Is it PPD - at 15 mo?

[istamama]

My dd is now 15 mo. When she was born i did the online depression test at postpartum support international and i rated 'mild adjustment difficulties'. the other day i did it and i rated 'moderately to severely depressed'. I definitely go through days of depression, but i just don't know if it's PPD or is it Seasonal Affective Disorder - I moved to Canada recently and come from a very sunny warm place. Or is it isolation and loneliness ? I have been putting off going to the local PPD support group forever, because i think 'surely other women must go through worse', or 'it's only the occasional bad day, not continuous'. But the other day i scared myself with my thoughts - I was just desperate to live anywhere else but here in this dark cold place and just felt like packing my bags and leaving. This hatred of the extreme cold winter we have here has become fixed in my mind and i am determined to live elsewhere, and I badger my dh about it all the time, poor guy. But is this PPD? Do I 'qualify' to go to the support group? I do feel lonely as I don't have close friends here and the depression gets in the way of getting close to people. I ring up friends across the globe when i need to talk. Since giving birth my self esteem has hit an all time low and i find it hard to summon the enthusiasm to relate to people. I am always making efforts to meet moms, but can't really get to know them. I am also always snapping at dh - I hate myself for it and want to stop but can't seem to do it. Does this sound familiar to any other PPD sufferers? Is it PPD? It just feels like i'm not myself anymore. I'm trying desperately to be the perfect mum - maybe i should relax a bit more and do more things for myself. It sounds good but somehow i don't get around to doing it - i have a kind of inertia around it. Would appreciate some words of support.
Istamama.

[EllasMama]

Istamama, I would term what you are describing as PPD. It sounds a lot like what happened in my case. I was fine after birth but starting at around 1 year things started to get gradually harder as time went on. At about 19 months I "crashed" but in retrospect, I can see how it all was going on months earlier though I barely noticed it. I was way too focussed on being the "perfect mom" to admit I wasn't doing great...until the charade went up in smoke at 19 months.

My opinion is that there are sort of 2 different kinds of PPD. First is the kind that is early onset and probably most related to chemical/hormonal changes in the body. The second is more of an "induced" depression where stress and lack of sleep and isolation, etc., take their toll on the body and brain and create an imbalance. Of course there are lots of variations and combinations of these two general concepts, but I personally think either can accurately be termed PPD. I didn't crash until my DD was 19 months, but in my mind it was absolutely a result of having my child within the context of my life and the resources I had available. Therefore, I call my depression PPD.

Really, though, no matter what sort of depression one has, being in a supportive atmosphere with other depressed moms of young children would be helpful. It is possible that your child might be older than some of the other moms' kids, but it would definitely be worth looking into going to a PPD support group, IMO.

You said in your post, "It just feels like i'm not myself anymore." Yeah. That's what depression feels like. I did not realize how NOT myself I felt until I started taking Lexapro. Within 2 weeks I felt "like myself" again. There are still hard times and depressive spells. PMS is so bad I'm thinking of taking a higher dose of meds around that time. But I have a reference point now since much of the time I AM feeling "normal."

Good luck. Therapy would be a great place to start sorting out how much of your issue has to do with location and seasonal affective disorder, and how much is classic PPD. They're all intertwined at this point, so sorting through and developing increased awareness and understanding might help you to not fixate solely on moving somewhere sunnier. Although a sunny vacation might be a great "treatment" for you, too!!

I also recommend a great book called "Mother Nurture." It helps mothers to deal with the depletion (Physical, emotional, etc.) that plagues many moms. The authors are AP-friendly and suggest things like vitamins and homeopathy to help build yourself back up.

Take care.

Carol

[Tracy]

my close friend's husband is an amazing chiro...he wrote a book that came out at the beginning of 2003...

all about PPD. they also have a product of vitamins that are just excellent....

I took them for two years.... there is an oil that the baby rips out of the mom when he is percolating in the womb and then later when they nurse...I can't think of the exact oil this second, cuz I'm just brain dead and on my way to bed. But that oil is part and parcel to the depression. kind of like a car engine running without oil...

I don't normally come to this forum because I did get so much relief from the vitamins and I just don't want to post that all the time..which I probably would do and I do t hink there is more sometimes going on her that is bigger than PPD... but I did see your thread and wanted to tell you about vitamins etc......

anyway... take a look, you can get the book and read about it all... by the way, Peggy O'mara reviewed it in Mothering..

http://www.pregnancyrecovery.com/book.htm

if you want to talk to my friend pm me and I'll give your her number....


good luck....

[istamama]

Thanks so much, Ellas mom and Trabot. I somehow never made the connection before - between the feeling down and feeling physically depleted - which i definitely am. It makes so much sense! I notice i get really crabby if i haven't had dinner before i put her to bed and have to wait. I am constantly hungry yet find it hard to keep weight on and have been the weight i was in highschool and going lower and lower no matter what i do. It's like a spiral - the lower you feel, the less you bother to look after diet, exercise etc and the more malnourished you are, the lower you feel emotionally. YES! I am getting both of your suggested books - I checked out hte website Trabot and it looks really good. I have known i need to do something about my physical state but unsure what to do. My accupuncturist/ chinese doctor commented that there'd be nothing left of me if i kept breastfeeding til dd was two. I think she was kindly suggesting i do something about my health or stop bf. When dd is sick (she's 16 mo now) she refuses food naturally and just bf - and i feel so tired. Thanks so much, i do hope this works as i really do want to avoid medication.

Istamama.