Single Mothers by Choice! - Page 22

[reddeermomma]

Hello Ladies,

So, I read way back, and I admire each and every one of you for your amazing wilpower. 

I am a SMC with my DD (8), and may possibly be a SMC with my second child at this point. The DF doesn't want me to go through with the pregnancy, and I am not keen on forcing either, so we shall see where this road goes. I have no fear, and this child was meant to be, and I have a whole lotta love to give it.. so bring on the single mothering!

I am having a really hard time however with peoples judgements on being a single parents by choice. It seems that because I am not wealthy, and I work full time, that I can't love a child the same as the ones money can buy.. (if im rambling, im beyond exhausted these days.. yay first tri)

Anyways, I have a wonderful support system in one of my parents, and all my friends who are the closest thing to an immediate family I have here! (Im 1500 KM away from where "home" is though this is HOME for me)

Cheers and props to you all <3

[Pumpkin_Pie]

GAH!  I lost my known donor.  I thought he was a safe choice to ask, and he was very much on board with the whole thing and then about two weeks ago, he started hitting on me, saying very sexual things to me at work, etc.  I finally had to ask him to stop and I am now feeling like I am starting over at square one.  I have been looking through online sperm banks and am thinking that may be the way that I end up having to go.  I was so not wanting to use a bank due to the expense, but it looks like that is what I will be doing.  Now to find a bank! 

I am really hoping to inseminate for the first time in May or June.  For those of you who are inseminating, are you charting currently?  I have been charting this month for the very first time and am on CD22 with no signs of ovulation yet.  In fact, my temp sank in a huge way this morning.  I generally have long cycles, but not this long.  I just can't quite figure out what is going on.  I am kind of happy that this is not the cycle that I would be trying to inseminate with O not seeming to be happening.  ARGH! 

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Originally Posted by reddeermomma 

Hello Ladies,

So, I read way back, and I admire each and every one of you for your amazing wilpower. 

I am a SMC with my DD (8), and may possibly be a SMC with my second child at this point. The DF doesn't want me to go through with the pregnancy, and I am not keen on forcing either, so we shall see where this road goes. I have no fear, and this child was meant to be, and I have a whole lotta love to give it.. so bring on the single mothering!

I am having a really hard time however with peoples judgements on being a single parents by choice. It seems that because I am not wealthy, and I work full time, that I can't love a child the same as the ones money can buy.. (if im rambling, im beyond exhausted these days.. yay first tri)

Anyways, I have a wonderful support system in one of my parents, and all my friends who are the closest thing to an immediate family I have here! (Im 1500 KM away from where "home" is though this is HOME for me)

Cheers and props to you all <3

Reddeermomma,  I hear you on people's judgements on being a SMBC.  I told my best friend who is also a single mama (although not by choice) and her reaction was extremely negative.  It was very hard to hear her not be supportive.  I think at this point, I am not going to tell anyone until I am actually pregnant. 

[reddeermomma]

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie 

Reddeermomma,  I hear you on people's judgements on being a SMBC.  I told my best friend who is also a single mama (although not by choice) and her reaction was extremely negative.  It was very hard to hear her not be supportive.  I think at this point, I am not going to tell anyone until I am actually pregnant. 

as long as you aren't a drug addict or an alcoholic doing things to your body that could create turmoil in a chid, then who cares what your relationship status is! It takes love to raise a child, and if we're confident women enough to support and love another being, then our "status" doesn't matter. 

Plus, I kinda like being the only one that can make or break my child. I know that the successes she has are mine too, and that theres no arguments on schooling, or hairstyles, clothing, or anyone for her to play against :)

I'll admit though, my dad was amazing when i told him.. my mother, is going to destroy me emotionally. :(

[habitat]

Welcome, RedDeerMomma! Please don't let other peoples' judgements make you self-concious! Make the choice that works for you. You are a strong, powerful woman and you deserve to bring a life into the world if you choose to do so, and on your own terms! Quantity is no match for quality, as far as parents go. I can testify to that end. 

I also like that I get to make all the decisions, and have the ultimate say. I love that I can take all the credit, and work though any problems that come up in the way that feels right to me and my child. No questions asked. Incredibly empowering.

Pumpkin Pie, so sorry to hear that you lost your donor! I would definitely drop him like you did, though, if he's started behaving that way. Not worth it. Totally inappropriate. Not okay. What is he thinking?! Good for you to stand up for yourself! Keep being vocal and keep making it clear that you don't consent to his advances and that he should BACK OFF. Ew! I wish you the best in finding a donor, whether known or from a bank. Have you heard of the Free Sperm Donors yahoo group? It seems like some singles/couples have had success. I subscribe to it and it might be something to look into, but if you're going to post, you have to be very clear that you want to be inseminated artificially, if you know what I mean. Some would be staunchly against that kind of thing, but I'd probablydo it if I didn't have another known donor - If I found someone I liked and could respect, and if I had his test results/medical history.

I'm charting. It's been such a help. Are you sure your thermometer is working? I've had to get a new thermometer before because it just wasn't giving me a consist ant reading. My charting problems were solved once I got a new one. That said, it could just be an irregular cycle, too. And, in that case, charting is perfect, because there's no guessing. You're not dependent on a calender - you're just ovulating or your not.

Peace, Mamas!

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Pumpkin Pie, so sorry to hear that you lost your donor! I would definitely drop him like you did, though, if he's started behaving that way. Not worth it. Totally inappropriate. Not okay. What is he thinking?! Good for you to stand up for yourself! Keep being vocal and keep making it clear that you don't consent to his advances and that he should BACK OFF. Ew! I wish you the best in finding a donor, whether known or from a bank. Have you heard of the Free Sperm Donors yahoo group? It seems like some singles/couples have had success. I subscribe to it and it might be something to look into, but if you're going to post, you have to be very clear that you want to be inseminated artificially, if you know what I mean. Some would be staunchly against that kind of thing, but I'd probablydo it if I didn't have another known donor - If I found someone I liked and could respect, and if I had his test results/medical history.

I'm charting. It's been such a help. Are you sure your thermometer is working? I've had to get a new thermometer before because it just wasn't giving me a consist ant reading. My charting problems were solved once I got a new one. That said, it could just be an irregular cycle, too. And, in that case, charting is perfect, because there's no guessing. You're not dependent on a calender - you're just ovulating or your not.

Peace, Mamas!

The Yahoo group sounds like a good thing, but I did a quick search and it looks like there are no registered donors in my state, or anywhere near me.  Hope it gets up and running with more folks eventually.

So, tonight I spoke with a friend who had a child using a known donor that she found through placing an ad in a local paper.  I am so intrigued by her experience and can't wait to talk to her again! She said she placed the ad, and got a ton of responses.  Yes, some were creepy, but some were very genuine.  The one that she chose had actually donated to a sperm bank previously, so he knew his approximate sperm count.  She also had a question list from a sperm bank that she asked him at her interview with him and he also had recently had an HIV and Hepatitis test done for a life insurance policy, so she was pretty sure he was healthy.  Unfortunately, he is now living on the other side of the country, but I am seriously thinking about placing a similar ad.  I would really love to be able to do this with fresh semen rather than going through the expense of ordering through a bank.  I am also considering having a friend meet the person to get the sample so the donor never even knows my identity.  I am totally ok with a donor that does not want to be contacted in the future, although if he did want things like pictures, or even potential limited contact, I might be ok with that too.  I am just so excited to get this going, but I want to make sure I do it the right way to keep me and my family safe.
 

[Pumpkin_Pie]

I just put an ad in our local paper!  Yikes!  So hoping it works out.  Here is what I wrote for my ad: 

Sperm donor wanted for artificial insemination: I am a single mother to a fabulous 4 year old and would love to give him a sibling. Donor must be disease free and willing to stick with me for multiple cycles if pregnancy is not achieved right away. Leave me a message and we can set up a time for an interview.

What do you ladies think?  I placed it in the "Personals" section under "Friends wanted".  I also put up a super cute pic of some baby feet as my "profile pic" hoping it will catch someone's eye.  Crossing my fingers that this works!! I am so excited/scared/AARRRGGHHH!!!!

[esg]

Hi, ladies! Thanks so much for the congrats!

It looks like I've missed quite a bit lately which is great. I love that the thread is picking up a bit.

Habitat, so nice to see you back here! How have you been? Your KD arrangement sounds like its coming along well. I like to hear that as I usually only hear about the bad things such an arrangement can have. Some men I hear about tend to think one thing of the arrangement when its something else. Lining it all up is genius. It truly takes more than just words to set it up.

Pumpkin Pie, I am impressed with you posting an ad. I definitely want to hear about how it goes.

How are you screening them? How has your luck been weeding out any baddies, if any?

I loved Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I credit it with helping me to get pregnant. Great book!

I'm not really up to much right now. I finally have my computer keyboard fixed so I should be back to posting while he's resting.

My sister is holding Jett right now so I wanted to take a minute and peek in. Glad I did!

Hope everyone is well!

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Originally Posted by esg 

Pumpkin Pie, I am impressed with you posting an ad. I definitely want to hear about how it goes.

How are you screening them? How has your luck been weeding out any baddies, if any?

I loved Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I credit it with helping me to get pregnant. Great book!

I have two potential donors!  I finally received some responses yesterday and two definitely sound like they are serious and definite possibilities.  I did get a few weirdos who sent things like "Only in town for tonight, call me" with a very posed pic of them.  I just delete those but the two that sent serious responses both wrote about having wanted to help a family for a while, they wrote about their job, their hobbies, described physical attributes, etc.  I figure they are at least a starting point and I can interview them and see where it goes. 

I think I am going to just have an initial meeting with them to see if I feel like they are really serious and then at that point I am going to give them a copy of a sperm bank donor questionnaire that I found online.  It goes into depth about health history, family history, employment, hobbies, education, etc.  I also am going to use a contract, although I have heard that they are not considered a legal document if it ever goes to court.  I like that they at least state everyone's intentions up front. 

Getting so excited!!!

Now if only ovulation would happen for this cycle.  I am getting a little frustrated with my body right now.  I am on CD27 and still have not ovulated.  Grrrrr......................

[esg]

Wow! you've gotten potential donors already? Thats so crazy! I find it really interesting how eager people are to help with something this big. Thats really cool for you and very exciting. It really sounds like you've got your plan set up. This will definitely be interesting to follow. I really want to hear more!

Sorry to hear your cycle is treating you bad. I can' help you with ovulation though I wish I could. Hopefully it will show up very soon so you can get your body on a roll. Are you using OPKs or anything?
 

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie 

I have two potential donors!  I finally received some responses yesterday and two definitely sound like they are serious and definite possibilities.  I did get a few weirdos who sent things like "Only in town for tonight, call me" with a very posed pic of them.  I just delete those but the two that sent serious responses both wrote about having wanted to help a family for a while, they wrote about their job, their hobbies, described physical attributes, etc.  I figure they are at least a starting point and I can interview them and see where it goes. 

I think I am going to just have an initial meeting with them to see if I feel like they are really serious and then at that point I am going to give them a copy of a sperm bank donor questionnaire that I found online.  It goes into depth about health history, family history, employment, hobbies, education, etc.  I also am going to use a contract, although I have heard that they are not considered a legal document if it ever goes to court.  I like that they at least state everyone's intentions up front. 

Getting so excited!!!

Now if only ovulation would happen for this cycle.  I am getting a little frustrated with my body right now.  I am on CD27 and still have not ovulated.  Grrrrr......................

Reddeermomma, I saw your post but I'm sorry I didn't respond!

Hi! Nice to have you here.

I haven't encountered any bad comments so far but I'm thinking that they're out there. I'm not wealthy either and I'm sure my family thinks I'm out of my mind being 25 with a new baby and not going back to the work I had for two years. I expected a lot of comments but I guess people are keeping them to themselves or saying it all behind my back. I don't care though. I'd much rather have my baby, my happiness than sit around trying to make other people understand or accept my life and my choices. Like you, I'm very blessed to be surrounded by supportive family.

Good luck to you and your little one to be!

AFM, I've joined the Unjobbing Tribe here and I am excited to get some work done on my own. I don't want to ever go back to work so I need to get my butt in gear!

On top of that, I've started thinking about another baby in a few years. Nuts, right? I'm anxious to get into it all again once my little guy grows up a bit.

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Ok, so I have a meeting set up to interview a potential donor!  I am so excited, scared, freaked out, GAH!!!!!  He lives about 45 minutes away from me and we are going to meet for coffee at a McDonald's, which I think is pretty public and I am not scared to go there but dang, this just feels so WEIRD!  I need to find a friend with a printer that I can use to print out the donor contract and health history questionnaire that I found online that I like.  I don't expect him to fill them out and for us to sign anything at the meeting, but it would be nice to at least show them to him.

This one was a little different than the other two that have responded that I wrote about above.  He basically gave me his physical statistics and then asked what a donor would do exactly.  I was a little hesitant, but I spelled it out pretty clearly that it would be artificial insemination and that I would need some pretty significant health history from him and he was totally on board with it.  We shall see how the meeting goes.  We are meeting Monday evening and I think I am going to be in complete freak out mode for the rest of this weekend!

I actually got a bunch of responses including one that sounded promising until I mentioned for the second time that it would be *artificial* insemination and he got angry about "J-ing in a cup".  I dropped him immediately, thanked him for his time and deleted all his emails.  Yikes!

This is so not how I had expected to create my family... Really hoping that the Monday meeting goes well.  I will let you all know how it ends up!

[esg]

McDonalds is a good place to meet. Very public as long as you stay in the general front area.

Have you considered taking a friend along? Not to sit next to you and be involved in the conversation but to be in the mcDonalds with you just in case?

I'd be a little nervous going by myself even in a public place. I'm a chicken though!

Good idea having the paperwork with you. At least you know you wont be dealing with a guy who still expects that other arrangement after he reads over the papers.

What in the world is up with that other response? You're a donor in the artificial sense. That's it!! Some people....

I'll be thinking of you on Monday!

[habitat]

Oh my goodness, Pumpin Pie! You are so inspiring! Way to go, for being so proactive and searching for not the first solution, but the best solution for you and your family! I will also be thinking of you on Monday. I wish you the best of luck and am hoping that you get GREAT donor vibes from this dude. If not, I know you will prevail and find someone else who fits. Rock on!  Make sure you keep making the AI thing clear, clear, clear as a bell. And, if this guy seems like a fit, have him get tested asap! I'm sure you know all this, I'm just super psyched/nervous for you. You'll do great!

Esg, your son Jett is gorgeous! I can't get over it! Another big congrats. I will be 24 (hopefully) when I give birth and I'm so excited to be in contact with another young SMBC. So cool. Do you two live alone or with family? Just curious, and wondering where your day-to-day support comes from? I will have support (with some healthy distance, too) from my immediate family, but it's been helpful to live with so many people. Are you part of a new mom's group at all? 

[esg]

Thanks so much again, Habitat!

I was 24 when he came though I turned 25 a little over a week later. He was originally due 3 days after my birthday!

I'm excited to be in contact as well. I've met several that are a good bit older me but none my own age.

My mom and two sisters live with us. They moved in when I bought the house a year ago so I really just consider us to all live together in the house.

We support each other. We all lean towards being our own boss so its tough sometimes like now that I'm not working my old 730-6 job but cutting out expenses is helpful.

Its so nice to have family support and I'm sure a little distance! It can get annoying at time. I'm not sure when they'll be moving out but I'm sure its not within the next year.

I'm just getting into mom groups. There is an Attached Parenting group that I'll go walking with on Monday, a new mom group at a local mom's center that I may head to but I'm not sure since its a good drive away, a young hip mom group that isn't a cloth diapering/baby wearing group (I'm not hip but I'm giving it a try). La Leche League has a meetup in a month and there is a CD/BW/ mama group that I like and have been talking to but haven't met yet. I'm hoping I can find a fit in one of these or at least be pointed in a good direction.

I have yet to find any local SMBCs. I know I'm not the only one but I never know where to look of who to ask. Have you met any in your area?
 

Originally Posted by habitat 

Esg, your son Jett is gorgeous! I can't get over it! Another big congrats. I will be 24 (hopefully) when I give birth and I'm so excited to be in contact with another young SMBC. So cool. Do you two live alone or with family? Just curious, and wondering where your day-to-day support comes from? I will have support (with some healthy distance, too) from my immediate family, but it's been helpful to live with so many people. Are you part of a new mom's group at all? 

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Yes, esg, your son is ADORABLE!!!  Love the new pic of him in your profile pic!!

Well, I am getting super nervous about Monday.  I am actually having a hard time finding a sitter for my son and think I am just going to hire a local college girl that I have used before.  I now have TWO more men that I am going to interview!  One lives a couple of hours away, but he really sounds like the best of the bunch so far.  It might not be such a bad thing really.  I am thinking I could let him know that I need the "donation" and maybe meet him half way so it is only a couple of hours old when I get it?  I have heard that fresh semen is good for three hours.  I also think I might buy some Instead cups so I can stop somewhere along the drive, pop it in and drive home to rest.  It all sounds so many light years from the "traditional" way to get preggo.   

I am meeting him next Thursday or Friday.  He sent some pics and he is physically, exactly what I am looking for.  He also admitted that he is a bit nervous about this whole process, which actually makes me feel a bit better about him.  I do think this is a bit of a nerve wracking journey to be on, and his nervousness is a sign that he is taking it seriously and also thinking about future implications.

One other that I had emailed back wants to meet with me, but I am a little more hesitant about him.  He said in his last response that he is willing to donate, and wants to meet up to see if we "click" and that he is open to a friendship or "something more" if that happens.  That makes me want to run far, far away.  I did say I would meet with him, but he is not available for a couple of weeks, so after meeting with the above two, I might have to email him and say that I have found my donor.  Crossing my fingers!

I am feeling so strong right now.  I have never taken charge of my life in such a monumental way about anything like this.  I have always just sort of hung along for the ride and that is exactly how I got my DS.  I feel now like I am running my own show and making decisions that I will be living with proudly.  I feel so happy and in control and so excited to see how this journey plays out.  I have a book that I have been reading called The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth and it has been so helpful in this process.  It has a great health screening questionnaire, and a sample contract in it.  I am going to bring the book with me to each of these meetings, and maybe photocopy some of the pages so we can figure out exactly what we need.  It is like having a good friend with me to hold my hand and tell me that I am not completely off my rocker.

Can't wait to see how it all turns out!

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Ok, so I can't remember where I read that fresh semen is only good for 3 hours, but I am doing some Googling and now can't find it anywhere.  How long *IS* it good for?  I am interviewing someone who lives at least an hour and a half away, so it would be a 3 hour round trip for me.  If he provides a "sample" prior to me starting to drive out there, will it still be good when I get home?  Will I need to inseminate in some weird bathroom along the way?  I can't quite figure out the logistics of this...

[bananabee]

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie 

Ok, so I can't remember where I read that fresh semen is only good for 3 hours, but I am doing some Googling and now can't find it anywhere.  How long *IS* it good for?  I am interviewing someone who lives at least an hour and a half away, so it would be a 3 hour round trip for me.  If he provides a "sample" prior to me starting to drive out there, will it still be good when I get home?  Will I need to inseminate in some weird bathroom along the way?  I can't quite figure out the logistics of this...

I've heard some women say they've done pregnancy tests in their cars...why not inseminate in your back seat?

Seriously though, how will you know how old his sample is anyway? Are you giving him money for it or is he just doing it to help you out? I would think you'd want to inseminate with as fresh a sample as possible. If you keep it body-temperature (like in a cup between your breasts), it should be in better shape than if you let it cool off.

[esg]

Pumpkin Pie, that's exactly how I felt when I was getting pregnant with my son! Like I was in charge on my life and what was happening. Don't know why I hadn't realized that before but it definitely hit me then that it was all up to me. So excited for you!!

I'm not sure how long sperm can last but you should be fine in a three hour roundtrip. Other than that, you could stop off and inseminate or you could have him "donate" once you two get to your meeting place. Your very public, him on his own meeting place.  Personally, I'd have him go ahead of time so he could drop it off and head out before I did anything.

[Pumpkin_Pie]

From what I am reading, I am thinking I may have him donate shortly before I get to whatever meeting place we will use and then buy some Instead cups and use those for the drive home. 

[esg]

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie 

From what I am reading, I am thinking I may have him donate shortly before I get to whatever meeting place we will use and then buy some Instead cups and use those for the drive home. 

I like that idea. I tried to find info on how long it stays fresh but I couldn't find anything. I've heard of instead cups so I'm liking that idea so far.