out of control!

[mamaof3tobe]

Hi everyone, I am looking for some wisdom since I am at my wits end.

A little background: I'm a mother of 2 very spirited boys, and I have one on the way. My boys are 6 and 5, but 20 months apart. I have un-schooled them so far, but they are going to be attending a charter school in the fall.

Some of the issues I'm dealing with:

The are destructo magnets. We moved into a new house 3 months ago, and so far the kids have broken 2 windows, a shelf inside their closet, a light fixture, and flooded the upstairs bathroom enough that water leaked downstairs. We have 2 acres for them to play and it's all fenced in and secure. In the last 3 months that have yelled comments (big fat vagina to be exact) to the neighbors across the street, jumped the fence to throw rocks at the other neighbors chickens, and brought me a dead lizard on a stick. They also destroyed our landlords swing set outside.

The kids generally get a long well, and are often in trouble when they are together. They constantly get into things that do not belong to them, despite the rule of respecting others possessions. For example: my husbands tool box is empty often, and I find tools everywhere. If they find food that they are not allowed, they will eat it in a hiding place and i find it later. This is an issue mostly because my oldest son has celiac and crohns disease. We had a allergen friendly home once, but my husband and I both have health issues that require foods my son is not allowed.

As far as consequences go, I came to love gentle discipline years ago due to both the boys being very spirited. It does no good to punish them, because punishments don't mean anything. I used to say that if I had to pick up their toys without their help, I'd throw the toys away. They don't care, and have very few toys. Time out is fine with them, spankings they laugh at (not that they have had many but...) They literally do not respond to that kind of discipline period.

Today was not a good day for me. Admittedly I am exhausted and do not have the energy the boys have. Its hard to keep up with them. Today my youngest flooded the bathroom by leaving the sink upstairs running. Then while I was busy cleaning that up he claimed he was thirsty. He broke a glass in the kitchen, and although he cleaned it up himself (mostly it didn't shatter) it still infuriorates me that I'm constantly having to replace broken necessities. Finally I decide to come outside (my office is off the garage) and ask the boys to pick up their trash from the yard while I take a time out.
They threw a dog toy on top of the garage, and piled chairs and a railing to an old bed to climb to the roof. Then my youngest was stuck. it took me 20 minutes to talk him down, since I can't very well climb up there myself 8 months pregnant!

I'm truly at my wits end. Someone please help me restore my sanity?!

[DahliaRW]

I think that YOU shouldn't be cleaning up their messes, but they should be. That would be more of a natural/logical consequence. As long as it is safe (i.e. I wouldn't have them clean up glass). I would try to go more the natural/logical consequence route as you can to help them learn that their actions have consequences and they need to take responsibility for them.

Also, it sounds like they don't understand that things have "value". Not that things are more important than people, but that things do cost others money. I learned a good tactic from a friend. When her dd broke a present they were saving for another child, she had her daughter do chores around the house to earn money to pay for the new gift. Not that her daughter really could earn the total value in labor, but the idea was she did some things that were not necessarily fun, got paid for it, and then used that money to replace the toy. I've done similar things with my ds1 and it has been effective to show him that people have to work for the things they want and that replacing things that are broken is a courteous thing to do (it's what we would do as adults, right?).

I also think that if they cannot be responsible enough with things like glass drinkware, that they could use unbreakable versions until they demonstrate responsibility. Then you're not dealing with the breakage and it just eliminates the problem.

Just a few random thoughts...

[EdnaMarie]

Where is their dad?

Mine is much younger, just thought that clarifying all the disciplinarians in the household would be helpful.

The lizard thing isn't so bad, unless they killed it themselves.

[Britishmum]

I'm working through the spirited boy stuff myself too at the moment.

I've come to realize that I need to separate out in my own mind the things that are simply accidents, the things that are intentionally destructive, and the things that destroy something yet were not intended to do so. I also try to stand back and think about whether ds was cognitively able to forsee what might happen if he took a certain action, or whether he had a very different intention.

I"m not sure how clear that is, but I do think it's important. So, if a toy ends up on the roof because of a crazy game, that imo is no big deal. If the kids then problem solve to get it down, again, no big deal - and actually, that's a positive. If a kid gets stuck, that's a problem then for you to help out with. Again, annoying for you, but not a disciplinary issue.

Shouting insults at someone across the street? They presumably know that's wrong, so for me, that's a big deal. Throwing rocks at chickens, again, big deal, needs you to take action. Destroying swing set? Intentionally = big deal, but if it's just rough play that causes damage, they need guidance and some ground rules about its use.

I know some people disagree, but I firmly believe that (most) boys (and yes, some girls) have some very specific needs concerning space, their bodies, and adventure and risk. They need guidance, but they also need freedom and understanding, and a certain level of tolerance for breakage and disaster. It sounds like your ds's have freedom, but maybe not enough guidance or channeling of that energy?

I"m trying to work this out for myself right now, and am this weekend gutting ds's bedroom and replacing toys to try to find stuff and an organizational system that works better for him. I just realized, after fixing the drawers on his cabinet yet again, that I can't stop him using drawers to scale the cupboards. It's just not worth it. I need to reorganize the environment instead. When I showed him the broken drawer, he was remorseful, but it was clear that next time he felt he needed to climb up in his room, he'd do it again.

I also signed ds up for a sport class, which honestly we can't really afford in terms of $$s or time, but I realized that he is going to need more outlets for this energy, and more male role models than he currently has. I do think that boys need a tribe, and he is lacking that. We've had a nightmare week with ds, with breakages, disasters, messes, near 911 situations. One thing after another. So today I arranged to meet with some friends who have 3 boys at the pool and hang out, dads also. It was amazing seeing ds - how he was letting out all that energy with abandon, and how he didn't seem 'crazy', because he was in the company of other boys and men, who played the way he needed to play. Sure, I go in the water and toss him, but not like the dads did. I expect to get accused of being sexist, so will add that my girls loved it too, and joined in. But they just don't crave that physical outlet the way ds does.

I know that I need to do better at providing those outlets for my boy, and am really trying hard to plan for it. Maybe your ds's need more than the freedom and space that they have?

Now I'm waiting for the responses that go along these lines, "I have 23 boys, and none of them ever did anything like that. In which case, I'll just accept that I'm a bad parent, and simply offer you some sympathy for what you're going through.