"I'm first!"

[Awaken]

How else to deal with constant fights over which brother is first?

Esp. my 6 yo, HAS to be first no matter what, and will shove and hit his younger brother to get there. Even in the most mundane things, like getting into the car, entering a door, being handed something, getting dressed.

And now that my 3 yo has learned from his brother that being first is best, he will taunt the older one about being first, which always causes a huge eruption. Otherwise I don't think he'd even be aware of being first or second.

We're Christians, so obviously there are Biblical connections and I try to teach them about valuing others above themselves and treating others as they would want to be treated (and of course other faiths teach this, too) and in general he is a very spiritual child and responds well to this kind of guidance, but not with this situation.

So, is this just a normal phase for 6 yr olds? Is there anything else to do but just deal with it, keep emphasizing our values and turn taking, and hope one day it sinks in when he's mature enough to get it?

[notjustmamie]

I'm new to GD, but I had one idea. How about when one of them is crowing, you bring up Matthew 20:16 "So the last will be first, and the first will be last." Then you gently direct the one pushing to be first to the end of the line out the door (or wherever) and in his place, whoever was previously last (the other son, you, whoever) goes first.

[4inMyHeart3inArms]

I'll throw a couple ideas out there, the two that work best for me.

1) sit down and say something along the lones of
"you two fight a lot over who gets to go first. I know it's hard for both of you to use your patience to wait sometimes. Can you come up with a solution? I want you two to think about it and let me know what you decide."
If they can't come up with a decision you can offer a few:
they take turns with who goes first, and you can keep a log
they can decide what is most important for being first to them (maybe one wants to be the first to use the bathroom in the morning every day, and the other one would be okay with that if he can go first whenever they play monopoly or whateveR)
split up the days when people get to go first. Child 1 gets to go first for everything on Mon, Wed, Fri. Child B gets to go first for everything on Tues, Thurs, and Saturday. sunday they take turns.

2) when you see them letting the other person go first, even if it wasnt on purpose, comment.
"That was so considerate of you to let your brother in the door first."
"It was considerate for you to let your brother serve himself dinner first."
"I'm really impressed with how selfless you have been today. You let your brother go before you to shower, and you gave him the first roll of the dice when you played that board game. When you bless others God will bless you."

[BonMaman]

Good suggestions by 4inMyHeart3inArms. With many things in which 4yo DS1 is insisting to go first, we've had to ride out a couple of tantrums when the taking-turns-with-his-2yo-brother rule was first established (and by that I mean holding our ground while empathizing about how difficult it is to be patient/take turns, then it became a non-issue. DH and I keep pretty good track, but now the lads do too -- most of the time

[The4OfUs]

I instituted "if you ask to go first or force yourself first, you will probably find yourself second" because my two were jockeying for position about almost everything at one point (even who was going to be first down the stairs ) and driving me up the wall. This was after a time period of trying to calmly and gently negotiate with them and discuss things, and doing background work. They pretty well trade off now and we don't "keep track", but sometimes I do need to remind them that if they insist on being first they probably won't be.

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by notjustmamie

I'm new to GD, but I had one idea. How about when one of them is crowing, you bring up Matthew 20:16 "So the last will be first, and the first will be last." Then you gently direct the one pushing to be first to the end of the line out the door (or wherever) and in his place, whoever was previously last (the other son, you, whoever) goes first.

Ooooh! I love that!


I have a friend who has two teenage boys now, (and they are wonderful respectful boys) and she told me that when they were little, she gave them each a day. N has the odd days and M has the even days. So, on odd days, N gets all the choices and "firsts" (if they bring it up!), but also has the jobs like clearing the table, feeding the dog or whatever. Sounds good to me, I guess it only works if you have two kids!

I also just read the book, "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!" It has every example of sibling bickering you could imagine and addresses this stuff. I highly recommend it.