise]

I also wouldn't expect anything. Also so many of these "big ticket items" are not actually necessities.

The baby will be just fine without a crib, baby swing, high chair, play pen, changing table, stroller, or baby bath tub. Not to say that these things are useless . . . but not necessary.