not sure what to do

[sbrinton]

I'm having a really hard day. It feels like I have had a lot of really hard days recently. I don't know if this is postpartum depression or anxiety or what.

I am completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of three children. I am a stay-at-home mom. We have a huge house and trying to keep this place clean takes too much time. My husband and I are involved in several types of volunteer work and we're both active training for triathlons. But I just feel like I am drowning.

I've told my husband this over and over again and he just never seems to hear me. I'm not sure what to do. In the past when I've got to this point of feeling so overwhelmed and depressed, I've done some terrible things. I have agreed with him in the past to let him know before I get that desperate, but I feel like I am telling him I need help and he's just ignoring me. Boiling it down to "well okay, if I mop the floors than everything will be fine"...or other answers like that.

I would go in to counseling, but I desperately need help with my kids and I don't want to burn out our only babysitter on counseling when my husband and I need time together once in a while, or I need to be able to shop without the kids here and there.

In some ways I think we've made some huge mistakes - choosing to live in a too-big house that is too far away from everything - so we don't have enough money or time because we spend so much money on the house and gas, and so much time in the car. But it doens't seem like the right time to make a huge move or anything either.

And our marriage is just on the rocks. I find myself thinking about divorce almost daily. We've had one difficult thing after another for our family for years and although from the outside everything looks pretty perfect, on the inside we're falling apart.

I am ready to give up on talking to my husband. I have told him how I feel so many times and it's like he doesn't get it. At all. I don't know.

[in_ca]

You sound like a spectacular woman and a devoted wife and mother. Although I have just one DS, I went through the same recently re: husband not "getting it" not wanting to burn childcare (and pumped milk) on counseling, etc.

I lost it one day. Called a counselor the next and two months later am back among the living. The losing it was my cry for help from my husband who could not understand the magnitude of my despair as bad days just kept piling up.

One thing I also did was get my adrenal levels checked (by a homeopath, not traditional med). I was basically flatlining through the day due to lack of sleep and had no reserves, so now I take herbs for support and between that and about 8 counseling sessions, things are looking up, and most importantly I'm equipped better to deal with it. And things have improved between us as well.

Again, I'll say that you sound like an amazing woman. Please take action. You deserve to feel better. Hugs.

[demottm]

You could try and find a counsoler who can have appointments in the evening. That way your DH can watch the kids for an hour or 2 while you get help for yourself. As for DH not hearing what you are telling him...write him a letter. Also he may take notice that you are seeing a counsoler. Please don't make it to the point of doing something drastic just to have you DH realize you need help. I was having a really hard time just a few months ago and I am doing so much better now. But it wouldn't have just gotton better on its own, I had to take action and be a little bit selfish. (((HUGS))) to you mama!

[Brinestone]

First off, are the triathlons and volunteering something you enjoy doing and would regret cutting out of your life? If you're feeling overwhelmed, it might make sense to try eliminating some of the things you can control. Second, can you afford to hire cleaners to go with your big house? Even if they just did bathrooms and floors, it might make a big difference.

If you're worried about "burning out" your sitter, have you considered asking her for recommendations of other sitters in case she can't do it on a specific day?

I second the idea of writing a letter. Start with a list of "I feel" statements: "I feel overwhelmed," for example. Then list the things you need ("I need time alone with you once a week."). Give him some ideas for how he can help ("You can listen to me talk about how I'm feeling twice a week after the kids are in bed without trying to fix anything"). It might also help to include some of the things you love about him, that he's doing right.

And if all else fails, I'd try counseling. I'm debating it right now for us, actually.

[K-Mom3]

I can totally relate. My family sounds so much like yours, too! Married in 2002 and 3 kids about the same ages. At times I feel really overwhelmed with taking care of 3 kids but it is always worst when hormones and depression are in play. So yes, do something about that--take a ppd test, consider meds. Whether or not you have ppd and whether or not you take meds, it is a good idea to take vitamins, work on getting exercise and nutrition and rest, etc. And stress relief is key, too. Like Brinestone mentioned, this may involve setting priorities and removing some activities. Doing all these things will combat depression, give you energy and endorphins and all that good stuff that will make you more capable of handling life. If you're too overwhelmed to even think about adding in exercise and enough rest every day, really, seriously look into depression and medication.

For getting a break away from the kids, I sometimes trade afternoons with SAHM friends to get a break. Sometimes the idea of having MORE kids is even more overwhelming but I set aside housework, plan some fun activities and get through my time watching. It is TOTALLY worth it to get some time for myself in exchange.

It is really hard to communicate all this to hubbies. Even kind, compassionate hubbies. I have so many times expressed that I'm overwhelmed and dissatisfied and my husband always feels bad and often does a few extra chores or takes the kids on an outing....but then he considers that he's done his part. There's no continual plan in place to address the problem. So obviously, I haven't figured this one out either. But here are some ideas I have for you and for me. lol. Hopefully I can follow my own advice.

Don't give up on communicating with your husband! If the way you're doing it doesn't work, try a different way. Find a time when he's ready to listen, even if you have to schedule it. Tell him that your needs are not being met that you're not happy and that you really want to improve your marriage relationship. Maybe you're not really functioning as a team and you want to work out a better way. Tell him that you're frustrated about all the failed communications that you have tried in the past. Then ask him how he feels about all this and listen for where he's coming from. If you can talk in "me" statements rather than "you" statements it will feel less threatening and he's more likely to open up in response.

Tell him that you think you need counseling and ask him to help you brainstorm ways to make it happen. I think individual counseling sounds good and if you just can't get through to hubby still, I would really recommend that you go to counseling together. Really. Fix this problem before it gets worse.

Is the babysitter your only obstacle in getting some counseling? I am fortunate to have free babysitters in the form of family living near by. Are you concerned about overusing free babysitting? Or just asking for more time from a paid babysitter than she has to give you? Do you not know more than one person who you trust as a babysitter? Just wondering what, exactly, the babysitter problem is.