Effective coping techniques

[lawmama1984]

Hey everyone. I am looking for some effective techniques for controlling anger and/or frustration. I was spanked as a child (never "abusive" or excessively), and sometimes I find that when DS is doing something that I have redirected him away from or said "Not for Aydin" 1287318273 times, that my instinct is to give him a pop on the hand. I usually am able to control this, but I will admit I have done it a couple of times. I feel so horribly guilty afterwards and always give him lots of hugs and kisses (which I know is probably confusing to him).

Anyway, what do you do? I know he is only (almost) 13 months, so asking him to control his impulses to destroy. everything. in. the. house. may be asking too much (jk...kind of). But I just need to know what to do when I feel myself getting frustrated.

TIA

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Its really hard to have to say no a billion times a day. I think most people would have trouble not getting frustrated in that situation.

What we did was babyproof, babyproof, babyproof... so I didn't have to say no or redirect a billion times a day. Saved my sanity.

[lawmama1984]

Thank you for the response, Bellingham...we only have one baby gate up since we were trying to create as open an environment as possible, but I may have to explore other babyproofing methods. We moved the stuff we really don't want him playing with out of sight, but I want him to experience as much as possible, kwim? Rock and a hard place I guess

[Breeder]

First I agree with babyproofing. We made our whole 1st floor accessable. Everything he could destroy had to go up higher than he can reach. We got an entertainment armoire (msp probably!) that closes completely and the electronics live in there. We even have the table in the kitchen and made the dining room a play room with only baby friendly things (my older sons fragile comic books and action figures with the tasty looking parts live in his room).

It's hard to say no a billion times a day, so taking away as many of the reasons you might have to say it is truly helpful.

It is hard when you are moving away from something you were conditioned to think is appropriate.

When it is hard I say, "I love you too much to hurt you on purpose." in my head over and over... because that is the truth. I do. And it reminds me EXACTLY what physical punishment is (hurting on purpose) and that re-enforces my stance against.

Good luck, one day it will be less trying and more natural. Keep up the good work.

[lawmama1984]

Thank you, Breeder! I think reminding myself why I am choosing to use GD will really help. Maybe I need to go through again while he is visiting my parents next week and move everything up and away that I don't want him to play with, for his sake (and my sanity's sake). I just know the guilt I feel over the couple times I have broken and popped him are NOT worth it! And I definitely need to keep reminding myself that his curiosity and inquisitve nature are natural and blessings!

Thank you ladies again for your advice and encouragement

[GradysMom]

adjust some of your expectations... lower standards on things you can stand to do that with, babyproof like crazy.... distract with activities you know they love... accept some distruction with a philosophical sort of imperminence thing and.... othe sorts of adjustsments....

and of course... this too will pass...

[Awaken]

If you do a search on MDC, there's a "parenting and rage" thread that has a lot of ideas for dealing with anger and frustration, and a lot of support there.

[lawmama1984]

Thank you very much, Grady and Awaken...I will definitely look for that thread

[syd'smom]

I had to really switch my thinking. "Why was I (or dh) saying no"? I had to sit back and think about the situations and consequences. I'm too lazy to chase a toddler around and say no, pop on the hand, etc. (though I'm sure I've done both) - so I made my house baby-friendly. Nothing within her reach that I would be upset about if it got broken. I started to let her "help" when she wanted - it takes way longer, but she is happier and I find less interested if it is no longer "forbidden fruit".

Perfect example - it's 5:30 - we're packing to head to a friend's house for a bbq. Dd was about 20mos old. DH was packing a hotdog for her to eat when we got there. She saw it and wanted it now. DH automatically said no several times, escalating into a power struggle/tantrum (on both their sides ). I quietly pulled him aside and asked him why. It was what we were giving her to eat in an hour anyway :, and if she was hungry right now, why not let her have it - we both eat when we're hungry.

That day was a real shift for both of us as we realized that it is not about "giving in", it is about making our lives all work together. We try to save the no's and stops for serious safety issues.

Good luck mama - it is a great journey! :

[Theoretica]

Great post sydsmom!

nakking, but that last sentence is perfect. We have a 14mo dd and this is what works for us

[MammaV]

I resigned myself that the food would be dumped on the floor at meal time, because it's fun to watch the bowl go off the edge of the table, that my cookbooks on the low shelf would be on the floor several times a day and that the kids videos would be emptied out several times a day too. There are some activities that are so fun for little kidlets of that age. We have a drawer in the kitchen especially for the kids to empty and play in. I never stressed out about them getting into the pots and pans. Anything of real importance was put out of reach. Distraction works really well at this age, so do little jobs, like throw this in the trash/laundry basket etc. My kids loved to help me throw the clothes into the dryer. It took forever, but hey, I'll take the help!
We didn't stress over "no's" just if it was a safety issue.

[lawmama1984]

Thank you guys so much! You have really given me a lot to think about, and I think all of these suggestions will help

[NZmumof2]

I think the babyproofing suggestions are great, but certainly in our house they don't completely solve the frustration issues. Our dd aged 17 months, can climb onto everything in the house, benches, tables, bookcases... she is welcome to empty out the cupboards at ground level, but scaling the bench and throwing the things off the top of the fridge down is a bit much!

This is our third and I have to say my partner, who has been home with them all for the time between age 1 and age 2, just rolls her eyes and says this is not her favourite age to parent at times! Makes homeschooling the others pretty full-on when the baby is constantly on the table ... and while we can make the most of her sleep time that is also the only time Leah can sit down each day so it is hard to schedule too much stuff with the boys then.

I really like that line someone posted "I love you too much to hurt you on purpose". I think that'll be very handy more with the 9 yr old than the baby - I have moments when I'm convinced strangling him might be appropriate parenting!