embarrasment later on?

[SpunkyMama]

I was talking to a friend about nursing, and brought up that I plan to clw. She thought that was really cool until she asked how old I thought ds would wean at (obviously she didn't quite understand clw). I explained it to her, and she was grossed out by the idea of a child over the age of a few years still nursing. She then went on to tell me the story of a boy she knows who is really embarrassed by nursing until he was 7 (when he found out that it was not the norm). Apparently they only nursed at home as he got older.

I didn't know what to say.... does anyone here have any thoughts on it? I don't want ds to feel weird or embarrassed by a completely natural process.... that is if we get that far. I am just curious to see what people have to say about it.

[tjlucca]

Do you plan on Public school? In a home school/ unschool community, I think your DS would be fine. Maybe not public school.....

[beanma]

It's been a non-issue for us thus far. My older dd1 nursed a little bit until she was 5, almost 6. She's 8 now and I don't think it's ever come up in conversation with her peers. She does go to school (private hippie school). I doubt it would come up in a public school conversation either, though. She does have strong memories of nursing and I could see where if she were to have a conversation about it when she's a tween/teen there might be some "ewww, gross!" type comments, but older kids are easily given to that. We don't talk about it a whole lot either so she's unlikely to go around saying, "I nursed until I was 5!" I do sometimes wonder how she'll feel about it later, but at the time I don't think I could have done anything differently. She's always been a very sensitive, somewhat spirited kid and she just really held on to nursing that long. I wasn't especially committed to CLW.

My younger daughter weaned when she was just barely 4, I believe. It might have been 3. I was hoping to make it to 4 since I nursed dd1 so much longer. I think my milk really had dried up at that point, though. She has some memories of it, too, I believe, but again it's not a topic of conversation on the playground.

I could see a teen or a twenty-something saying to a mom, "Mom, you nursed me until I was 5! That's so gross!" But if it's your child raised in an atmosphere where everyone knows that babies and little kids need to nurse then I think that's a less likely scenario. Ask me again in 10 or 15 years !

[aileen]

Originally Posted by tjlucca

Do you plan on Public school? In a home school/ unschool community, I think your DS would be fine. Maybe not public school.....

actually. i just had a lovely after-school-chat with another mama whose child is is my daughter's class. my daughter self weaned at 5.5 and her daughter was almost 5. it just slowly came up in conversation and we step-by-step "outted" ourselves to each other.
we were sitting on the grass at the local public school.
she is only the second CLWing mama i've met in person and i have been extremely open about it.
i guess i kinda think that stereotypes are our biggest hurdle.

after my daughter weaned she asked me directly how i dealt with people who thought i should have weaned her earlier. i told her that i always said, "she'll know when she is ready". a few weeks later a mama friend was lamenting the push for early solid food feeding, rice cereal, grains, and sugar, and the constant explaining we feel we need to do when we don't follow the norm. my daughter started frantically tapping my arm and whispered, "you should tell her about how people used to think i should stop nursing sooner, and what you would tell them!"

i suspect that in turns my child will be embarrassed by her red hair, her overly animated mother, her unusual diet restrictions, or the fact that she nursed for so "long"; but i also suspect that except for a select few lovely end-of-the-school-year days sitting on the grass with our babies bringing us honeysuckles, it won't really ever come up.

ultimately, it will depend on the child. like beanma, my child led me to CLWing. if i were a betting type of mama, i'd bet that the child who gently (or otherwise) insists on nursing til her milk teeth fall out will be her own best advocate. i wouldn't put money on weaning to ease future embarrassments.
of course, i've lost bets before.
we'll see.

eta: my child is public schooled at her own, beautiful, insistence. child-led does not always look the same.

[EviesMom]

I know quite a few CLW of now older kids (7-22), and the kids are really fine with it. They would prefer it not to be talked about right in front of them, like "Moooooom! That's embarrassssssing!" but no more so than any other kid thing like baby talk, potty learning, etc.

My 5 yo is fine with it. She still likes when I talk about her nursing (she nursed until 6 mo ago) and things she did when she was a baby.

The only issue we ever had was a little boy last year in preschool, who, when DD said she wanted to nurse after class, he said "You're a baby!" and DD responded without missing a beat (and without realizing that he meant bc she nurses she's a baby) "I'm not a baby; JASPER is a baby. He can't talk, or sit up, or jump, or feed the turtle. Hey! Let's go feed the turtle!" and off they ran to feed the turtle.

Oh yeah, and we nursed at the Pre-K registration last year. DD fell and got hurt; I nursed her. It was a little embarrassing/felt kinda "in the spotlight" about it; but no one said "Boo" or looked askance.

[Calidris]

DD (5.33 ) still nurses a bit. She knows that most children her age don't nurse, but she is not the least embarrassed.

[spicyrock]

I came across this thread as a "new post." My daughter is five months old, so I have no idea how long we will nurse. Right now I take it a month at a time... it does seem like the age I hope she'll wean gets older and older; at first it was a year, and then 18 months, and now I'm thinking two...

I just wanted to say that, although I weaned at a much earlier age, I have this memory of my mom letting me try to nurse when I was seven or eight. She knew, of course, that there was no milk, but I insisted that there might be and that I might be able to get to it... I don't exactly remember why I thought this... but anyway, it had always kind of freaked me out that she let me try and I thought it made her really weird, until I grew up and became a mom myself. Now I think it is pretty funny, and sort of cool that she was so free-thinking on the topic.

So I wanted to throw this out there as a possible answer... that maybe a kid would be a bit embarrassed about something like that or think it is a little weird during adolescence, but I'm pretty sure that as an adult, she or he would think it was funny or cool.

[sprouthead]

I'm nervous about this too. I was talking to someone who's sibling nursed until maybe 18 months and she's very embarrased (as an adult) that she nursed for so long... I'm worried that DS may look back on nursing and become embarrased by it. However, it sounds like clw is becoming more and more popular so maybe by the time he's old enough to be embarrased by it it won't be so taboo anyway.

[Ruthla]

DS self weaned at 4.25 and it's never, once, come up in any conversation he's had with a peer. He and I talk about it sometimes, and I've told other moms that I nursed him til he was 4 (usually if they brought up the subject because they were concerned about their own child's nursing behavior.) If he starts getting embarrased about me sharing that information in his presence, then I'll stop doing so.

All of my kids know that nursing is something babies and little kids do.

[puddle]

I'm still holding out hope that in a decade or so when my daughter is most likely to care about that sort of thing, CLW will have become so commonplace that no one will bat an eye, and instead all my daughter's friends will be asking their mamas why they only nursed them for 6 months.

If not, then I'm certainly not going to wean my daughter now in order to avoid a short period of potential embarrassment in the future. I'll worry about that moment if it ever comes... To be honest, I think some people resort to the "OMG your kid will be SO EMBARRASSED" response as a way to justify their own feelings of discomfort and present them as looking out for the child.

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

All of my kids know that nursing is something babies and little kids do.

Originally Posted by puddle

I'm still holding out hope that in a decade or so when my daughter is most likely to care about that sort of thing, CLW will have become so commonplace that no one will bat an eye, and instead all my daughter's friends will be asking their mamas why they only nursed them for 6 months.

If not, then I'm certainly not going to wean my daughter now in order to avoid a short period of potential embarrassment in the future. I'll worry about that moment if it ever comes... To be honest, I think some people resort to the "OMG your kid will be SO EMBARRASSED" response as a way to justify their own feelings of discomfort and present them as looking out for the child.

Thanks, Mamas, for changing the culture one nursling at a time!

[menomena]

I think the "they will be embarrassed" argument is not solid. Things are so fluid in culture that we can't predict what things will be like in 5, 10, 15yrs from now. Even so, it's what's happening NOW that influences the future. So the more of us who CLW or "extended" nurse are creating the new normal.

Some families chose to circ b/c they don't want their son to be embarrassed... In my mind, they are basing life-long decision on fleeting, arbitrary cultural notions.

Also, like a PP said, if they are brought up in a way to think that it's normal, why would they be embarrassed (in a long-term, psychologically persistent way)?

[kawa kamuri]

i have a piece of anecdotal evidence too! my youngest sister bf until she was four. she is not embarrassed in the least

[darien]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

DS self weaned at 4.25 and it's never, once, come up in any conversation he's had with a peer. He and I talk about it sometimes, and I've told other moms that I nursed him til he was 4 (usually if they brought up the subject because they were concerned about their own child's nursing behavior.) If he starts getting embarrased about me sharing that information in his presence, then I'll stop doing so.

All of my kids know that nursing is something babies and little kids do.

My older ds is 12, and this, exactly.

[Mama2ABCD]

my dad sent my a newspaper clipping that was in the Detroit Free Press (i live far away) 9 yrs ago...when my oldest was just a baby. it was about a kindergarten teacher who had two students in her class that still nursed. very positive article about nursing beyond the norm. she said that the two bf kids were the two most well adjusted students in her class and clearly attributed it to the breastfeeding.
i thought how wonderful for my child if i could nurse him through kindergarten. well i did, and then another, and another will start k this fall. and they all did very well. and like pp's said, it just doesn't come up in conversation with peers. not too many kids in school talk about breastfeeding unless they see it happening.
since my dd still nurses, and their youngest sib nurses alot, they all see it all the time. and with this next baby, they'll see it for at least another 5 yrs. so it's very normal for them. the older ones still remember nursing and appreciate the experience

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

I know quite a few CLW of now older kids (7-22), and the kids are really fine with it. They would prefer it not to be talked about right in front of them, like "Moooooom! That's embarrassssssing!" but no more so than any other kid thing like baby talk, potty learning, etc.

: DD last nursed at 5 years, 4 months; DS at 5 years, 8 months. I think they both feel this way. It just doesn't come up generally (very occasionally with parents, maybe 1-2 times ever with peers) and it is just another thing they did when they were younger.

[ASusan]

There was a woman in my class last year who remembers nursing until she was 4-ish. She freely shared this with the class (relevant to class discussion regarding health and diet). Not a bit of embarrassment. Very well adjusted woman & a beautiful relationship with her mother. (She has been in my classes for the past 3 semesters.)

[aileen]

this thread popped into my head yesterday as my son put on his sister's old leopard skin ballet flats to go out to dinner.
we didn't let on that it wasn't the "norm".

besides, they looked really cute with his tu-tu.

[Contented73]

Originally Posted by SpunkyMama

She then went on to tell me the story of a boy she knows who is really embarrassed by nursing until he was 7 (when he found out that it was not the norm). Apparently they only nursed at home as he got older.

Does this drive anyone else crazy? It seems that anytime anyone mentions "extended" nursing, SOMEONE always has a story about "a kid they knew" who breastfed until they were 7 or 8 or 9 and how grossed out they and everyone else was about it. Seriously.....where ARE all these big kids who are being breastfed?! I feel like I run in pretty crunchy circles and in real life, I've NEVER heard of any 6 (or beyond) year old breastfeeding with any sort of regularity. Sure, you see the random youtube videos about this, but come on. Not really worth mentioning just because someone talks about clw or long-term breastfeeding.

Edited to add: I completely support families breastfeeding as long as they want, and I know there must a few here on MDC who nursed for a really long time - I would guess they are fairly private about it and also don't go around talking about how gross or embarrassing it is!

[familyblackout]

Originally Posted by Contented73

Does this drive anyone else crazy? It seems that anytime anyone mentions "extended" nursing, SOMEONE always has a story about "a kid they knew" who breastfed until they were 7 or 8 or 9 and how grossed out they and everyone else was about it.

:

These kinds of stories are repeated about circumcision, too- how uncirc'd boys grow up to be embarrassed by their intact penis and wish they had been circ'd at birth.
Will DS be embarrassed that he's uncirc'd? Or that we nursed until [at least 3]? I sure hope not! These decisions were all made out of love. If he ever feels embarrassed, I hope he comes and talks to me and I can explain that I did what I thought was right for him.
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