She HEARS me....but....no response....(long post..sorry)

[EmilyVorpe]

My dd is 25 months old and is bright. There are no development issues, no disorders, nothing. She's not autistic, not deaf. I can't think of anything else that could prevent her from.... "listening"...
I'm REALLY trying this gd parenting and I'm loving how gentle I am with my kids. My ds(5)doesn't need anything other than a gentle reminder to not do things, or do things, that need to be done for whatever reason.
My dd1....she's....not a "bad" child, because I don't believe any kids can be bad.... but I'm getting comments from more than a few people that they think she is bad.
Examples of behavior:

Unwilling to speak in soft voice, regardless of the situation. If she wants to scream, sing loudly, whatever it may be...she'll do it. I've shown her the baby is sleeping and she says "baby sleeping...shhhh" so she gets that part. But, if she allofasudden feels like belting a tune at the top of her lungs in the baby's sleeping face, she'll do it.

Will take off running outdoors (the parks, the beach) and will not stop. I'm sure she's excited and feels awesome running, but she CAN'T just run into the street. She REFUSES to hold hands ALL the time and we can't bring the stroller and sit her in the stroller to watch the other kids...she's at the "play age". We also can't stay at home every day all day because she doesn't do well with direction...or leave 1 minute into a trip to the park if she doesn't listen (because I don't think that's very fair to my other dc that DO follow the rules). We have had to yell TO her (not AT her) to slow down while we are running to catch her. She looks at us, and then keeps running. Not even a second of thinking she should maybe listen to us....

Will take things from the baby (or big brother) without asking. When reminded (or even told) to please give the toy back and the reasoning, she looks at us and just walks away with the toy. Her giving something back is unheard of.

She's not gentle...she'll take things and end up hurting ds and dd2 in order to get a blanket, toy, cup, whatever it may be. She doesn't care if the baby is crying from being tripped (or pushed). She just wants what she wants.

Telling her reasons for why we don't run in the street, take things from other people, or do anything else for that matter...it just doesn't seem to register. Like I said, she doesn't have anything preventing her from listening or from understanding...she just doesn't care to follow anything we have to say.

We're at the point that the children cannot play together, even with heavy supervision. I cannot leave the house for parks, beaches, zoos, anything, without my dh.

I know she is capable of following directions, because she does for a few things. But, the complete lack of caring what we are saying...it's really bothering me. And I can't really leave her in the care of anyone else because they don't know how to handle the situation.
What the heck am I missing? Please don't say its the age...because I've just spent 2 hours reading back posts where people mention their children listening and following simple directions at this age. I'm at the end of my rope...time with her is becoming less enjoyable because the whole time it's "please be gentle with the baby" "let's keep our voices shhh like this so we don't wake the baby" "we are going to hold mommy's hand while we walk into the store...please, just hold mommy's hand so you are safe...really, just hold my hand, walk next to me, or I can carry you...running into traffic isn't a choice..." "we aren't going scream at big brother when he is sitting quietly with his toy" "please...just please...be gentle and nice and sweet"



Any advice???? Words of wisdom? For safety and sanity, she needs to be able to know to obey at certain points.
(just got up to cross the room to answer the phone. she started pounding on sleeping baby's belly for no reason....I JUST DON'T GET IT!)

[Grace and Granola]

Hi there! I really feel for you and you sound just like I did a few months ago. My ds is about 29 months now, and I also have an almost 4 yr old. My first son was so easy compared to my second. He was very compliant, eager to please, and I wouldn't call him easy going, but definitely not like my second.

BUT, I was so glad to read your post, because it actually made me realize how much BETTER things are now than they were a few months ago. And I hope that will encourage you! And I have not handled my son very well in the past several months. There has been alot of shouting that I am not proud of, but when things really turned around was when I stopped trying to force my ds to do what I want him to. My husband is the master at making my son think he's the one in control, and I've had to learn from him. I'm sure you've heard that two year olds are trying to gain control and be in control of their environment. I had become so angry at my son's constant defiance that I started "laying down the law" and expecting obedience. It was not working. Now I've become the master of "if-then" and choices. Some examples: Please walk next to mommy. If you run away from me again, then you will have to stay in the stroller. (you MUST follow through!) The thing that makes me batty is when we're outside, coming in from the car and my son pokes around and won't come in. Or won't come to me to get his diaper changed. So I give him a choice: Would you like to walk into the house or should I carry you. or Will you come get your diaper changed or should I come and get you? MOST of the time he wants to do things himself. Sometimes, he shouts, "Nothing!" At which point, I go and get him!

We also had major bedtime battles which was destroying me. I considered giving up naps because it was such a battle and I thought that at least if he skipped his nap, then that's one less battle per day and hopefully bed time will go easier because he'll be exhausted! So, the first day I told him, you don't have to go to sleep if you don't want to, but you must have a rest in your room. If you get tired, then you can go to sleep, but you don't have to. From that day on, he naps without a fight!

The sibling stuff....my 2 yr old takes toys and bugs my 3 yr old, and I've stopped "punishing" my 2 yr old and just really showing love to my older. When 2 yr old takes 3 yr old's toy and 3 yr old comes running to me crying...I just empathize and ask him if he wants a hug. I think my 2 yr old gets aggravated by the extra love his older brother is getting. Plus the 2 yr old hears me saying things like, "Oh, that must really hurt your feelings, does that make you sad?" And I really think it's impacting my 2 yr old so he can see what he's doing is hurting someone else.

As far as the soft voice, I really think it's unreasonable to expect a two yr old to control their desire to belt out a song or shout with excitement or even remember for more than two minutes that they are supposed to be quiet. I can't even get my ultr-compliant child to be good at this. I would just suggest doing the best you can to eliminate the need for that. Can the baby sleep in a quiet room? Or at least somewhere your 2 yr old can't get in her face and hit her?

I have also done pseudo-time outs. Like when you mentioned you can't have the kids play together. If that were my house, whenever the 2 yr old got to the point that no one was having fun, I would ask her to take a break (I have my kids sit by the wall or on the step). Not isolated, it can be in the same room, but just say something like, It's not ok for you to hit your brother, it's time to take a break. Sit on the step until you're ready to play nicely. And when my son starts to get up from the step, I ask again, Are you ready to play nicely? And he'll say yes, and go back and play. He's getting the point. Things are getting better.

All that said, I think it's the age! I say that because I have one the exact same age going through the exact same thing. And it may not be the case for every 2 yr old, but it is for ours and mine is starting to grow out of it, and I'm sure yours will too! I think that if you try to see the positive in the negative trait it helps too. I bet our kids will not succumb to peer pressure. They are going to be strong and stubborn and passionate!

[ssh]

It is the age and your DD's temperament. There's a great book on dealing will temperament issues called "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Two year olds have very little impulse control so they often can't 'listen' well, especially intense 2 year olds. When my DD was going through the running away and being very loud in public phase, we just didn't go to a lot of places until things got better. I still usually shop when my DH can go with us too. Parks with fences or very large fields are a good idea. We didn't go to ones right on a road for awhile.

[crowcaw]

Yes, there are 2 yo's that listen and follow direction really well; and there are those that don't. I have twin dds that are nearly 4. One of them can finally keep her voice down but the other is entirely unable to. If I remind her we need to be quiet in situation she can manage it for the next utterance but by the next one she is again REALLY loud. We play games that require a quiet voice, tell stories in whispers, etc, but she cannot without serious concentration keep her voice down. She also cannot keep her fingers off of things. She just HAS to touch anything that looks to have an interesting texture, immediately taste any food in front of her (including things like flour spilled on the counter when we're baking), stop and smell every single flower (we are working so hard on not picking), pet every animal, stop dead in her tracks on the sidewalk to squat down and closely examine the tiniest insect for the longest time, sprinting away because she saw something glinting in the sun 2 blocks away.... She just has very little impulse control. It is slowly improving and I'm sure she'll master these things as she grows -- and if not it won't be for lack of trying -- but it's really hard for her to control her responses to things. She also has no delays, learning issues, is not on the spectrum, appears to be quite creative and smart, but is very intense and spontaneous. I know this isn't terribly helpful advice but for me really taking to heart how difficult it must be for her to navigate this world of stimulus has helped me to remain patient and accepting of her. I also recommend "Raising Your Spirited Child." I often re-read excerpts when I'm coming to the end of my rope with this one.

[PikkuMyy]

None of those things sound atypical for a 25 month old. I care for 3 two year olds (two at a time) and they all display this behavior, even though they listen sometimes.

I redirect over and over, I model over and over, I use a gentle voice, and I assist them in following me if they don't listen by the second time I ask.

[Viriditas]

I have a 3.5 year old who was/is the exact same way. Finally it's starting to get better.

One thing I can suggest is that if you really want her to listen, it's important to get down on her level, put your hands on her shoulders, wait until she's looking at you, then repeat your request. Most of the time this works SO much better then yelling a demand across the room over and over and getting more and more frustrated.

I also recommend "Raising Your Spirited Child." So many of the descriptions and anecdotes in that book described my ds EXACTLY, and it was so reassuring to know that I wasn't the only one with a child like this. And reading about why he does the things he does made me a much more understanding and flexible parent.

[IntrovertExtrovert]

At almost the exact same age, I was so worried about my son's ignoring that I called my ped. She very kindly did not laugh at me, and let me know that ignoring is totally and completely normal at that age.

Of course, a behavior being normal and age-appropriate doesn't mean that you have to just accept it. Now at 3, I tell my kid when he's ignoring me. And I remind him that if he ignores my questions, I get to choose the answer. So if I ask him whether he wants to pour his own milk (BIG FUN in our house these days) or have me do it for him and he ignores me 3 times, I get to decide and I "get" to pour the milk.

Sometimes reminding him that he's ignoring me works. Sometimes it doesn't. Unfortunately, it's still always a big tragedy when I do whatever awesome choice I was offering him. These days I hear "I wanted to do it! *wail*" a lot. And I find myself saying "I'm sorry that I didn't know that because you ignored me" a lot.

[mom2grrls]

Sounds like a normal 2 y/o to me For the running either hold her or hold her hand, that's really not something you can compromise on or let go. I've even read of using a ring sling around a toddler's waist to keep them close.

[inkslinger]

I also have a very spirited 2 year old. I know it can get frustrating, but it is all normal behavior for her age. I also recommend "raising Your Spirited Child"...it's a god-send. Redirection is pretty much the only thing you can do right now. It'll get better, I promise.

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by EmilyVorpe

My dd is 25 months old and is bright. There are no development issues, no disorders, nothing. She's not autistic, not deaf. I can't think of anything else that could prevent her from.... "listening"...

Central auditory processing disorder can look like that. It's hard to screen for it at 25 months, but you might want to find an audiologist/speech language therapist to talk to.

[One_Girl]

She is two and she doesn't have her self control there yet. She sounds like a normal two year old. Have you had her hearing formally tested by an audiologist? I just recently found out that my dd has some hearing loss that has been contributing to her "listening problems" that her pediatrician had been brushing off as not listening for the last four years. I have a soft voice and she just can't hear me and hasn't been able to for a long time. Whether your daughter has hearing loss or not, I suggest preventing what you can prevent, using a lot of redirection rather than talk (though explanations are good to a point), and making sure you have engaged her attention by going close to her and making sure she has her focus on you rather than on what she is doing. Don't get upset about what she isn't doing and compare her to your son, it may be she is just more active and impulse driven than he was. Every child is different and she will come into her ability to remember rules in her own time.

I also strongly encourage you to push for a formal hearing test from an audiologist, not just a tong test or a short screening (my daughter passed both of those), but a full test from an actual audiologist.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by IntrovertExtrovert

At almost the exact same age, I was so worried about my son's ignoring that I called my ped. She very kindly did not laugh at me, and let me know that ignoring is totally and completely normal at that age.

Of course, a behavior being normal and age-appropriate doesn't mean that you have to just accept it. Now at 3, I tell my kid when he's ignoring me. And I remind him that if he ignores my questions, I get to choose the answer. So if I ask him whether he wants to pour his own milk (BIG FUN in our house these days) or have me do it for him and he ignores me 3 times, I get to decide and I "get" to pour the milk.

Sometimes reminding him that he's ignoring me works. Sometimes it doesn't. Unfortunately, it's still always a big tragedy when I do whatever awesome choice I was offering him. These days I hear "I wanted to do it! *wail*" a lot. And I find myself saying "I'm sorry that I didn't know that because you ignored me" a lot.

!!! So adopting this. DS is about 30 months, but he loves having a little power and being allowed choices and autonomy and is VERY skilled at Not Hearing. And he's a very black and white kid. The rules are The RULES. (I don't know WHERE he got that!!! :P) Last summer, I actually had to teach him to ignore the rules to play creatively -- mixing his toys together and things like that. I think he'll like the structure of being allowed to choose or mommy will make the decision. And yes, then we'll have the tragedy when mommy makes the decision, but I think he'll get it pretty quickly.

Thanks mama!

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by mom2grrls

Sounds like a normal 2 y/o to me For the running either hold her or hold her hand, that's really not something you can compromise on or let go. I've even read of using a ring sling around a toddler's waist to keep them close.

We were at a medieval thingy a couple of months ago and DS kept trying to run into where there were large men in armor hitting each other with swords (aka sticks). A really long play-silk from his waist to my wrist did the trick perfectly. He could play without me holding him, but he found his limit and respected it after exploring the perimeter. I was surprised! I half expected him to go cat-on-a-leash on me and freak out.

[EmilyVorpe]

Originally Posted by RiverTam

Central auditory processing disorder can look like that. It's hard to screen for it at 25 months, but you might want to find an audiologist/speech language therapist to talk to.

I'm not so worried about the hearing...We've been through my ds having the hearing/speech issues and she speaks as well as he does (and he's almost 5 now). Her hearing is fine and have had her tested by a Ear/Nose/Throat specialist's audiologist.
I sat back and looked at what I could do and change with her, change my behavior instead of hers, and that seems to have made a lot of things disappear already. *crosses fingers*