Help for a Nanny?

[Olives]

Hello there,

I've been a nanny for a little boy who is almost 3 years old for the past year and a half. Throughout this time his tantrums have gotten worse and worse and now he resorts to hitting and violence when he doesn't get his way.

His parents have a rule that if he slaps or hits he has to go on time out right away. I follow this rule of theirs but, I notice when I talk to him about hitting and tell him it hurts ect... it never really sinks in.

Friday we were going to walk to the park. He is very independent and does not like to hold hands at all but will do so reluctanly on the street since their aren't sidewalks in most of their neighborhood. We were approaching a very busy road with two lanes of traffic going in both directions and were coming up to the cross walk were their is a bit of grass to stand and wait for your turn to cross. As we were approaching this grassy bit I told him that he needed to hold my hand even in the grass as the road was very busy. (We had a huge problem a few weeks ago where he ran away from me at this very part because he felt he didn't need to hold my hand anylonger so I thought if I reminded him before it wouldn't be such a huge deal.) He didn't protest at my reminder but when we got to the grass he tried to pull his hand away and said, 'no hold hands on grass'. I responded that yes we do but that after we crossed the road and were on the sidewalk he didn't need to hold my hand anylonger and reached for his hand.

He flipped out screaming bloody murder and tried to run away from me. I grabbed him right away (I'm 32 weeks pregnant and can't take chances of him getting away from me near this extreemly busy street.) I got down on his level and told him he had two choices, one was to hold my hand until we got to the sidewalk or that we would go right home. He started screaming in my face and started to slap me and did the wet noodle on me. It was terrible. I tried to offer him the choice again and got the same responce...

So then I just said ok, you made your choice we are going home. He of course wouldn't walk so I had to pick him up while he was screaming and hitting and kicking me and carry him all the way back home... with a big prego belly on top of it.

This is not the first time this sort of behavior has happened with him... I'm just at a loss as to what to do. I've tried everything... I would love some persepective from you Mom's on ways I can change my behavior to help these melt downs stop happening. I guess I just fear taking him out any more because I am so pregnant I can't chase him, carry him like I used to be able to when he would flip out before, not to mention he's getting bigger.

Any suggestions would be so appreciated.

[dulce de leche]

First, congratulations on your pregnancy, and hugs to you for being so patient. Not many people can remain calm and patient in the kinds of situations you describe!

Three is such a tough age. Emotions are sooo big and overwhelming, and it is hard for most kidlets that age to avoid meltdowns.

If holding hands is the trigger, would one of the little animal-backpack leashes work? s:

It helped my kids to learn alternative ways to express their feelings: angry/sad/frustrated dances, asking questions like "if a lion felt that upset, how loudly would she roar? If an elephant was that angry, how hard would he stomp?"

This may seem off topic, but a lot of food allergies emerge at that age, and they often manifest with meltdowns. If there a chance that his diet could be contributing to this?

Ultimately, though, you may not be able to prevent all meltdowns, but by keeping him safe and letting him know you care about him even when he tantrums, you are helping him learn how to treat others.

[anticrime]

not a mom, but hope this helps

I have been babystiing and/or a nanny since I was 12 (wow, that means 21 years) and have never yelled at or struck a child (wanted to, but never actually did it- lol). I had a little man who acted similarly. His parents took him to a psychologist because his meltdowns included banging his head on the floor and the psychologist said he was freaking out because he was getting mixed messages- when I took care of him, I explained what I expected of him before we left, gave him one warning, then acted on it (went home, time out, whatever best for the situation). No warning if he was aggressive. However, his dad laughed whenever the little boy hit or bit. Mom just was totally disengaged. I was with him from 6 am - 8 pm Monday through Saturday. I had been with him for about 3 months when I sat mom and dad down and said "this isn't working- we need to do something about his behavior or I would no longer be able to be his nanny. We set out what we agreed were unacceptable behaviors and what the consequences were. Mom, Dad, and I signed a "contract" agreeing that these were the standards we would enforce for him. Granted, these parents were not wanting to parent, and were more than happy to give that power over to me, so it was easier for me to "lay down the law" than it might be if the parents are involved and engaged. But then they may be more willing to work out what is best for the little guy. Anyway, within 3 weeks of us signing the contract, his meltdowns were limited mostly to when he was tired. Mom rescheduled her work week so I was there one less day a week and he got more "mommy time". Within 6 weeks, Mr. Man was explaining the rules for different locations to us when we went places (the park has different rules than a restaurant). a month after that, I took him to a five-star restaurant to celebrate his "finding his restaurant manners" and he did great. well, until he explained to an elderly gentleman at the table next to him that his napkin goes on his lap, not in his collar, and that elbows have no home on the table. SO CLOSE.

That's a really long way of saying- this is a safety issue- not just for him, but for you. Talk to his parents and see if you can pinpoint what's going on with him, then come up with a joint strategy to address it. I will also add that for a 3 year old, apologizing can be humblng- it's tough because they have to acknowledge that their actions negatively affected someone. So, don't just explain that he hurt you, but also make an apology and a hug the only way to get out of timeout. Not just an "I'm sorry" but "I'm sorry for XYZ".

Hope this helps. Congrats on the little one