Single Mothers by Choice! - Page 12

[Satori]

Originally Posted by KCMommy

Well, I think I am going to be starting the SMC journey soon! I had some personal financial criteria that I wanted to meet before starting the DI process and things have fallen into place in the last month. Now, I still wouldn't mind losing about 20 lbs before getting pregnant, but we'll see what the doc has to say. I have a phone meeting booked with the doctor from Repromed in Toronto on Jan 7th. Very exciting!

The only other holdback is that my divorce isn't finalized yet. But we have been seperated for 16 months now.... the divorce could take another year? I don't want to wait that long to start TTC, as it could take a while to catch and then of course there's the other nine months. DD2 is already 25 months old, and I don't want her little sister/brother to be toooo much younger than her.

Cheers, all! I like reading about your journeys as I embark on mine.

- Krysta

FtMPapa gives good advice, check the laws, I know in the US any child conceived while still legally married is considered a product of the marriage and your husband will be the legal father. Using donor sperm will not remove him from the picture so I'd double check it or speed up the divorce because this will only prolong and quite possibly make things worse if he's on the hook for a child he doesn't want (assuming here since you are getting a divorce).

[celesterra]

Originally Posted by Satori

FtMPapa gives good advice, check the laws, I know in the US any child conceived while still legally married is considered a product of the marriage and your husband will be the legal father. Using donor sperm will not remove him from the picture so I'd double check it or speed up the divorce because this will only prolong and quite possibly make things worse if he's on the hook for a child he doesn't want (assuming here since you are getting a divorce).

She's right. I conceived my boys with a donor while separated from my ex. We put that he is not the father into our divorce judgment, but it's still causing problems for me.

[Newbian Mama]

Welcome to the group celesterra, KCMommy, and FtMPapa! It's always exciting to see new people post.

Celesterra - you must have your hands full with toddler twins! I am so inspired and happy for you that you had them after 15 years of infertility. You must be the most patient, optimistic person ever.

Chelsie - So it sounds like you're going to wait a few months? The time will fly by!

As for me, I purchased 3 long profiles and only liked one so I bought 2 more and now I have my top three donors. I heart the primary donor I picked and I really hope he's available when I go in. He was one of the few donors who had a video interview and I liked that he seemed very poised and well-spoken. He also had a great answer on why he chose to donate sperm. When I finished watching the video the first time, my immediate thought was "I wouldn't mind my kids meeting him one day". That sealed the deal.

My cycle has changed since I've been on vitex so I won't ovulate again until early February which is fine with me. I have an appointment with the sperm bank later this month for a gynecological exam. I sort of can't believe this is all happening so fast!

[FtMPapa]

NewbianMama - such an exciting time! Hopefully you'll be pregnant before you know it!

I'm struggling a big with being single these days. I'm about a week away from my egg retrieval for IVF, which is a minor surgery, as far as surgical procedures go, but it's still a big deal.

I've done a good job by all accounts of lining up people to go with me, people to drive me, people to look after my dogs for a couple of days, etc, but I keep thinking if I was partnered, I'd have a built-in support system which would come with cuddles. Of course, there are hard parts about being partnered, too, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

[KCMommy]

Originally Posted by Satori

FtMPapa gives good advice, check the laws, I know in the US any child conceived while still legally married is considered a product of the marriage and your husband will be the legal father. Using donor sperm will not remove him from the picture so I'd double check it or speed up the divorce because this will only prolong and quite possibly make things worse if he's on the hook for a child he doesn't want (assuming here since you are getting a divorce).

Yes, I will tread carefully on the legal stuff. I expect this DI process will take a while - maybe we will be done with the divorce by then. I just finished my phone consultation with the specialist this afternoon and my next step is to do an ovulation kit next month and to do the D.A.D.S. consultation - yay!

I picked the father of my first two children (my ex-husband) at a bar one hazy night, so this process seems much more reputable to me. :-)

[KCMommy]

Originally Posted by FtMPapa

I've done a good job by all accounts of lining up people to go with me, people to drive me, people to look after my dogs for a couple of days, etc, but I keep thinking if I was partnered, I'd have a built-in support system which would come with cuddles. Of course, there are hard parts about being partnered, too, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I try not to be so cynical about marriages after mine failed, but my "built-in support system" sure didn't come with cuddles. My "partner" got angry when I wasn't as efficient a farm worker when dealing with morning sickness. He refused to attend any ultrasound or doc appoint's. He didn't even bother coming to the birth of our second child! And then, when he did show up to visit us in hospital, he gave me a silent treatment for reasons completely unknown to me (I later discovered that he was angry because one of his friends had accused him of not helping or being involved enough with the birth and our children!) So I spent the first day of my precious baby's life trying to figure out what I had done wrong and to coax my "support system" into speaking to me after I'd delivered his child.

Wow, I just realize how jaded I have become!

But, I am so excited about the possibility of bearing a child into a loving family with respect and nurturance and no fear or shaming.

[shibababy]

I haven't been here in a while, but wanted to announce the birth of my beautiful baby girl on 11/30. She is my baby conceived after 3 losses and it was a rough journey filled with anxiety about what could go wrong, but less stressful than when I was pg before and "with" the father.

I did hire a doula to be my support system. I didn't want any friends to attend the birth although one did (self-invited). I drove myself to the hospital (was induced) and I also drove myself home. I did have offers of help with transportation, but find that it is sometimes easier just to do it myself. Luckily, I do have a teenager who has been remarkable about helping out around the house.

I'm due to return to work in two weeks and having a hard time with the thought of leaving my baby. I will get to see her and bf her at lunch time thanks to a very supportive boss.

Good Luck to everyone ttc/pg in 2010.

[KCMommy]

Wow, congratulations Shibababy! And <hugs> about having to return to work so soon.

- K

[Newbian Mama]

shibababy - Congratulations on your new baby!!! I'm glad you have the opportunity to continue your breast feeding relationship.

FtMPapa - fxfxfx and for you. I hope this time is your time.

I'm 6 days away from my intro appointment with the sperm bank. It is actually a re-intro appointment so I'm not nervous. I am super anxious for the beginning of February, which is when I should be ready for insemination.
I am probably getting ahead of myself as I have been combing through midwife recommendations and I've already picked two to interview! LOL

How's everyone else? Where's Mittens Kittens?

[KCMommy]

I did my initial consultation a couple weeks ago now ($150 for a 9 min phone call!) and am moving on to narrowing down the donor list to get the detailed profiles. This is a bit surreal, but exciting. :-)

[Newbian Mama]

Surreal, but exciting... I think that should be the national tagline of Solo Mom's/SMCs! Do you have quite a few donors to choose from? I found that when I expanded my donor base, I was able to choose more quickly. Makes no sense, huh? :-)

$150 for 9 minutes? I'm in the wrong business!

[MittensKittens]

Shibababy, congratulations, that is wonderful!

New people, welcome .

Hope you are all doing OK. I haven't been in for a while... too busy working, unfortunately. My son did celebrate his first birthday on December 30th, and he has started walking!

Newbian, not long now... I'm so excited for you! Are you planning to homebirth, since you are looking into midwives?

[Newbian Mama]

Glad to hear from you, MK! And your baby is walking? You must be all kinds of happy. Now he can chase your daughter :-)

I hope you're able to get some time for yourself in between the kids and work.

Thanks for asking, yes I am planning a homebirth; I've been planning one since I was 17 years old LOL. I think I have found The One! She sounds absolutely fantastic on her website and I hope she is just as fantastic in person. Also, there is a great collective that offers tons of classes including Planning a Homebirth, Newborn Baby Care, Baby Signs, etc.

U had a little anxiety today about becoming a mother but I worked through it and I'm back on track. Two more days until the consultative appointment.

[Talya]

Hi all,

I'd given up on finding mr right, and ended up with mr nextdoor's beautiful baby daughter (just turned three!). But dad is definitely not mr right (though we tried for a while...). I have no regrets, but "if I'd known then what I know now" I would have done things differently like many here and avoided a lot of complications (I would like to move back to Oregon where I have more friends and family, but can't because of his rights...). I think I was looking for a forum like this back then but didn't know it. (How can we reach more women like me??)

Anyway, I recently got re-acquainted with a guy I used to teach with at an alternative school a few years ago, and he was miffed at my situation because he's given up on finding ms right and wishes he was mr nextdoor. I told him he should donate, and he says he looked into it already and they won't take him because he's too old (just over 40 I think) and too thin (his whole family are beanpoles). Is that true that he's not even allowed to donate? He's like a supergenius, graduated college at 18, "retired" at 30 (he was tearing up his salary checks the whole time the school was having budget problems) and is just a super nice guy, and wants to donate because he's got great genes except for the beanpole thing. (I've met his nieces and nephews and they're all adorable.) He wanted kids of his own too but has had a run of bad luck (last story was really sad but I shouldn't share it). I told him if I wanted another kid... but he says he gets that a lot, and it never happens. So, I don't know what to tell him. My baby's daddy got picked because he was nextdoor and good looking, so I can hardly offer him hope, but it sure seems like he should be easy to match. Any thoughts for him?

(Just called him and asked him a little more about what he would want or expect. He says he wouldn't want to be completely anonymous--wants to stay in touch and wants his kids to know who their father is, but wouldn't expect any custody or control. He said he'd even consider offering financial support(!), no strings attached. I wish I had that deal now, but I'm not sure I would have been foresightful enough to take it at the time. :/ Anyway, is there a venue for finding guys like him, or is he just out of luck?)

Talya

[princesstutu]

Why can't he just "donate" to whomever wants his sperm? Isn't that easier, anyway?

Maybe I just misunderstand the issue, as I'm not institution-minded.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by princesstutu

Why can't he just "donate" to whomever wants his sperm? Isn't that easier, anyway?

Maybe I just misunderstand the issue, as I'm not institution-minded.

Yup. He can donate not as an anonymous donor through a sperm bank, but as a known donor, either through a sperm bank, or the low-tech way.

MDC even has a smiley for it - (Kidding, but that's what I see - a known sperm donor.)

If you're thinking known donor, Talya, be prepared to have a lot of conversation and sign a donor agreement, which is not necessarily legally binding, but they have been upheld by courts in the past. Once the kid is born, you may want to sever any parental rights and obligations he might have. It is right for me and mine, but I found Mr. Right Donor, if you don't find him, it's not going to work for you.

[Newbian Mama]

Hi talya and welcome to MDC! Honored that your first post was with us Solo Moms :-) Congratulations on your daughter.

Not sure how to reach more SMCs but I do wish we were our own sub-group like SAHM Parents and Queer Parents. I think it would be easier for people to find us and to know what we're about.

The only sperm bank I know that would be a great match for your friend is Rainbow Flag Health Services in Alameda, CA. I'd heard they were no longer accepting donors but it seems that's not true as the site was last updated 01/10. That sperm bank accepts donors of all ages and sexual orientations. Also they tell the mother who the father is when the baby is 3 months old so the three of them can establish a relationship. Had I known they were still doing frozen sperm inseminations I would have used them. BTW, I've never heard of a donor being too thin! One of the donors I was considering using is 6'2" and 155 pounds, super thin, and he is a donor.

Also there is a Yahoo group for known donors (KD) and there is a website (they are not related. Chelsie told me all about it a couple of pages back so you may want to read that.

If you yourself are looking at your friend to be a donor, you may want to consider going the directed donor route. He donates to a clinic and they screen the sperm and then it goes to you. It's more expensive than "the old-fashioned way" but it also offers built-in legal protection. I don't know about other states but here in CA no one can terminate parental rights except a judge, even with the contract.

Best of luck to you, your family, and your friend!

Originally Posted by Talya

Hi all,

I'd given up on finding mr right, and ended up with mr nextdoor's beautiful baby daughter (just turned three!). But dad is definitely not mr right (though we tried for a while...). I have no regrets, but "if I'd known then what I know now" I would have done things differently like many here and avoided a lot of complications (I would like to move back to Oregon where I have more friends and family, but can't because of his rights...). I think I was looking for a forum like this back then but didn't know it. (How can we reach more women like me??)

Anyway, I recently got re-acquainted with a guy I used to teach with at an alternative school a few years ago, and he was miffed at my situation because he's given up on finding ms right and wishes he was mr nextdoor. I told him he should donate, and he says he looked into it already and they won't take him because he's too old (just over 40 I think) and too thin (his whole family are beanpoles). Is that true that he's not even allowed to donate? He's like a supergenius, graduated college at 18, "retired" at 30 (he was tearing up his salary checks the whole time the school was having budget problems) and is just a super nice guy, and wants to donate because he's got great genes except for the beanpole thing. (I've met his nieces and nephews and they're all adorable.) He wanted kids of his own too but has had a run of bad luck (last story was really sad but I shouldn't share it). I told him if I wanted another kid... but he says he gets that a lot, and it never happens. So, I don't know what to tell him. My baby's daddy got picked because he was nextdoor and good looking, so I can hardly offer him hope, but it sure seems like he should be easy to match. Any thoughts for him?

(Just called him and asked him a little more about what he would want or expect. He says he wouldn't want to be completely anonymous--wants to stay in touch and wants his kids to know who their father is, but wouldn't expect any custody or control. He said he'd even consider offering financial support(!), no strings attached. I wish I had that deal now, but I'm not sure I would have been foresightful enough to take it at the time. :/ Anyway, is there a venue for finding guys like him, or is he just out of luck?)

Talya

[Newbian Mama]

LOL! You had me fooled with the MDC smiley!! I thought you were serious so I hovered my mouse over to check for myself. I've been reading too many midwives pages and my brain is shot to heck :-)

[KCMommy]

Well, my D.A.D.S. consultation with Repromed is booked for Wednesday! I think it is a combination phone call and Windows Live Messanger consultation. They use the latter so I can view donor likeness photographs. I wonder if I can save the photos... I would like to be able to share them with my sisters and mother.

What kind of criteria did you ladies use in your selections? I know I am hoping for the same ethnicity and colouration as my other two daughters, but I am not really sure what else...! Educational level is not a huge priority because I don't think that is necessarily an indication of intelligence.

The Clear Blue ovulation kit deteted an LH surge last week, so I know I am ovulating, at least. The initial consultation doctor was a bit concerned (fertility-wise) about the fact that I am still breastfeeding my 2.5 year old on demand but my periods have been regular since they came in a few months ago and well, I just *feel* fertile.

I'd still like to lose a little more weight and hopefully reach a settlement with my ex before actually making an attempt, but we'll see how things go. I own a small daycare with 4 employees and I live in the same building, so I feel like I have a pretty good set-up for raising another child as a single mom. You know, with a built in support system - at least as far as child-care goes.

- K

[Talya]

Originally Posted by KCMommy

What kind of criteria did you ladies use in your selections? I know I am hoping for the same ethnicity and colouration as my other two daughters, but I am not really sure what else...! Educational level is not a huge priority because I don't think that is necessarily an indication of intelligence.

For me, general demeanor is pretty important. Every month it seems my little girl shows me a new side of her that's like her dad, which I might expect if they were spending time together but they aren't so it's clearly genetics. That's what scares me about the clinics--I want to meet this person who is going to make up half of my kids. (If I choose to have another, I will probably take my friend up on his offer for this reason.)

What's the reason to go to a clinic instead of just finding a guy who may not be LTR material but who fits the bill for what you want in a "donor"? Is it just legal and custody issues? Is there really no way to codify up front his willingness to father without strings?

Originally Posted by Newbian Mama

If you yourself are looking at your friend to be a donor, you may want to consider going the directed donor route. He donates to a clinic and they screen the sperm and then it goes to you. It's more expensive than "the old-fashioned way" but it also offers built-in legal protection.

I know this will sound naive, but I know him well enough that I am not worried about legal issues with him (if ever there were a "man of his word"...). But I understand how things change, and people change... so I will be careful.

What do they "screen" for, and do we really know that nothing gets screwed up in the process? I am not a Luddite by any means, but when it comes to the body I tend to trust nature to have worked out a lot of little details that science doesn't understand yet. (Another example of where a clinic worries me--you know how some guys just smell wrong, and some smell right? Your body knows who's a genetic match for you and who's not... It's not something I can tell from a spec sheet!)

-Talya

p.s., KCMommy, Sounds like a great setup re. childcare.