Feeling so sorry for men today -- Vent - Page 9

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by MayBaby2007

According to you and others who feel the same way. Unless something is written in the law book, nobody is right or wrong when it comes to other issues--spanking, CIO, co-sleeping, etc.

That mother did what she felt she needed to do to protect her child. Maybe the OP's husband seemed creepy to her. Maybe her gut told her to ask that question.

If an MDC mama came on here and said:

"We went to the water park and DS had to go to the bathroom. I sent him into the men's room by himself. He was in there for an awfully long time. I kept asking if he was okay and he said he was. Out of nowhere, a man walked out. I didn't think anyone was in there. It scared me. I yelled out the DS "did someone touch you?" to which he replied "no".

I think I embarrassed the guy and I feel really bad! But the vibe I got told me something wasn't right. I had a really bad feeling in my stomach and I called out to my son. It was a horrible experience. I feel really bad and need a hug. What would you have done?"

The responses might be a mix of "you were wrong" and "you were right" but I think it's safe to say that many responses would be "you were just following your gut. You always listen to your gut."

Nobody is right or wrong according to us. We all do what we feel we need to do

Yes. I think people should listen to their guts. However, I would still find the OP's scenario totally bizarre, even from the mother's side. The "I yelled out to ds "did someone touch you?" part of it is just totally off. If I were worried, I'd go in there.

As for the "I kept asking if he was okay"? Again - really off. If you're worried, ask what's taking so long, or call him back and talk to him. Standing there asking repeatedly if he's okay isn't going to accomplish anything. She obviously didn't think she could trust the response, for whatever reason, so why bother asking? (I'm not blaming her for not trusting the response. If she really thought the OP's dh was a pervert, maybe she thought he had a knife or something. Who knows? But, if she doesn't feel that standing outside, repeatedly saying, "are you okay?" accomplishes anything, there's not much point in doing it.)

And, yes - it's still wrong to publicly accuse someone of being a pervert, because he was using a bathroom. We can split hairs over whether or not it was an accusation, but she was definitely expressing suspicion, based on nothing but his gender, in a very public way. When we get to an "OMG - did someone (obviously meaning a specific person) touch you?" simply because a man walks out of a men's bathroom, things are going haywire. The people in the picnic area don't know that the only reason she said it was because he was in the bathroom at the same time as her son...and many, many people subscribe to the ridiculous notion that "where there's smoke, there's fire".

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by choli

This is the point. Being scared by a man using and exiting the men's bathroom is a gross overreaction, and implying that his very presence in the bathroom is suspect is unfair and paranoid.

Or...I could have just said this.

[holyhelianthus]

I have no problem with following one's gut and I often find it is rarely wrong. However if mom got a feeling something was off don't you think she would have just walked in? I would have. If I felt like something was a miss I would have been in that bathroom so quick it'd make your head spin.

[junie]

Originally Posted by MayBaby2007

According to you and others who feel the same way. Unless something is written in the law book, nobody is right or wrong when it comes to other issues--spanking, CIO, co-sleeping, etc.

Okay, this might be a bit off topic, but this comment rubbed me the wrong way. Just because something is "written in the law book" does NOT make it right. Slavery used to be legal. It was NEVER right. A husband used to be legally allowed to rape and beat his wife. This was NEVER right. Law does not equal right. A lot of things that are legal should not be legal, and many things that aren't legal (same-sex marriage comes to mind) SHOULD be legal. In the examples you list above, two of them are abuse (spanking and CIO). Yes they're legal, but that doesn't make them right.

I think I get what you're saying. We all have our own opinions of right and wrong, and none of us should judge others. Is that it? I somewhat agree with this, but without "judging" others, people would never be held accountable for their actions, and things like slavery, spousal abuse etc. would never have become illegal. Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating going around and judging everyone for every little thing. I just think it's dangerous to take the attitude that we should never call someone else out on their behaviour, if we think it's wrong (regardless of what the law says). I could be completely misreading your post, though. If I am, I apologize.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by MayBaby2007

Out of nowhere, a man walked out.

It wasn't out of nowhere. It was out of the men's room. It is irrational to be that shocked that a man would be in the men's room and to respond in that way. I don't doubt that she had her reasons for behaving irrationally, but that was not a normal response. If she really did think her son was being molested, the rational response would have been to run in. No mom who was thinking rationally would sit there on the other side of a door from where she thought her child was being hurt and wonder how long it would take and when he would come out.

I don't think she's a bad person, but I do think she behaved in an irrational manner, probably prompted by some bad experience. It's just a sad thing for everyone. I don't think there's anything that can be done to solve this kind of problem. You can't force people to behave in a rational manner at all times, or put aside their experiences and fears, because people don't do these things on purpose. Unfortunate things happen.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by mamazee

It wasn't out of nowhere. It was out of the men's room. It is irrational to be that shocked that a man would be in the men's room and to respond in that way.

Yeah, I can't understand being surprised by a man leaving the mens room.

[Breeder]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

<snip>
There's really no difference in "are you okay" and "did someone touch you" other than directness. Yes, "are you okay" can refer to any problem the child was having, but he easily could've said "yes, this guy is trying to touch my penis." Yeah, that could've happened as a result of the question "are you okay," but it didn't. The actual rate of false accusations of sexual abuse is extremely low, and I think urban legends are influencing the fear about false accusations.<snip>

Bolding mine...

Hold the train, let's back up a bit. Yes there most certainly IS a difference between "Did someone touch you?" and "Are you ok?" The biggest one being, yelling "Are you ok?" doesn't imply anything about anyone else. Secondarily, it keeps you from looking like someone who lacks the control to deal with everyday public situations.

I AM a survivor of abuse.

I understand that fear is a very real thing.

If I really thought someone was attacking my child (boy OR girl), I wouldn't be hollering at the door - I'd be barging right in.

Saying things that re-enforce her belief that men are all potential predators is wrong.

Going about saying things that project her belief that every man is a potential attacker is harmful for this woman, it is harmful for her son and it is harmful for society.

[siobhang]

and in addition, while the woman's accusation may not have had any legal weight to it, the potential damage to a man's reputation is enormous. What if Mammal_mama's dh knew one of the people in the park? What if a neighbor or other aquaintance had been in view of the situation?

Accusations of pedophilia tend to take on a life of their own - guilty until proven innocent, only you can never really prove yourself innocent once an accusation is made. While CPS and the law may do nothing about the accusation, lives have been ruined by slander.

[sapphire_chan]

She should've told her ds that if he had to wait he should come back out to her. (Like Jenn said. )

ETA: There were men in their group? Then one of them should've taken the kid.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by siobhang

and in addition, while the woman's accusation may not have had any legal weight to it, the potential damage to a man's reputation is enormous. What if Mammal_mama's dh knew one of the people in the park? What if a neighbor or other aquaintance had been in view of the situation?

Accusations of pedophilia tend to take on a life of their own - guilty until proven innocent, only you can never really prove yourself innocent once an accusation is made. While CPS and the law may do nothing about the accusation, lives have been ruined by slander.

This is sadly very true.