I need some advice on how to handle my son. I've exhausted every corner of my brain, and I'm getting too worn out to think of much else. I'd love some experiences and advice/book recommendations that anyone has to offer.
My son turned 4 the end of March. He's always been a very sweet, quiet little guy. The quietest, calmest baby ever. I think his current behavior is a combination of characteristics that are not being expressed effectively, and the fact that his older sister hasn't been the nicest person to him. She was barely 2 when I had him, and I think it was really hard on her to give up the baby spot. As soon as he was old enough to want to play with her, the fighting began. It's tapered off as they both have gotten older and actually learned how to play together. Now they fight only if there is an obvious reason (tired, hungry, overstimulated, both want the same toy, etc.). Otherwise, they've become best friends (thank goodness). But unfortunately, I think ds learned to be physically aggressive from dd, and now uses that to express himself.
Needless to say, it's driving me crazy. He's big enough that we talk a lot. He understands that it's not okay, that it hurts others, and that he is capable of using words to express himself. In some ways, he's still like a 2 year old - unable to control himself and using physical connection in a harmful, negative way.
Here's my observations about his personality: He's quiet, and often gets very intensely focused on something - such as drawing, building with blocks, coloring, etc. He's very shy and clings to me in public (dd is this way, too, but growing out of it). He is very physical: cuddly from day one, loves to do somewhat dangerous, challenging, physical activities (skateboarding, jumping off the deck, etc.), seems to use hitting to "check in" with others. He isn't interested much in being independent. He is just now starting to try to dress himself, but often insists that I do it. I usually have to do everything for him (and believe me, I invite him to try to do it himself all the time). He seems to be able to easily do almost anything he puts his mind to try. He's just barely 4 and can already skateboard down our sidewalk quite well (for his coordination ability). He is an amazing artist, and at the age of 2 would sit for 30 min. to an hour drawing complex people and creatures. He is also very sensitive - if I yell at just the right time, in just the right way, he'll run to his room and hide with the most pathetic, hurt cry ever heard. It's heartbreaking. He also is VERY stubborn and will not back down or be distracted (ever). When he wants something, he will throw full out hitting, screaming tantrums to get it. He usually doesn't get it. He also doesn't seem to get consistent "no"s for something. For instance, he was waking every single night 8+ times a night to nurse at just under 18 months old. I finally decided that for my own sanity, night weaning was a must (tried cutting down on feedings, which did not work). We then spent the next 6+ months dealing with him waking 8+ times a night to scream and kick, demanding to nurse. I didn't give in once during that time. We snuggled, I rolled over and just ignored him, I let daddy snuggle with him in the other room. He never let up. Finally I just had to wean him altogether (which was ridiculously easy). I didn't want to quit nursing at 2, but I also wanted to sleep so I could be a nice mommy. Also, I've noticed lately that he seems to need more (challenging) stimulation at home, but less when out and about.
Now to the frustrating part: he is hitting, pinching, spanking, spitting, slapping, pulling hair, and so on. You name it, he does it. It's most often in a teasing way (not outright meanness, just "haha, I'm so funny") - though when the two of them are fighting, it's almost terrifying what he'll do to her (pinch her until she bleeds, pull her hair out, etc.). I've tried timeouts, I've tried teasingly, softly spanking him back (to make it into a softer game), I've tried diverting him by tickling him and giggling, I've tried smacking him back (after advice that he just might not understand how it feels) - which does not work in the least, though it does slow him down after he realizes it doesn't feel good (not interested in doing this again - I think he gets the point), I've tried talking, I've tried threatening consequences, I've tried just flat out yelling, I've tried bribes in stores just to get us out of there. My tricks (and others that I haven't liked much) are all exhausted.
I finally decided it was time to come here for advice after going to a friend's birthday party this afternoon. It was an adult birthday party, but kid-friendly and everyone brought their children and they were all playing together. Ds is shy, of course, and clung to me the whole time. We wandered around and I pushed him on the swing, swung on the the hammock together, etc. Spent about an hour just with him. Then I went to sit with a friend to chat, with him on my lap, and within 10 min. he was insisting we go back outside. I told him that we had to leave (which we did), and I wanted to chat for just another minute, but that he was welcome to go play with the other kids for a few minutes. Instead he started getting more insistent and smacked me in the face twice (in a quiet sort of way). It's a bit embarrassing to have your child hit you in the face while trying to have a conversation with people you don't know very well (not a good friend). It's time for things to radically change, I hope.
I love Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. I love Unconditional Parenting. I love the Waldorf approach to helping children grow without so much drama. I try so hard to do these things with my kids. With my daughter, it's easy -she's responsible, follows rules pretty consistently, and is old enough to understand reason and quit doing something that is out of line when reminded. I do all of those things above with her. It's my son that I just can't figure out how to help. I've gotten to the point where I just want him to stay out of my space. Even when he's not being hurtful, he hangs on my arms, climbs on my back, etc. Sometimes I just want to be in my own bubble without little people touching me. YK?
Okay, so now the venting is over...
Anyone care to give advice? Should I just keep trying with the GD and hope that within the next couple of years the reminders to "please give loves, not hurts" will sink in, and he'll finally remember to stop himself? Or should I institute time-outs for a little while - consistently put him in time out every single time he hurts someone? Or what else?
TIA!!!
My son turned 4 the end of March. He's always been a very sweet, quiet little guy. The quietest, calmest baby ever. I think his current behavior is a combination of characteristics that are not being expressed effectively, and the fact that his older sister hasn't been the nicest person to him. She was barely 2 when I had him, and I think it was really hard on her to give up the baby spot. As soon as he was old enough to want to play with her, the fighting began. It's tapered off as they both have gotten older and actually learned how to play together. Now they fight only if there is an obvious reason (tired, hungry, overstimulated, both want the same toy, etc.). Otherwise, they've become best friends (thank goodness). But unfortunately, I think ds learned to be physically aggressive from dd, and now uses that to express himself.
Needless to say, it's driving me crazy. He's big enough that we talk a lot. He understands that it's not okay, that it hurts others, and that he is capable of using words to express himself. In some ways, he's still like a 2 year old - unable to control himself and using physical connection in a harmful, negative way.
Here's my observations about his personality: He's quiet, and often gets very intensely focused on something - such as drawing, building with blocks, coloring, etc. He's very shy and clings to me in public (dd is this way, too, but growing out of it). He is very physical: cuddly from day one, loves to do somewhat dangerous, challenging, physical activities (skateboarding, jumping off the deck, etc.), seems to use hitting to "check in" with others. He isn't interested much in being independent. He is just now starting to try to dress himself, but often insists that I do it. I usually have to do everything for him (and believe me, I invite him to try to do it himself all the time). He seems to be able to easily do almost anything he puts his mind to try. He's just barely 4 and can already skateboard down our sidewalk quite well (for his coordination ability). He is an amazing artist, and at the age of 2 would sit for 30 min. to an hour drawing complex people and creatures. He is also very sensitive - if I yell at just the right time, in just the right way, he'll run to his room and hide with the most pathetic, hurt cry ever heard. It's heartbreaking. He also is VERY stubborn and will not back down or be distracted (ever). When he wants something, he will throw full out hitting, screaming tantrums to get it. He usually doesn't get it. He also doesn't seem to get consistent "no"s for something. For instance, he was waking every single night 8+ times a night to nurse at just under 18 months old. I finally decided that for my own sanity, night weaning was a must (tried cutting down on feedings, which did not work). We then spent the next 6+ months dealing with him waking 8+ times a night to scream and kick, demanding to nurse. I didn't give in once during that time. We snuggled, I rolled over and just ignored him, I let daddy snuggle with him in the other room. He never let up. Finally I just had to wean him altogether (which was ridiculously easy). I didn't want to quit nursing at 2, but I also wanted to sleep so I could be a nice mommy. Also, I've noticed lately that he seems to need more (challenging) stimulation at home, but less when out and about.
Now to the frustrating part: he is hitting, pinching, spanking, spitting, slapping, pulling hair, and so on. You name it, he does it. It's most often in a teasing way (not outright meanness, just "haha, I'm so funny") - though when the two of them are fighting, it's almost terrifying what he'll do to her (pinch her until she bleeds, pull her hair out, etc.). I've tried timeouts, I've tried teasingly, softly spanking him back (to make it into a softer game), I've tried diverting him by tickling him and giggling, I've tried smacking him back (after advice that he just might not understand how it feels) - which does not work in the least, though it does slow him down after he realizes it doesn't feel good (not interested in doing this again - I think he gets the point), I've tried talking, I've tried threatening consequences, I've tried just flat out yelling, I've tried bribes in stores just to get us out of there. My tricks (and others that I haven't liked much) are all exhausted.
I finally decided it was time to come here for advice after going to a friend's birthday party this afternoon. It was an adult birthday party, but kid-friendly and everyone brought their children and they were all playing together. Ds is shy, of course, and clung to me the whole time. We wandered around and I pushed him on the swing, swung on the the hammock together, etc. Spent about an hour just with him. Then I went to sit with a friend to chat, with him on my lap, and within 10 min. he was insisting we go back outside. I told him that we had to leave (which we did), and I wanted to chat for just another minute, but that he was welcome to go play with the other kids for a few minutes. Instead he started getting more insistent and smacked me in the face twice (in a quiet sort of way). It's a bit embarrassing to have your child hit you in the face while trying to have a conversation with people you don't know very well (not a good friend). It's time for things to radically change, I hope.
I love Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. I love Unconditional Parenting. I love the Waldorf approach to helping children grow without so much drama. I try so hard to do these things with my kids. With my daughter, it's easy -she's responsible, follows rules pretty consistently, and is old enough to understand reason and quit doing something that is out of line when reminded. I do all of those things above with her. It's my son that I just can't figure out how to help. I've gotten to the point where I just want him to stay out of my space. Even when he's not being hurtful, he hangs on my arms, climbs on my back, etc. Sometimes I just want to be in my own bubble without little people touching me. YK?
Okay, so now the venting is over...
Anyone care to give advice? Should I just keep trying with the GD and hope that within the next couple of years the reminders to "please give loves, not hurts" will sink in, and he'll finally remember to stop himself? Or should I institute time-outs for a little while - consistently put him in time out every single time he hurts someone? Or what else?TIA!!!
