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Single Mothers by Choice!

post #1 of 515
Thread Starter 
I know there are a few of you here. I know there used to be a thread. Shall we have another go at having a thread?
post #2 of 515
I am not a single mother by choice yet, but would love to follow a thread on the topic, as I am very seriously considering donor insemination, once I get back on my feet financially. I am a single mother to two amazing young DD's and just feel like I'm not done yet! However, I have absolutely zero interest in ever entering into another relationship. I'd love to hear experiences from the MDC single mothers by choice out there.
post #3 of 515
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KCMommy View Post
I am not a single mother by choice yet, but would love to follow a thread on the topic, as I am very seriously considering donor insemination, once I get back on my feet financially. I am a single mother to two amazing young DD's and just feel like I'm not done yet! However, I have absolutely zero interest in ever entering into another relationship. I'd love to hear experiences from the MDC single mothers by choice out there.
Great! I know just how you feel, I am not done yet either . Once the economy is on the up in a way that affects my family directly I am hoping for one more. I used a known donor for both my kids. For me, this was the right choice for various reasons, but also more complicated than a sperm bank, and I know that this is not right for everyone. Being a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me, it has been wonderful. Like you, I have zero interest in entering a relationship.
post #4 of 515
I am not a SMC.

My situation may be similar in some ways though. I have sole custody with no visitation - my daughter's never met her dad. I am the ONLY parent. I make all decisions, and my daughter has a single, consistent, loving home - no distruptions or trauma. And no drama from an ex. I don't get the free babysitting that co-parenting single moms do, but it is TOTALLY worth it to have a peaceful family of just two.

Sounds like you are already committed to being a SMC anyway, but if not, I wanted to add my $0.02 that in my view that's the preferred way to create a family! If I had it to do all over again, I've have skipped the marriage and just had a baby (with donor sperm). : And if I ever have an urge for another child, I'll do SMC for sure (probably foster-to-adopt).
post #5 of 515
I'm an SMC and think it's a fabulous way to create a family. I found myself at age 40 not married or significantly partnered, and decided to go it alone. DD was 1 year and 1 week old when we officially became family in 2003. She'll be going into 1st grade this fall.

So many people say to single moms "oh, I don't know how you do it!" My thought is how do married/partnered parents do it? How do they find time and energy to maintain the partner relationship AND the parental relationship? How does a parent cope with another parent when their parenting styles differ radically? How do 2 adults co-manage finances, religious practices, different interests, etc.?

I think being an SMC has turned out to be the best choice for me since I obviously don't play well with others!
post #6 of 515
Olivia,
I'm in the process of adopting again (which is taking for-freaking-ever!). What can you tell me about the transition from 1 to 2?
post #7 of 515
Well I would now officially classify myself as a SMC, even though I didn't go the donor route. I might as well have and I'm seriously considering telling DD we just had a donor, but I know who he was. Hopefully I have a few years to figure that one out.

I had some trouble in the beginning with ChoiceMoms and such cuz I didn't feel like I actually fit in there since this was a huge oops and not planned. But I AM planning on terminating his rights (which he agrees to) and probably not having him on the birth certificate, and I chose to have the baby even though it was an oops, so yeah, I'm a SMC.
post #8 of 515
Thread Starter 
I am so with you that being a solo parent is easier! I can't imagine the family dynamics of families with two parents (I was also mostly raised by a single mother), but it just has to be so much more complicated.

Going from one to two was wonderful. I am enjoying the interaction between my kids so much, and so are they . Obviously there are tricky moments, but the most important thing is that that clearly have a lot of love for each other. The only thing that I feel somewhat guilty about is that I have less one on one time to spend with DD. But it is working very well.
post #9 of 515
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by vegasgrl View Post
Well I would now officially classify myself as a SMC, even though I didn't go the donor route. I might as well have and I'm seriously considering telling DD we just had a donor, but I know who he was. Hopefully I have a few years to figure that one out.

I had some trouble in the beginning with ChoiceMoms and such cuz I didn't feel like I actually fit in there since this was a huge oops and not planned. But I AM planning on terminating his rights (which he agrees to) and probably not having him on the birth certificate, and I chose to have the baby even though it was an oops, so yeah, I'm a SMC.
Welcome!
post #10 of 515
can i join you ladies?

i might have well have had a donor.. i left ds's dad because he was abusive and we havent seen him for 7 years, he has no parental rights and i had to choose between my partner and the baby i was pg with .... who is now 13 weeks old: he hasnt met her and has no rights
post #11 of 515
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by emamum View Post
can i join you ladies?

i might have well have had a donor.. i left ds's dad because he was abusive and we havent seen him for 7 years, he has no parental rights and i had to choose between my partner and the baby i was pg with .... who is now 13 weeks old: he hasnt met her and has no rights
Come on in .

Anyone with more than two kids? I am really hoping for a third, once the financial situation improves, and would like to hear experiences.
post #12 of 515
Thread Starter 
Griffin, I hope it is OK to ask this... did you adopt domestically or internationally? Is the produce for solo parents to be different? I know you have to be married to adopt from China, or at least that used to be the case... Korea too I think.
post #13 of 515
I adopted internationally--from Guatemala. It's closed now with no re-opening in the foreseeable future unfortunately.

There are a seriously dwindling number of countries that singles can adopt from. China closed to singles in the last 2 or 3 yrs.

I think India, Colombia, Russia, Haiti, and Ethiopia are open to single women, but there may be limits on the ages/types of children availabe to them. There are probably other countries, but they don't come to mind. The State Department has a great central repository for other countries' requirements. http://adoption.state.gov/countryinformation.html

I'm going the foster-to-adopt route through my state this time.
post #14 of 515
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by griffin2004 View Post
I adopted internationally--from Guatemala. It's closed now with no re-opening in the foreseeable future unfortunately.

There are a seriously dwindling number of countries that singles can adopt from. China closed to singles in the last 2 or 3 yrs.

I think India, Colombia, Russia, Haiti, and Ethiopia are open to single women, but there may be limits on the ages/types of children availabe to them. There are probably other countries, but they don't come to mind. The State Department has a great central repository for other countries' requirements. http://adoption.state.gov/countryinformation.html

I'm going the foster-to-adopt route through my state this time.
That is interesting. So what limits are those, generally?
post #15 of 515
another SMC here - used a known local donor and have a almost 3 year old DD.

I'd like another but with the economy the way it is and my health - it's on the back burner for now.
post #16 of 515
Quote:
Originally Posted by MittensKittens View Post
That is interesting. So what limits are those, generally?
Good gravy. Just for kicks, I read up on China. Here's who's disqualified from adopting - among many, many others:

-single men
-single women
-gay couples
-married couples under age 30, or over age 50
-a married couple with <$80,000 assets
-a married couple with <$100,000 annual income (excluding "welfare, pensions, unemployment insurance, Government subsidies and the like")
-a married couple, one of whom is blind (even if just one eye)
-a married couple, one of whom has taken Prozac for two years
-a married couple, one of whom is fat ("Body Mass Index (BMI) of 40 or more")
-a married couple with five children already

http://adoption.state.gov/country/china.html#who1 Because apparently adoption by one of us degnerates is worse than life in an orphanage, or infanticide.
post #17 of 515
I'm a single mother not by choice per se. My son's father and I knew we wanted to have kids one day with each other if we never did with anyone else. Just wished and hoped that one day we would end up together. Right now, its just about me and my son. I want to have another child one day but we'll see. If I have to do it alone, then so be it.
post #18 of 515
You could proably consider me as a single mom by choice even though I was ttc with my son's father had 2 losses one at 20 wks 5 days and another was when baby passed at 7 wks 5 days but i didn't start m/c until 10 wks .

So when I got pg with brendan my son's father wasn't there in the pregnancy and then finally when he got the nerve up to attend one of my dr appt that is when the ob had to give a 'scare' so of course he thought I was going to have abnormal baby hence the reason why I lost the first one so he was really upset so I had to attend many of the rest dr appt alone along with L&D . Suprisingly at the time of Brendan birthday he weighed bigger than they thought he was going too be but still small.

Anyways, my son's father got into a position of being 'real mean' and I ended up in a emotional wreck so he decided he wasn't going to help out with brendan .

So when he could have 'drove' to a store just 7 blocks away when my son had a 103.5 fever at 4 months of age to get some infant tynelol went to sleep instead so I called the nurse said no infant tyenol but infant motrin so she said even though motrin shouldn't be given til 6 months but you need the 'fever down' so use less does than what it says for a 6 month old so that's what I did.

A week later I made plane reservations took my boy even though I thought I was coming back to 'california' but things delayed so then it was like I didn't want to go back to live with my son's father.

So then I moved into my place on july 2005 when brendan was 11 months old!

So now I don't have a relationship now with any guys but would love to have another child but I have a 'deletion' that can be a 50% chance of getting a child alive with the deletion that I have because it was inherited in the first one -hence the abnormal child talk that my ex was talking about and i'm 32 years old . I was hoping to have had 2 kids by now or even more but fear brendan may be my only child because I as a single mom if I had a child like me mildy with my deletion it will still be an expensive road .
post #19 of 515
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
Good gravy. Just for kicks, I read up on China. Here's who's disqualified from adopting - among many, many others:

-single men
-single women
-gay couples
-married couples under age 30, or over age 50
-a married couple with <$80,000 assets
-a married couple with <$100,000 annual income (excluding "welfare, pensions, unemployment insurance, Government subsidies and the like")
-a married couple, one of whom is blind (even if just one eye)
-a married couple, one of whom has taken Prozac for two years
-a married couple, one of whom is fat ("Body Mass Index (BMI) of 40 or more")
-a married couple with five children already

http://adoption.state.gov/country/china.html#who1 Because apparently adoption by one of us degnerates is worse than life in an orphanage, or infanticide.
I never read that actually, because I had heard that the situation was something similar to that. It makes me really sad.
post #20 of 515
I have been a SMC for 13 yrs by foster care and adoption. I love it! I had a recent brief period of being married and I hated every minute of it. I tried several times to get pg, but XH would then say he didn't want me to have his child. I lost those pg. I'm now pg on my own and I am loving that also. Funny because I grew up with both parents married until death did they part.

Marriage with children is just not for me. The man was sooo needy and I hated having to divide my time between the husband and the children. I always felt like I was neglecting one or the other. Also, I love making my own decisions. It does help greatly that my children do receive adoption subsidy. I did want to have a bio child though and then I think I will just stick with doing foster care/no adoptions.
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