How to handle outright defiance - Page 2

[ainh]

OMG...I'm exactly where you all are. I have a just-turned-three year old and a five month old. Mr Three is giving me a run for my money since the baby was born. The past 5 months have been bad on both our ends -- he's been a mess and my GD ways went down the drain when I finally had to do some real discipline. I too am drawn into the toddler behavior and can't stop trying to reason with him (even in the middle of meltdown). So much of what you all have written resonates. Lately we've been doing the "a train goes on the fridge for hitting or outright defiance".

I don't know how do deal with his interactions with the baby either. He has a habit of sticking his finger in the baby's mouth that really irritates me...but perhaps isn't terrible, as the baby seems to laugh and he always does it gently (so far). I feel like every time he's near the baby I'm saying "uh oh, be gentle, be gentle" even if he is doing fine.

I just don't know what to do. On some level I know that Mr Three is doing okay given the circumstances. But I also worry that this "normal three year old behavior" is going to stick around forever if I don't do something to stop it, you know?

[UrbanSimplicity]

i'm so glad this thread got bumped - my 3.5 yo is filling our days with battles, I've done some regrouping and seem to be on a better track, much thanks to this thread. Please, keep the ideas coming!

This is the kind of conversation I've been having many many times a day:

me: dd, you are riding your bike too close to dd2, i need you to give her more space. (keep in mind in this example, dd2 is not in imminent danger. but she is sitting on the ground and i can tell dd1 is testing how close i'll let her get.)

dd continues

me: dd, you are too close and her fingers could get squished, please ride further away.

dd continues

me: ok, if you continue riding so close, we're going to have to put the bike away.

dd stops

depending on the situation, often there is a loud tearful "NNNNOOOOOOO!!!" at this point but I simply reiterate and follow through. 9 times out of 10 I don't have to follow through on whatever I'm threatening, and the times I do, dd usually starts to say "ok, ok, i'll stop" or whatever at which point, I clearly state, "OK, you can have the x back if you really are going to stop x." and success.

until the next issue.

so far this is working great.

i used to do a very messy version of this, often once I was furious and it was all delivered very, uh, loudly. Now that I've worked out the formula, I find my tone is much more even tempered and confident.

I want to point out that I do not make idle or arbitrary threats. There's no "if you do not stop screaming, we won't have ice cream after dinner." It's always directly related to the situation: "if you do not stop pinching me I'm going to sit in the orange chair." I also try to include a reason why - "that hurts" and an alternative - "why don't you go get a book".

Now that I've figured this one out, I'm quite sure my complex dd has something trickier up her sleeve. :sigh

[chaoticzenmom]

nm reported

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

nm reported

Thanks for getting rid of that nonsense.

[Awaken]

What does that mean?

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by Awaken

What does that mean?

There was a post on this thread from a person who didn't fit with the tone of GD and was very judgemental and negative. Clearly a mainstream person who lost their way on the board and needed to head back to something more mainstream! The previous poster reported it to the moderator (nm = new message). I saw the post before it was deleted because I get new posts in my email inbox automatically. It was pretty ugly, in my view.

Anyhow! Back to the conversation!

[artgoddess]

darn, I missed all the juicy stuff.