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Feeling so sorry for men today -- Vent - Page 8

post #141 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
Again you are being too general, Tina. *Some* fathers hug their daughters and *sometimes* society has no issue with it. Other times a teenage daughter being lovingly caressed by her father raises inappropriate questions.
Not in any place I have ever lived in ... Thank goodness! Although I don't think I would use the word "caress."
post #142 of 170
Thread Starter 
To modify my previous post -- I wasn't meaning to imply that whenever a child gets molested, it's the parent's fault. I realize that you can be taking every precaution possible, and horrible things can still happen.

But, with the public restroom issue -- that is easily-resolvable. If anyone thinks their child is the sort who would say, "Yeah, I'm fine, Mom" while some strange person was molesting him -- obviously this is a child who shouldn't be using public restrooms alone yet. So take him with you or go with him to the men's room.

Again, considering the large numbers of posts here I've seen about husbands feeling just as vulnerable as my husband does, I just feel most men would prefer the discomfort of a mom barging in, over a potential accusation. Maybe I should go to the dads forum and do a poll?
post #143 of 170
I wonder how parents would feel if it was their 16-year-old son about whom another mother wondered out loud "did he TOUCH my child?"?
post #144 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
I had a feeling that someone would criticise me for even opening that door. But the possibility of a false accusation was what made my husband feel his life and wellbeing was hanging in the balance.
I don't even see it as a false accusation issue. What if your dh had bumped into the boy on his way out of the stall or something. (I've seen that happen a few times, especially when someone has been waiting for a stall - they try to barge in before the other person is completely out of the way.) If he wasn't entirely clear on what his mom meant - and he may not be, as I've found that really paranoid parents are often the same ones who can't bring themselves to talk clearly to their children about this stuff - he may have yelled "yes, mom"...and then it would have been ugly.

I'd have been very upset if I were your husband. I certainly wouldn't want a bunch of people in a park associating my face with a comment like that.

Quote:
As to the fear that was triggered in my dh, I don't know of any additional precautions he could take. Just wear Depends? Sometimes men have to use the restroom when they are out, just as everyone else does.
Yes. This.

Quote:
Again, it's just a lot easier to keep our own kids safe, than it is for others to defend their good name if we choose not to accompany our children into situations that we perceive as dangerous, and then get worried that because we weren't in that bathroom to protect them, they might have been "touched" by the only other person who was in there.
Yeah. I've been thinking about the posts wondering if this woman has been sexually abused. It's certainly possible. However, if I were paranoid enough to yell something like that about a man at a playground, I'd be finding other ways to deal with things. Either I'd call ahead into the men's room and let them know that a woman was coming in with a young boy, or I'd take him into the women's room, or, if I were willing to let him go in the men's room alone, I'd specifically ask "what's taking so long?", instead of a generic "are you okay?". If she'd done that, and heard "I'm waiting for a stall", she could have then been reassured that everything was okay, or called her son back out to wait until the stall was empty.

Actually, thinking back 8 or 9 years, I can remember asking ds1 what was taking so long, from outside the men's room. (At least once, he was taking a long time, because he couldn't get the soap dispenser to work.)
post #145 of 170
Things that make me go hmm....

I wonder if the 8 year old actually understood what she meant by "TOUCH". IMO it is not a very good word to use because it can mean all manner of things, including an accidental contact. As a pp mentioned, what if the boy barged past the OP's DH while trying to get into the stall, and they grazed past each other? He could have answered truthfully that yes, in fact, there had been contact, but he certainly wasn't molested.

I wonder if the mother is aware that there are other ways of being sexually assaulted than by being touched.

I wonder if the mother is aware of what she is teaching her child about the world by the way that she is treating others, especially strangers, when it has been documented that the vast majority of sexual abuse is perpetrated by people who are known to the victim. IMO it is possible to be effectively vigilant without being paranoid and accusatory.

I wonder what this mother's response would have been if her son's answer was "yes". Was she fully prepared for that possibility, and the appropriate steps to take?
post #146 of 170
She must have known the answer was "no" or she would have run right in. I have no idea what that mother was thinking. She wasn't thinking - I think Brandi Rhodes is right that it had to be some emotional irrational reaction to something else.
post #147 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by chickabiddy View Post
I wonder how parents would feel if it was their 16-year-old son about whom another mother wondered out loud "did he TOUCH my child?"?
Yes, I've wondered about this too -- and I also wanted to say thank you to Storm Bride, and to all of the others who've been so understanding of dh's and my reaction to this.

I did just post a poll over in the dad's forum -- in case any of you are interested. Maybe Musician Dad?
post #148 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
He was the only person stepping out of the bathroom at the time the mother made her comment. Making it obvious to him and anyone with in hearing distance that she viewed him as a pedophile.
I so disagree with this... She viewed him as a possible pedophile, I think there is a huge difference between questioning and accusing. I still don't agree with what she said, but I'm positive I've done things I regretted later in trying to protect my kids...she just reacted on her first instincts when she thought her kid was in danger, she most likely felt like an idiot for it later, but none of this makes her a bad person.
post #149 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
I so disagree with this... She viewed him as a possible pedophile, I think there is a huge difference between questioning and accusing.
I don't see a big difference, honestly. Viewing someone as a possible pedophile, because they walked out of a men's room, is really bizarre. Voicing that view, loudly enough for everyone around to hear, is so close to an accusation as to make no practical difference.

I'm absolutely boggled as to why anybody would think her kid was in danger. He went into a bathroom. She asked him several times if he was okay. He said, "yes". A man walked out of the bathroom. Where is the danger?
post #150 of 170
I read the first page and this last page.

"Are you OKAY? Did somebody TOUCH you?!" This sounds more snarky than concerned to me. Like that mom was just irritable and flippant. It was thoughtless.

I'm sorry, Mammal Mama, that was unfair to your husband.
post #151 of 170
what a terrifying situation to all involved
post #152 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swandira View Post

I'm also a little sorry for the mom who was so fearful that she was behaving in this wildly inappropriate way, although if her fears are that extreme I think maybe she should be seeing a counselor, if she isn't already doing that.
Why do people automatically diagnose people and think they need couseling when they're suspect/leary of the opposite sex? It's possible there is nothing at all wrong with this woman--never a bad encounter with a man, etc. It's possible that she's just watched/read the news and talk shows like Phil and Oprah. The news and talk shows are reason enough to be suspect of men around children. It's not her fault. It's what society decides to broadcast....and the predators that DO exsist. There are evil people out there. You can't just look at someone and tell if they're a good person or a bad person. Husbands/fathers do rape and molest. That is a sad fact. I don't think it's bizzare in the least for mother's to be "on alert".

I don't think the woman should have yelled out "did he TOUCH you?" for everyone to hear, but I do understand where she's coming from. Like a pp said, if I was that concerned about my son in the men's room I would call in and wait for it to be empty before I sent my son inside. If he was in there for too long with another man I would have called him outside to wait.

I don't think the people at the waterpark thought your DH was a predator. They watch Oprah/Phil/news like most of the world. Most of the world knows what kind of evil people/doings exsist. You can't be too careful when it comes to your kids.
post #153 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
They still need hugs and every other day type touches. Dads out of fear and hold them back can make dd feel unloved. Many times girls need this type of attention more at this age and less hurts.
I agree with this. My own dad got very stiff with us after puberty... it made my sis and I feel bad.
post #154 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by MayBaby2007 View Post
Why do people automatically diagnose people and think they need couseling when they're suspect/leary of the opposite sex?
Because honestly the behavior displayed by that mom in the OP was not at all normal nor was it appropriate.
post #155 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by MayBaby2007 View Post
Why do people automatically diagnose people and think they need couseling when they're suspect/leary of the opposite sex?
Because, it's not normal to freak out about a man leaving a men's restroom, just because one's son is in there. Being that suspicious of someone, simply because they happened to be in the same room as one's child, is not normal behaviour.

Quote:
It's possible there is nothing at all wrong with this woman--never a bad encounter with a man, etc. It's possible that she's just watched/read the news and talk shows like Phil and Oprah. The news and talk shows are reason enough to be suspect of men around children. It's not her fault. It's what society decides to broadcast....and the predators that DO exsist. There are evil people out there. You can't just look at someone and tell if they're a good person or a bad person. Husbands/fathers do rape and molest. That is a sad fact. I don't think it's bizzare in the least for mother's to be "on alert".

I don't think the woman should have yelled out "did he TOUCH you?" for everyone to hear, but I do understand where she's coming from. Like a pp said, if I was that concerned about my son in the men's room I would call in and wait for it to be empty before I sent my son inside. If he was in there for too long with another man I would have called him outside to wait.
I don't understand where she was coming from, and her behaviour was irrational and unfair. Before she makes such nasty comments about someone, just for having a penis and needing to empty his bladder, she might want to think about the fact that her son also has a penis. I don't think she'd much like it if someone reacted that way to her son using the bathroom, yk?

Being "on alert" is one thing. All that happened here is that this woman - who is apparently really freaked out about pedophiles - sent her son into a men's room, and a while later, a man walked out of said men's room. We cannot be that paranoid, and still function as a society. People need to be able to pee, without being accused of being perverts.

I'm honestly boggled that this woman even let her son go in there, if she's that freaked out.

Quote:
You can't be too careful when it comes to your kids.
I disagree. This is too "careful". I can't help but wonder how a boy feels growing up with someone who apparently equates having a penis to being a predator. If she's that concerned, she needs to find a better way to handle it than making barely-veiled accusations of pedophilia in a public place.
post #156 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
Because honestly the behavior displayed by that mom in the OP was not at all normal nor was it appropriate.
According to you and others who feel the same way. Unless something is written in the law book, nobody is right or wrong when it comes to other issues--spanking, CIO, co-sleeping, etc.

That mother did what she felt she needed to do to protect her child. Maybe the OP's husband seemed creepy to her. Maybe her gut told her to ask that question.

If an MDC mama came on here and said:

"We went to the water park and DS had to go to the bathroom. I sent him into the men's room by himself. He was in there for an awfully long time. I kept asking if he was okay and he said he was. Out of nowhere, a man walked out. I didn't think anyone was in there. It scared me. I yelled out the DS "did someone touch you?" to which he replied "no".

I think I embarrassed the guy and I feel really bad! But the vibe I got told me something wasn't right. I had a really bad feeling in my stomach and I called out to my son. It was a horrible experience. I feel really bad and need a hug. What would you have done?"

The responses might be a mix of "you were wrong" and "you were right" but I think it's safe to say that many responses would be "you were just following your gut. You always listen to your gut."

Nobody is right or wrong according to us. We all do what we feel we need to do
post #157 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by MayBaby2007 View Post
Why do people automatically diagnose people and think they need couseling when they're suspect/leary of the opposite sex? It's possible there is nothing at all wrong with this woman--never a bad encounter with a man, etc. It's possible that she's just watched/read the news and talk shows like Phil and Oprah. The news and talk shows are reason enough to be suspect of men around children. It's not her fault. It's what society decides to broadcast....and the predators that DO exsist. There are evil people out there. You can't just look at someone and tell if they're a good person or a bad person. Husbands/fathers do rape and molest. That is a sad fact. I don't think it's bizzare in the least for mother's to be "on alert".

I don't think the woman should have yelled out "did he TOUCH you?" for everyone to hear, but I do understand where she's coming from. Like a pp said, if I was that concerned about my son in the men's room I would call in and wait for it to be empty before I sent my son inside. If he was in there for too long with another man I would have called him outside to wait.

I don't think the people at the waterpark thought your DH was a predator. They watch Oprah/Phil/news like most of the world. Most of the world knows what kind of evil people/doings exsist. You can't be too careful when it comes to your kids.
Yikes! You certainly CAN be too careful...if you are feeding your kids on a steady stream of Dr. Phil and Oprah-induced fear maybe its time to turn off the noisy-box and read a good book. Hmmm...maybe I am more nonchalant about this kind of thing because I do not own a television. Media exacerbates an inappropriate culture of fear IMO.

Besides IRL so-called "evil" people are not all men. Predators come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and genders. Yet women are simply not seen with the same social suspicion.
post #158 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by MayBaby2007 View Post
"We went to the water park and DS had to go to the bathroom. I sent him into the men's room by himself. He was in there for an awfully long time. I kept asking if he was okay and he said he was. Out of nowhere, a man walked out. I didn't think anyone was in there. It scared me. I yelled out the DS "did someone touch you?" to which he replied "no".
This is the point. Being scared by a man using and exiting the men's bathroom is a gross overreaction, and implying that his very presence in the bathroom is suspect is unfair and paranoid.
post #159 of 170
Quote:
Nobody is right or wrong according to us. We all do what we feel we need to do
Uh... nobody, really?

No this mom's behavior was irrational.
Quote:
"We went to the water park and DS had to go to the bathroom. I sent him into the men's room by himself. He was in there for an awfully long time. I kept asking if he was okay and he said he was. Out of nowhere, a man walked out. I didn't think anyone was in there. It scared me. I yelled out the DS "did someone touch you?" to which he replied "no".
I would say "it's a public restroom why did you expect to know how many people were in there? Of course there were probably others there. And why ask if someone touched him? Simply because someone was utilizing a public restroom?"
post #160 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
This is the point. Being scared by a man using and exiting the men's bathroom is a gross overreaction, and implying that his very presence in the bathroom is suspect is unfair and paranoid.
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