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Feeling so sorry for men today -- Vent - Page 2

post #21 of 170
This thread really freaks me out. I don't want to raise my kids in a world with this level of fear and paranoia! Seriously...maybe I'm just horomonal because I'm way too pregnant, but I cannot see how this lady's actions were acceptable on any level.

1. Not all men are perverts and to see them as such is an illness.
2. Eight year olds should be able to take care of business on their own!

Yes this lady made a parenting choice, but rudeness based on paranoia should not become mainstream and accepted. Nor should seeing a molestor around every corner. There comes a point where "better safe than sorry" is simply not true.
post #22 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Multimomma View Post
:

Camra, that's exactly what I was going to post. Churn, as well. I also recently read a post about how eight years old was too old to go in the women's bathroom...with several posts about how uncomfortable mdc moms were with an older boy in the women's bathroom.

Sorry, but that woman didn't know your husband. She made a parenting choice, didn't know he was in there until he walked out, and was reacting the best she knew how. Your husband decided to feel embarrassed, we own our feelings, and as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
I think you may have misread my post. I don't think the woman behaved reasonably at all.

And I don't think the husband "decided" to feel embarrassed. If someone loudly accused me of touching their child inappropriately, I'd be horrified, and it wouldn't be something I'd even have time to "choose" about.

My son is ten and he has used the men's room alone for at least 3 years. If I think he is taking too long I say "why are you taking so long". I don't stand in front of the door accusing everyone who walks out of touching him.
post #23 of 170
Thread Starter 
I am very sorry to hear about all the children who've been assaulted in public restrooms. And of course I wasn't saying that I wouldn't be concerned if my child had been in there a long time. I'm sure that I'd be calling in to see if he was okay, just as this mom was.

But I guess in my case, by the time a child is old enough to use a public restroom on her own, she's old enough to know if she's okay or not. By this age a child should know about private body parts, and know it's not okay for someone to molest them.

So I guess I'd trust my child's "I'm okay" more than this mom trusted her son's.

I think family bathrooms are a great idea.
post #24 of 170
That woman's comment was completely inappropriate. Yes, attacks happen, you don't have to tell me. But loudly asking your child, "Did anyone TOUCH you?" when there's only 1 other person around that she could be talking about is uncalled for. If I had been the OP's husband, that woman and I would have had some words.
post #25 of 170
That is awful for your dh
post #26 of 170
I personally feel like ALL public places should have a family bathroom. At one point our state was considering making it a law. Most large stores have one, but a place like a water park or amusement park where families are should definitely have one available to families.
post #27 of 170
As a mother of a son and wife of a man, I am HORRIFIED that people not only look at my husband as a potential molest, but at my minor SON as a potential rapist/molester. I think this is a result of too much media reporting of incidents and a way out of control paranoia culture.

Bad things happen. There is very, very little we can do about that except to teach our children to know and feel ownership over their body and all it's parts. To teach them to trust their instincts and not to be afraid to say no to anyone, grown ups or not. That should be our focus, not demonizing men and boys. Viewing all men and boys as abusers is just...wrong and sexist. Thousands of children are molested by women, and do we worry about all the females in our children's lives?

That woman, whether consciously or not, was perpetuating the hysteria. If she needs therapy, she should get it, not just randomly accuse men walking out of the men's washroom of abusing her son (which she did by implication, IMO).
post #28 of 170
Thread Starter 
As far as my husband "deciding" to get embarrassed -- what if the child had impishly-decided to say "Yeah, that man was touching me," just to see how his obviously worked-up mom (and the men in their group) would react?

I'm not saying most children would do such a ghastly thing, and I definitely believe in taking a child seriously if they say they've been molested -- but to be in my dh's shoes, and realize how precariously-balanced your safety is, as well as your reputation and your ability to stay with and raise your own family --

I mean, supposing the kid WAS the sort to see what reaction he could get -- my dh could "decide" all he wanted that he wasn't going to be embarrassed since HE KNEW he hadn't done anything wrong, my husband could "decide" he was just going to go home with us and have a nice life with his wife and his two young daughters -- but would the legal authorities honor dh's "decision" that he wasn't going to let his life get turned upside down by some false accusation --

Or would they proceed with their investigation and go ahead and turn our lives upside down irregardless of our "decision" not to be affected by it?
post #29 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnymw View Post
I think it's sad that as a whole society we've gotten to this point. BIL won't even bathe his daughters because he's afraid of the stigma that would come along with it.
Are you sure it's not just an excuse not to bathe or change them? My DH used that excuse for years... then we had a son and he still tries to use it. We have been married long enough now that I tell him to suck it up and give them a bath/change diaper once in awhile.

It is sad however that we live in a world where that excuse to not help parent can be seen as legitimate.

To the OP, what that woman did was completely uncalled for. My son is only 2 but I would like to think that I wont have to fear him being molested in the bathroom while I am standing outside door yelling, "Are you OK?" and he answers yes.
post #30 of 170
I'm sorry for the OP's DH, and also for the little boy. Surely he was embarrassed by his mom's loud insinuations too -- possibly more so than the grownup man in question!

I'm also a little sorry for the mom who was so fearful that she was behaving in this wildly inappropriate way, although if her fears are that extreme I think maybe she should be seeing a counselor, if she isn't already doing that.
post #31 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by aniT View Post
Are you sure it's not just an excuse not to bathe or change them? My DH used that excuse for years... then we had a son and he still tries to use it. We have been married long enough now that I tell him to suck it up and give them a bath/change diaper once in awhile.

It is sad however that we live in a world where that excuse to not help parent can be seen as legitimate.

This exact reason for not bathing young children by the father has been posted by more than a few members here on numerous threads so I highly doubt that they all are using it as an excuse to not help at home.
post #32 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
This exact reason for not bathing young children by the father has been posted by more than a few members here on numerous threads so I highly doubt that they all are using it as an excuse to not help at home.
I am sorry, but in my opinion it is an excuse.
post #33 of 170
Quote:
Your husband decided to feel embarrassed, we own our feelings, and as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
Well with this mindset I suppose those hit with racism or sexism or ageism decided to feel beat down.

I get that we decide how to feel the way we feel but this is to an extent. I surely didn't decide to feel traumatized over my latest birth no matter how badly some try and use the above mindset to say that I did. The only thing this sort of stance does is excuse other's often times bigoted actions. No thanks.
post #34 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by aniT View Post
I am sorry, but in my opinion it is an excuse.
Sure in some cases but can we ever really afford to be so general? I know my DH still bathes and changes all of our girls but we are both nervous as to how others will view it because we have known people who have questioned why we think that is appropriate.
post #35 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post
This thread really freaks me out. I don't want to raise my kids in a world with this level of fear and paranoia! Seriously...maybe I'm just horomonal because I'm way too pregnant, but I cannot see how this lady's actions were acceptable on any level.

1. Not all men are perverts and to see them as such is an illness.
2. Eight year olds should be able to take care of business on their own!

Yes this lady made a parenting choice, but rudeness based on paranoia should not become mainstream and accepted. Nor should seeing a molestor around every corner. There comes a point where "better safe than sorry" is simply not true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
I am very sorry to hear about all the children who've been assaulted in public restrooms. And of course I wasn't saying that I wouldn't be concerned if my child had been in there a long time. I'm sure that I'd be calling in to see if he was okay, just as this mom was.

But I guess in my case, by the time a child is old enough to use a public restroom on her own, she's old enough to know if she's okay or not. By this age a child should know about private body parts, and know it's not okay for someone to molest them.

So I guess I'd trust my child's "I'm okay" more than this mom trusted her son's.


I think family bathrooms are a great idea.
:

And we do need family bathrooms I totally agree.
post #36 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
:

And we do need family bathrooms I totally agree.

Absolutely. After reading some of the more controversial threads here in the past I can completely understand why a dad would want to avoid going to the bathroom/bathing/changing a diaper on a young daughter. I feel for my husband getting strange looks while waiting for our daughters in the women's restroom - damned if he takes them with him into the men's room and damned if he stands near the door of the women's room waiting for them to finish.
post #37 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
Sure in some cases but can we ever really afford to be so general? I know my DH still bathes and changes all of our girls but we are both nervous as to how others will view it because we have known people who have questioned why we think that is appropriate.
Yes we can. It's an excuse plain and simple. And becuase mom's let dad's use it as an excuse it has become more "legitimate." I mean really, who in their right mind is going to think a dad who is changing his infant or toddler child's diaper is only doing it to get some perverted thrill? Yet if this same dad let the child sit in their dirty diaper til mom got home, it would be seen as abuse.

I do think a line needs to be drawn at bathing. For both mom's and dad's. I am not sure what that age is. Six, seven? But I really think it is rediculous that people will use this as an excuse to keep dads/let let dads get out of helping with the basic care of their children. Especially those younger than 5.

ETA: Wait, aren't your children REALLY young? There is no excuse for anyone to question your husband helping care for his children. Sure if your daughters were 10 I could see if.. but if you are who I am thinking you are.. they are all 5 or younger.
post #38 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by aniT View Post
I mean really, who in their right mind is going to think a dad who is changing his infant or toddler child's diaper is only doing it to get some perverted thrill?
Then obvoiusly you have missed a few volatile threads here because sadly there are most certainly people who believe exactly what you stated above.
post #39 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by aniT View Post
Yes we can. It's an excuse plain and simple. And becuase mom's let dad's use it as an excuse it has become more "legitimate." I mean really, who in their right mind is going to think a dad who is changing his infant or toddler child's diaper is only doing it to get some perverted thrill? Yet if this same dad let the child sit in their dirty diaper til mom got home, it would be seen as abuse.

I do think a line needs to be drawn at bathing. For both mom's and dad's. I am not sure what that age is. Six, seven? But I really think it is rediculous that people will use this as an excuse to keep dads/let let dads get out of helping with the basic care of their children. Especially those younger than 5.

ETA: Wait, aren't your children REALLY young? There is no excuse for anyone to question your husband helping care for his children. Sure if your daughters were 10 I could see if.. but if you are who I am thinking you are.. they are all 5 or younger.
So you are saying it's always an excuse no exception? Like I said I think we can't generalize things that easily. And yes people have and do view the changing of a diaper as a sex thrill for men. Have you ever seen those diaper fetish sites? :Puke These days there are more than a few people who see crap like that and then think men=diaper fetishist or some such thing.

As I said in my PP people have questioned whether or not it was appropriate for my DH to bathe with, bathe, or change our daughters. It's not really all that uncommon nowadays.

ETA- I just saw your ETA Tell me about it! But yeah they have. Not in a freak out "he is molesting your kids!" way but in a "do you really think that is appropriate?" way.
post #40 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
Then obvoiusly you have missed a few volatile threads here because sadly there are most certainly people who believe exactly what you stated above.
I guess I have missed them. And you know what? That is their problem not mine or my husbands. It is my husbands job to help care for his children's needs. If that includes bathing a child covered in mud or changing a poopy diaper so be it. I am not going to live my life being scared of other peoples rediculous and perverted opinions. Furthermore I am not going to make more work for myself by trying to do everything at once because someone else might unrealistically feel it is inappropriate for Dad to do his part.

If we don't let Dad's use this as an excuse not to care for their children, then people would see how normal it is and shut their mouths. But because it is allowed to be used as an excuse, it justifies the tongue waggers to talk. I mean he wouldn't be "afraid" if he wasn't doing anything wrong. Ya know?
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