How do you keep your cool?

[lmk1]

I've suddenly realized that ds is at the age where I have to start thinking about discipline (he's 20 months old). A lot of times, I have no idea how to distract him from pouring the water on the floor, climbing on the kitchen table, chewing on the crayons, shaking all the salt out of the salt shaker, biting me (and he doesn't bite anyone else!), etc. And I know I'm doing something wrong, because he knows that putting non-food items in his mouth bothers me. I let him play with a ring today, and when he got bored, he looked at me and put it right by his mouth like he was going to put it in - teasing me basically. What should I do in that situation? He demands to play with everything that he sees, and I don't mind him touching most things...but how then do I keep him from putting it in his mouth without teaching him that it's a good way to tease mommy? And when he bites me, it's like he just enjoys the taste or something! And it hurts like heck! How do I keep him from doing these things without saying "NO NO NO" all the time?

[ewe+lamb]

You know sometimes we don't keep our cool and I think it's important to children to be honest to OUR feelings and emotions when faced with this sort of thing. Maybe instead of saying NO NO NO which doesn't mean much you could say Stop - stop is for an action and most of the time we need our kids to stop doing something. Also positive redirection is something you could benefit from using, keep the water in the glass instead of don't spill the water, keep our feet on the floor instead of don't climb on the table - do you see? As for biting, give your son a biting toy which he can use - it is the ONLY thing he is allowed to bite, if he bites you, you can say very sternly Biting hurts, teeth are for eating food with not hurting. Crayons are for the paper can you draw a squiggle squiggle dot dot dot - you can give the ideas.

Also I am a great admirer of the Faber Mazlish books Liberated Parents Liberated CHildren and How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, and would invite you to read these great books so that they give you the tools that you need.

Hope that this has been of some help ....

[krystyn33]

The book The Scientist in the Crib talks about the "social experiments" which begin around this age--no longer grabbing a "taboo" item for the simple thrill of discovery, but instead looking toward the parent to assess his or her reaction. Children at this age are just starting to grasp that other people have different opinions--it is part of the process of learning empathy.

So I wouldn't worry that you've done anything wrong--it is a normal behavior. I also don't see anything wrong with continuing to respond as you have done--toddler proof your home and redirect as needed, especially to keep your child safe. Be consistent with your responses ("No, we don't bite. Ouch, that hurts Mommy," etc) and your child will learn and follow suit as he is able.

The temper thing can be hard for me too, especially when I'm lacking sleep and/or breaks to otherwise nourish myself (which I get so rarely, sigh). What helps me is to stop myself and BREATHE. We're not training dogs, so there's no need to respond immediately--give yourself a moment to collect yourself, unless, obviously, your child is in danger. I try to yell or have my own tantrum in my head and then respond from a more centered place. Of course, that doesn't always happen! So when I do lose my temper & raise my voice or respond in ways I'm not happy with, I apologize (as I would want DS to do when he regrets a behavior) and connect and move on. A sense of humor is a wonderful asset too--my best moments are when I can turn around an angry reaction and connect with DS by finding the humor in the situation, or respond playfully in a way that brings us both to a better place. (And play fosters learning so well.) I wish those moments were 100% of the time, but do our best given our circumstances.

[lmk1]

This is great advice...where I get confused about what to do is what if you say "Stop getting on top of the table", but ds continues? Keep saying it? If I try to make him, then the whining starts and you can't really make a toddler sit ... he doesn't like his booster seat anymore, so I've been either serving him at his little table or at our table, and then he sits/stands on a regular chair...but he likes to climb on our table to get the salt shaker or whatever. I see the way my nephews are...their mom asks them a million times to please do something, and they completely blow her off. They're much older (8+), but I feel like they get asked to do something and there's nothing that "forces" them to do it. So they've learned that they don't have to. So then, if I ask my son to not put his feet on the table, or not get up on the table, how do I follow through, so that he learns that there are rules to follow, and there are consequences to not following those rules. I'll take his feet off the table, but then he thinks it's a great game...

[kbluspiro]

how to make your requests have teeth

When you ask them to stop, and they keep doing something, that's when you have to step in and give a consequence. "If you climb on the table again, I'll have to put you on the floor. It's not safe to climb on the table." Then he will immediately do it again to see if you really mean it, and then you gently pick him up and put him on the floor. This is just an example. You can decide what should happen. Maybe it's that you strap him into the booster chair, even though he doesn't like it.

[katiesk]

what if you say "Stop getting on top of the table", but ds continues? Keep saying it? If I try to make him, then the whining starts and you can't really make a toddler sit

you could...say it, help him stop (by removing him from the table) and show him what he can climb on. like, bring him over to the couch (or whatever thing is for climbing...) and let him climb on that - and engage him so it's fun, so that he won't just race back over to the table to climb on that.

dd is 14 months, and she frequently tries to stand on things that are not for standing. like chairs, for instance. they are not for standing. and she pretty much gets it and knows that 'chairs are for sitting' and when she stands on a chair, she will get my attention and point out that she is standing on the chair...but everyone knows that chairs are for sitting! and when i tell her that, she usually sits. if she does not sit when reminded about chairs being for sitting, i don't make a big deal about it, but help her sit while reminding her again...chairs are for sitting. not for standing. it seems to be effective so far. but i know what you mean about coming up on this point where you realize that 'discipline' has to play a part and that kids are not necessarily just being babies and exploring their world, but really cultivating alot of mischief! it's kind of hilarious and alarming both at the same time.

[mom2grrls]

For things like the salt shaker and crayons, keep them out of his reach it's really the best way to go about things at his age. As for putting things in his mouth, same thing just let him play with toys that he can put in his mouth and try to keep everything else away from his reach. As for the biting, when does it normally happen? If he normally does it when tired or angry deal with those situations before he bites and if he does get you say biting hurts. Eventually these things will pass and new things will come lol.

[lmk1]

Originally Posted by katiesk

you could...say it, help him stop (by removing him from the table) and show him what he can climb on. like, bring him over to the couch (or whatever thing is for climbing...) and let him climb on that - and engage him so it's fun, so that he won't just race back over to the table to climb on that.

We're usually having a meal at this point, so taking him over to something he can play with and then making it fun for him would totally disrupt the meal. I think it's a great idea otherwise...Here's the scenario that's been happening the last few weeks:
It's time to eat, I take ds to wash his hands and then sit him in the booster. He straightens out his body and starts complaining very loudly and fighting my putting him in the booster and strapping him in. I've gone ahead and strapped him in, but then he screams the entire meal OR I have to give him something to bribe him like a grean bean (so show him the goods so he'll "agree" to sit). Sometimes this doesn't work and I've been experimenting with letting him pick the chair to sit on, and he usually picks the regular chairs ... then he'll stand up - to some degree so that he can see more of the table and his plate! And he'll try at some point to climb on the table. If I remind him or take him off the table, it just repeats...and I do want him to eat, because he's one of these skinny kids (5%) that is more and more picky. And if he doesn't eat enough, then he just wants to nurse to make up for it.
I can remind him that tables are not for climbing, but I see that he does it even though he understands that it's "No" ... so testing me?

[Ruthie's momma]

At that age, children need to be reminded what is safe and what is not safe. A toddler's job is to explore and learn about his surroundings. So far, your DS appears to be very good at this....

*Try to simply correct your DS's behavior in a matter-of-fact way.

I don't believe that toddlers purposefully antagonize their parents. But, if they receive a comical reaction from their parents they are sure to continue that behavior.

*Keep off-limits items out of reach.

Babyproof...

*Differentiate between "big stuff" and "little stuff."

For me, some behaviors are simply not negotiable...the "big stuff." These issues are always safety related. Sometimes, these issues are also related to being courteous. For example, riding in the car seat (luckily, DD very rarely resists), holding hands when crossing the parking lot/street, sitting in the shopping cart/being worn/riding in the stroller when shopping, sitting in her booster seat when eating, not hitting, not yelling, not juggling knives, etc.

The "little stuff," like removing all of the pots and pans from the cupboards, is allowed...if not welcomed. Toddlers love to investigate! And, when DD is done with the pots and pans, I have her help me put them away.

[ewe+lamb]

Originally Posted by lmk1

Here's the scenario that's been happening the last few weeks:
It's time to eat, I take ds to wash his hands and then sit him in the booster. He straightens out his body and starts complaining very loudly and fighting my putting him in the booster and strapping him in. I've gone ahead and strapped him in, but then he screams the entire meal OR I have to give him something to bribe him like a grean bean (so show him the goods so he'll "agree" to sit). Sometimes this doesn't work and I've been experimenting with letting him pick the chair to sit on, and he usually picks the regular chairs ... then he'll stand up - to some degree so that he can see more of the table and his plate! And he'll try at some point to climb on the table. If I remind him or take him off the table, it just repeats...and I do want him to eat, because he's one of these skinny kids (5%) that is more and more picky. And if he doesn't eat enough, then he just wants to nurse to make up for it.
I can remind him that tables are not for climbing, but I see that he does it even though he understands that it's "No" ... so testing me?

So here I would give choices and then state expectations, so he could choose which chair - which you already do, then choose to have his straps done or not, if he chooses not to have them done up then remind him of your expectations, I expect you to sit in your chair that you chose, maybe instead of serving his plate let him make it up himself - slightly messy I know but it makes the kids feel more included and in control, engage him in conversation reminding him of what he has done during the day so that he can tell his dad what he's been up to etc.